I am so angry need to vent my spleen about dh

25Avalon You said above that you were planning to leave him 5 years ago but stayed because of his illness. Perhaps you should think again. Life might become more enjoyable without him because no one should be treated as he is treating you.

25Avalon, when you say 'He does nothing to help me ever' what exactly do you mean?

Doing his fair share of the cooking/cleaning/chores isn't actually 'helping' you - it's not your job!

I think that you may have spoiled him. Time to put your foot down firmly and demand respect and equality.

Avalon Are you sure my husband hasn’t moved in? Mine is completely computer illiterate and I have to do all online stuff. Get same response if I try to say something while he’s on the phone. Can’t they just ask the other person to hold line for a moment? We wouldn’t interrupt if itv wasn’t important.I feel your pain!

Lucca

It’s funny how some husbands can find just the right thing to make you see red. I’m long divorced but mine used to say “you’re just like your mother”.
It was not a compliment believe me and it always made me want to scream and throw things (I never did)

I’m sure wives do the same though...

That's the blue touch paper remark for me too Lucca. The DC have been known to say it too. Even worse on the rare occasions I have to agree with them!

I think Avalon it's time your DH was encouraged to be more independent while you decide what you want your future to look like. But it might mean he takes the wrong bowl to pick the tomatoes!!

I don't understand why you put up with it. Be proactive, he doesn't deserve you. This is the 21st century, men and women are equal. You are enabling his selfish behaviour.
I couldn't live like that.

He ordered the cheese himself. Wanted a bowl to pick the tomatoes in so I told him there was one in the kitchen. He refused to get it so no tomatoes apart from hoardes I already have. Can’t talk to him. Won’t listen. If I was incapacitated he would manage but it would be the bare minimum.

Hell would freeze over before I'd order his cheese ever again.

I do wonder what a man like Mr Avalon, who is used to being waited on hand and foot, would have done if Avalon had had the misfortune to be the one who had the open heart surgery and not him. Would he have waited on you, Avalon? If the answer is no perhaps its time to do something about it.

I am also amazed that some women just put up with this sort of rude, disrespectful, nasty behaviour in actions and words...year in, year out.

I would not tolerate being scorned and demeaned like this. Almost daily I am so glad I am independent and free from any sort of distress from a rude, churlish partner.

I can say that my exH was a gentleman.

I think many couples are getting on each others' nerves at the moment. Many of us have been shut in together since March and face the prospect of perhaps another six months of this. I'd say forgive and forget in most cases. Where's the sense in spending the rest of this Covid time in a state of war? When it's all over you can either start afresh or go for divorce.

You need this...

I can tell you that if my husband ever told me to "stop squawking" he would become my ex-husband, how terribly rude of him to speak to you like that

I was hot tempered so H learnt to err on the side of caution

It’s funny how some husbands can find just the right thing to make you see red. I’m long divorced but mine used to say “you’re just like your mother”.
It was not a compliment believe me and it always made me want to scream and throw things (I never did)

I’m sure wives do the same though...

I’m sad to hear that Avalon. I thought it was just banter. I’ve known people like you two, but underneath, love each other very much. If this isn’t the case with you, could you think about leaving now if you’re so unhappy? How did you plan to do it before? I know 5 years is a long time when you’re older. The difference between being well, and then not well perhaps. You don’t need to ‘ truckle along ‘ any more do you? Do you have friends/ family for support? Maybe a group you could join. Our yellow pages seems to have a group for any type of problem. I wish you well?

Why do some ladies still put up with such boorish behaviour! It can’t be through love surely? Any behaviour like that and I would be out the door - not that I would have married someone like that anyway.

25Avalon

He would rather starve than get his own dinner and I feel too mean just to get my own. It wouldn’t make any difference anyway. I learnt many years ago that I could beg, plead, cry, or get angry and he still wouldn’t respond. When he was working it was always that he provided the money. When my disabled son was alive it wasn’t so bad as we (ds and I) had a lot of fun.

5 years ago I was going to leave but then DH had open heart surgery and for 3 months needed solid looking after. What little he did dwindled to nothing, not even a cup of tea. Most of the time we truckle along ok. He is a manipulator. I let him manipulate if it suits me but not otherwise. He was a spoilt only son with phobias that were hidden.

I don’t know how old you are*25Avalon*, but that’s not a life I’d like to be living at any age. Maybe use this latest incident to really reassess your life? Good luck. You sound a kind and loving person - but very put upon!

Lisagran you are right. I can never stay mad long enough. I find myself cracking and laughing at the absurdity of it. I know I shouldn’t give in. Maybe it’s connected to the fear of rejection I have carried for years.

I learnt that it was better to write an interruption on a bit of paper and put it into his hand. That way he could look at it while still holding the conversation with the (obviously more important than me) person on the phone. I do have a bit of sympathy for him, because it is difficult when you have people saying different things into each of your ears, but I've more for you when you were offering useful imformation and dismissed as though you were a demanding child.

If DH spoke to me like that, I would cancel the order and go for a very long walk, probably not returning for a day or two.

But DH never would talk or behave like that so if he started doing it, I would be more likely to make an appointment with the doctor and dementia clinic.

He would rather starve than get his own dinner and I feel too mean just to get my own. It wouldn’t make any difference anyway. I learnt many years ago that I could beg, plead, cry, or get angry and he still wouldn’t respond. When he was working it was always that he provided the money. When my disabled son was alive it wasn’t so bad as we (ds and I) had a lot of fun.

5 years ago I was going to leave but then DH had open heart surgery and for 3 months needed solid looking after. What little he did dwindled to nothing, not even a cup of tea. Most of the time we truckle along ok. He is a manipulator. I let him manipulate if it suits me but not otherwise. He was a spoilt only son with phobias that were hidden.

This is obviously not a new thing for you. I kind of get it. My husband and I had a whole conversation yesterday around memory. He’s always had a really good one, mine has been consistently challenging since starting menopause. Lately, he’s worried his isn’t so good. He’s a scientist, so up there with very clever people. I was always a stay at home mum, and very good at all domestic stuff, and still am. He is not! So, this morning, my daughter rang to get info on any car accidents I’ve had, as she wants to add me to her car, on the insurance. There have been two incidents which I remember well, because of association with other things at the time. He couldn’t remember, he kept telling me to shut up, as he was on the phone to her, and eventually, he went to get the paperwork. To be fair, he did need the exact dates, but wouldn’t have had a clue were it not for me. Still love him though! My advice? Tell your husband to sort out his own cheese in the future!?

He'd be wearing the cheese when it finally arrives if he'd spoken to/about me like that. Seriously? Of course it's offensive, also boorish, puerile and very unpleasant!

Take yourself off and chill with a nice book/mag and a cuppa, or something chilled and sparkling. Switch off and do something you enjoy.

Mine is usually very calm, helpful etc but I think lockdown is getting to him. The other day he said to me (as if he was talking to a two year old) 'What do we do when the weather is getting cold? We keep all the doors shut'. I was gobsmacked

25Avalon, let him do his own order. How disrespectful, not to mention arrogant.

I hate being talked down to by my bloke, who is far less capable than I am. If he wants to do that, he can do it himself (whatever IT is).