Lockdown has made me realise I have absolutely no friends.

Almost same with me, OP. I don't feel offended or bad though, I know those people I used to communicate quite fine with are consumed by their own problems and lives, so I'm fine with no one asking how I was. It's sad, though, if you really expected your friends to be friends and they decided not to.

That’s nonsense that you think that at 57 you can’t make new friends. I’m 62 and met a wonderful friend a couple of years ago. I’ve also made friends with people who I’ve met whilst walking the dog. You just need to smile at people and maybe initiate a conversation. It might lead somewhere..,,,

dproff I have p.m’d you.

I have always said that if you don't bother contacting people why should they contact you. Friendship is a two way street, both have to give the same amount. Pluck up courage and make a few calls, you may be pleasantly surprised at the response and just take it from there.

Well I read this thread yesterday and thought to myself that it could have me writing the OP !
So I lifted the phone and rang a few people , one call lasted 45 minutes , so I guess I do have friends , I just had to make the first move !
Mind you , one chatted for ages , thanked me profusely for calling , said I was very kind and ended by telling me SHE would call me next time ........ in a few weeks ?

Sorry but I think it’s sad to read ‘I was always contacting them’ and then deciding to stop (even though they had said meeting up was fun!)

Cutting of your nose to spite your face comes to mind. Why keep a tally? It’s not a competition!

If only life were that simple maggie
I have a lot of friends but I have realised through the lockdown that I am the doer, I set up two messenger groups when we had lock down so we could all keep in touch and boost each other up, but what I ve realised is no ones really interested and unless I post a message no one bothers and even when I do no one asks if I m ok It’s not that they are unkind but obviously don’t need the contact, so I ve just stopped bothering, the groups are still open to contact each other, but I feel it’s all a bit trite now as they are devoid of comments unless I initiate
I have two good friends of 35+ years who do care about me so I am lucky but it’s very very hard to make genuine friends, even for younger people
Clubs, groups, u3A are in my opinion extremely difficult to penetrate they are cliquey, there’s no getting away from it
I joined an art group a year or two back and it was so bad the injokes that purposely leave you out, the remarks that make you an outsider, and the best bit was the group teacher /leader had set the desks out with names on them and the cliquey group changed all the names round so they were altogether and I was left out on an end bit, I couldn’t wait to get home.
Although I live in a good sized town there is no ‘meet up’ group and now there are no evening classes at the local college that’s where I have made some friends in the past (long time moved away)
The trouble is when you live on your own going out becomes hard and the less you go out the harder it becomes I have definitely seen my life shrink

I moved here 5 years ago and one of my school friends lives just down the road.She is always busy with family etc but always wants to meet for a coffee or walk when she has time. The thing that surprises me is that she has introduced me to so many of her friends and sometimes they come for coffee too. However they don't include me in the chat and if I meet them when I am out they seem to have little idea of my name or circumstances. I find that rude as I like to remember the names of people and their families.

Bluebelle that's an incredibly hurtful story about the art group. I do wonder about what art does to people as I've found people in such groups very pretentious and seemingly judgmental. I can't think of any other reason for their obvious cliqueyness.
Has anyone tried the NWR, National Women's Register? It's been recommended to me but I've never got around to trying.
I wonder if those who make friends in cafes or on dog walks either have a different definition of friendship or have some way about them that others of us lack? I do have red hair and I sometimes think that brings out prejudice in England. Who knows, off to muse about something else!

When the lockdown finishes your local library may have information about local groups. I run a Shared Reading every week for a small group of about 6 people. We meet every week in a local library and I read a short story to them. They have their own copies of the story and read it at the same time. It opens up so many avenues for chatting about the story and how it relates to them. And I get so much out of the group and reading the stories. This is the thing that I have missed the most during the crisis. And the group becomes friends and they even meet up at the library when I'm away for some reason so the friendship continues.
There may be something like that where you live.
I do feel for you and some of the comments have had been reeling in disbelief. Just because you have a husband and children should not mean you don't need friends. To have interests outside your home can help make you into a different person.
I wish you well (flowers)

Have you tried penfriends as a starting point? A lot of people feel cut off during lockdown and old fashioned letters can be something to look forward to . Just a thought.

