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I am so sorry for your loss, Morethan. Your DiL’s suffering is over, and I wish you and your son and grandchildren comfort and strength to deal with life going forward without her. You’ll always remember the loving wife and mother she was and that will never leave you.?

I’m so sorry, Morethan

Thank you all for your comforting messages. I know I’ve neglected you and also the kind personal messages. It’s because these last few months have been so distressing. Not just for us but it was so awful I was afraid to share the horrors of the last few months of my DiL illness with you. I know the lockdown was necessary but oh how it impacted on her treatment. No one oversaw her drugs apart from the occasional useless telephone call. (We found out during her last weeks that her suffering was made worse because of this) she was left for hours screaming in either pain or distress. I found telephoning all the agencies upsetting as I begged for help/visits. The telephone consultations were difficult to hear so I used to leave the room in order to hear. I begged, I cried on one occasion I had to be rude and make in abundantly clear to a poor receptionist that no I wouldn’t be triaged for the umpteenth time that day and tell her “shut up and listen, my son is here with his terminally ill wife screaming for 18 hours a day while my three young grandchildren listen” still her g.p didn’t come out for five hours, five hours! When he did eventually arrive oh he couldn’t apologise enough. It didn’t make much difference because same situation happened two days later. My poor son used to telephone in tears. Now the Marie Curie Nurses were wonderful but even they were often late. I remember begging them to make her a priority. In the times someone else took over I would telephone the hospice and nicely explain the awful impact on my son and my very deep concerns about my grandchildren’s mental and emotional well being and our inability to manage my DiL pain. They were very understanding but still nothing happened to improve our situation.
I know that my poor son would telephone to say he just couldn’t manage. One time he was forced to say “just take her away” the guilt he feels now is awful. But he’d gone three night with no sleep trying his best to shield his children from her screams three floor below one of their bedrooms. In the last week before she died I started to make all the telephone calls in the room with my DiL I couldn’t hear them but I knew they could hear her and mostly someone arrived within a two hour slot.
Now I really want to be fair. The hospice did arrange for people to visit to wash her in the last three weeks because by this time she wasn’t able to even sit up. In the last two/days they did send nurses to sedate her.
I just can’t get all this out of my head. I can still hear her shouting “help me, help me” over and over. “Im scared, I’m scared” and perhaps for the first time since the whole thing started her screaming “it’s not fair” I can’t do this it’s not fair” I can still feel her hand squeezing mine as she lamented “it’s so dark, it’s so dark” (she’d lost her sight a few months before)
When we eventually got the telephone call to say they had a bed in the hospice and they were coming that day, but that only her next of kin could visit the whole family came to her bedside to say goodbye. Now I’m at an age when I’ve had to wait for many a much loved deceased to arrive at the door in a coffin so I know how it feels but this was so much worse. Waiting five hours for the ambulance to arrive. Feeling as if we we’re abandoning her to a lonely death, that we’d never see her again. Forcing her to leave her home, her children, the people who’d loving cared for her for such a long time because we had failed, we couldn’t cope. Watching as her two eldest daughters kissing her goodbye. Her poor mother soaking up every nano second with her daughter, her poor dad struck dumb with sickening fear on the other side of the room. Too afraid to say goodbye because he wanted the strength to support his wife and grandchildren. Knowing the two youngest would come home and be told they probably wouldn’t get to say bye or see their mummy again.
She had six days at the hospice and they were more than wonderful. They relented to our begging to let her mum be with her(the poor girl called pitifully for her mum all the time) as well as my son. They sorted her medication, they were kindness itself to my son, reassuring him that he’d made the right decision and had managed wonderfully in worse than difficult circumstances. They even allowed all our grandchildren in for an hour two days before she died. My DiL had a few days without distress or pain and she slipped away gently in her sleep six days after being admitted. But I never saw any of that. All I have is the sound of her distress, the feel of her hand as I tried to comfort her. The feel of her poor rough hair and skin as I stroked her. I’ll never know if I did or said the right thing. It haunts me. I’m so sorry I hope this doesn’t distress any of you. I wanted to explain my lack of communication. I felt so rude when you’d all been so good to me for such a long time.

My deepest condolences morethan, your poor family has been through hell.

Please believe you did all the right things , no one could have done more , xxx.

morethan I'm not a regular contributor to this thread but I've followed your daughter-in-law's horrendous illness. I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through. You sound like a wonderful mother-in-law, mother and grandmother who couldn't have done more

Oh morethan, you have moved me to tears. You all went through so much and been so strong. Please don't ever doubt that you did the best thing always. I am full of admiration for you.

Dearest morethan you have been through so much, what an awful time for you all. What I do know is that you have been there for your Daughter In Law, helping her and showing her immense kindness and love - and she knew she was loved morethan and that is worth everything. You all did the best you could and despite what was happening to your poor girl you were there for her.

