Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

Unfortunately it is relatively rare for work colleagues to be true friends after the common denominator is longer there. I have observed that it is barely 6 weeks after someone has left a job, for that person to evaporate in the minds of former colleagues, especially when a new member of a team has joined. I worked for the same employer for 30 years and have only stayed in touch with about 10 former colleagues, and even then most have moved away and do not live nearby. I have however made new local friends by joining activities but realistically lockdown has reduced contact to the occasional text and zoom meet ups, which are quite boring as no-one has any news to report. I definitely had no expectations of additional phone calls or delivery of cake!
Prior to lockdown I have found that it has become rarer to invite/ be invited round to anyone's home, but this has been replaced by arranging to meet for lunch or a coffee, which seems to have become far more commonplace than it used to be, as evidenced by the number of coffee shops that have opened up in last 10 years of so. Friendships seem to involve quite a bit of proactivity and two way effort nowadays.

I keep in touch with most people via Facebook: it’s a good way of doing so without phoning someone that you don’t necessarily know well enough to have a long conversation with on the phone (something that can get awkward if you run out of things to talk about). This includes ex work colleagues that I’m quite fond of but don’t necessarily have a lot in common with now. The only friend I have phoned on a regular basis is someone who lives alone and I do so to check she’s ok. She does have a large friendship group where she lives but our friendship goes back 50 plus years. We just chat about tv programmes (used to be what we’d seen at the cinema but that’s obviously not happening now): politics (she’s Tory I’m Labour but we’re both anti brexit) and which diet we’re on now. I’m on a couple of other forums apart from this one and people are very concerned in the current climate if someone doesn’t post for a while and they do try to make contact in other ways. I couldn’t post for a while as I’d changed my iPad and was struggling with the new one, and was quite touched when someone asked about me. I find that I get incredibly fond of ‘internet chums’.

Same here, I'm ft carer for hubby who is bedridden and apart from my daughter texting me I don't hear from anyone. I had one friend, or thought she was a friend until I realised she never messaged me first or rang me and when we went out to lunch I always picked her up and paid. She offered to pay once but followed it up with "this is a one off, I can't afford to pay for lunch". I felt like she was doing me a favour, a coffee would have been enough just to have a chat, so now I wake up thinking just another same old day. It's only the fact that carers call three times a day that I see people lol

I have the same feeling. Why is it always me who has to do the initial contact?. I only know what the family are doing through facebook.

Can I suggest YOURS magazine looking for friends section. I have made a couple of friends through this. You could say something on the lines “looking for ladies to go out locally for coffee, cinema etc in ..............(state your locality) area” its a free service. Yes, you really do need to make the effort. I have moved several times to different areas. The W.I is ok but again you have to make an effort as the other members have their pals already established, if you are prepared to take a role on the Committee you will become integrated quicker, that I promise! Good luck

What do you like doing? That is a good starting point for making friends. Anything from knitting to rock climbing will produce a group. Sometimes you have to be the one to make the moves and reach out to other people. During lockdown there have been so many groups for volunteers opening up - our village has a WhatsApp group and as a result we are all much friendlier. Local town has an 'In Need' group - I think most areas have them. Perhaps you could shop for someone or bake a cake or offer to do some weeding? All this has been said in different ways, but if you want to make friends you will make friends, but you must want them because you like and are interested in them, not just because you are desperate for a friend.

annepl Your right about core groups and being ignored and even more right about it not being important ?Its just annoying!!

Craicon suggesting that someone who feels that they have no friends should hold a party is kind of out of touch! We once held a party and ONE PERSON came. He soon shuffled off leaving us mortified.

Its all very well endlessly suggesting joining clubs and volunteering etc but as has been said, some of us have tried this ad nauseam with no results!

I think this lockdown has shown how many people we have in our life that care about us.
I live with my husband, son, daughter and grandson. So we’ve been locked down together. We’ve only had One visitor, when it was allowed. My grandsons dad. We have no one to be in a bubble with ?
I’ve got female friends that I keep in touch with , who’ve all got lots of family to mix with.
I’m looking forward to meeting up with them when they can fit me in.
I’ve been shielding, so really am looking forward to returning to work as well.

Can I suggest that now we face fewer restrictions, you start going to church? You don't have to 'believe' (but it probably helps) but if you attend regularly you will soon find your assistance is needed in all sorts of ways.
If nothing else, you will have somewhere to go once a week, and if you smile and say 'hello' you will soon make new friends. You will have to meet people half way - just try it - say 'good morning' (the worst that can happen is that they ignore you, just speak up - they may be deaf) What's to lose?
If you just sit at home, no-one will call you.
Have courage, and Good luck.

Kadinsky
Have you thought about joining the W.I.? I joined it over 10 years ago, I didn't particularly want to to be honest at the time, but I have made some super friends. I'm in a W.I. book group and we have really bonded, we have a real laugh, chat and enjoy each other's company. Why not try it when lockdown finishes and things get back to normal?

Kandinsky, I am so sorry to hear your problem, and you are certainly not too late to make friends.

I am considerably older than you, but am still in regular touch with friends made 50 years ago, rather more regularly since lockdown just to check on whether we are all still alive! Since none of us live near each other we have occasional reunions, sometimes rather sad a our numbers are decreasing! Similarly, I am still friends with ex-neighbours from three house moves. I am always a little uneasy about advice to join various groups as a way of finding friends. as you could find yourself moving into a clique and feel rejected. There are much simpler ways, and although they may sound trivial I have found since my husband died I have almost without trying made friends with some of the women I have met though casual conversations in coffee shops and others who I have met on my regular walks which is particularly easy if you are a dog lover and they have a dog!. I sm talking about friends not acquaintances although they are always welcome.

