Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

For a long time I've thought, this virus is going to strike us at the heart of our human nature - to socialise.
I live in a previously close-knit community. At first we (about 10 of us) used to contact eachother by phone, and in person, about weekly. Now that has dwindled to hardly ever.
I use local bus service a lot and people were always chatting, but with mask wearing now it's limited.
Having said that, I often get a kind word from someone when I stop for a standup rest outside Tesco. Where they've closed off the sit-down rests.

Just a word about volunteering. I volunteered at a local school for 3 years.From the moment I rang the head to say I was self isolating as I was vulnerable, to now 8 months later, no one from there has ever bothered to find out how I am. I feel really valued Not

If you have a gym near you join it and do some classes.I did that and I have made lovelyfriends

When I am depressed I feel I have no friends, but like many other people it is going out and joining groups where I have made new friends. They are mostly acquaintances but over time you find people you get on with. You have to go up to people and say I am new can I join you. Sometimes you will meet with unfriendliness but rarely I have found. I try to find someone to go for a walk with every week and then you can chat about wildlife you can see. If you really think you are boring (which I expect is not true) ask them open questions about their children, or favourite holiday or hobby and that might start a conversation. Listening is easier than talking and most people will want a chat.

Bit of a late reply, Kandinsky, I am in the same position as you. Didn’t matter when I was working, work was all consuming. I struggled with retirement, made the effort to join a couple of groups, enjoyed the activities but nothing friendship wise developed. I also did some voluntary work in a school, really enjoyed it but people just turned up did the work then left. Seems that others have very well established friendship groups. I have always struggled to make friends & suffer from social anxiety which has got worse as I have got older. Before the first lockdown I was busy which helps with the loneliness, now all the groups have stopped it is difficult. I am trying to be accepting of this situation, at 63 I can’t see it changing.

Great post Kerry. I have only just discovered this forum so I may be over-posting today Looks like many people are in the same situation as the OP. I divorced years ago and lost many friends because of this. It’s hard to socialise with couples when you divorce and they are friends with both of you. I have a family and partner but it’s not the same as a close female friendship with someone of a similar age. I joined the WI but it wasn’t for me. At 58 I felt too young for that particular group and I felt awkward not knowing anyone. I like my own company but still miss the kind of close friendships I’ve had in the past.

Anyone who is feeling lonely please Google National Women's Register and see if there's a group near you. We meet informally in each others homes. No committe meetings to worry about. It's easier in a home (or as of recent times, garden /walk) situation to get to know someone who gradually becomes a friend. Please give NWR a try. I've belonged to two groups over the years, in different parts of the UK. Both equally welcoming.

I have had one person let me know where they live and we have started chatting any others out there in Hertfordshire?

I am too in a similar situation- I am in Surrey if anyone would like to connect with me.

When my husband died I joined a bereavement group and as a result have made several very good friends (we were all in the same boat), Thee were one of two people in the original group who didn't want to continue to meet after our initial six weeks but several of us have remained close. However there was a man who we didn't encourage to join us, and part of me feels badly about this, but the trouble was that he only wanted to talk about himself. He would tell long, almost interminable, stories about the bus not turning up on time or Co-op not having his brand of tea! After a few times we didn't ask him to join us any more, because we found we would all chat and giggle together and then it would all grind to a halt while this man told a story and yet he never asked any of us how we were doing! You have to be interested in other people to make friends, if you want them and many people are quite happy without.

I live in Hertfordshire, anyone out there?

Luckyoldbeethoven I used to belong to NWR in the '60's. A couple of years ago a friend introduced me to the group in my area. I immediately felt welcome, and although many of the women have been in the group for a long time, they are not cliquey. I joined the walking group, which is one of the groups within the group. During the walks the women change about so that I find myself chatting to several different people each time. Through NWR I have now made a good friend. We've been in touch all through lockdown. If anyone has a group near them I suggest giving it a try. My experience has been very good.

Welbeck, I find your post and your view on friendship quite sad, I have to disagree with you.

I have three close friends, certainly not acquaintences, who have supported me through bouts of serious illness and family problems, even more so during my shielding experience. I wouldn't have got through it without their kindness and support. We have known each other for over thirty years, when we met at the school gates. We work at our friendship, not sitting back and waiting for someone else to make the first move.
Our husbands are also friends and we have spent many enjoyable nights in each other's company.

The care and friendship is reciprocated and I try to show them that I care about them too and prop them up when they need support.
That's true friendship. We are not in it for what we can get from it.

not being rude, but since you have a husband and children, why would you expect/ want anyone else to care.
i think you are right, that no one else does really care.
most so-called friend don't really care anyway, not in any real personal interested way.
it's usually meeting for mutual entertainment value, or looking for some benefit, eg lifts, skills, tools, tasks, sharing expenses.
and i think some of us use the above activities to fill time to distract from the reality of not having anyone who really cares. esp if we do not have partner/ childer.
i think the word friend is often used where acquaintance is more accurate.
and longstandingness does no equal close friend. or even friend.

Where I live people seem to be either very friendly or they just don't speak to you at all. I think it's difficult to make new friends. My best friend I have known for 45 years. Friends at work are usually just that so I don't think there's an easy answer to meeting new people. It may have already been suggested but what about an exercise class.

That happened me to Alexa. A nice man I met at classes invited me to a party his wife was giving for her workers. I spoke to the man I was seated beside and he snapped, I'm married and turned away!

Luckyoldbeethoven - Sending u a PM.

I did try joining a reading group at the local library. All the ladies were friendly and nice and then I realised they all met up outside the group and went for coffee etc and I hadn’t once been invited. I felt really hurt and stopped going.

