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Wits end

(31 Posts)
PTWN Sat 12-Sep-20 14:53:33

Hi,
New Grandparent with some major worries.
My Daughter has a partner (not married) had some major issues in the relationship in the past
They have a 6 month old.
My Daughter is returning to work soon and childcare is to be divided between her and both Grandparents.
This is where the issue arises.
The other Grandma and others living there are significant users of cannabis. This does affect their behaviour dramatically.
My Daughter does not want the baby to go there at all but it being totally over ruled by her partner who is insistent.
They all undermine and disregard her wishes or instructions.
I worry if something happens to the baby will my Daughter be in trouble for "willingly" allowing the baby to be there!?
They do drive and will expect to do so with the baby.
As if the return to work isn't hard enough without this to deal with.
They cannot afford nursery fees, she may as well not work if they have to pay. They similarly can't afford for her not to work.
And yes she did know what their habits were, but never thought they would expect to care for a child or that her partner would want them too.
He does not share the habit.
How would you as the other gran deal with this?
My husband is very much head in the sand and just says we all need to close our minds to it on the day the baby is there! 🤯

Esspee Sat 12-Sep-20 15:09:22

Frankly it is your daughter's problem and you need to keep a low profile.

PTWN Sat 12-Sep-20 15:25:48

Esspee

Frankly it is your daughter's problem and you need to keep a low profile.

It's also my problem when I'm seeing my Daughter so distressed 🤷‍♀️

kittylester Sat 12-Sep-20 15:41:16

It's nice to see a new poster - welcome.

Grandmabatty Sat 12-Sep-20 15:59:06

Despite your understandable concerns, it is your dd's problem to solve. So when she is distressed about it you can sympathise and ask her what she is going to do. Ask her what she should do? Telling her to leave him could backfire badly on you. I think your dh is right.

AGAA4 Sat 12-Sep-20 16:01:58

PTWN. I understand your worries and as a baby is involved I think you are right to be concerned. Driving under the influence of drugs is illegal as it is dangerous. Taking drugs while caring for a baby is extremely irresponsible.
There is not much you can do apart from supporting your daughter. She probably needs to discuss this with her health visitor/doctor and get their input.

PTWN Sat 12-Sep-20 16:13:29

Grandmabatty

Despite your understandable concerns, it is your dd's problem to solve. So when she is distressed about it you can sympathise and ask her what she is going to do. Ask her what she should do? Telling her to leave him could backfire badly on you. I think your dh is right.

Leaving him was never mentioned as that would be even worse as he would likely live with them then and still take the baby!

ElaineI Sun 13-Sep-20 16:04:34

Firstly your DD must state in writing that no cannabis is to be smoked while baby is with them.
Secondly ask your DD to keep a note of any problems in case she needs to alert social services.

Been there, done that. And no longer an issue as he no longer goes there. Things like not turning up on time, not turning up at all, lies, putting toddler in bath with bleach and concealing it - not deliberate just no idea of child safety, child and entire nappy bag smelling of smoke on return home requiring child to be bathed and contents washed.

ElaineI Sun 13-Sep-20 16:06:20

And also health visitor would help as AGAA4 says.

PTWN Sun 13-Sep-20 16:18:10

ElaineI

And also health visitor would help as AGAA4 says.

Her partner absolutely refuses to broach the subject with them, yet when my DD does all hell breaks lose leaving her being verbally attacked by them all. Their behaviour is very odd, as you can imagine.
The baby already has the smell on him if they visit.
I'm sure if I got up and had a vodka or worked my way through a bottle of wine during the day he would see me as unsuitable to care for a baby, but yet he sees their habit as not a problem.

GillT57 Sun 13-Sep-20 17:15:21

What kind of parent thinks that leaving a small baby with drug users is a good idea? This is completely unacceptable and I feel for you. However, the main thing here has to be the safety of the child, not the hurt feelings of grandparents, or of the child's father. Frankly, if I was in the unfortunate position of having a child with the son of selfish drug users I would be rethinking my relationship or telling him that due to safety concerns I would not be returning to work. I appreciate this is very difficult, but all this pussyfooting bout not wishing to hurt anyone's feelings will be for nothing if someone nods off in a cannabis induced haze while your grandchild is in the bath.

Laughterlines Sun 13-Sep-20 17:20:17

Give him the responsibility of dropping off and collecting the child. His eyes will be opened then.

PTWN Sun 13-Sep-20 17:22:49

Gillt57
I suppose its what he's been used to, he has no worries about it it seems. They can do no wrong in how they treat DD etc
We on the other hand are frantic at the thought.
I wish she could stand up to them but they seem too much for her.

PTWN Sun 13-Sep-20 17:24:31

Laughterlines

Give him the responsibility of dropping off and collecting the child. His eyes will be opened then.

