Je regrette a lot

From the title of this thread I thought it would be about Brexit!

I too suffer immensely from guilt over so many things (I’m 74 now). Night time is worst when I lay thinking about things. It’s a bit of a comfort to know I’m not alone though and will try some of the suggestions to see if they help ?

I also want to endorse Eckhart Tolle as Harmonygranny mentioned. Such wonderful wisdom he imparts is life changing and freeing. He also wrote A New Earth which can be deeply healing. We are all human and all imperfect and making mistakes is part of our human experience. We are all I believe also deeply loved. My best wishes to you.

Have you tried a little mediation or mindfulness? I find it helps tremendously to calm my mind and stop incessant thoughts x

I could have written that myself!
Over this time of lockdown it has been much worse than usual. I go over conversations and actions and hate myself for things I’ve done. I think what a bad mother I’ve been and blame myself for things that have gone wrong in my children s lives. So much I should not have done and so many things I should have. So sad about it all.

'Yesterday is heavy, put it down'.... a phrase l read recently, which spoke volumes to me.

Factfinder I tend to dwell on things as well. It makes me feel awful - even if it was things going back to my childhood. I go on a guilt trip and wish things were otherwise. Sometimes I feel as if I was a horrible person, and still do.

You are not alone.

Yes, I often go over behaviours in my past for which I feel guilt or shame or both. Especially where my family was concerned. But then being raised a Catholic really did make me feel that I was responsible for the sins of the world. I have made an apology to my children without a lot of explanation. I was such a different person way back then from who I am now because I've grown up along the way and learnt from my mistakes and opened my eyes and my ears. I doubt if anyone can honestly say they have never behaved badly.

Factfinder: thank you for your post, it’s helped me realise I’m not alone. I’ve tried CBT in the past but it seems to have ‘worn off’ lately. Will get my book out today.

Bathsheba has the answer. Hers is an excellent suggestion ...

I wouldn’t give it any more time or thoughts. We all make and have made mistakes in the past. Move on and live your life as it is now.

Yes CBT is excellent

As we get older, it seems that regrets and guilts somehow get worse.

I do that a lot. I seem to have been a good mum but constantly think of all I should of done better. I was a good daughter but just think of all the upset I've caused my parents at times. I met my husband age 15 and we're now 59. We have a happy marriage but I often think of what we could of done better when we were younger. I think of things I've done in work and friendships that are minor embarrassments. I know I'm a good person, I know I have a close family and I know I tried hard in my job .....and yet the lows in my life are now prominent in my memories

Do you know that you can choose NOT to be caught in this thought storm. After all if you carry on you'll be trapped in it till the end of your days and that would be horrible for you.

Reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and also finding out about the 3 Principles
(a similar philosophy) has helped me so much in this regard. Now I understand that many of the thoughts that are continually running through all our minds are negative, repetetive, and regretful. The wonderful thing is however that we really DO have the power not to be consumed by them and to actually create space for fresh and constructive new ones. It's true, honestly!
Good luck with your search for information about this, Factfinder (!) and a happy New life to you. ?

From what you say about your childhood, I think you might have had a parent or parents that were overly critical about any childhood misdemeanour and this has carried through your adult life. Sigmund Freud did a lot of research about childhood experiences on adults.

You do not give examples of what you actually did that could be construed as so bad to make these acts and omissions continue to haunts you. Many of us were rebellious teenagers. Some of us made bad decisions in our relationship and life choices.. We all have made some mistakes in life but there is no point punishing ourselves forever..

Counselling sessions or reading some self help books on self esteem and how to rid yourself of negative thoughts may help. It is common to become reflective as we get older but it sounds like this might be making you depressed. We can't change the past, and negative thoughts are rarely helpful. By all means apologize to those you care about if you have really wronged people. If you do write the negative thoughts down, make sure you balance this out by finding some positives in your life or actions you can take to improve your perspective that might help to find a way forward.

Practice the Ho’pononono technique Forgiveness works

There is something I did through thoughtlessness once, nothing terrible, and probably something a lot of people wouldn't fret so much over, but it was a very upsetting thing to me because of a consequence to someone I loved. It still bothers me and I think of it every single day with pangs of guilt. Whatever I tell myself, it's there.

Me too! I always seem to remember the things I have done wrong and some are cringeworthy. I tell myself I've learnt from them and wouldn't do them again. And I reason that I've been around for a very long time so it would be remarkable if I hadn't made mistakes now and again. Forgive yourself. They are in the past. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you, such helpful suggestions everyone. And it's good to know that lots of people feel like this.

You have my sympathy. Over thinking can be an aspect of anxiety. There are times when I bear the guilt of the world for no real reason but I still feel that way and I often rerun conversations that I had as far back as childhood and feel terrible guilt. I can be logical and tell myself to forget it but the guilt wheedles its way back.

I have no advice about how to deal with it but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

I have found volunteering helps guilt. I help with refugees who have nothing so somehow when they show deep appreciation it wipes out some of the guilt I carry. I think as we grow up it’s good to give something back especially our ‘time’ and it gives us less time to ruminate. As a Christian I also believe in forgiveness and healing

I'm mildly OCD and can usually keep it under control but I realised a while ago that overthinking something is another symptom, and this realisation has helped me to find a switch off mechanism. Give yourself a break and listen to something funny/interesting to take your mind off things.

Think of a phrase - such as the one that MissTree mentions -and when a guilty thought comes into your brain say the phrase to yourself. I really hope that this works for you x

If you are a churchgoer and a believer remember that God has forgiven you.

Most people have things they regret because we are human beings. And we tend to remember the few bad things we've done and forget all the many good nice things. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can apologise to people who are still here of course. I have done this twice. The two people I apologised to couldn't remember the thing I was apologising for, which was funny. All my years of guilt and they didn't even remember!