Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

I am the same. I am almost 62 and moved many times over the years with lots of promises from people to stay in touch. It has always been a one way thing - me doing the contacting or visiting or I don't see or hear from anyone.

This lockdown has shown just how few friends I do have. I know people, but they aren't friends. When I am in work my hours are such that they don't allow time for clubs etc due to me finishing work very late.

I am incredibly lonely and this lockdown has really affected my mental health. I am divorced with adult children, but it doesn't stop the loneliness.

What an odd attitude?
You’re only 57!
How much effort do YOU put into your friendships?
Did you visit anyone to drop off a cake or call them on the off chance to ask how they’re doing?

I moved to a new country when I was 50 and apart from my husband and son, I didn’t know anyone. It was an adventure. Our house in the UK was sold, stuff went into storage and we hired a holiday cottage for 2 weeks to have a look around. We’d visited the country on holiday but not this area.

Since then, we bought a house and I’ve made loads of new friends. Some who are parents of kids my son’s age and some much older.

Do you ever throw parties? We host an annual NY day party. We invite the neighbours and some friends. We’d normally host a garden party in the summer, but we’re obviously not going to do that this year.

You have to be the one making the effort.

I'm with you Rosalyn

Hmm. I already knew that I only have two friends, one of whom lives two hours away. Then there’s my husband and son.
But I’m not lonely. If you’re lonely then it must be really Hard particularly if like me you’re not a “joiner”. I just find people such hard work I go home with a headache.

Join a couple of clubs or groups or treat yourself to a community education class, such as art, pottery etc. Choose something you would like best and you will meet like-minded people. Stay in touch with people and give your own life priority.

Friends are like plants. They need watering and plenty of attention or they die. On the other hand, like plants, you can nurture new ones and as long as you don't neglect them entirely, they will repay you 10 fold. That reminds me I promised I would make a face mask for a friend who can't find one comfortable enough to wear.

donna1964's idea has potential - especially as people on here may well have things in common and probably don't live near each other.

I agree with many posts that it is important to get out there and make an effort and that it is very important not to appear "needy" as that puts people off. I have also found that one "group" I belong to run off in their separate ways as soon as the meeting is over.

Kandinsky - I will PM you later today.

I understand loneliness. I have several friends but the lockdown has brought an end to getting together. Even the ladies church group I belong to doesn’t meet because of the virus. I also get lonely. I’m single and have talked about selling the big house and moving to a condo where I might meet more people but that seems extreme and people are not going out so even that sounds impossible.

I don't know if you are still working, but if you are not 'full time waged' you fit the criteria to join U3A. Ours is not functioning during lockdown, but it gives you time to find out about your local group. We (normally) have a monthly meeting with a speaker, and there dozens of interest groups to join, from choir to scrabble, yoga to amblers, language groups, art, creative writing etc. All are very friendly and welcoming. Ot would be ideal for you.

I probably only have one person I would call a friend. She is an ex-work colleague and we were very close. We still keep in touch and have had meals out together (before lockdown). She, in turn, has a huge amount of friends. She is divorced and has different groups of friends that she holidays with and socialises with. She has asked me to join some of the groups on occasion but to be honest I don’t want to - my choice.

I have a partner, but as an only child, no siblings. I only have two cousins and they both live in Scotland so I never see them. My partner’s eldest daughter is only 10 years younger than me and I consider her a “friend” as well as a stepdaughter as we have a lot in common. I’m very close to his other daughter as well. However, I love my own company and don’t need anyone else. I look out for my elderly neighbour and I consider her a close contact but not really a friend as such. I’ve always had “work friends” having worked 44 years before I recently retired but like Maw pointed out, they were work colleagues rather than actual friends. Yes, we did socialise on occasion but once the work connection is gone you realise that was all you had in common.

However, like others have said, if you want friendship you have to seek it out and try new things - clubs, rambling association etc. Chat to people you meet in the supermarket (maybe not now of course because of social distancing) and smile at people. I seem to attract all sorts of people to me because I smile a lot!

By the way, the only people who have contacted me during lock down have been my close friend and my lovely stepdaughters. Not everybody needs a large group of friends. You have a partner and children, a lot of people would envy you that. Take care.

Having friends works both ways - you also have to make contact. You are not alone as you have a husband and children whilst there are some who have nobody. Sorry to sound harsh but just try making one phone call each day to somebody different - they might be glad to hear from you.

Kandinsky
I agree but you have a family a lot of us none but before lockdown I belonged to lots of groups and even though I have sent messages few replies and of course disappointing birthday one solitary card so now I accept I have acquaintances and I am thankful that I love indoor hobbies at least you are not hurt as expect nothing

It is difficult - if there was a Group near Weybridge or Walton, I’d love to join it.

You are not too old to make new friends! Or nurture some acquaintences and make them friends. It's a matter of getting out there, or getting online and taking risks and putting some effort in. I moved at 62 and have made lot's of new friends over the last few years, many from online groups like 'Nextdoor' where we organized coffee meeting in local cafes and walks etc. 'Walking for Health' or Ramblers may run in your area, loads of opportunity to meet new people and chat on a regular basis, and you can always go for a cuppa after the walk. Good luck! It's going to be harder over the difficult CV period, but outdoor things will be starting up again soon and I'm sure there are loads of people desparate to get out and meet new people somewhere safe like the local parks and walks.

