Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

Having friends works both ways - you also have to make contact. You are not alone as you have a husband and children whilst there are some who have nobody. Sorry to sound harsh but just try making one phone call each day to somebody different - they might be glad to hear from you.

I probably only have one person I would call a friend. She is an ex-work colleague and we were very close. We still keep in touch and have had meals out together (before lockdown). She, in turn, has a huge amount of friends. She is divorced and has different groups of friends that she holidays with and socialises with. She has asked me to join some of the groups on occasion but to be honest I don’t want to - my choice.

I have a partner, but as an only child, no siblings. I only have two cousins and they both live in Scotland so I never see them. My partner’s eldest daughter is only 10 years younger than me and I consider her a “friend” as well as a stepdaughter as we have a lot in common. I’m very close to his other daughter as well. However, I love my own company and don’t need anyone else. I look out for my elderly neighbour and I consider her a close contact but not really a friend as such. I’ve always had “work friends” having worked 44 years before I recently retired but like Maw pointed out, they were work colleagues rather than actual friends. Yes, we did socialise on occasion but once the work connection is gone you realise that was all you had in common.

However, like others have said, if you want friendship you have to seek it out and try new things - clubs, rambling association etc. Chat to people you meet in the supermarket (maybe not now of course because of social distancing) and smile at people. I seem to attract all sorts of people to me because I smile a lot!

By the way, the only people who have contacted me during lock down have been my close friend and my lovely stepdaughters. Not everybody needs a large group of friends. You have a partner and children, a lot of people would envy you that. Take care.

I don't know if you are still working, but if you are not 'full time waged' you fit the criteria to join U3A. Ours is not functioning during lockdown, but it gives you time to find out about your local group. We (normally) have a monthly meeting with a speaker, and there dozens of interest groups to join, from choir to scrabble, yoga to amblers, language groups, art, creative writing etc. All are very friendly and welcoming. Ot would be ideal for you.

I understand loneliness. I have several friends but the lockdown has brought an end to getting together. Even the ladies church group I belong to doesn’t meet because of the virus. I also get lonely. I’m single and have talked about selling the big house and moving to a condo where I might meet more people but that seems extreme and people are not going out so even that sounds impossible.

donna1964's idea has potential - especially as people on here may well have things in common and probably don't live near each other.

I agree with many posts that it is important to get out there and make an effort and that it is very important not to appear "needy" as that puts people off. I have also found that one "group" I belong to run off in their separate ways as soon as the meeting is over.

Kandinsky - I will PM you later today.

Friends are like plants. They need watering and plenty of attention or they die. On the other hand, like plants, you can nurture new ones and as long as you don't neglect them entirely, they will repay you 10 fold. That reminds me I promised I would make a face mask for a friend who can't find one comfortable enough to wear.

Join a couple of clubs or groups or treat yourself to a community education class, such as art, pottery etc. Choose something you would like best and you will meet like-minded people. Stay in touch with people and give your own life priority.

Hmm. I already knew that I only have two friends, one of whom lives two hours away. Then there’s my husband and son.
But I’m not lonely. If you’re lonely then it must be really Hard particularly if like me you’re not a “joiner”. I just find people such hard work I go home with a headache.

I'm with you Rosalyn

What an odd attitude?
You’re only 57!
How much effort do YOU put into your friendships?
Did you visit anyone to drop off a cake or call them on the off chance to ask how they’re doing?

I moved to a new country when I was 50 and apart from my husband and son, I didn’t know anyone. It was an adventure. Our house in the UK was sold, stuff went into storage and we hired a holiday cottage for 2 weeks to have a look around. We’d visited the country on holiday but not this area.

Since then, we bought a house and I’ve made loads of new friends. Some who are parents of kids my son’s age and some much older.

Do you ever throw parties? We host an annual NY day party. We invite the neighbours and some friends. We’d normally host a garden party in the summer, but we’re obviously not going to do that this year.

You have to be the one making the effort.

I am the same. I am almost 62 and moved many times over the years with lots of promises from people to stay in touch. It has always been a one way thing - me doing the contacting or visiting or I don't see or hear from anyone.

This lockdown has shown just how few friends I do have. I know people, but they aren't friends. When I am in work my hours are such that they don't allow time for clubs etc due to me finishing work very late.