He knows how they are, occasionally will comment on their chaotic behaviour but will never challenge.
He just feels its "not fair" for them to not have the baby equally

GillT57 Sun 13-Sep-20 17:26:56

PTWN I am sorry if I came across rather angry, but like you, I think that the baby's safety and your DD's concerns are the most important things here. What a worry this must be for you, could you help, or pay some of the nursery fees? Not only are these people showing a complete disregard for the safety of a small, vulnerable child, they are have no respect for the concerns of the child's mother and are bullying her. Oh, and welcome to GN!

Grandmabatty Sun 13-Sep-20 17:43:19

You are absolutely right *PTWN. You didn't talk about your dd leaving her partner. I apologise. My mind made a huge leap to what I might say to my dd if her partner was suggesting child care with people who take drugs!

PTWN Sun 13-Sep-20 17:43:32

GillT57

PTWN I am sorry if I came across rather angry, but like you, I think that the baby's safety and your DD's concerns are the most important things here. What a worry this must be for you, could you help, or pay some of the nursery fees? Not only are these people showing a complete disregard for the safety of a small, vulnerable child, they are have no respect for the concerns of the child's mother and are bullying her. Oh, and welcome to GN!

You hit the nail on the head. They all bully her. Hate having to sit back and watch.

annep1 Mon 14-Sep-20 17:10:40

A child's safety is at risk. If you knew a neighbour was using drugs while looking after children, you would have no hesitation in reporting them. I think you have to tell your daughter's partner that he can't leave the child with his parents. How would you feel if something happened to the child and you could have prevented it? You must do the right thing.

threexnanny Tue 15-Sep-20 07:55:31

Years ago when I was returning to work my MIL offered to look after the baby, but I had a problem with her taking anti depressants which she washed down with a large scotch! She didn't drive thankfully, but I was not happy about her ability to care for our baby. OH and I argued about it as he would not accept she was not fit. Finally we went to Relate and that made him get his head out of the sand.
She needs someone who is not related to intervene.

Iam64 Tue 15-Sep-20 08:23:53

It isn't only the effect of smoking cannabis every day, its the smoke that will be in the house. That's the case even if this family agreed not to smoke when the baby is with them. There's all kinds of evidence linking cot death to babies being in a smokey atmosphere.
Suggest your daughter speak with her health visitor about this. the HV will have the latest research evidence and I suspect will advise against allowing the baby in that house. Look at Mumsnet, many parents there say they won't allow people who smoke cigarettes in to their homes because the smoke lingers on clothes and that can heighten the risks.

PTWN Tue 15-Sep-20 12:38:17

threexnanny

Years ago when I was returning to work my MIL offered to look after the baby, but I had a problem with her taking anti depressants which she washed down with a large scotch! She didn't drive thankfully, but I was not happy about her ability to care for our baby. OH and I argued about it as he would not accept she was not fit. Finally we went to Relate and that made him get his head out of the sand.
She needs someone who is not related to intervene.

Thankyou.
This is exactly the situation. Altho he knows the issues, it's the cannabis use that also causes random behaviour that he acknowledges. He can't see past the "fairness"
That the baby should have equal time with both sets of grandparents.
I don't want to keep going on at my DD as she is not in a good place anyway (sleepless nights, baby been poorly plus all this and worrying about returning to work) but she knows my concerns. Her partner just won't listen.

annep1 Tue 15-Sep-20 13:43:04

It's not going to be easy sorting this out without your daughter being affected but it must be done. These grandparents should see the baby in the child's own home.

readsalot Tue 15-Sep-20 22:48:52

I would never leave a baby or child in the care of people who use drugs of any sort, relatives or not. The welfare of the baby is paramount and your daughter is right to be concerned. It might be illegal to 'care' for a baby while using drugs as it is while under the influence of alcohol, but not sure. There is also the issue of secondary smoking so perhaps having the baby being cared for at home might be better. Difficult situation.

readsalot Tue 15-Sep-20 22:58:41

If one or both parents has been proven to have used drugs in front of their child or created an environment where the child could have access to (or may have consumed) drugs, then the parents could be charged criminally under child protection laws.17 Feb 2020
Just had a quick read and this is just one of many articles out there.

M0nica Wed 16-Sep-20 08:39:23

There is no way that if she leaves him that he can insist he takes the baby. The main thing she must do is not tell him she is going

She just walks out of the house with the baby as she would if going shopping, or leaves when he is out doing things. Posibly you could be parked round the corner to pick them up. The first thing she then does is contact a solicitor and possibly Social Services. There would have to be very real evidence of the child being in danger in the care of the mother for a child of this age to be removed from her.

I am not sure Social Services would consider a home where family members are using drugs as a suitable home for a young child.

No, a baby does not have to spend equal times with both sets of grandparents. The child's welfare comes first and if one set of grandparents are not fit for any reason; drug taking, alcohol consumption, health, carelessness, then they should not be left with the child without parental supervision.

It reads to me as if your daughter is in a coercive relationship where her partner has undermined her confidence in herself and her capacity to make decisions for herself and their child.

If this child is regularly being cared for people you know are regularly using drugs when the child is present then speak to Social Services.