Wits end

Your daughter needs help and pronto. Passive smoking doesn't just apply to cigarettes. Cannabis smoking is just the same and just as bad for those having to inhale it. Having had an abusive husband myself, her partner is unlikely to change. She seems to be bullied by his entire family and he lets it happen. It doesn't show respect to her or their baby. I appreciate she is an adult and can make her own decisions but sometimes in life people need help and advice. On a personal level I would be unable to accept knowing my grandchild was being 'cared' for in a house with drug users. I would be finding Social Services phone number.

Look on gov.uk for more information

Are you certain that nursery or child minder is not an option? Remember if they qualify for universal credit and are both working then up to 85% of the cost will be covered by the Government. It might be worth them getting a benefit check try turn2us or entitledto for these. Also can either of them qualify for child care vouchers from their employers towards child care costs?

Alexa

Does it not depend on how" significant" is the cannabis use? May be they will not be using it during the child care hours.. Are they generally competent in visible ways? Do they keep a clean house? Are they criminals? Are they gamblers? Are they seriously mentally defective?

Significant that they start from the minute they wake (late) to going to bed in the early hours.
The Grandma can't go to see him at my Daughters house without having a smoke in the hour or so period she stays.
Erratic behaviour, mood swings.

Does it not depend on how" significant" is the cannabis use? May be they will not be using it during the child care hours.. Are they generally competent in visible ways? Do they keep a clean house? Are they criminals? Are they gamblers? Are they seriously mentally defective?

MOnica, your advice is good.
In no way am I condoning drug use especially around children. I'm worried about the smoke almost as much as the drug use.
Sadly, drug use is so common that most families referred to children's services will be using substances, and/or drinking to excess. There has been another increase in children taken into care during this pandemic. The lack of support and preventive services is a major problem. The law says children's services must offer support to prevent children coming into care. Government cuts mean services are as rare as hens teeth.
But yes, MOnica is right in her advice.

There is no way that if she leaves him that he can insist he takes the baby. The main thing she must do is not tell him she is going

She just walks out of the house with the baby as she would if going shopping, or leaves when he is out doing things. Posibly you could be parked round the corner to pick them up. The first thing she then does is contact a solicitor and possibly Social Services. There would have to be very real evidence of the child being in danger in the care of the mother for a child of this age to be removed from her.

I am not sure Social Services would consider a home where family members are using drugs as a suitable home for a young child.

No, a baby does not have to spend equal times with both sets of grandparents. The child's welfare comes first and if one set of grandparents are not fit for any reason; drug taking, alcohol consumption, health, carelessness, then they should not be left with the child without parental supervision.

It reads to me as if your daughter is in a coercive relationship where her partner has undermined her confidence in herself and her capacity to make decisions for herself and their child.

If this child is regularly being cared for people you know are regularly using drugs when the child is present then speak to Social Services.

If one or both parents has been proven to have used drugs in front of their child or created an environment where the child could have access to (or may have consumed) drugs, then the parents could be charged criminally under child protection laws.17 Feb 2020
Just had a quick read and this is just one of many articles out there.

I would never leave a baby or child in the care of people who use drugs of any sort, relatives or not. The welfare of the baby is paramount and your daughter is right to be concerned. It might be illegal to 'care' for a baby while using drugs as it is while under the influence of alcohol, but not sure. There is also the issue of secondary smoking so perhaps having the baby being cared for at home might be better. Difficult situation.

It's not going to be easy sorting this out without your daughter being affected but it must be done. These grandparents should see the baby in the child's own home.

threexnanny

Years ago when I was returning to work my MIL offered to look after the baby, but I had a problem with her taking anti depressants which she washed down with a large scotch! She didn't drive thankfully, but I was not happy about her ability to care for our baby. OH and I argued about it as he would not accept she was not fit. Finally we went to Relate and that made him get his head out of the sand.
She needs someone who is not related to intervene.

Thankyou.
This is exactly the situation. Altho he knows the issues, it's the cannabis use that also causes random behaviour that he acknowledges. He can't see past the "fairness"
That the baby should have equal time with both sets of grandparents.
I don't want to keep going on at my DD as she is not in a good place anyway (sleepless nights, baby been poorly plus all this and worrying about returning to work) but she knows my concerns. Her partner just won't listen.