I agree with bluebird completely! Like I said, I’m not particularly shy and I get along with most people well, whether they’re neighbours, work colleagues, etc. I talk to people wherever I go, but it never goes any further, and like Kandinsky said, you don’t want to come over needy or pushy, or it seems weird!
I once joined a bookclub which advertised for new members. It was within walking distance, so I was really pleased. About 8 of us turned up, but turned out the original members were all friends and were so cliquey that within 3 meetings, I was the only new member left. At the next meeting, I arrived but no-one was in the room usually booked at the pub, so I asked at the bar if it had been cancelled without me knowing. However, they’d booked a different room for half an hour earlier, so that they could all have a meal. They had my contact details, I would have happily joined them. But I went in, was offered a seat, and whilst they continued their meal, the book , and an event they had all recently attended together, was discussed. I curled up with embarrassment and found it so excruciatingly uncomfortable, I never went back. What really angered me was that it didn’t appear that any one of them thought that this was unkind/cruel or unacceptable. If I had more confidence, I would have given them a piece of my mind! If I had been one of them, I couldn’t have been a part of that, and would have to have been apologetic and tried to make the ‘outsider’ feel comfortable and wanted. ‘Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to yourself’ is my motto.
KaEllen – I don’t drive, but my husband does. However, he is a music teacher, and often works part of the evenings, so he can usually get me one way, but not the other. And I work 3 days per week, and as is Sod’s Law, if a group comes to my notice during the day, when my wonderful husband will drive me to and fro whenever I want (he’s mostly retired, so has a lot of the daytimes free), it’ll be on my work day!
Doesn’t stop me from keeping a lookout for new activities I can join though, and it hasn’t knocked my confidence further, I’m just wary and starting to realise not all people are kind or unselfish!

Incredibly hurtful art story indeed. But all art groups aren't like that. I live in an area of NI that is full of arty people and believe me we are definitely not like that. We are welcoming considerate inclusive friendly and laugh a lot. (Coffee time is very important )
A lot is down to luck.

J have however found U3A very cliquey.

I suggest what is badly needed are social get togethers where there is a designated host or hostess whose job is to get people, even shy and awkward people, to circulate. The host or hostess would ideally be a skilled conversationalist who "Jean, I'd like you to meet Jan who had a rescue dog , "( can cook great pizzas: had her baby as a teenager: had to go to accident and emergency last week: loves her home city of Edinburgh : et cetera).

At such get togethers it is actually bad manners to form cliques and the good host will ensure this does not happen.

Sad to say I could recount many times I've been ignored and left out of a group situation. It's so rude and unkind so I feel for those who have felt hurt by this behaviour. I don't know why some people are so impolite and thoughtless.

I've been literally shrieked at by 2 women for sitting in someone's usual seat in a U3A group [philosophy, first time there, I was expecting a different sort of welcome!], talked down to when I mentioned a had a period of being on benefits when initially a single parent [psychology group], and ridiculed by 3 others when I did not contribute to a subject I knew nothing about and had no relevant opinion on...in a discussion group. I could go on.

I get that some people do find friends easily, get out and about and meet others. So do I. When I had my dog I would speak to many people on walks. But mention meeting up again, and be looked at as if you are a stalker. I'm not needy, I was an only child for 11 years and learnt to be happy with my own company, be resourceful and busy.

I get that many on here have decent, honest and mutually beneficial friendships where there is no agenda. I have just one [who is often very busy], but lucky in that way. In the past friends have drifted, moved away, remarried, died...or when I have needed a bit of support and understanding and wasn't able to perform in the way expected of me [due to a health problem], some have lost interest.

I lost one 'friend' when I inherited a fair sum of money...so jealous, she couldn't come to terms with it in the end, it chewed her up. Actually I would have rather had my mother back than the inheritance.

You only really know another person when there is a stressful situation...on either side. The true personality appears, often an unpleasant shock, sometimes a lovely one.

