Friendships one sided

Good for you Honeyrose

Welbeck, your comments made me take a deep breath as I know what you say is so true!! I think i’m going to wean myself off this “friend”. Without wishing to keep record of past “wrongs”, over the last few years she’s has forgotten to meet up with me (when we’d made arrangements over the phone just a few days prior) on no less than 4 or even 5 occasions. That’s how much she thinks of me! She doesn’t have memory problems, just thinks that I can be ignored, talked at (rather than talked to), treated as a fool. Why haven’t I had more pride in myself!? I’m beginning to see the light now - why has it taken me so long?! Thank you Welbeck. ps i’m not a selfish person - rather the reverse I think - but I do like a good 2-way conversation whereby I can actually contribute to that conversation and not be expected to sit there and just listen all the time. I’ve seen the light, having endured this for 35 years.

They sound like very shallow people ann678tifney
She's better as ex friend I think.

I had a best friend all through school, and I lost contact with her when we move. Caught up with her after 30 years, and we went to visit her and her DH. Forgot how she only thinks and talks about herself being married hadn't changed her. My DH has tatoos, which didn't go down well. She rang me after the visit to ask very personal questions about my DH, and I decided her husband didn't like mine!!! She had met him before and didn't have a problem with him then, this was when she was married to someone else. We had a meal with them and all they did was talk about themselves, their indian holidays and what they were going to do to their bungalow. She was hinting I should come and see her myself!! 2 weeks after the visit my mum died and I rang her to let her know, and she hardly said anything to help me, just more questions about DH. I decided then that we wouldn't be getting in touch with her any more. Her husband was a retired police office, and he had decided to 'judge a book by its cover' and didn't bother to get to know my husband of over 40 years, a kind man who loves his family. I personally think it is their loss they didn't bother to get to know him.

Honeyrose, why is this purported friend more important than you. why does her agenda always take precedence. why is her time and attention worth more than yours.
listen to your daughter.

I'm quiet too. Being a quiet person does make it difficult to get a word in. I love friends who ask about you and give you time to talk and you know they are listening. I generally minimise contact with those who talk at me. How on earth do people talk nonstop for over an hour at speed and not feel exhausted? Or not realise the other person hasn't spoken?

Reading all of these replies has made me want to call some friends I haven't heard from in a while.

There are some friends that I don't communicate with often, but we certainly enjoy a good chin-wag when we do call. Between most of my friends it is genuine conversation about everything, and I believe equal-sided amount of care/chat.

I replied earlier about one friend who always goes on about the drama in her family (three sisters), but I find it quite entertaining and honestly wouldn't dish that kind of dirt about my own, even if I was given to squabbling with them.

I guess I am more guarded with the info I give, and wouldn't share some of the information that she does. I understand their need to vent and for the most part I am happy to listen and tut-tut a reply.

I have both friends and relatives like that. It always amazes me how much some people can talk and not ask about me. I think these people are attracted to me as I'm fairly quiet.

I’m amazed how so many of us have these one-sided friendships! I have one of these too and have been reevaluating that particular friendship for some time now and wonder whether it’s worth continuing with. This particular friend will talk for hours about herself/work issues and not be at all interested in me. It always seems to be problems she’s having at work with various different colleagues. Wherever she’s worked, there’s always a problem with her colleagues! I’ve asked myself before just who is the common denominator! I am seriously considering calling it a day with her. My DD has met her a few times and has no time for her. DD says I have no self-respect if I want to keep her as a friend. This friend will sometimes ask me what’s going on in my life (in an awkward, bristly, let’s-get-this-over-with sort of way!) and then make it very plain that’s she’s not interested by making “hmm hmm hmm” noises, as if listening, but in a quite aggressive, off-putting way. She’s even interrupted me mid-flow and then not got back to the subject. This friend is a Christian, and can be a bit preachy, but I know she doesn’t give a fig about me as she’s proved it
on several occasions. I am not anti-Christian at all, far from it. I could write a book on the unfriendly things she’s done and said. I think the problem is that she can’t relate to my life as I have the life I think she would like - husband, children and grandchildren. I do think she’s jealous, I hate to admit it and it’s taken me years to fully realise this. Since lockdown, we’ve not been in touch and i’m very tempted to let things slide and not bother to contact her. I have some really lovely close friends who I have known for many years who I feel well liked by, appreciated and listened to. I am a good listener and very patient - many people have told me this - and I think I’ve maybe been too much of a good listener to this “friend”. I’m just an audience to her. I’ve known her for about 35 years, having met her at work. By the way, she’s not all “bad” as she has done some nice things for me, but the overriding thing has been her lack of interest in me over the years. I hope that doesn’t make me sound selfish! If anything, I’m a people-pleaser so maybe I don’t have too much confidence and feeling of self-worth.

