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Will I ever be able to just think of me?

(35 Posts)
Skysearcher36 Thu 20-Aug-20 09:39:59

I am a 66 year old still working as a chef full time. I recently became elligible for my State Pension (don't have a private one-never could afford it) My problem is I am currently financially supporting my daughter and son. My daughter lives with me but my son is struggling due to problems getting furloughed. He desperately wants to return to work. I just feel weighed down by it all as I would love to leave my job . Work has become too hard as I have 2 significant health problems. I'm finding it hard to see an end to all this.

MissAdventure Thu 20-Aug-20 10:43:39

How old is your daughter, and what work does your son usually do?
I'm wondering why you are supporting them both as your son would have been getting 80 percent of his wages?

timetogo2016 Thu 20-Aug-20 12:16:35

It`s up to you what you do,you have raised them and i think it`s time they stood on their own two feet and grow up.
This is your life so take it back and stop giving yourself to them.
The more you do,the more they will let you.

Susan56 Thu 20-Aug-20 12:21:44

I think you need to stop financially supporting your son and daughter.I don’t think it does our adult children any good if they think every time they need anything they can come to us.When we are no longer here they will have no idea of how to stand on their own two feet.If there was an emergency I would help my children straight away but for them to be financially dependent on you isn’t doing them any good

You could put a time limit on it.Maybe say I will be retiring in six months time so will no longer be able to support you?

sodapop Thu 20-Aug-20 12:25:51

I have to agree with timetogo It's time to get your life back, talk to your children and put time scales in place for them to sort themselves out and stick to it. You have done enough now and need to consider your own health.

Doodledog Thu 20-Aug-20 12:28:00

I think the son had problems getting furloughed, so presumably has no income?

What would you like to do, Skysearcher? At 66, you have more than earned the right to retire if you want to, and shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. Do your son and daughter get benefits or other income? Is your daughter able to work?

Either way, as adults they should be supporting themselves, even if you help out now and then when they need it.

I know we never stop being mothers, and always want to help our children, but I can't help thinking that it's time for you now.

Maybe give your daughter a deadline by which she needs to find a job and contribute to your budget, or find somewhere of her own to live (whichever would work best for you).

Do you have a partner living with you? Are they contributing financially, or is all the responsibility yours? It doesn't seem fair that you should be propping up so many people, particularly as you have health issues. I think it's time for some straight talking, but you need to be prepared to stick to your guns.

Doodledog Thu 20-Aug-20 12:29:12

There was one reply when I started typing, and now there are several before mine grin. Sorry if I have repeated what others have said - I must type faster.

FarNorth Thu 20-Aug-20 12:45:42

Stating a timescale is a good idea.

OP's son has had difficulty getting furlough payment - it doesn't happen as automatically for everyone as people might hope and he may get nothing at all - and as he has a job, he won't get benefits either.
The benefits system, in any case, seems designed to obstruct and is now under even more pressure from increased numbers of people who are out of work.

MissAdventure Thu 20-Aug-20 12:58:50

Then he should be sorting it out himself.
The CAB online has lots of info on what to do if you're having issues with furlough payments, and benefits.

sodapop Thu 20-Aug-20 15:52:09

I have that problem as well Doodledog smile

welbeck Thu 20-Aug-20 15:57:19

why are you financially supporting yr daughter.

Daisymae Thu 20-Aug-20 18:33:14

You need to sit down and tell them that financial support is going to end, basically tell them what you have written in your post. Then stop. Time to look after yourself. No doubt there will be gnashing of teeth but they are grown up and life is difficult.

FlexibleFriend Thu 20-Aug-20 19:56:02

If your son has money troubles because of covid he should apply for universal credit. I know it's hard, I helped out my son and his wife for the same reason but I just bought all their food on my credit card so I can pay it back in chunks as and when. You don't say why you're also supporting your daughter, isn't it enough that your housing her? She should be paying you whatever the reason she's living with you surely she has some form of income.

JuneRose Thu 20-Aug-20 22:15:16

I agree with the others. Giving them some notice that you intend to retire and will be on a tight budget so will no longer be able to help them out as much as you have been.

I hope it works out for you.

NotSpaghetti Fri 21-Aug-20 08:17:16

What does problems getting furloughed mean, please?

And why is your daughter still dependent? Is she young?

NotSpaghetti Fri 21-Aug-20 08:19:27

Sorry, welbeck, you asked about the daughter.

Oopsadaisy4 Fri 21-Aug-20 08:32:01

I can only go by what we did, when DD knew he was going to retire this year we told the ACs Back in January that it would mean an end to the ‘bank of Dad’ .
It gave them 6 months to sort out their finances.

Of course if there is an emergency they know that they can come to us, but they will need to Actually prove that they need our help, whereas in the past we would give them the money.

I think Skysearcher that you have done your bit and unless your ACs are ill and unable to work, it’s time for you to look after yourself for a change.

If you became too ill to work they would have to do it wouldnt they?

Coconut Fri 21-Aug-20 10:16:03

Tough love is needed here, you mention health issues, so what happens if this deteriorates ? I agree with others, give both a time scale to sort themselves out and stick to it. You are enabling them to be reliant on you the longer it continues.... now is the time for you to be a bit selfish !

Chinesecrested Fri 21-Aug-20 10:31:49

Come on Skysearcher, let's have a reply from you.

Phloembundle Fri 21-Aug-20 10:37:18

You deserve retirement. How would they cope if work killed you? Most of us get to a point in life, particularly when we have a physically demanding job like yours, when our bodies say enough is enough. You've reached that point. Sit your children down and tell them you can't go on anymore. If they care about you, they will pull out all the stops to sort themselves out financially.

quizqueen Fri 21-Aug-20 10:38:24

Adult children need to financially support themselves.

Gwenisgreat1 Fri 21-Aug-20 10:48:44

It's definitely time these two stood on their own two feet! Why are you financially supporting your daughter? If she is ill shouldn't she be getting benefits from the state?
My nephew lost his job at the start of Lockdown, he eventually got a job at Amazon (I have to admit it, he didn't enjoy it, but needs must. Meanwhile he applied for other jobs, and starts a new job on Monday!!

Shortlegs Fri 21-Aug-20 11:43:01

Carry on the way you are and 'the end to all this' will find you.

kwest Fri 21-Aug-20 11:51:22

How about all three of you sitting down together and you saying " I have something serious to tell you both". First they will think you are ill, so you will get their attention, then when they realize that you are not dying they will be so relieved that they will be amenable to listening and that you are asking for them both to help you find a solution. You have had enough, you have worked hard and if it means pooling your weekly allowances for the three of you, paying the bills and then sharing anything that might be over, that could be the solution. It time for a grown up conversation.
We sometimes enable our grown up children to remain children by not giving them any reality lessons about how society works. It is actually cruel and unkind. One day they ay have to manage without you, they need to learn this skills to cope with life.

Gingergirl Fri 21-Aug-20 11:54:47

Two adult children living with you-I can only endorse what others have said. Tell them that you’re leaving work and retiring-on a state pension. Don’t make excuses for them. They’re adults and can sort out their own might be the making of them. It could also be the making of you, to finally shed responsibilities that are only appropriate for bringing up children.