Asking their son or daughter "What kind of a mum was I?"

My daughter tells me she had a great childhood with love and attention. Bought for her what we could afford, holidays etc but not spoiled, however she knew when she got "the look" from me not to carry on what she was doing. She never needed to be smacked. In my childhood however I felt somewhat neglected when I think back with no real love shown. I was the youngest of 6 and quickly discovered the middle sister was the favourite of the family right into adulthood. Mum would never give you a hug or a kiss or any affection really, we didn't go on holidays or have presents etc. Luckily my other sister used to make most of my clothes and take me out etc and I felt she was more of a Mum to me.

My elder son wrote an essay in his teens which included the sentence - I had a very happy childhood and I can count on one hand, the number of times I've seen my parents fight. I presume he meant argue as there were no physical fights!

My parents physically fought a great deal when I was younger and my sister and I used to curl up in bed together and try to block out the noise. I still feel sick when I think about it. I'm so relieved I didn't put my children through anything similar.

All I can say is I hope I was good enough. Both my girls have done well. They have good husbands, nice happy children, and that is all I can ask. I did my best, and I hope for my girls, it was good enough.

I learnt a lot from my own parents about how NOT to parent so did the complete opposite when bringing my own children up. They have never been smacked, whacked, hit with belts or knocked about in any way whatsoever. They have never been put down or told that they are ugly or useless. Both my DS and my DD tell me they had a brilliant childhood and have turned out confident, honest, caring, hardworking and are both in strong, stable marriages with children of their own who are bright and trouble free. I have a DiL and a SiL that are loving and caring too. My cup, as they say, runneth over and I am blessed indeed

I remember once commenting to the kids that I was a laid back sort of person and they both collapsed on the floor laughing. I was serious, oh to see yourself as others see you

My childhood was one I would not wish anyone to endure so when this subject came up recently with my daughter I asked if I had been a good enough mum. She wouldn’t answer me so didn’t push it in case she let rip with all my ( many and acknowledged) faults, and was left not knowing what she thought.
Some weeks later she said in passing that she had a happy childhood. Phew, thank goodness for that because I did my best which is all any of us can do.

Chewbacca hahahahahahahahahahahaha... THAT is hilarious and absolutely perfect hahaha.....

Bbbface ohhhh myself and my 2 children are really close, we go on holidays together, meals out, I am very much in their lives ( not through being pushy, but just through a natural 'being together' )

I am just curious to wonder what the reply would be if I did ask the question ( which I won't )

Like I say, it might alllllllll stem from this scar of feeling the need to ' do one's best to please others ' I dunno, BUT the replies i have received from everyone have made me see from a different perspective, and for that I thank you all ....

Flowers for those who don't partake in wine

And wine for those that do ....

I’ve always told my children how beautiful, cleaver and treasured they are. I never leave them without them telling me and me telling them, how much we love each other. Sounds really sickly doesn’t it!

I was a single mum (That wasn’t the plan at all) to my lad from the age of four...
He’s now in his 30s, in a loving stable relationship but as yet, no children.
About a month ago, I asked him (and he doesn’t give answers to please you) how he felt about his childhood, and were there any issues that arose that he has difficulty reconciling. He said there were none. I’m prepared to accept that may change if he does go on to be a dad.
My mum had a horrible childhood and was treated differently to her siblings where she was the Cinderella. Despite this, she was an awesome mum to us three children. She was with my (selfish) dad, but to all intents and purposes, she may as well been a single mum. She was and at 97 still is, a much revered role model for me.
I wasn’t “spoilt”, and neither was my child, as money was tight... but there was never a shortage of love and affection. Always support and encouragement. That went both ways too.
I’m not trying to say every single day was idyllic, but even in troubled times we were, and still are “there for each other”.... btw, I told my mum how I felt about her many times, and she found it so hard to believe I felt that way. Made me want to hug her even more.
It can be a risky question to your children, but for me it was one I wanted to know, and address if it had turned out to be a negative.
Wishing you luck and wisdom if you decide to ask ?