I am incredibly lonely and this lockdown has really affected my mental health. I am divorced with adult children, but it doesn't stop the loneliness.

What a timely post @Kandinsky! I was feeling exactly the same yesterday. Actually I’ve felt like that for a long time but recent circumstances have highlighted it I think. And some of the replies here make my blood boil! I am 66, retired with husband, children & lovely grandchildren. The family I can’t see at the moment, but surprise, lovely as my husband is, I do need other people from time to time. I am very social, I’ve started groups locally & try & keep in touch with them even now. But I would love someone to just pick up the phone, text, email just to say “how are you doing?” The number of times I have contacted people recently to be met with “I was just thinking about you” but I feel I am always the first to make the move. So, with many people, including my so called “best friend” I have given up. The effort is too draining at the moment. My husband thinks it’s because I present as a confident, coping person. So I guess my plea is to everyone, PLEASE pick up the phone & contact that person you’ve not checked in on for a while. They may not be doing as well as you think. Yesterday I was seriously contemplating what was the point of this “new normal” & my “friends” would be very shocked to hear that (if they bothered to ask).

When things are a little better why not join the U3A you would be made very welcome and in no time you will have made friends, either at the monthly meeting or at any of the individual groups within. Please give it some thought and look up U3A online for your area.

Dear Kandinsky - I am so sorry to hear that you feel friendless. I don't think at 57 you are too old to make new friends! I was 67 when I retired and upped sticks to move to a part of the country 80 miles away. This was fulfilling a life long dream. I did not know a soul and live on my own. My daughter lived 30 miles away (however she has now moved to the US). I started by volunteering at our local library and then as an usher at the nearby theatre. (tip here is only to volunteer to "causes" that you are interested in!), I also got an allotment & joined the local WI and art group. Yes, a lot of people are in their own cliche and don't want to look outside of it but there are also people who are happy to embrace an outsider!! I am now 70 and have made quite a few good friends, been on holiday with one of them, & when walking to the village shop am able to greet so many people by name. I have a small dog and find that you meet a lot of people through dog walking. When we get back to our new "normal" and it is safe to do so when societies and volunteer opportunities start to open up again do have a look around and see if you have any locally that you are interested in. It is so much easier to make friends when you have a comment interest...good luck and don't give up Kandinsky - I am sure that you have so much to contribute to your local community and as a friend! x

Unfortunately being shy and not an extrovert makes it hard. I too am.shy. Most of my friends live many miles away. I ring elderly relatives or old family friends. Try and make friends with your neighbours. Is there anyone elderly living alone that wants so companionship. I can't really put myself out there much as I have chronic bad health. However since lockdown we have got to know our neighbours better. Give it time. There must be many people like us feeling the same. Maybe offer a neighbour some support. Ask them if they need anything.

Have you considered volunteering? A charity shop, a Foodbank, any support organisation would welcome you. Offer your services even as a doggie walker for anyone housebound. Believe me, it will open many doors for you and you will meet others. Worked for us when we had to relocate 8 years ago after DH stroke....village has a community shop manned by volunteers of a senior age mostly. Best move ever! Good luck!

I also take my dogs out walking. That's always a conversation starter.

Cata5 Just want to wish you Many happy returns of your birthday, whenever it was. ??

Megs36 everyone doesn't know each other on GN. I often feel ignored. I've heard others lamenting that no one answers their posts. But its really not important. There does seem to be a core group who are close. I used to envy groups like that, in real life too. But then I think do I really want to make the effort and the answer is no. I don't have the energy or desire. A couple of good friends are enough and my art groups where more time is spent chatting over coffee than painting!.
I think for those who are lonely and shy joining groups with common interests is a good thing. Or volunteering. But you do have to make an effort and take chances. Everyone won't want to be our friend and vice versa.

I have had 'friends' all my life. That is until some disaster happens and then they fall by the wayside. my closest friends of twenty five years who I met through work and once we left and all had 'lump sums' and equalled us out financially changed the dynamics and although no arguments the once a month 'meet up' fell away. Now in lockdown and thinking about friendships 'I really do not care' I have always been a giver but after my life changed financially (for the better) so did the friendships. I enjoy my hobbies and enjoy the freedom of doing what I want and when I want.

