Je regrette a lot

Yes, I often go over behaviours in my past for which I feel guilt or shame or both. Especially where my family was concerned. But then being raised a Catholic really did make me feel that I was responsible for the sins of the world. I have made an apology to my children without a lot of explanation. I was such a different person way back then from who I am now because I've grown up along the way and learnt from my mistakes and opened my eyes and my ears. I doubt if anyone can honestly say they have never behaved badly.

Factfinder I tend to dwell on things as well. It makes me feel awful - even if it was things going back to my childhood. I go on a guilt trip and wish things were otherwise. Sometimes I feel as if I was a horrible person, and still do.

You are not alone.

'Yesterday is heavy, put it down'.... a phrase l read recently, which spoke volumes to me.

I could have written that myself!
Over this time of lockdown it has been much worse than usual. I go over conversations and actions and hate myself for things I’ve done. I think what a bad mother I’ve been and blame myself for things that have gone wrong in my children s lives. So much I should not have done and so many things I should have. So sad about it all.

Have you tried a little mediation or mindfulness? I find it helps tremendously to calm my mind and stop incessant thoughts x

I also want to endorse Eckhart Tolle as Harmonygranny mentioned. Such wonderful wisdom he imparts is life changing and freeing. He also wrote A New Earth which can be deeply healing. We are all human and all imperfect and making mistakes is part of our human experience. We are all I believe also deeply loved. My best wishes to you.

I too suffer immensely from guilt over so many things (I’m 74 now). Night time is worst when I lay thinking about things. It’s a bit of a comfort to know I’m not alone though and will try some of the suggestions to see if they help ?

From the title of this thread I thought it would be about Brexit!

not really off topic, imo

but this Black lives matter, with which I absolutely AGREE

but looking back at history, and these statues, and names of roads and buildings, Bristol being a prime suspect...

I just wish, hope, pray, that the media and everyone would think and DO SOMETHING about the present day slavery,, what is done is done, and yes, b.... awful,, and all that..

but we do NOT seem to learn! sorry we don`t... do something NOW about present day slavery?

too much to ask?

When I was 4 years old I was playing with my new little kitten and pretended it had been naughty and threw it against a wall. Apparently its neck was broken. A family friend drowned it in a glass jug in front of me. The vision of that still haunts me and although I was only 4 I still feel guilty about it 75 years later. I am an animal lover and have given a lot of money over the years to animal charities but it does not assuage the guilt I still feel.

Like Bathsheba, I believe this method could help you. Good luck.

So many in the same boat and so much good advice Thank you all.
This seems to be something that gets worse with age and lockdown has not helped (so much time to think). In addition to re-running bad behaviour from 50 years ago, I also think far too much about ‘near misses’ with the children (e.g. when one of the nearly got run over), things I sailed through at the time but find difficult to forget now. These are things that were not even my fault. It’s a sort of retrospective anxiety, such a waste of time and energy but tough to deal with.

My mum is exactly the same at age 89. This tends to happen when there is nothing going on in one's life and not much to look forward to. It is a waste of time. Read a good book.

Sounds as if it is time to go to confession.

We have all done things we are ashamed of looking back, but you really must not let them ruin your life.

If you are not a believer, so confession doesn't appeal to you, do try to get professional help. There is no point in feeling so sad and guilty about these very human mistakes.

It’s a female thing too.
We’re so hard on ourselves & strive for perfection in everything.
If things go wrong we take on all the responsibility & blame.
Nothing happens in total isolation.
What ever you did wrong was due to a whole host of factors ( many of which were probably out of your control )
Yes, I’m sure you could have done things differently - handled things better - ( who couldn’t! ) but no one is perfect, & the fact that you now feel so much guilt proves you are a nice decent person.
Look forward now op, you have plenty of time to make fantastic new memories & to enjoy life - a life rich with experience.

Annaraml - you were a very small child with a child's mind. .So dreadful for you. Please try and forgive yourself. You didn't mean to hurt your kitten. You have helped lots of animals in atonement. It is over.

