Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

To those saying join your local church - I did that, volunteered to help out with record keeping, attended for several years - then I had to contact them to say I was unable to continue as I was unwell - I have heard nothing from any of my "friends" since.

Apart from my husband,daughter and her family I have only one friend left.Sadly my other friends have died,and I’m not that old,only 66!
I really miss my friends,especially one who died more than 20 years ago.We could tell each other anything, no judgements given,she was so very very special,but I’ve never found any replacements for any of my friends.
I am quite shy and others have said I’m not easy to get to know as I don’t give out much information.And I’m a listener rather than a talker.
Oh I miss my friends....

It might be worth looking at 'meetup' to find local groups, for those who want to put themselves "out there".
(I went to a meet up, but then found I'd been cast out of the group, which was something of a relief, to be honest)

Gosh! How sad some of these comments are. I only joined Gransnet yesterday and this is the first thread that I have read right through, and I am surprised by the comments some of those very lucky people have made, that I don't think are especially kind or fair. Maybe Kandinsky is shy, or lacks confidence, and I'm sure she never implied at all that she expected everyone else to search her out to be friends! I wonder how many sociable, outgoing people have been lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time when it comes to making friends? I live in an area where there are very few clubs etc, and I don't drive, and those few clubs or groups I could join, I can't because there is no suitable public transport . I have even made it known that if anyone is able to transport me, I would happily pay the petrol / drinks etc, but to no avail. I find I am getting less comfortable socially as I get older, in large part because of my lack of success. I have very little confidence in myself, yet I am not particularly shy. I have joined WI - I tried to talk to people at my first meeting, but it was cliquey with ladies who lived near each other and socialised outside WI, and I ended up giving up because I was so uncomfortable, spending the rest of the meeting sitting alone and no one even spoke to me! I joined a U3A bookclub, but no one really wants to do anything other than discuss the book then leave. Making friends is indeed a two-way thing, but you cannot assume Kandinsky hasn't already done more than her share of trying to start the ball rolling, but to no avail. And if she is shy, or has mental health issues, suggesting throwing a party is terrifying, even assuming she can afford to get in caterers, because in my experience, if you do your own catering, it can be very stressful, and the hostess spends all her time seeing to her guests, whilst everyone else is happily socialising - all that does is reinforce the loneliness! Incidentally, I have 5 children and a wonderful husband, so believed I didn't really need friends as I was a devoted homemaker! Oh how I learnt! Now all left home and have their own lives a distance away, and my husband is more than happy pottering round the house and doesn't wish to go out and be particularly sociable. I enjoy his company, and my own, but I would still like a good friend who could chat with me, support me, laugh with me, cry on her shoulder, share my joys, and vice versa, as an equal, not as a one-sided relationship or user. Whether you have family or not, I don't see it's relevant, when you are feeling lonely for a friend! And some people are clearly lucky to have a best friend they grew up with or had their babies at the same time, but again, I'm not lucky enough. My best friend at school was Chinese (I went to boarding school) and when we left school and she returned to China, our only communication was snail mail, and without any likelihood of ever seeing each other again, it eventually stopped. I got married and had children when I was young and the few friends I had were single and out night-clubbing, and when I became single again, everyone else seemed to be settling down and having children, then I moved,etc etc. I've even tried finding support groups for people in the same situation. I think the world is becoming too insular these days. When was the last time you saw neighbours chatting over the fence? Happened all the time back in the day, but now, everyone is just trying to survive the mad rush of modern life! Sorry, rant over!

I moved house when I retired and knew that I would have to start again where friendships were concerned. Do you remember Cathy and Clare from the Jackie magazine? I did a sort of problem page analysis on myself and wrote a list of everything I was even remotely interested in. From church to art and reading groups and volunteering on a helpline. After about a year I realised there was something every day which was too much and dropped a couple of things. The things I do now are enough to structure my week. Not everyone I see is a friend as such. Many will pretty much always be acquaintances but there are a few gems and I find I am included in people’s arrangements which is nice. I also plan things and do the running around so I am part of what is happening. I am widowed so evenings are often on my own but that’s when I volunteer or go to night school classes.
Don’t lose heart. Set yourself some easily achievable goals, there are lots of free/ cheap activities that you can take part in, like ramblers or choirs. Friendships come from shared interests. ?

