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Son doesn’t want children/partner does

(42 Posts)
Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 09:58:51

Hi all, my 27 year old son is adamant he doesn’t want any more children. He has 2 from a previous marriage, both with a disability.. and is adamant he wants no more. New GF Is pressuring him for a child of their own. She’s threatening to leave him.
I just can’t stop feeling so so sorry for him as he was so happy do TV the first time in several years until this came along.
I think I’m taking it on board too much maybe?😔

Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 10:00:45

I meant to say, so happy for the first time in several years.... not TV! Sorry

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Oct-20 10:03:10

Sorry, I don't know how the term TV fits here?

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Oct-20 10:03:34

Sorry, cross posted

silverlining48 Wed 14-Oct-20 10:05:25

New girlfriend? How new? Or is that Now girlfriend?
either way its up to them of course, nothing for you to be concerned about. Sad though for the girlfriend.
Try not to get involved.

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Oct-20 10:05:50

Do the other children live with him? Is the disability passed down from him and does this affect his thinking?
Is the girlfriend the same age?

quizqueen Wed 14-Oct-20 10:07:26

It sounds like it's time for his girlfriend to move on then and he needs to find someone who doesn't want children.

Blossoming Wed 14-Oct-20 10:08:17

They will have to work this one out themselves. I think ultimately the relationship is going nowhere with such a fundamental problem, I’m sorry to say.

Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 10:13:25

No it was a typo!

Grandmabatty Wed 14-Oct-20 10:15:02

I think you are taking it too much to heart. Of course you care about your boy and his wishes, however it is up to him and his gf to sort this out or not. Is he in the habit of asking for relationship advice from you or was he maybe just venting? If he's looking for advice, I would be very cautious. If he's venting, then sympathetic sounds and, "what are you going to do about this?" with the emphasis on you. Ultimately his gf is entitled to her feelings and if she wants children and he doesn't it may be the parting of the ways for them.

Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 10:15:24

I find it hard to disassociate!
My son was on the phone yesterday and to see him so upset is heartbreaking

Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 10:17:04

Grandmabatty, he does often ask advice.... and he is being very pragmatic about it I must say.
I just find I’m taking it on board too much I think

Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 10:18:16

She is a girlfriend of about 8 months

Jen67patte Wed 14-Oct-20 10:19:24

How do you all not feel like your own heart is breaking when you know that your children are sad???

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Oct-20 10:26:18

Things do change over time.
My lovely friend never had children although they are still a great joy to him. He fell in love with someone who didn't want them and so that was that.

One son fell in love with someone who did want a family and he says he doesn't. They seem to have settled on large dogs! They have been together for maybe eight years now. I don't think they will have children.

My daughter really really wants children. She says she will adopt if she doesn't find the right person soon. I think she would move on if the two disabled children didn't live with him.

It will work it's way out without you. Easy to say, but try to relax. We love our children and want them to be happy. They will talk about it together and will have to find a way through one way or another.
Thinking of you.

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Oct-20 10:27:01

Eight months is nothing. Just let them sit on it a while.

Oopsadaisy4 Wed 14-Oct-20 10:33:36

This is for the girlfriend to decide, your DS has made his decision, stay out of it and don’t get involved.
Friend of ours wanted children, he didn’t, they split up And she now has 6 and he has been with another lady for over 20 years, no children but a couple of dogs.
But, it was a mutual decision, he met someone who wasn’t pressured into deciding not have children.

Toadinthehole Wed 14-Oct-20 10:34:03

What a shame, and so hard for them both. How long have they been together? Is she the same age? If she’s adamant she wants children, which is completely normal, I can’t see the relationship working. There would always be resentment. I know when my daughter met her fiancé, he didn’t want to get married or have children. We expected that would change, as they were 24. They are now engaged, and second child due in three weeks! Your son already has two, and it must have been so hard for them. He could change his mind, but is less likely to I suppose. Were the disabilities linked to genetics in any way? In any case, hard as it is, there is nothing you can do, except support your son, ( and ex DIL if possible, with two disabled children), as much as you can. They really have to work it out themselves. There’s no definite answer.

Bibbity Wed 14-Oct-20 10:52:35

Neither of them are wrong.
They need to separate. She deserves her own family and he deserves not to be forced into a situation a massive as that.

I don’t know your relationship but he needs to get a vasectomy and ensure that he makes his stance clear to any woman he’s dating in future.

I hope they both go on to be happy.

Grandmafrench Wed 14-Oct-20 11:01:39

Bibbity, yes 100%. It will only end badly for them both since one partner is always going to be disappointed/angry/resentful/sad/unhappy. It's not going to work. If after just 8 months, the new GF thinks that she will change him and change his mind, she needs to find someone else who already feels the same as she does.

Smileless2012 Wed 14-Oct-20 11:08:49

The relationship isn't going to work with such a fundamental difference in one wanting children when the other one doesn't.

As Bibbity has posted, better for them both to go their separate ways and find someone who wants what they want.

25Avalon Wed 14-Oct-20 11:17:52

It’s up to your son and gf to decide what they want. Your son has been open and upfront about not wanting children and gf needs to accept and understand that now or they could be heading for years of misery.

You say he is adamant but if this is just because of the disability issue he could go for genetic counselling to be aware of what the risks if any are. He may already have done this.

Illte Wed 14-Oct-20 11:23:05

It's just not going to work.

I don't think she's threatening to leave. I think she's being realistic.

He's asking too much of her and she knows she couldn't be happy.

Gwenisgreat1 Wed 14-Oct-20 11:31:05

He is probably terrified of having another disabled child! It depends on the level of their disability as well. Have to admit I would feel the same in those circumstances. On the other hand my grandson has Down Syndrome. He is gorgeous, cheeky, apart from his speech and his height relatively normal for a 6 year old. We all love him to bits.

Grandmabatty Wed 14-Oct-20 11:37:46

Of course you are sad when your children are upset. He is an adult though, and shouldn't be laying all his torment on your shoulders as it clearly upsets you greatly. You are right I think, and overly invested in his happiness. The relationship is a fairly short one for him to be so upset. For your sake, I would disengage gently from this situation. You can't change his gf point of view, nor can he so you need to think of yourself and how badly you are affected by this.