I know this may sound trivial but believe me it does work. Please try it. I am very happy with my own company, always have been, and I have a wonderful family and good neighbours but it is nice to know there are other people in my life. Don't give up, I'm sure it will all work out for you if you try.

Good luck and best wiches.

Kandinsky and others who feel the same, can you pluck up the courage to pick up the phone and call an acquaintance or two, just saying something along the lines of 'hi, how are you doing in these weird times, I've been feeling a bit in need of a friendly chat myself and thought I'd ring a few friends to see who else feels like a bit of telecon company'. You never know, someone might be really grateful for the call and the seeds of friendship are sown.

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I have just read them all & really appreciate your support & encouragement.
I’m usually okay with life and everything it throws at me, and yes I am very fortunate to have a husband and family, but sometimes it would be lovely to meet a friend for a coffee and a chat. Lockdown has just highlighted that for me. But I will ‘get out there’ smile, & try my best.
Thank you again.

I really have NO IDEA how a trivial chat In a coffee shop could blossom into friendship not one, but over and over again.
Illuminate please!! When I try to chat in an English shop it usually turns into a few strangled replies and then the person addressed gets out their phone or becomes fascinated by the inside of their bag.
Perhaps there is regional variation? People in the North often speak it's true, whereas it's the southern half of the country where people run a mile from being addressed.

Kadinsky You say " I just have to accept that I am not particularly popular" it sounds like your inner voice telling you this. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. I know it is not always easy to make new friends. What about you and your Husband do you do things together as a couple, is he perhaps a little more outgoing than you. Start of small and see what happens but remember to always walk tall because you are as important as anyone else you meet out there.

I moved around a lot due to DHs job. Made "friends" wherever I lived but not long term ones. Same as you when at work loads of contacts then all disappeared on leaving. Did make two long term friends in last job and continued after retiring. Sadly one died very suddenly during lockdown. Clubs eg choir, crafts are places I use for contacts but not really made any friends. Do enjoy the time I attend though.

Kandinsky I know exactly how you feel. My DH worked away most of our married life and my life was the kids and immediate family. We travelled about a bit when they were small so it was hard to stay in touch with our existing friends. It was Ok when the kids were at school but once I went back to work, those friends drifted away. I'm not good at pushing myself forward either, especially in already established groups where you are the 'outsider'. I have 2 great kids and grandkids and although we are very close, it is not the same. I do feel for you. I did like the suggestion of the YOURS magazine. Not sure of I would have the courage to try it though.

Kandinsky - take heart in knowing you are not alone! Your post has opened up a great discussion about this subject and how loneliness affects a lot of people. I think most people are content in their own worlds if their own needs are being met and don’t look outside that. I’m sure there must be others living near you who would love to be friends and are lonely themselves. It’s just that you don’t know who they are. Maybe post something in the local shop to suggest a friendship group and see what response there is? Check out some online sites like FriendsMatch. You will have a great insight and compassion for others having suffered yourself. Wishing you all the best.

I have no friends either kandinsky . I do have my DH and 2 adult children but no-one I can chat to, share worries and happiness with. I was a member of the WI but left last year as it became very cliquey. I'm 58 .

Join the U3A. I went a few times to test the water for my retirement and found the people there were really friendly.

I volunteer for two charities, one of which involves telephone contact with extremely vulnerable adults and their support networks. OH and myself are also available for various neighbours who regularly call on us for assistance in various forms. During lockdown guess which ones have actually asked if we're ok? Well, certainly not the neighbours who I've known for many years! Yet the other people I help always ask how we are. Seems this lockdown has brought out the worst in some folk.

I totally get how you're feeling. I'm 52 & 6 years ago had a mh breakdown & was quite poorly. I thought I had 3 really good friends & several people that cared but I was wrong. Seems mh might as well be the plague from the way people react & stay away! I actually found it very hurtful. I also developed inflammatory ra, fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue syndrome so that put paid to working. I live in a small town in Somerset, it's a small close I live in & I hoped the neighbours would be friendly but apart from the odd nod nothing (in fact my next door neighbour is as ignorant as can be)
I've tried finding local clubs, I've gone through the monthly mag that has all activities/clubs listed, I've joined the local fb page looking for things & searched the net. Unfortunately for the town I live in I fall into the wrong age bracket. Most people my age are working full time. If you are a mum with small children or of retirement age there is plenty to do but if your a middle age woman your on your own. I've contacted the WI & the UA3 but the youngest members seem to be around 70 & I would like to meet friends around my age group. All the suggested meet ups are miles from me & I don't drive. I joined a new book club which I was really excited about but unfortunately it fizzled out as the person who chose the books each month chose really boring old fashioned books! If anyone has any suggestions I would welcome them! ?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jillsewing Joining U3A isn't a magic doorway to making friends. I have been a member of our local U3A for several years. I chat, and try to be sociable. I joined various groups. and enjoy the company and activities. Although everyone is friendly, I have yet to make a friend who wants to socialise away from the group, though there are plenty of cliques.
I took a new member under my wing. about a year ago. She was newly widowed, and had moved to the area to live near her daughter. She doesn't drive, so I gave her lifts to meetings, took her around the area to 'show her the sights', and we went out for a meal and coffee a few times. We even shared a room on a U3A holiday, and got along well. When lockdown arrived I phoned to see how she was getting along, several times. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me, and I'm beginning to feel that she only wants me when I am useful to her.
I'm a fairly fit and active 81 year old widow, and I also feel that I have no close friends, only acquaintances. I enjoy my own company, but would like someone to socialise with occasionally. Perhaps one of you lives in the Wigan area, and would like to try a meet-up, when life permits.