We did ask - and it was rather a shock. I think this changes over time, especially when they have children of their own. My eldest son refused to join in the discussion, the other 3 (son and 2 daughters) did - their main complaint was that we did not take any interest in their education. This was to some extent true, although my eldest daughter says I never attended parents' evenings at her school, which is entirely untrue. When they rewrite history it is impossible to have a proper conversation.
Of course they didn't take into account that my husband worked long hours a distance away, I had 4 children and a quite demanding part-time job (funding school fees) and no help at home. Also I didn't have the mental capacity to oversee their homework etc. They had all the opportunities we could give them - we did our best.

I never felt I was a particularly good mum but I did my best.
I would never ask either of my sons if I had been.
That would be unfair on them
However the younger one said to me recently that the two brothers had been chatting about their childhoods and had agreed that they both had had really happy ones.
That made my day.

This is not something I have ever given a thought to however, not long before my fabulous Mum died, I was showing her some holiday photos from a recent trip to Guernsey. Both children were on boogie boards, in quite a rough sea and they were laughing their heads off. My Mum turned to me and said ‘You do realise you are giving those children a fabulous childhood don’t you’. To be honest it had never occurred to me, and I was quite shocked, but those words meant a huge amount to me, and I’ve never forgotten them. I’ve never mentioned them to the adult children either in case they contradict them and I’d be devastated! ?

Awww wow, all your posts/replies are just BRILLIANT.... so, basically, I'm not on my own, I've loved reading all the replies.

NO it most certainly is not sickly Fernhillnana, I think it's so lovely.

My elder son Infers he had a rotten childhood. He says he wasn’t given this and that. Had very little money at times.
The younger son enjoyed his childhood and says he grew up in best decade the 70s.
I think different children have different views.
Older son-difficult and younger has a lovely character.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I wish I could do it all again and make it better for them. I would never smack, work or hurt them by splitting up with their dad. Having said that, it does mean I'd still have to be with him... [shudders]!!
Ps. I fed them absolute crap too. We all have healthier diets now and I don't recall my 30something kids ever ordering chicken nuggets or pizza whilst out for dinner in recent times!

I don’t think I was very good. My children have difficult lives and I tend to blame myself. I stayed at home to look after them ( their father worked away a lot) but do feel a failure.

Same here, Calendargirl.

I had a horrible childhood which left me with anxiety and I don’t agree with those who say we should not carry on blaming our parents. I DO blame my father and always will.
Anyhoo I loved having children and certainly didn’t want to carry on that violence. I wish I hadn’t been so career minded, but my husband balanced it up as he was a perfect father.
Now my career dwindles away and my children are the light of my life, thoughtful and loving, forgiving me my weaknesses.
I don’t know what I have done to deserve them!

hollysteers Bad parents cause mental and physical issues even if they don't lay a finger on you.

Problems included and not limited to: anxiety, depression, IBS, chronic pain, personality disorders, mental illness, even suicide can all result from childhood trauma.

No one would say anything against you if you said your father cut off an arm or a leg and you couldn't forgive him. Instead he left you with anxiety which can quite often only be managed not cured.

I understand.

Both my husband and myself did not have a " normal " childhood mine with an older dad who had not wanted any more children and DH through illness and death of a parent so all I wanted for my children was a normal childhood. One of my DS's friends used to envy him because this poor lad had an older father and a sick mother . My mother was discussing her own mother one day and said she had not been a good daughter to her mother but I had been a good one. I will never forget that .
We are closed to both our children but they are not very close to each other. I am sure they would not ring each other just for a chat.

I think they remember things differently from us,my daughter will say we did something and I know we definately didn't .I 'm talking about things when she was primary school age .For instance she said we let her look after our camera shop on her own when she was 10.That didn't happen,maybe she was behind the counter but we would never have left her in charge of the shop... not at 10 or even at 16 .I wouldn't have stayed in it on my own ,there was always staff both up and downstairs as we had issues with shoplifters .She is insistent that it happened though and nothing we say will convince her otherwise.She does say she had a great childhood though which is a relief and will admit to being the teenager from hell.She says that means she knows all the tricks her own might try as she did it first .We are all close and she and her brother talk to each other a lot,which is lovely

I shan't be asking my boys how I did. We all do what we can at the time.

It is however very interesting to watch them as fathers. "People in glass houses etc"

One thing they tease me about was the corduroy patches on their jeans. It was the 80s!

Maybe I should ask my two sons ?