Son doesn’t want children/partner does

Sorry, above msg is in wrong thread. I’ve reposted appropriately ?

Hello all, anyone in the same boat?... my father is passing away. They are in a lockdown area and I’ve consequently not been able to visit.
I feel so bad about it but I’m doing the right thing in protecting my family from C19??
I didn’t want to stand in front of him wearing a mask and not be able to hug him.
Pressure from mother is making me feel guilty. ?

My DD never wanted children. She was sure of that from a young age. None of us ever tried to persuade her otherwise. She is now starting the menopause and has no regrets at all about her decision, nor ever been tempted to change it.

The OP's son's relationship is short. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. No relationship will survive a divide like this.

The alternative is a relationship a friend who felt like my daughter had. She met and fell in love with a man who wanted children. They decided to stay together until he felt he could deny his urge for paternity no longer. They were together for nearly 20 years, separated and within a couple of years he married and had children.

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Oct-20 12:36:43
Why are so many of you so hostile?
Do the posts come across as hostile? To me some are forthright, blunt even and maybe the tone used could have conveyed some sympathy, but I found all the responses valid.

How I would have loved for such an understanding fifty years ago. Back then there was no choice, and if you went against the tide then you were fair game for insults.

As for the original posters dilemma, I'm afraid that there is no compromise. My sister-in-law gave in to pressure and had just the one baby. She admitted that she didn't really take to motherhood, but that compromise, if you can call it that, really bit her on the bum. Her daughter produced nine children of her own. Oh dear, poor nanna.

It’s not the right relationship for him then, I don’t blame him at all for not wanting anymore children. Having 2 disabled children at 27 must be a huge strain and worry.

If one want's children and the other doesn't, then this is a relationship going nowhere.

Jen67 I do feel my heart is breaking when my children are sad. I want to sort it all out for them like I did when they were young. But I have come to realise that they are now grown ups and have to go thru the ups and downs of life just like we did. I see myself now as a sounding board for them and even though I just want to give them a big hug and tell them everything will be alright I just listen and only give advice when it is asked for. Very difficult to do sometimes!

I had a friend who was a little older than her husband, at 42. She always told me she thought she was too old to start a family. After they'd been married a year or so he decided he wanted children more than her and they later divorced. Very sad for them both.

So, in answer to your post, it's fortunate that this has come up before they get married or commit. There could be some serious resentment otherwise.

I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who wanted children if I didn’t. I would be afraid they would end up resenting me. My son has two daughters from a previous relationship and his present girlfriend asked him how he would feel about having more before she got too involved, which I thought was very sensible.

ExD

Please stay out of it!

So your son comes to you to talk about feelings he is having. You say you won’t talk to him? Crazy. There’s a world of difference between interfering and getting too involved and simply being someone to talk to.

Yes I see no reason why Jenpatte's son should not discuss this with her and see how she feels. Personally I think her son is behaving very responsibly and needs to look after the children he has. If I were him I would stick to my guns.
The girlfriend needs to understand how he feels

Thankyou Notspagetti. Very kind comments and yes you have got what I said.

Thankyou all for wise words.

Why are so many of you so hostile?
Jen67 never said she was going to interfere or try to solve anything - she sounded to me that she was upset because her son was unhappy.

And it doesn't always mean that they should split up. There is no resentment in my friend's case, that's for sure. And my son's partner seems happy in the relationship. I feel confident it will survive.

Good for the girlfriend for having this up front and on the table before they go too far down what for her would be a blind alley.

Stay out of it - emotionally disengage - tell him it is for him and his partner to sort out. Whatever you do, do not let him see that you are in any way upset by this.

Jen I feel for you, it’s horrible when our adult children are suffering and we can’t do anything to help them. Your son and partner will have to work out what’s more important to them, one another or children.

Please stay out of it!

Of course you are sad when your children are upset. He is an adult though, and shouldn't be laying all his torment on your shoulders as it clearly upsets you greatly. You are right I think, and overly invested in his happiness. The relationship is a fairly short one for him to be so upset. For your sake, I would disengage gently from this situation. You can't change his gf point of view, nor can he so you need to think of yourself and how badly you are affected by this.

He is probably terrified of having another disabled child! It depends on the level of their disability as well. Have to admit I would feel the same in those circumstances. On the other hand my grandson has Down Syndrome. He is gorgeous, cheeky, apart from his speech and his height relatively normal for a 6 year old. We all love him to bits.

It's just not going to work.

I don't think she's threatening to leave. I think she's being realistic.

He's asking too much of her and she knows she couldn't be happy.

It’s up to your son and gf to decide what they want. Your son has been open and upfront about not wanting children and gf needs to accept and understand that now or they could be heading for years of misery.

You say he is adamant but if this is just because of the disability issue he could go for genetic counselling to be aware of what the risks if any are. He may already have done this.

The relationship isn't going to work with such a fundamental difference in one wanting children when the other one doesn't.

As Bibbity has posted, better for them both to go their separate ways and find someone who wants what they want.

Bibbity, yes 100%. It will only end badly for them both since one partner is always going to be disappointed/angry/resentful/sad/unhappy. It's not going to work. If after just 8 months, the new GF thinks that she will change him and change his mind, she needs to find someone else who already feels the same as she does.

Neither of them are wrong.
They need to separate. She deserves her own family and he deserves not to be forced into a situation a massive as that.

I don’t know your relationship but he needs to get a vasectomy and ensure that he makes his stance clear to any woman he’s dating in future.

I hope they both go on to be happy.

What a shame, and so hard for them both. How long have they been together? Is she the same age? If she’s adamant she wants children, which is completely normal, I can’t see the relationship working. There would always be resentment. I know when my daughter met her fiancé, he didn’t want to get married or have children. We expected that would change, as they were 24. They are now engaged, and second child due in three weeks! Your son already has two, and it must have been so hard for them. He could change his mind, but is less likely to I suppose. Were the disabilities linked to genetics in any way? In any case, hard as it is, there is nothing you can do, except support your son, ( and ex DIL if possible, with two disabled children), as much as you can. They really have to work it out themselves. There’s no definite answer.