Let's see if we can make each other laugh

Roses I wish you luck, but it's now over 2 hours since your rallying call.
Here's one to help your cause;
OoRoo

"A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup."

Here's another good one.

State Of The Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Little Joe's neighbour had a baby, who was born with one ear, and was warned not to mention it when he went to visit mother and baby, or he would be slapped when he got home.

While there, Joe looked into the cot, and said to the new mum "What a beautiful baby boy, a lovely face, lovely skin and a beautiful head of hair."
"Thank you Joe" she replied.
"How's his eyesight?" asked the little boy
"Perfect, but why do you ask, Joe?" she enquired
"I hoped you would say that because he would be f*cked if he needed glasses" he said, breathing a sigh of relief.
X

RUFUS don't understand your message

why did the bald man place rabbits on his head ?
because from a distance they looked like hares.

RUFUS don't understand your message
Roses Very surprised! especially after reading your perfectly understandable joke!!
The "Supersex" one presented no problem, I guess?
The second was much more suttle, (my favourites), his new watch telling him that she wouldn't be wearing them in an hour's time. Get it!?

This one's more gentle!
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst
OoRoo

Man goes to GP. Man is worried about hearing loss.

GP: "Can you describe the symptoms please?"

Man: "Well... They're yellow... They're a cartoon family..."

English, for beginners:

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh, and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard, but sounds like bird.
And dead - it's said like bed not bead -
And for goodness' sake don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not the moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, or broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear and bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose,
Just look them up - and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go, and thwart and cart,
Come come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.

Spangler, that's brilliant!
Do you know who wrote it?

I could tell you a Covid joke but it might take you a fortnight to get it.

Those social distance markers worry me.

FannyCornforth

Spangler, that's brilliant!
Do you know who wrote it?

It's a shortened, edited version of a very much longer poem:
www.i18nguy.com/chaos.html
It was written by Dr Gerald Nolst Trenit (1870-1946) who was a Dutch observer of English and wrote under the pseudonym Charivarius. It first appeared in _Drop Your Foreign Accent (Engelse Uitspraakoefeningen,) by the same author.

Thank you Spangler, that's great.
It is very long!

Sunday roast was a problem down on the farm because the farmer, his wife and two children always had chicken but no-one liked the breast, they all wanted the leg. So the farmer decided to have a go at breeding four-legged chickens. It took him a year or two but eventually he succeeded. One Saturday he was at market and met a friend who asked him what the new chickens taste like. 'No idea,' he replied. 'They run so fast I can't catch the buggers.'

I could tell you a Covid joke but it might take you a fortnight to get it
loopyloo Now there's a challenge! I've got a spare fortnight!

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

You've seen this before, but like the elderly couple it will never age! Not too suttle, I hope!

"An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment ...
adjusted his glasses, and leaned over towards her and whispered
'Excuse me, but is that one word or two?"

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it...)

- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Now I've heard everything, "silent laughter"! (Reminds me of a joke!)
Loopylou still waiting for that Covid joke!

Married couple in church;
Wife turns to husband and whispers, "I've just let off a silent fart! What should I do?"

Husband; "Buy new batteries for your hearing aid.!"
Cheer up!
OoRoo

Made me laugh. It's a bit Scottish but I'm sure people will get the gist.

Mary had a little bug
The one they call Corona
She caught it at a Catch-up
Wi her pals, Yvette and Shona.
Who else was there?
“I dinnae care:
We’ve no been oot fur weeks”
Now Shona’s blue, in ICU
Too breathless when she speaks.

Mary had a little cough
She didnae wear a mask
Instead she wore a sticker
Saying “”I’m exempt, don’t ask”
Coughing in the kitchen
As she plated up the scones,
Then a round of filtered selfies
Using all The Girls i-phones.

Mary had a little bug
And now so does her Granny,
Her boss, his son,
His pal, her mum
‘Cos Mary is a fanny!

What do you think?

It's a bit Scottish but I'm sure people will get the gist
Just about!. Even without captions!
It's alright for you being Scottish too; I got into deep trouble before, which was a pity!
As they say, keep them coming Jane
The thread is struggling!
Good Health.

Young lady talking to her friend about a man who had been chatting her up. "I don't know much about cactuses but I know a prick when I see one."

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking....

...then I saw her face

How about a bit of Monty Pythom.
Horace (The Boy Who Ate Himself)

Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay,
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace,
He just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" His Dad declared,
"If that lad's ate, he should be shared."
But even as they spoke they saw,
Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried,
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all to late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns,
"You could have deep fried that with prawns,
Some parsely and some tarter sauce..."
But H. was on his second course:
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue;
"To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept her son was seen,
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay, a boy no more,
Just a stomache, on the floor...
None the less, since it was his,
They ate it - that's what haggis is.