Son’s divorce, husband’s illness - what is priority??

Very difficult Nanamar I think on balance I agree with momb sounds as if you have the space to facilitate this.
Sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter in law she will be glad of your on going support.
I hope things improve for you soon.

Renting would be tough financially let alone that we have been deluged here with New Yorkers renting to escape the city so availability is quite limited. Plus I’d be very worried about him living alone due to his mood state. I’m thinking the only way out of this if he doesn’t improve is to have him come here and keep DH isolated from him. We have two bathrooms and I can sanitize like a maniac, isolate him in his room etc. and make him change clothes and sanitize before he enters the house when he returns from work (and his workplace will be taking super precautions). They’ve only been together for 7 years and my DIL has had to shoulder a lot d/t his condition - I empathize because I’ve had to shoulder a lot due to my DH’s health - but we have been married for 50 years so the “in sickness and in health” really resonates. Its not that I’m so worried about DIL’s issues because she’s a big girl (although has no parents and sister lives far way which is why I think we have developed a good relationship) I also hate to see DGS overexposed to a depressed dad.

If I were you I would encourage son to live with me and DH and to maintain distancing as much as possible. I would then worry less and be able to support son in a very difficult situation. Very hard for you Nanamar . Would you have greater peace of mind if your son was under your roof? Wishing you courage and strength as you live through this stage. It will pass! x

why I said he can’t come to live at yours was because you said he would be starting back to work so if you’re husband is very poorly and the son is out at work and coming home every day I don’t see how that can work
But it is a dilemma, is there any chance he could rent anywhere nearby you ?
It’s a big old worry all round I d stay talking to the daughter in law and perhaps together you can come up with something she sounds as if she’s very fond of him still

Thanks everyone! Yes DIL and I have talked and she had shared that she feels he should move over now because of his mood. He has said that he wants to be there to take care of GS while she works remotely but she has pointed out that given his staying in bed until late, sequestering himself etc, he’s not much help anyway and that he’s very short-tempered which adds tension. He has had suicidal ideation in the past and was in a residential treatment for a month back in 2017. It wasn’t like this before he lost his job - that seems to have been the trigger - because she had even texted me when the quarantine started that it was good that it is an amicable separation since she couldn’t imagine being quarantined with people you hate. Before quarantine, when they were both working, GS was cared for by us here in our home 3-4 days per week and that’s why he’s accustomed to moving back and forth. Plan was for son to have GS here to sleep sometimes and also to go to their house and stay over sometimes. We had even planned to carry through with a weeklong house rental together and a trip to Italy (despite the divorce) because their interaction was just fine. Those are cancelled d/t the virus and inadvisability of DH traveling (his cancer recurred after a period of remission) That’s why this is so upsetting.

How difficult for you, I’m so sorry.

Maybe your son going back to work will improve his mood? I think many of us have had occasions when we’re feeling down about this entire CV thing but even going out for a walk can improve how we feel. If it does help your son to be at work, then that might make his home life a bit easier to bear until life in general improves for all of us.

I agree this is really difficult because of your husband’s illness. The only thing that would possibly change things is the risk of your son perhaps wanting to take his own life.Is this something you’re concerned about? Moving him in with you may be the only option. Could he be isolated in your house for a few weeks ? Otherwise, where possible, he should have his own space in his house. Who looks after your grandson, while your DIL works? and why is your grandson accustomed to going between the two houses? Have they had problems for a while. I know someone whose son is going through something similar, and has also suffered from depression. Luckily, he went to live with his parents, who are both well fortunately, just before our lockdown. He visits his wife and children, and brings the children to the grandparents house, as they are now considered one household. I think, unless there is a direct threat to your son’s life, you have to stay back, hard as it is, and look after yourselves.

Your last post crossed with mine. Sorry for any repetition.

I think it might be easier to think in terms of prioritising between health and divorce, not your son and you husband, if that makes sense?

