a sensitive question....but i am interested.

This thought has come into my head lately with age it's inevitable, then you hear of so many who lost their partner. The thought is devastating but I guess we'll just have to cope like everybody else. In the mean we make the most of it.

You can and do cope.
It is 16 months now since my H of 60 years died but I had lost him a few years before thst when he developed dementia.
I put on a very good face now although lockdown has helped with that as I see very few people.
Noone wants to see grief, they are happier and relax more if you don't show it, so, as the saying goes I give the people what they want.
It doesn't diminish my loss or my feelings

No one knows how grief will take them until it happens to them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I won't know because to all intents and purposes, I'm single now.

My grandparents however. My granny died at 70, suddenly. They were a very 'together' couple. Worked together (even at that age they worked). Did everything together My poor grandad fell apart. His life was empty without her. He very quickly remarried an awful woman. He never complained and never said a word against her, but after 7 or 8 years, when most of his grieving for my granny was done, he said just once to me that he shouldn't have remarried. He was a good man though, unlike his son (my father) and stuck to his commitment until death.

I think of it like an amputation.
You learn to limp, or cope with the crutches and as people see you hirpling along they think you’re coping.
But you are never whole again.
And like “phantom limb pain”, despite the fact that the initial grief which had you howling like a dog at the moon has abated, it still bloody hurts.

Sorry for all those who have lost a loved one. But Markettat, how do you get over the loss of your beloved 30 year old son? Losing a child must be to saddest loss ever ? ?

I was widowed over ten years ago and it impacts on my life in every way. Every single decision I make, big or small, is up to me as I can't run it past a partner. It doesn't matter what it is - whether it's the weekly shop or a choice of wallpaper and everything in between - it's all up to me, all of it, not some of it. This can weigh heavy at times.
There are small compensations - I could eat cake for breakfast if I so choose.
I made the decision to 'be happy' as he wouldn't want me to be miserable. I muddle along and try to enjoy life in my small modest way.

Amn old friend of mine died a couple of years ago . We had left the town where we all lived but I heard from other friends her husband had never looked happier than he did after she died. He organised his 70th birthday party and not long after took up with a new lady whom they had known for years. I cannot believe he was having a relationship with the lady before he lost his wife as the were both keen churchgoers . To me it did not make sense at all but it happened.

Yes, doing nothing together was once a shared pleasure-

Thinking about one being gone is significantly different than them actually being gone- I've experienced both- It's not at all like I imagined-

Ever since he died I feel like I left the iron on and forgot to turn it off- It's not constant, it ebbs and flows- Sometimes at the forefront of my thoughts and sometimes at the back of my mind-

Losing a spouse is considered to be the most stressful thing that can happen to a person as defined on a stress scale. (Not to in any way diminish the stress of losing a child and my condolences to those who have had this experience.) It's often recommended that a person not make any major decisions for at least a YEAR after the death of a spouse.

I ignored that advice and quit my job straight away and that was the best decision I ever made.
I listened to that advice and was persuaded to stay in the same house and that was the worst thing I could have done.

Advice from other people is, always about what they think is best!

My sister lost her husband last year and to all intents and purposes she coped extremely well with it. I've never seen her cry over her loss. I'm sure however that in private things are different.

CrazyH. The answer to your question is, you don’t ever get over the loss of your child. 18 months feels like no time at all. The first year I was in a complete daze, nothing made any sense, don’t know how I’ve got here and still living. Every day is challenging, I miss him and will for the rest of my days. It’s an incredibly lonely journey because nobody can take away your pain. Thank you for the question, I have people very close to me who think I should be “over it” by now. ?

Marketkat you don’t get over the loss but over time you learn how to live with it. After my son died my daughter ran in the London Marathon to raise Money for Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Because it was his charity it ‘gave us permission’ to do things and I recommend fund raising as good therapy. I then spent 4 years in limbo reliving every night the terrible effects of the wrong drugs he received in hospital, so that I could tell it at the coroner’s court.
That was 15 years ago and I have found peace. I hope that you too in time will find peace and remember the happy times with your son without the dreadful raw pain constantly being there to rip you apart. Lots of hugs xx

Meerkat you never get over losing a child because you lose a part of yourself . I’m still learning to live with it 36 years later. In my opinion no spouse can matter more but I admit I did not have a happy marriage ( divorced now)

Illte

I ignored that advice and quit my job straight away and that was the best decision I ever made.
I listened to that advice and was persuaded to stay in the same house and that was the worst thing I could have done.

Advice from other people is, always about what they think is best!

I did the same- I remained in the same house and feel it was a HUGE mistake- Granted such advice given to widows doesn't factor in pandemics-

But as a result of following advice I cannot budge, I'm hemmed in by the current housing market-

I'm beginning to truly think the usual advice given to widows needs to be revised!!!

For many people it may release them to live the way they want to and not the way they have been made to throughout their lives. It is hard - you may not have had children and subsequently grandchildren without your OH but you might have had a different relationship with parents, siblings etc.