Willow 73 That's a good idea. I don't see any reason why people can't publish the area where they live.

Kandinsky Yes the same for me.

If we are allowed to say which county we live in on here do you think it might start some friendships up?
We could then move on to any hobbies to see if anyone living near to us likes the same things?
What do you think?

Have you thought about joining U3A? There are plenty of groups in various towns and village. Within the local groups there are a number of different interest groups - for instance in our U3A there is family history, a golf group, book clubs, singing group, walking groups, antique collectibles, French, German, engineering heritage, various craft groups etc etc. People are free to start interest groups if they wish. Google your local town U3A and see what they do.

I think it's largely a matter of luck, whether you click with someone, no matter how smiley and outgoing you are.

My best friend for years I met when I went to peg some washing out, and another was originally a Facebook friend of my ex.

It's just the same as following advice to find a partner. Some do. Some don't meet the right one, ever.

You have to make an effort to join things and it is best on your own as you get accepted more readily. Be patient and let people come to you. Be friendly smile and it will come. This is a two way thing. In lockdown people were getting in touch but there was nothing much to say at first. Then one day I c ounted the amount of people that contacted me and was pleased at the outcome. Paths for all is a walking group that is a short walking programme with a cuppie after. Keep your chin up.

Jillsewing Joining U3A isn't a magic doorway to making friends. I have been a member of our local U3A for several years. I chat, and try to be sociable. I joined various groups. and enjoy the company and activities. Although everyone is friendly, I have yet to make a friend who wants to socialise away from the group, though there are plenty of cliques.
I took a new member under my wing. about a year ago. She was newly widowed, and had moved to the area to live near her daughter. She doesn't drive, so I gave her lifts to meetings, took her around the area to 'show her the sights', and we went out for a meal and coffee a few times. We even shared a room on a U3A holiday, and got along well. When lockdown arrived I phoned to see how she was getting along, several times. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me, and I'm beginning to feel that she only wants me when I am useful to her.
I'm a fairly fit and active 81 year old widow, and I also feel that I have no close friends, only acquaintances. I enjoy my own company, but would like someone to socialise with occasionally. Perhaps one of you lives in the Wigan area, and would like to try a meet-up, when life permits.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I totally get how you're feeling. I'm 52 & 6 years ago had a mh breakdown & was quite poorly. I thought I had 3 really good friends & several people that cared but I was wrong. Seems mh might as well be the plague from the way people react & stay away! I actually found it very hurtful. I also developed inflammatory ra, fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue syndrome so that put paid to working. I live in a small town in Somerset, it's a small close I live in & I hoped the neighbours would be friendly but apart from the odd nod nothing (in fact my next door neighbour is as ignorant as can be)
I've tried finding local clubs, I've gone through the monthly mag that has all activities/clubs listed, I've joined the local fb page looking for things & searched the net. Unfortunately for the town I live in I fall into the wrong age bracket. Most people my age are working full time. If you are a mum with small children or of retirement age there is plenty to do but if your a middle age woman your on your own. I've contacted the WI & the UA3 but the youngest members seem to be around 70 & I would like to meet friends around my age group. All the suggested meet ups are miles from me & I don't drive. I joined a new book club which I was really excited about but unfortunately it fizzled out as the person who chose the books each month chose really boring old fashioned books! If anyone has any suggestions I would welcome them! ?

I volunteer for two charities, one of which involves telephone contact with extremely vulnerable adults and their support networks. OH and myself are also available for various neighbours who regularly call on us for assistance in various forms. During lockdown guess which ones have actually asked if we're ok? Well, certainly not the neighbours who I've known for many years! Yet the other people I help always ask how we are. Seems this lockdown has brought out the worst in some folk.