I don’t have friends. I have a wonderful family all nearby and my DH who is lovely. I have burnt my fingers trying to make friends. I honestly don’t know where I go wrong. Maybe because I was a very shy only child (until my sister was born when I was 11). Any so-called friends I’ve made have been emotionally draining and I’ve found it impacting my own MH. I joined a fitness group a while back and was so happy to be part of a social group, but then found that I was being left out of get-togethers. This got so bad that I had a breakdown and I now accept that friends are not for me. Quite honestly OP if you have a great family around you, why worry about it.

I agree that the wording of the OP was perhaps a bit strange, in that expecting people to drop off cakes when we are all suffering under what's left of the lockdown might come across as a bit demanding.

But I also think that it was probably just an example of the way that the media can make it feel as though everyone else is having a great life when we (generic) aren't. It's a bit like seeing all the holiday photos on Facebook, or the smiling children with excellent school reports. Nobody posts about wet weekends or the days when the children are being horrible, do they? I think it is more of a general point about realising that she doesn't have friends, which becomes more noticeable when we can't get out and about as we used to.

It's not very helpful to tell the OP stories about how people host parties (how can she do that without people to invite?) or how to meet people with children the same age as hers (that works when they are school age, but not otherwise) and so on.

I left work recently, and found that not only did my social circle shrink, but that the friends I have in my home town were made at a time when I didn't really need the same sort of stimulus as I did when I was working. I like them a lot, but we don't really have as much in common as I would like. I am much more sociable than they are, for instance, and would like to have more people to go out with regularly (as I used to do after work when I was there). Also, they were already a friendship group when I left work, having been SAHMs when I wasn't, so they already have one-to-one things set up between them that I can't easily take part in.

Before lockdown, I signed up for a couple of local classes, so that I could meet others with similar interests, and was enjoying them, but of course they have been cancelled for the duration. I know that won't be for everyone, but there are so many different options that there might be something going on locally that people might have an interest in. After the initial class, which might be a bit awkward for an introvert, it will be very easy to attend without knowing people in advance.

It might be September before these things start up again (if we don't get a second wave), but there is everything from yoga to car maintenance on offer, with a lot in between, so the odds are that there will be something that might appeal, and it would be a start. When contacts have been made, it will be easier to suggest meeting outside of the class, or there is the option of hosting a charity coffee morning (there are lots of them) and invite people to that without worrying that you sound needy.

I'm in the same boat. No one has independently got in touch to ask how I am (I'm 60, at home with elderly parents 92 & 89 with underlying health problems). One brother asks how I am if we're in touch via email about something, but it's never an email in itself. Even pre-lockdown neither brother if visiting would ever come & seek me out to find out how I am. Oh, and I do have a sister but she's a cranky old soul, though she has mellowed a little as she's got older.

One close friend moved several years ago for her job & to save the marriage. We got back in touch on Twitter once she'd separated from him (he was controlling of her friends) but now she's gone silent again a couple of months ago. I've written a letter to her address but nothing.

My boyfriend, or rather my sexual friend, is not very good at the keeping in touch scenario, but I learnt that very quickly into the now 30-year-relationship.

I'm 'friends' with a small handful of ex-work colleagues on Facebook, but again none of them have reached out independently, but that doesn't surprise me.

At work (about 25 years ago) we used to for girlie meals at Pizza Express, and they were great fun, meeting up with others who worked at other locations. But then I realised I was the one setting the date & time, so I gradually stopped organising and soon they stopped all together.

Group things for me these days are very hard as I need to lip-read - even family gatherings at Christmas make me feel an outsider.

I too have those moments when I feel no one really cares. But I just do my own thing. My life is my own. Yes, I would like friends who would just pop by or I could see them.

But it is what it is.

You have to get out and find friends. I always, always suggest becoming a volunteer with the National Trust. When they re-open they will be looking for lots of new volunteers and it's a wonderful, interesting and exciting thing to do. You have your own group who work on the same day as you, there are social events and you meet lots of people during a normal day. Get out there, find your nearest National Trust house. So much to enjoy.

Not really the same, I do have a few friends who have kept in touch by phone, and many who live in the UK (I dont) we have skype sessions which are lovely, but I dont have many friends generally.I do the phoning but they never seem to take the initiative to ring first. Try some groups after the lock down,or volunteer in a charity shop they always need volunteers, and you would meet lots of people, may not become friends but it will be a change. Good Luck