I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't care - she just wants someone to talk at.

I'd better start making that plate on a stick.

That must be hard for you. It doesn't sound like she even understands. You are patient.
I would not have tolerated it this long. Too stressful.

I'm not so sure about patience.
She really does change the subject back each time I try and steer it elsewhere.

I have even told her I find it difficult to hear all this when my daughter fought so hard to live, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

I did try to instigate a friendship between the two neighbours, but guess what?
They get on each others' nerves!

Oh no that's terrible. I hope her family aren't enjoying the break too much or they may try to keep it that way.
You'll have to learn to get in first with some really boring topic. I think you're very patient.

annep1, it's the same as it's ever been, although I'm hoping Mrs "if I had a bottle of pills I'd kill myself" may go back to visiting with family every day. (I think they are a bit fed up with her, though)

Yes! I have two friends like this. I hardly get a word in edgeways!

MissAdventure your neighbours sound very difficult to cope with. Will you have more company after the present situation or is it always like that?
You need to develop a strategy or it will always be like this.
I hate people talking at me. I sometimes think some of us are just too good at listening.

I often think I could just draw a face on a paper plate, put it on a stick, and allow them to talk "at" that, because I doubt they would notice.

It’s at times like these that we find out who are our true friends, and life’s too short to bother with the ones who aren’t.

We had this conversation at breakfast. I think many people will reassess friendships when this is (hopefully) over.

So common and so hurtful.
Some years ago when DH was very poorly and actually died just a year later, I went out to lunch with 3 “friends” /ex-colleagues.
They talked about their holidays, their elderly parents and their children.
As DH ‘s full time carer and given his health there was no way we could go any where and also one of my daughters had just had her first baby.
Not once did any of them ask how things were for me or how she and the baby were.

It was a sobering experience and stayed with me for a long time.

V3ra as my DM got older she also liked to explain every meal in great detail. Maybe it's an age thing. Let's try not to go down that route.

Wouldn't it be lovely if every "friend" planned the next night out, suggested that different restaurant, took their turn to host that special dinner party, volunteered to drive occasionally, made that long promised phone call, acknowledged "that it's ok to not be ok" and stopped taking everyone else for granted!???

maybe she does not have caller display.
i only answer calls from known people.

I am lucky, I have lovely friends with whom I exchange news. But one of them very rarely rings me, it's always me making the call and if I don't, she just doesn't bother. We used to be neighbours and I thought really good friends, both having been on the receiving end of nasty behaviour from our husbands when drunk and giving each other mutual support. My husband died a while back but hers is still alive and now they live quite a long way away. Whenever we have met since, which is only about once a year, it's always me organising the outing and trying to get a date out of her in the first place, which is always difficult. It seems like she's not interested but when I cave in and ring her yet again, we have nice chats. I always have to suggest via text a date and time to ring her, she never just picks up the phone out of the blue. I don't understand it.

The father of friend on mine died and then his mother died a week later. When they phone a friend to tell them (not me!) the friend said 'that's terrible, I know how you feel. My cat died last year and I'm still upset" Now I know that our little pets are precious, I've lost a number of beloved pets over the years, but I was shocked when he told me and he was very upset at the insensitivity.

I have the same friend.... I phoned her a few months ago and told her I’d been knocked from my electric bike into some ‘crash barriers’ ... I had two fractures in my left shoulder ...a dislocated right shoulder ...concussion and a broken jaw! She said. “Oh dear”.... then immediately rattled off the symptoms of her latest cold. I kid you not! After 10 minutes of her life and death situation I put the phone down. Nuff said!