It isn't only the effect of smoking cannabis every day, its the smoke that will be in the house. That's the case even if this family agreed not to smoke when the baby is with them. There's all kinds of evidence linking cot death to babies being in a smokey atmosphere.
Suggest your daughter speak with her health visitor about this. the HV will have the latest research evidence and I suspect will advise against allowing the baby in that house. Look at Mumsnet, many parents there say they won't allow people who smoke cigarettes in to their homes because the smoke lingers on clothes and that can heighten the risks.

Years ago when I was returning to work my MIL offered to look after the baby, but I had a problem with her taking anti depressants which she washed down with a large scotch! She didn't drive thankfully, but I was not happy about her ability to care for our baby. OH and I argued about it as he would not accept she was not fit. Finally we went to Relate and that made him get his head out of the sand.
She needs someone who is not related to intervene.

A child's safety is at risk. If you knew a neighbour was using drugs while looking after children, you would have no hesitation in reporting them. I think you have to tell your daughter's partner that he can't leave the child with his parents. How would you feel if something happened to the child and you could have prevented it? You must do the right thing.

GillT57

PTWN I am sorry if I came across rather angry, but like you, I think that the baby's safety and your DD's concerns are the most important things here. What a worry this must be for you, could you help, or pay some of the nursery fees? Not only are these people showing a complete disregard for the safety of a small, vulnerable child, they are have no respect for the concerns of the child's mother and are bullying her. Oh, and welcome to GN!

You hit the nail on the head. They all bully her. Hate having to sit back and watch.

You are absolutely right *PTWN. You didn't talk about your dd leaving her partner. I apologise. My mind made a huge leap to what I might say to my dd if her partner was suggesting child care with people who take drugs!

PTWN I am sorry if I came across rather angry, but like you, I think that the baby's safety and your DD's concerns are the most important things here. What a worry this must be for you, could you help, or pay some of the nursery fees? Not only are these people showing a complete disregard for the safety of a small, vulnerable child, they are have no respect for the concerns of the child's mother and are bullying her. Oh, and welcome to GN!

Laughterlines

Give him the responsibility of dropping off and collecting the child. His eyes will be opened then.

He knows how they are, occasionally will comment on their chaotic behaviour but will never challenge.
He just feels its "not fair" for them to not have the baby equally

Gillt57
I suppose its what he's been used to, he has no worries about it it seems. They can do no wrong in how they treat DD etc
We on the other hand are frantic at the thought.
I wish she could stand up to them but they seem too much for her.

Give him the responsibility of dropping off and collecting the child. His eyes will be opened then.

What kind of parent thinks that leaving a small baby with drug users is a good idea? This is completely unacceptable and I feel for you. However, the main thing here has to be the safety of the child, not the hurt feelings of grandparents, or of the child's father. Frankly, if I was in the unfortunate position of having a child with the son of selfish drug users I would be rethinking my relationship or telling him that due to safety concerns I would not be returning to work. I appreciate this is very difficult, but all this pussyfooting bout not wishing to hurt anyone's feelings will be for nothing if someone nods off in a cannabis induced haze while your grandchild is in the bath.

ElaineI

And also health visitor would help as AGAA4 says.

Her partner absolutely refuses to broach the subject with them, yet when my DD does all hell breaks lose leaving her being verbally attacked by them all. Their behaviour is very odd, as you can imagine.
The baby already has the smell on him if they visit.
I'm sure if I got up and had a vodka or worked my way through a bottle of wine during the day he would see me as unsuitable to care for a baby, but yet he sees their habit as not a problem.

And also health visitor would help as AGAA4 says.

Firstly your DD must state in writing that no cannabis is to be smoked while baby is with them.
Secondly ask your DD to keep a note of any problems in case she needs to alert social services.

Been there, done that. And no longer an issue as he no longer goes there. Things like not turning up on time, not turning up at all, lies, putting toddler in bath with bleach and concealing it - not deliberate just no idea of child safety, child and entire nappy bag smelling of smoke on return home requiring child to be bathed and contents washed.

Grandmabatty

Despite your understandable concerns, it is your dd's problem to solve. So when she is distressed about it you can sympathise and ask her what she is going to do. Ask her what she should do? Telling her to leave him could backfire badly on you. I think your dh is right.

Leaving him was never mentioned as that would be even worse as he would likely live with them then and still take the baby!