If you feel you need a laugh (and who doesn't at the moment) ...

A friend, who used to teach at a Liverpool school, told me this story.
He was marking essays, when he was amazed to read, "The door opened, and a nude woman walked in."
The following day he took the boy who had written the essay to one side, and asked why he had written that sentence. The lad looked bemused, so he told him to read out loud what he had written.
"Yes, Sir," he said, in a thick Scouse accent "The door opened, and anudder woman walked in."

My SIL had a rare break from looking after their toddler. My BIL’s boss and his wife had invited them out to dine at a really posh restaurant. All was going well until she announced she was going to have the ‘Chick chick’ soup for starters. ?

This is both very naughty and using offensive language but very funny ......

My son has additional needs, and as a little boy had a very much love / hate relationship with his cousin. His cousin was being educated in the public school sector, and had a cut glass accent and a speech impairment.

Anyway roll back to nearly 20 yrs ago, and my mother was holding a garden party my DS & DN were placed behind a table handing out a variety I f drinks. To wind him up, my DS was teasing DN, by saying 'suck, suck ,suck' after a short while, DN became a little upset, and running across to my sister, called out 'mummy, Toms calling at me 'fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck' ! My sister didn't wait for any explanation but immediately slapped his bottom and gave him a lecture about swearing!

My elder DGD’s were dancing and miming to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” . Their little brother was trying to join in but clearly wasn’t wanted . The older girl started changing the words slightly singing to her little brother “Your a virgin ....touched for the very first time” little brother went running to dad ....

“Dad tell her.....she says I’m a virgin and I’m not dad !”

An acquaintance of mine was a Methodist minister's wife. She said parishioners saw her as a sounding board and counsellor. One woman in particular approached on a daily basis. The parishioner was knocking on her door one day, in desperation the wife hid herself and her son and did not answer the door. A day later they encountered the woman in the street, ' My mummy doesn't like you, we saw you coming yesterday and mummy made us hide under the table.' said the child.

My DD was in a school play when she was about 7. She played the mother of a family. When I went to watch the performance, I was so proud. However, pride turned to embarrassment when she started shouting at her 'children' - 'sit down, shut up, eat your dinner or you'll get no pudding'. Everyone turned to look at me as I sunk into my seat. I didn't treat her like that. Honestly!

Kate1949 that sounds like my daughter at a similar age!
I went upstairs one day to find her in her bedroom; all her dolls and teddies were lined up on the bed against the wall.
She was wagging her finger at each one in turn, saying crossly, "How many times have I told you." ?
I cringed...

When I was a student midwife, many many years ago, a part of our final examinations was to sit a viva. On the panel there were very senior and important midwives and a very eminent consultant obstetrician.

Myself and my fellow students were quite nervous but our tutor assured us that confidence would get you everywhere. “Say everything with confidence, even if you don't feel it” she said.
So, my turn came around. The eminent consultant questioned me about a pregnant woman suffering from vaginal thrush. This was easy peasy. “And what would be prescribed for a woman suffering from vaginal thrush?” he asked.

I looked him in the eye, knowing that the end was in sight, we were winding down now, and with every last ounce of confidence I could muster, I told him that I would suggest that the woman be given nystatin suppositories. “Nystatin suppositories?” He said, a little quizzically. I again assured him that this would be the appropriate action.

In the car going home I thought pessaries....Nystatin PESSARIES

Embarrassing V3ra

Sometime in April, when we were all queuing six feet apart every time we went to the supermarket, (never could do metric,) I got stopped by the police.

It happened at the traffic lights, I was driving my vintage MG, a motorcycle cop pulled alongside and told me to pull over once I had cleared the lights.

"Joy riding in a classic car is hardly in keeping with the corona virus restrictions," he said. "I'm not joy riding," I protested. "Well that is certainly what it looks like to me," he answered, looking at me all dressed in vintage style, then looking at the car. "I'm going shopping," I said, waving my shopping bags and shopping list at him, adding: "The rules don't say that I have to drive a modern car and dress like a scruff." "That's true," he replied, and without so much as an apology, got on his bike and went on his way.

I texted the story to a fellow classic car owner, he too is a police officer, his reply is not printable.

My daughter's church were having a series of discussions tackling various topics not usually raised in church circles. They were held weekly in various peoples' homes. One was announced in the Sunday news sheet given out before the service as 'The problem with lust in [Mary Smith's] home.'

I went to a village gymkhana which had a proper tannoy system with a very posh man who sounded like he'd come straight from The Horse of the Year Show. All very slick, until he announced, 'Our next rider is [Jane Bloggs] with Nipples,' at which he faltered and all you could hear was him choking and trying to get his aplomb back. The onlookers were falling about with laughing.

(Apologies to any real Mary Smiths or Jane Bloggs reading this. No offence intended. ?)

Our daughter aged about 8 was overheard chatting to her same age friend. Friends father had a high powered job and worked long hours! Friends big sister was being taught to drive by father!! Sister reversed the car down their drive and hit a tree!! (giggle, giggle!) Apparently, 'Our daddy swore at Deborah '! (more giggles!!)'The trouble is (said friend) that we've got a bad tempered daddy' (poor man)! Yes, said our daughter sympathetically, 'We've got one of those'! We still laugh about that conversation !!

Many years ago, I was in hospital to be sterilised, as was every other woman on the ward. One afternoon, one lady was feeling a bit down and tearful. Her Polish husband arrived at visiting, patted her hand, and said "Never mind, no more white doctors", (Dr.White`s)it cheered her up no end. The poor man couldn`t understand why we were all laughing.

Daughter aged 11, I asked her what she’d done at school that day as I knew that they were learning about reproduction. She replied that they’d had maths with Mrs Green in the morning, then menstruation with Mrs Smith, and in the afternoon they’d had sexual intercourse with Mr Jones.

Eeeek W.m!!!!?

There I was sitting correcting English essays, when I came upon the following sentence:

"We went to the Zoo and afterwards we had buggers."

The writer was a 12 year old boy. I realised it probably was an innocent mistake, but all the same, it could be something else.

I said to the boy in question that I had been a little unsure what he meant with that sentence.

It transpired, fortunately, that he meant burgers.

Kate1949 and V3ra I sent your posts to my DCs. My DS replied, “I’d feel proud that they’d listened!” ??