The Old Argy Bargy Bar.....a new lease of life!

lemon Nae lassie...Monty and I have ushered all the spiders into the garden. They needed some fresh air. We'll join you in the snug a little later. He is a proper gentleman. Please treat him with the respect he deserves. No bad language. No hanky and most def no panky.

Monty may well be a gentleman soop but once you get your hands on him there is no saying how he will end up ?

Can you ask the boys to remove their feather boas ,I have an allergy. Oh, I also have an allergy to sequins , of course they can keep their hats on. Soop you minx, it was not your turn for Monty. I have done a rota and I insist you all stick to it. It's the only way we can be sure his dibber is used to it's full potential every time. Don't want anyone missing out. Large curacao shandy please.

gransal what sort of boys do you think we have here. They’re not doing the Full Monty for you. ........ They only do that on Fridays ?
You will find soop won’t stick to any rota she just takes what she wants when she wants it .....and she does what she wants with it too ?

Just popping in for a quick one I am on a promise later so can’t stay long.
Why is Thor wearing marydoll’s ginger wig?Come to that, why is Korky wearing only a vest and a sporran? Has Soop
Been in here by any chance?
Give me a drambuie and Irn Bru please!

Gransal lemon and Doodle...I called for a taxi to take Monty some distance from this dive establishment. As I've already said - he's a true gent.
As for that Korky prancing aboot in the wee sporran - no comment.

Oh well I suppose it’s about time Monty put his dibber to use elsewhere. What are we going to do for entertainment now.
lemon it’s soop’s influence. All the boys are infatuated with her and they want to look Scottish to impress her. I don’t think Kork’s got the hang of the sporran though. He doesn’t realise it’s supposed to be worn at the front ?

I thought the same Doodle when I saw Korky wearing the sporran at the back of his neck!?
Good job his lower half is behind the bar eh?

Raucous chortles! I just slipped gracefully off my perch. That'll teach me not to stand on a high stool in order to check the sporran wearer as he picks up the empty crates.

Ooh soop you are so norty. ?
With all this sporran wearing perhaps we should have a themed night at the Argy. soop could serve haggis, lemon could pour out the wee drams and me......I could play the bagpipe ?

You could indeed play the bagpipe Doodle .....but can you play, that’s the question?!
I think I can answer that since I once heard what sounded like a pig about to be slaughtered, and discovered it was you ‘having a go at it’ when Soop once brought one in.
Why don’t you practise reciting a poem instead, something by McGonegal perhaps ( that nice long one about the forth bridge disaster?)

Or was it the tay bridge?
Anyhoo, get practising something.We could also have highland dancing, Kev and Thor could do the gay gordons.
I shall visit the cellar and see how much scotch we have.I may have to try a few.

“She wasn’t an immoral Miss
Would blush if you asked for a kiss
But buy her a shandy
And Boy was she randy,
So vodka and coke promised bliss.

How’s that lemon. Could have been written about you ?

It was written for me! Ah, young love, I was 17 at the time when Jock McBru composed that .

Is it party night tonight? Are you share you won’t let me play the bagpipes. I’m sure I could get the hang of it. Which end do you pluck ?

Haha, yes, Have put some banners up outside announcing our Scottish themed party night.
The haggis slices are cooling as we speak, the tray of whiskies stand ready and we have the karaoke machine up and running.Sheena and Lulu songs suit you? I bet you could do a cracking job of Shout! Doodle.
Anyone got a speciality act they could do?
Soop and Marydoll will be wearing their tartan clan miniskirts.

Am in the bar early tonight, I may as well practise my routine with Korky for later on.We are singing ‘Donald Wheer’s yor
Troosers’ ? He looks magnificent btw in his plaid, a fine figure of a man with wild ginger hair ( a wig) and a handlebar moustache.
I am fetchingly dressed in a white minidress, with a tartan sash, white fishnets and white plastic boots with six inch heels, with an identical wig to Korky’s. I look like a cross between Nichola Sturgeon and Lulu ( only older.)
Right, the karaoke is ready....here we go

Here’s my outfit for tonight lemon. I am fully kitted out in tartan. I have dusted off the bagpipe things and I am ready to fling a couple of highlanders around.

Start the music up and let’s get going with the gay Gordon’s......where are they by the way ?

Popped in to catch up with going-ons in this dive. Cannot hear myself speak for the skirl of the bagpipes and shrill unladylike laughter. Am I surprised? Nae! Anyway, I've dumped a haggis in the kitchen. Took me an age to catch it. As I am in need of peace and tranquility, I shall leave you lot to your rampaging. I managed to collar a couple of Glaswegians on my way. They have been celebrating several things for several nights and begged me to drop them off. Their kilts are a tad short. Hairy legs. Sturdy calf muscles. The pride of Glasgow. PLEASE treat them with the respect they deserve. I shall check on the state of play in the morning.

Soop!?Those Glasweigans in short kilts with hairy legs and sturdy whatsits...that’s Marydoll and Chewy ( I wondered where they were, the trollops.)

Next weekend we can have an Irish night....that’ll be fun.??

Top o the mornin to yer lemon (said in my best Irish accent)

What a wild night we had with those Glaswegians.......what’d yer mean it was Marydoll and chewy ?....I took one home with me. Oh no sorry, not the Glaswegian, it was the haggis I took home ..Phew..

Doodle*I'm calling animal protection. That poor haggis looks done in. As for those poor bagpipes, oh sorry that was Marydoll and Chewy lying in the corner. Is the bar still open ?

Anyone got time for a quick one?

The Glasgow Times has sold out. Apparently two local chaps have reported an orgy taking place in a dive with the initials A.B. Naturally, I'm pleading innocent. I know nuffink. I shall draw the blinds and take the phone off the hook. No comment!