I've learnt now to enjoy the company of my married sons, daughters in law and 4 grandchildren instead, although it doesn't happen more than every 3-4 weeks or so. Nice people, great company and who [mostly] give a damn. But I'm lucky in that respect.

I identify with those on this thread who have difficulty finding true friends. I've been there, believe me...so awfully lonely, despairing of doing all the running, wondering what is wrong with me, working out what to do next. Just saying lots of us understand and know it's not easy to find a good friend or be without one.

I hope suggestions on this thread work for those looking for support and friendship, we all deserve it.

Alexa I agree. I went to a women's group with a great facilitator who made sure everyone had a say, that no one took over and if someone was quiet we checked she was alright. It made the experience pleasant and felt equal and fair. I went there for years.

In a group situation [and I admit I struggle with these] without a facilitator more often than not the dominant personalities [queen bees] hold sway, quiet ones get ignored and some feel intimidated, ignored and irrelevant [dare I say, bullied] which doesn't help self esteem and self worth if someone is going through a difficult time. And can make it a lot worse of course.

To not be a 'group person' but to prefer one-to-one interaction makes finding a friend harder I suppose. probably a problem for many of us.

I met my best friend on the internet, 20 years ago. She now lives half a mile away from me. We found it easy to connect via webchat [a chat room for a certain interest], messaging online, emails and phone calls due to our personalities. ..before meeting in person. And have had a strong bond ever since. So pen pals or a website for friendship might work for some.

I had a dear friend who was loved by many. She did not have much money and decided to spend her small savings on a cruise while she was still young enough. She was accustomed to friendly people around her.

She sat down on a sofa beside a man in one of the public lounges and said something of a sociable nature to him. Without a word he rose and left.

I fell out with the one sort of friend I had, and I feel 10stone lighter. I've decided that I'm happy with just a few ladies with shared interests to chat to on f /b

I did try joining a reading group at the local library. All the ladies were friendly and nice and then I realised they all met up outside the group and went for coffee etc and I hadn’t once been invited. I felt really hurt and stopped going.

Luckyoldbeethoven - Sending u a PM.

That happened me to Alexa. A nice man I met at classes invited me to a party his wife was giving for her workers. I spoke to the man I was seated beside and he snapped, I'm married and turned away!

Where I live people seem to be either very friendly or they just don't speak to you at all. I think it's difficult to make new friends. My best friend I have known for 45 years. Friends at work are usually just that so I don't think there's an easy answer to meeting new people. It may have already been suggested but what about an exercise class.

not being rude, but since you have a husband and children, why would you expect/ want anyone else to care.
i think you are right, that no one else does really care.
most so-called friend don't really care anyway, not in any real personal interested way.
it's usually meeting for mutual entertainment value, or looking for some benefit, eg lifts, skills, tools, tasks, sharing expenses.
and i think some of us use the above activities to fill time to distract from the reality of not having anyone who really cares. esp if we do not have partner/ childer.
i think the word friend is often used where acquaintance is more accurate.
and longstandingness does no equal close friend. or even friend.

Welbeck, I find your post and your view on friendship quite sad, I have to disagree with you.

I have three close friends, certainly not acquaintences, who have supported me through bouts of serious illness and family problems, even more so during my shielding experience. I wouldn't have got through it without their kindness and support. We have known each other for over thirty years, when we met at the school gates. We work at our friendship, not sitting back and waiting for someone else to make the first move.
Our husbands are also friends and we have spent many enjoyable nights in each other's company.

The care and friendship is reciprocated and I try to show them that I care about them too and prop them up when they need support.
That's true friendship. We are not in it for what we can get from it.

Luckyoldbeethoven I used to belong to NWR in the '60's. A couple of years ago a friend introduced me to the group in my area. I immediately felt welcome, and although many of the women have been in the group for a long time, they are not cliquey. I joined the walking group, which is one of the groups within the group. During the walks the women change about so that I find myself chatting to several different people each time. Through NWR I have now made a good friend. We've been in touch all through lockdown. If anyone has a group near them I suggest giving it a try. My experience has been very good.