Join the U3A. I went a few times to test the water for my retirement and found the people there were really friendly.

I have no friends either kandinsky . I do have my DH and 2 adult children but no-one I can chat to, share worries and happiness with. I was a member of the WI but left last year as it became very cliquey. I'm 58 .

Kandinsky - take heart in knowing you are not alone! Your post has opened up a great discussion about this subject and how loneliness affects a lot of people. I think most people are content in their own worlds if their own needs are being met and don’t look outside that. I’m sure there must be others living near you who would love to be friends and are lonely themselves. It’s just that you don’t know who they are. Maybe post something in the local shop to suggest a friendship group and see what response there is? Check out some online sites like FriendsMatch. You will have a great insight and compassion for others having suffered yourself. Wishing you all the best.

Kandinsky I know exactly how you feel. My DH worked away most of our married life and my life was the kids and immediate family. We travelled about a bit when they were small so it was hard to stay in touch with our existing friends. It was Ok when the kids were at school but once I went back to work, those friends drifted away. I'm not good at pushing myself forward either, especially in already established groups where you are the 'outsider'. I have 2 great kids and grandkids and although we are very close, it is not the same. I do feel for you. I did like the suggestion of the YOURS magazine. Not sure of I would have the courage to try it though.

I moved around a lot due to DHs job. Made "friends" wherever I lived but not long term ones. Same as you when at work loads of contacts then all disappeared on leaving. Did make two long term friends in last job and continued after retiring. Sadly one died very suddenly during lockdown. Clubs eg choir, crafts are places I use for contacts but not really made any friends. Do enjoy the time I attend though.

Kadinsky You say " I just have to accept that I am not particularly popular" it sounds like your inner voice telling you this. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. I know it is not always easy to make new friends. What about you and your Husband do you do things together as a couple, is he perhaps a little more outgoing than you. Start of small and see what happens but remember to always walk tall because you are as important as anyone else you meet out there.

I really have NO IDEA how a trivial chat In a coffee shop could blossom into friendship not one, but over and over again.
Illuminate please!! When I try to chat in an English shop it usually turns into a few strangled replies and then the person addressed gets out their phone or becomes fascinated by the inside of their bag.
Perhaps there is regional variation? People in the North often speak it's true, whereas it's the southern half of the country where people run a mile from being addressed.

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I have just read them all & really appreciate your support & encouragement.
I’m usually okay with life and everything it throws at me, and yes I am very fortunate to have a husband and family, but sometimes it would be lovely to meet a friend for a coffee and a chat. Lockdown has just highlighted that for me. But I will ‘get out there’ smile, & try my best.
Thank you again.

Kandinsky and others who feel the same, can you pluck up the courage to pick up the phone and call an acquaintance or two, just saying something along the lines of 'hi, how are you doing in these weird times, I've been feeling a bit in need of a friendly chat myself and thought I'd ring a few friends to see who else feels like a bit of telecon company'. You never know, someone might be really grateful for the call and the seeds of friendship are sown.

Kandinsky, I am so sorry to hear your problem, and you are certainly not too late to make friends.

I am considerably older than you, but am still in regular touch with friends made 50 years ago, rather more regularly since lockdown just to check on whether we are all still alive! Since none of us live near each other we have occasional reunions, sometimes rather sad a our numbers are decreasing! Similarly, I am still friends with ex-neighbours from three house moves. I am always a little uneasy about advice to join various groups as a way of finding friends. as you could find yourself moving into a clique and feel rejected. There are much simpler ways, and although they may sound trivial I have found since my husband died I have almost without trying made friends with some of the women I have met though casual conversations in coffee shops and others who I have met on my regular walks which is particularly easy if you are a dog lover and they have a dog!. I sm talking about friends not acquaintances although they are always welcome.

I know this may sound trivial but believe me it does work. Please try it. I am very happy with my own company, always have been, and I have a wonderful family and good neighbours but it is nice to know there are other people in my life. Don't give up, I'm sure it will all work out for you if you try.

Good luck and best wiches.