I certainly dont think you are on your own. My first thought was that during lock down because you have a partner and family people assumed you were fine.
It can be very difficult if you are shy/ introverted. I worked in the same workplace for nearly 25 years and had a solid social circle. About 4 years ago there was a tremendous argument and someone behaved very horribly and unfairly towards me. She behaved in a very catty and playground way and I was genuinely worried I would lose my social group. I joined MeetUp and met some nice people but did find it could be quite cliquey amongst those that had been in group a while. I think this will often be the case in groups that have already formed. In the past four years my friendship group has realigned and all is fine with a few losses. I have one lady I'm in touch with from MeetUp, at the moment mainly via social media. Friendship that is genuine rather than acquaintances is quite a rare thing and in some ways almost a matter of luck,being in the right place at the right time and being lucky enough to really connect with someone. I have a small group of friends who been there historically. I met a lovely lady on a solo holiday and we kept in touch. Extending your social circle is hard. I think you have to be very honest with yourself. You have said you can be needy. Visualise social situations
How do you behave ? Are there any small changes you can make? I can appear quite outgoing with people I know but in more unfamiliar group be quite reserved initially. At social gatherings I would stick to the same small group. I made myself chat to people I didnt know well. Theres lots of advice online. Have a look,have a think. Most importantly realise you are not alone. I'm two years older than you. Friendships are formed so much more easily when younger,we almost dont even think about it. It is harder when older but not impossible.

I do . At 64 I feel exactly the same, and yes I have tried contacting others but no one seems to return the favour.

Someone once said "To have a friend you need to be a friend".
It's a two way thing.

I have just read all of these posts and there are quite a few people on here in the same boat as you Kandinsky...so why not start a friendship group on here?? It just takes one of you to start it off...you could all speak and telephone on WhatsApp which would be good for all of you. But, you all need to make the effort with each other to keep in touch and not leave it down to one person always making the contact...that would not be fair.

Me too. I have discovered through this time I don5 mind my own company, yes it would be nice to have a cuppa and chat with someone. I also have husband and children
I have tried, I have an invisible illness so some activity’s are out and I get tired so I am restricted

I have done all the things GNs are recommending, volunteering, joining clubs, church etc. etc. etc. However, I have found that whilst people are friendly enough during the meetings or whatever, I am never invited when they are making arrangements to meet for coffee or lunch - even when I am standing right next to them, I did once ask if I could join them but was told there wouldn't be room.

I have come to the conclusion that as I have no children and therefore no grandchildren I am considered an outsider.

I think some of the posts saying be a friend are a little unkind. I've gone down that route and my goodness, you pick up users if you're not careful.

I befriended someone here (southwest) when we moved, we went for walks and coffee and I listened. I lent her gardening tools, she left the area without even letting me know. I didn't get the tools back either.

Kandinsky I feel sad reading your post, firstly when you leave work as I did many years ago I found it was a two way thing, at first colleagues and friends from work would text to meet up etc but as the months years go by it’s really a two way thing you have to keep it going, as some will get the idea that you are no longer interested in their company, I found though that once you leave a place of work the others move on and tend to just keep in contact with each other, when you go out with them it’s a lot of talk about their workplace,and as you are not working there anymore you can’t really join in, I found I went into another direction and did my own thing with other like minded people who were retired, did more with the family, I still keep in touch with some work friends but my life is different now, never feel lonely don’t have time, you are certainly not too old to make new friends, far from it, but with this covid buisness going on it is difficult at the moment,

There is much to be said for making friends via Skype. A lot of non native speakers are anxious to practise their English. I began with mylanguageexchange.com, practising my schoolgirl French, but soon moved on to starting a language from scratch. I now have one hour chats (mostly in English) several nights a week with younger, lively educated people who treat me as a wise older mentor and care desperately about my well-being. This has been profoundly comforting to me during lockdown. I just love teaching the finer points of advanced English, and I have been able to travel to visit them too.

I’m very fortunate to have long term friends since school days and teenage years and they’ve been absolute rocks for me over the years. Some people just get swept along with a husband, kids etc and don’t hold on to friends. But as others say, it’s never too late. You can join clubs, women’s groups, local on line groups to see if anyone else is in a similar situation ..... it’s just taking that step. Also the friends you say that don’t contact you, what about telling them how you feel, a bit isolated etc

Friendship works both ways - have you bothered to contact anyone ? Or do you assume that it is everyone else's job to do the running around ? How do you expect people to know what you are thinking if you don't tell them ?
At least you have a husband and family, many don't even have that.
Contact Age Concern and see if they need anyone to make contact phone calls to people living on their own or if you are able, many towns and villages have formed Covid19 volunteer groups that do things such as deliver food parcels etc to local people. It may well be the first step to making new friends in a different group of people that you wouldn't have before. Charity shops are opening again - they might need help. Just a couple of suggestions for you to step out , make new friends, but contact your old ones - they will no doubt be glad to hear from you as you can now actually leave your home and meet up with people outside your home.