In a worst case scenario for each, your son will have a worse time in his divorce, and his mental health might suffer, but your husband could die.

On the other hand, you need to think about how likely it is that either situation is going to happen. If your son moves in with you, he will become part of your household, so you won't be going against the current advice (which, let's face it, could change at any time). If he can get a test, so much the better, but if not he could self isolate before moving in, so that you all know that he is not posing a risk to your husband.

When your son goes back to work, things get a bit more complicated, but again, there will be an initial risk period after which things will settle down to the same routine that so many are living with - getting changed as soon as he gets in and showering before coming into contact with his father.

The grandson moving back and forth is yet another complication (you poor thing!). Could your son see him at his ex wife's house, rather than the child coming back and forward? Again, observing all the precautions when he gets to your house, of course.

For all we know, the virus could be with us for years, and you need to get to a point where all of your family is able to live a compatible life together and separately, with as little risk as possible. I don't think it's possible to cut out all risk for everyone, but you can make it so low that it is preferable to the alternative, which is no risk from the virus itself, but high risk from the fall-out.

How very sad for your Son and his little family and for you, who probably had such high hopes that the original plan might work.

You do seem to be in a very difficult situation. I would always put your DH first and be sensible (if that were me). However, you do need to find some reassurance if you are going to be able to focus more on your life at home and worry less about your Son and his future. As you say you are very fond of your DiL and will probably wish to continue a relationship with her and her little boy in time to come, would you consider talking to her about this? Have you already done so? You don't want or need to interfere, that would be wrong, but is she aware or concerned at the difficulties that the current situation now present for everyone? Would she have any input as to why your Son's mental health seems to be deteriorating? Could she share in some plan or suggest anything to ease the stress for everyone and ultimately benefit everyone, especially your little GS? It does seem that a good plan was initially shared with all concerned and so this would not be a case of taking sides or alienating one party involved.

She might just say something/anything which might help you to step back a little and feel less anxious about your Son's mental health in these difficult times.

Try not to stress too much. They are adults and it will work out even if at the present time, it all seems too much to cope with. Good luck.

Yes, in the USA. Unfortunately about an hour or so from NY City which puts us close to the epicenter of the virus. His wife is considerate and kind and understands the issue regarding my DH’s health but she’s a mom too and is concerned that DS’s misery and sadness may adversely affect their son. My son is often sequestering himself in a room in their house just due to his mood state but again I worry about how my DGS may react to that. I’ve encouraged our son to address his meds, etc with his psychiatrist and to tell his wife what he told me - that he realizes he’s sleeping until 10 or 11 in the am and that isn’t good or helpful but we need to understand that at least he’s getting up when that alone is a tremendous effort.

Goodness me that is some dilemma! First of all I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of this extremely worrying almost impossible situation you find yourself in Nanamar. Could your son perhaps get a Covid test done? If this proved negative then it might be that your son could move with you, taking the most stringent measures to protect your DH and of course you. Other than that, If it were me I think I would be telling son to stay put in order to fully protect DH, and supporting him the best I could but from a distance. Easy for me to say though! and although I wish I could, I simply can't think of anything else!
Good luck with whatever you decide and I really hope things work out for you all.

Well he can’t come to live with you with such an ill husband so you will have to engage as much as you can with him whilst he either sits it out If his wife will let him or finds a temporary place to stay
It is possible to divide a house and whilst not ideal by a long chalk it can be done as long as the house isn’t tiny tiny the child will soon get used to which is Daddy’s rooms and which is mummy’s and happily go from each but they do need to be civilised and if that are constantly rowing that wouldn’t be possible
I know you can’t help your feelings but you need to be strong it’s their life and whilst you can help they have to sort their own trouble out.
Are you in USA I noticed the dollar signs and also the ‘therapy‘ Better for him to be in therapy than you really
Good luck I hope it works out but don’t open your house to CV if your husband is so very vulnerable