I send love to all of you, you need some healing and you will always remain in my prayers for help to come through this. God bless you all xx

morethan no one reading your posts could doubt the love you felt for your DIL and all you have done to support her and her family. I remember at the beginning of this it was you she wanted with her in her hospital visits. You who have sat by her side and fed her and held her hand. Yes you said and did everything right. When people die, those closest to them often feel guilt. Please, please don’t do this to yourself. Your suffering has been on hold all these months as you have struggled on doing everything you can to support your son, grandchildren your DIL and her parents. You have been the rock of this family through it all.
Your DIL is now at peace. Please let some peace come into your life now. Don’t blame yourself for anything. You have been through a terrible trauma. You need some rest. God bless you all. ?

Dear Morethan, it must have been so very painful to write what you have but I’m so glad that you have managed to do this. I know you will always be assured of the love, thoughts and prayers of your many friends here. Thinking of and praying for you and all of your loved ones.

Dear morethan,I echo everything Doodle has said,you have been a tower of strength to your family and I am sure you will continue to be.Please take time for yourself as well.
I will continue to think and pray for you and your family.

Dear Morethan, I'm moved to tears by the cruelty of it all. I can only echo what others have said. What a wonderful woman you are, still putting everyone before your own needs.
Take care.

Morethan, there is nothing more any of you could have done for your daughter-in law; you truly cared for her in every possible way. It is dreadful that you are even thinking about guilt. It is right that you talk and write about it; you have had to carry such a dreadful burden for so long. I hope you are able to pour your heart out to friends, many times, who will listen to you and reassure and comfort you.

Morethan ...your family did more than could be expected.
Try to fortify yourself with the knowledge you all did your best when it was needed.
I recognise the picture of lack of help you describe and my heart goes out to you.
Thank you for being brave enough to help us understand the harsh truth of your experiences.
My best wishes prayers and hope for you all.
♥️

Morethan, that is the saddest post I have ever read. My heart goes out to you and all who loved and cared for your dear DiL.
?

It truly is one of the saddest things I've ever read, you have been such a tower of strength, and the way you have supported the family is amazing. You and your son and family are in my thoughts and prayers.

You have all been through such a harrowing time morethan and things could have been done better by the health service. I was horrified.
Thank goodness the hospice did your DIL proud by meeting her needs in the final days when she was taken from your loving care (and her children, parents and Husband).

You have such a good heart, please let the pain go and allow some happiness back in. You are an amazing Mother, and even Mother’s must rest. ?

Dear Morethan please listen to all the posts on here. We have followed your distress knowing that we didn't know it all but not guessing just how bad the last months have been. You are a wonderful mother and grandmother and have been a fantastic MiL. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Try to be kind to yourself if only so that you can help your lovely family. Remember the safety demo on an aircraft ' You have to put your own mask on before you can help others'. Many prayers for you and your family

So sad Morethan. And such a long period of suffering for you, your Son's wife, your Son and the family.
It's a very cruel illness.
Condolences to all, and to the poor girl rest in peace at last.

morethan Having read your latest post, I have no words to convey my sadness. It is almost like a visit to hell on earth. Your daughter-in-law is at PEACE. Her suffering is ENDED. You and the family have to carry on supporting each other through her loss. You can and will do just that.

I shall return tomorrow to tell you about today's hospital appointment.

morethan Only just read that your darling girl has passed away.
My sincere condolences to you and your family.?

Your latest update is truly a harrowing read, it has made me weep for you and your lovely family

I`m crying here Morethan, but so glad that your darling daughter-in-law`s suffering is finally over, and that she is now at peace. All my very best wishes to you, her husband and children.

Morethan ??????
I cannot put into words how sorry I am, but angry too on your DIL and her family’s behalf. Nobody’s final weeks or months should be such a nightmare. The guilt you are all almost certainly feeling is entirely unjustified but that won’t stop it.
The girls will surely benefit at some stage from bereavement counselling, as this experience has been so very much more than eg “granny/grandpa slipping away in their sleep at a good age”
It will be a long long process for you before anybody is going to come close to healing, I just send you all my sincerest condolences.

Dear morethan thank you for helping us to understand all that has been happening with your family, that was a very brave post and I hope that it will be part of the healing that you need after all that you have been through.
It is such a normal thing to feel that you could have or should have done more but you must concentrate on all that you actually did and just thank God that you had the opportunity to be there by her side and did so much for her and the whole family. Try to remember that it is how she lived that you must remember and not how she died. Her children need to have the photographs and stories of her life with them shared with them over and over again and in the light of those happy memories then hopefully these last traumatic events will begin to fade away both for them and for you. All of this will take time and probably a good deal of effort but you will get to the point that whenever you think of your dear DIL it will just make you all smile.
Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers as ever, with much loving concern xx

Lovely post Synonymous.
For morethan and all visiting dear soop ‘s kitchen today.