Another vote for CBT here. The only people who don't have regrets are sociopaths (I can think of one who is the so-called leader of the free world). For the rest of us, we make mistakes and we learn from them, but we must try not to get caught up in ruminant cycles of regret. You can't change the past, the future is not yet here, now is the only time you can influence. Get help before you are too low.

My Aunt used to say Hell is looking back on your life and remembering the things you did wrong and cant put right. At the time I dismissed it as old lady speaking, but now I'm an old lady I know how true her words are.

Apologise - that always works and very few people do it. It would seem that saying 'I'm sorry" is difficult for people to say. Even if it is a long time ago you can still say it because I expect, all the people who you though you hadn't been nice to, haven't forgotten. If they are no longer with us then find a private, quiet place and perhaps a little 'out loud' apology to them.

Factfinder I read this article a long time ago - I hope you find it interesting and maybe helpful.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201402/bargaining-your-past-creates-regret-in-the-present%3famp

“If you find yourself in the cycle of regret, replaying a scene in your head and sculpting a different outcome, try to acknowledge that there are reasons you did what you did at the time. Understand that your past self didn’t have the wealth of knowledge or perspective your current self does. Putting your past in context and acknowledging that there were more forces at play than you may have considered at the time can help you feel more accepting of the person you are now.”

It's a rare person who hasn't said or done things without regret and sometimes I dwell on them too. During these strange lockdown times as our lives have changed so much I think that those of us who are not on the front line have more time to look back. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
I believe a famous quote goes along the lines of, "a man who never made a mistake never made anything" which helps a little.

I can so identify with this. Great shame comes over me when I think of some of my selfish actions. But I have done a Freud on myself as it were and realise it all came about through my childhood. I’m sure a stable upbringing would have made a difference. Try to look on yourself as a child and be kind to that child. When a hateful memory arises, I try to compartmentalise it, put it in a box in my brain and close the door. As others have said, if you have any religious feeling, and you don’t need a lot, pray and forgive yourself. We are only human.
I also agree with reading a good book! In the middle of a serious family worry I was telling my brother about my book. ‘How can you concentrate on that!” He said. But it’s always been a life saver, words of wisdom and to climb into someone else’s mind which corresponds to your own and read of similar experiences.
I won’t feel subject to this when life is more ‘normal’ and I’m out and about with others I’m sure.

Some excellent ideas from everybody; this is what I've found worked for many of my worries including one the same as yours. My feelings come from childhood too.

I visualise the worry as a little child feeling that it is protecting me by reminding me constantly (keeping pulling at my hand, wanting attention etc.). I bend down to its level and take it on my lap and hug it, accepting it as it is and loving it.

So I'm not resisting or fighting the thoughts that haunt me (which I find makes the thoughts even more damaging); I'm simply accepting that they are there in the form of the child, who only wants to be noticed.

This may all sound ridiculous, but it does work very well for me, so I wanted to tell you about it.

janeainsworth

Factfinder I read this article a long time ago - I hope you find it interesting and maybe helpful.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201402/bargaining-your-past-creates-regret-in-the-present%3famp

“If you find yourself in the cycle of regret, replaying a scene in your head and sculpting a different outcome, try to acknowledge that there are reasons you did what you did at the time. Understand that your past self didn’t have the wealth of knowledge or perspective your current self does. Putting your past in context and acknowledging that there were more forces at play than you may have considered at the time can help you feel more accepting of the person you are now.”

Very wise words it seems to me.You are not alone in those thoughts Factfinder I think being older makes us ‘think back’ a lot, which is why some seem to talk about the past more than they do the present.
The very fact that we know we would have done things differently and regret our words and actions is in itself a good thing, but not if we dwell or brood on it constantly.
Forgive your younger self and look forwards now, not backwards.

MissTree thank you for posting that. Reading 'When I knew better, I did better' made me feel lighter. Like the OP, I dwell on my wrongs, which are many, and can crucify myself wishing I could change thoughtless, unkind behaviour and say how sorry I am to those I must have hurt. The small hours are the worst; sometimes I have to tell myself that at least I suffer now thinking about it, as a kind of penance, and haven't carried on with silly or unkind behaviour because now I know how wrong it is, but oh how I wish I could change some things I have done and said in my silly impetuous youth.