I fell out with the one sort of friend I had, and I feel 10stone lighter. I've decided that I'm happy with just a few ladies with shared interests to chat to on f /b

I had a dear friend who was loved by many. She did not have much money and decided to spend her small savings on a cruise while she was still young enough. She was accustomed to friendly people around her.

She sat down on a sofa beside a man in one of the public lounges and said something of a sociable nature to him. Without a word he rose and left.

Alexa I agree. I went to a women's group with a great facilitator who made sure everyone had a say, that no one took over and if someone was quiet we checked she was alright. It made the experience pleasant and felt equal and fair. I went there for years.

In a group situation [and I admit I struggle with these] without a facilitator more often than not the dominant personalities [queen bees] hold sway, quiet ones get ignored and some feel intimidated, ignored and irrelevant [dare I say, bullied] which doesn't help self esteem and self worth if someone is going through a difficult time. And can make it a lot worse of course.

To not be a 'group person' but to prefer one-to-one interaction makes finding a friend harder I suppose. probably a problem for many of us.

I met my best friend on the internet, 20 years ago. She now lives half a mile away from me. We found it easy to connect via webchat [a chat room for a certain interest], messaging online, emails and phone calls due to our personalities. ..before meeting in person. And have had a strong bond ever since. So pen pals or a website for friendship might work for some.

Sad to say I could recount many times I've been ignored and left out of a group situation. It's so rude and unkind so I feel for those who have felt hurt by this behaviour. I don't know why some people are so impolite and thoughtless.

I've been literally shrieked at by 2 women for sitting in someone's usual seat in a U3A group [philosophy, first time there, I was expecting a different sort of welcome!], talked down to when I mentioned a had a period of being on benefits when initially a single parent [psychology group], and ridiculed by 3 others when I did not contribute to a subject I knew nothing about and had no relevant opinion on...in a discussion group. I could go on.

I get that some people do find friends easily, get out and about and meet others. So do I. When I had my dog I would speak to many people on walks. But mention meeting up again, and be looked at as if you are a stalker. I'm not needy, I was an only child for 11 years and learnt to be happy with my own company, be resourceful and busy.

I get that many on here have decent, honest and mutually beneficial friendships where there is no agenda. I have just one [who is often very busy], but lucky in that way. In the past friends have drifted, moved away, remarried, died...or when I have needed a bit of support and understanding and wasn't able to perform in the way expected of me [due to a health problem], some have lost interest.

I lost one 'friend' when I inherited a fair sum of money...so jealous, she couldn't come to terms with it in the end, it chewed her up. Actually I would have rather had my mother back than the inheritance.

You only really know another person when there is a stressful situation...on either side. The true personality appears, often an unpleasant shock, sometimes a lovely one.

I've learnt now to enjoy the company of my married sons, daughters in law and 4 grandchildren instead, although it doesn't happen more than every 3-4 weeks or so. Nice people, great company and who [mostly] give a damn. But I'm lucky in that respect.

I identify with those on this thread who have difficulty finding true friends. I've been there, believe me...so awfully lonely, despairing of doing all the running, wondering what is wrong with me, working out what to do next. Just saying lots of us understand and know it's not easy to find a good friend or be without one.

I hope suggestions on this thread work for those looking for support and friendship, we all deserve it.

I suggest what is badly needed are social get togethers where there is a designated host or hostess whose job is to get people, even shy and awkward people, to circulate. The host or hostess would ideally be a skilled conversationalist who "Jean, I'd like you to meet Jan who had a rescue dog , "( can cook great pizzas: had her baby as a teenager: had to go to accident and emergency last week: loves her home city of Edinburgh : et cetera).

At such get togethers it is actually bad manners to form cliques and the good host will ensure this does not happen.

Incredibly hurtful art story indeed. But all art groups aren't like that. I live in an area of NI that is full of arty people and believe me we are definitely not like that. We are welcoming considerate inclusive friendly and laugh a lot. (Coffee time is very important )
A lot is down to luck.

J have however found U3A very cliquey.

I agree with bluebird completely! Like I said, I’m not particularly shy and I get along with most people well, whether they’re neighbours, work colleagues, etc. I talk to people wherever I go, but it never goes any further, and like Kandinsky said, you don’t want to come over needy or pushy, or it seems weird!
I once joined a bookclub which advertised for new members. It was within walking distance, so I was really pleased. About 8 of us turned up, but turned out the original members were all friends and were so cliquey that within 3 meetings, I was the only new member left. At the next meeting, I arrived but no-one was in the room usually booked at the pub, so I asked at the bar if it had been cancelled without me knowing. However, they’d booked a different room for half an hour earlier, so that they could all have a meal. They had my contact details, I would have happily joined them. But I went in, was offered a seat, and whilst they continued their meal, the book , and an event they had all recently attended together, was discussed. I curled up with embarrassment and found it so excruciatingly uncomfortable, I never went back. What really angered me was that it didn’t appear that any one of them thought that this was unkind/cruel or unacceptable. If I had more confidence, I would have given them a piece of my mind! If I had been one of them, I couldn’t have been a part of that, and would have to have been apologetic and tried to make the ‘outsider’ feel comfortable and wanted. ‘Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to yourself’ is my motto.
KaEllen – I don’t drive, but my husband does. However, he is a music teacher, and often works part of the evenings, so he can usually get me one way, but not the other. And I work 3 days per week, and as is Sod’s Law, if a group comes to my notice during the day, when my wonderful husband will drive me to and fro whenever I want (he’s mostly retired, so has a lot of the daytimes free), it’ll be on my work day!
Doesn’t stop me from keeping a lookout for new activities I can join though, and it hasn’t knocked my confidence further, I’m just wary and starting to realise not all people are kind or unselfish!