Need Advice on how to deal with strange questions from Dad with dementia

Good advise on here. Aphasia is very common when diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. Where you mix your words up and use the wrong word, but with word association. So as an earlier GN wrote he may mean another document but just calls it by the wrong name The same about your mother, have you had the ashes spread? or something else that has not been done in his mind. Talking to him about it in further details may give you clues as to where his mind is at that very time. Word association is hard because you never know where you are. you will often get a yes for no, a right for left and so on but cannot rely on it every time. I have been there for 8 years. Good luck with sorting these unusual requests. I really emphasise.

I used to take my Grandad's tea into his room and he would say, "Where's my brother's tea? You do want some, don't you, XXX?" I used to tell him I'd be back in a moment with it and then disappear. Sometimes he'd say, "He doesn't want this muck either!" as he happily tucked into his.
He did this so often that like Blubber I did wonder if he could see something I couldn't.
He did get people muddled up with his dead family. My Mum became his sister who terrified him, was always after money and whom he really resented. He would verbally attack my mother with such venom and I couldn't leave them alone in the same room. My mother has a physical temper that is legendary and couldn't get her head round the fact that he had no idea it was her he was talking too. Honestly, I was like a UN Peace Keeper!

Working with the elderly dementia patients is difficult. I found they have a short attention span and are easily distracted. Don't try to argue or correct them they get frustrated then. Try and agree even know if its nonsense and as a previous poster said placate with anything that comes to mind. It doesn't need to be true just keeps them happy that you agree and understand. It is so hard but gets easier with practice. Speaking a load of agreeable rubbish is quite acceptable.

My mum was the same dad had been dead for 30 years but each time I visited her she would ask what time dad was come home I found the easiest way to deal with it was to say he was working overtime which she happily accepted but it's a very upsetting situation

I asked CPN what I should do about OH's delusions and he said to go along with it - but that was impossible as his delusions were terrifying for him (e.g. that he was being cut up and put down the sewer) so there was not way I was going to reinforce that and increase his terror.

CPN also said that paranoid beliefs are very hard indeed to shift and are held far more firmly than standard beliefs.

I think your response should reflect what is being said or asked. Where it does no harm to go along with it, or gloss it over with no comment, then that is the right route; where letting it pass as real it would be detrimental, then it needs disputing.

Sometime it just easier to play along with them , otherwise you just turn yourself in knots . It isn't a easy situation to be in . Keep your chin up .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My deceased husband's pal constantly asked how he was. When I responded with fact he became very sad and sometimes tearful and kept asking me. When I resorted to 'he's fine' all became calm.

Lots of good advice on here, the best of which is "live in their world".

When my MIL started believing my husband (her son) was her brother, he "became" her brother whenever we were visiting. It made her very happy and they spent many happy hours "reminiscing about their schooldays".

Go with it I learned the hard way and started off with my Nan trying to explain why and what it doesn’t work at all go with what he’s asking if he wants his death certificate amended say ok Dad we ll definitely sort that out tonight
My Nan was convinced someone was stealing her money and accused a young lad visiting our house, I took him on one side and assured him not to worry he was fine and understood Next time Nan said it I said to her ‘how can you be sure it’s been stolen’ and she said ‘I saw my bank name on the note it said Bank of England and that’s my bank’ I told her we could put her money in a special place only she knew about and she was satisfied and forgot all about it
She use to keep telling me there was a child stuck under the settee my first thought was don’t be silly there’s no child there but I realised it was real to her so I moved the settee and freed ‘the child and she was happy
It’s a huge learning curve but my one advice would be go along with their thoughts do not challenge them they are VERY, VERY real to them

My late husband (vascular dementia) used to tell me his late parents had visited. I just used to ask if they were ok. No good telling him they were dead as he would just mourn all over again. His mother "visited" so often I began to think he could see something I couldn't!

My elderly father-in-law was in a care home.
One day my husband took our adult daughter to visit her grandad. He was delighted to see her, and asked if her parents were still alive!
Husband and daughter were confused and upset, but I could recognise that father-in-law had "looked" at my daughter but "seen" me.
He was asking about my parents.

Bracken28 welcome. I found that things became easier with my mom when I followed the advice not to challenge and to ''Live in the world your loved one is living in'. She no longer got upset and I was more relaxed. We had lots and lots of bizarre conversations - from my perspective - but she enjoyed them and that was all that mattered. Be kind to yourself. It's hard losing your father this way.

The Altzheimers Website has a forum which I highly recommend. I found it a great help when looking after my father who suffered from fronto temporal Altzheimers. I cared for him until February this year when he became violent and hit me and he went into care. He passed away in August.

In the 9years of decline he went through all the stages,
paranoia, losing things, accusing people of stealing, shouting at the neighbours, hiding hearing aids, wandering, forgot my mother had died, convinced that people were in the attic searching for his will, waiting for a legacy from his mother, distrustful, taking his food outside and burying it, getting up in the night thinking it was daytime.............constantly asking the same questions.

You cannot reason with someone who has lost the capacity to remember, Hetty58 wrote “Dads working late....”, use that technique it diffuses the situation and is less stress for you.

It’s hard, it doesn’t get better, it changes.
I do recommend the Altzheimers website for support and explanation of stages of decline.

My mother had Alzheimer’s and I realised I had lost my mum long before she actually died.
With mil we just tried to give her happy times. Although we knew she would forget something instantly just those few moments of happiness release endorphins which I felt had to make a difference to her whole person.

It’s not easy that’s for sure. Lots of good advice on here. You do have to become like a record and repeat the same things over and over again - eventually you do it automatically.
For distraction taking in an old photo album for them to look at sometimes works as they can have a relatively normal conversation about the photos.

I understand your dilemma, my father has Alzheimers and the things he comes out with are quite outrageous sometimes. He has conversations with my mum, who passed away several years ago, while I was with him. He doesn't recognise me when i go to visit and tells me to "f* off, I don't know you" I haven't been able to see him this year because of restrictions, plus he is 125 miles away. I would just go along with what he says, or he will be even more confused. I know it isn't easy, but you are definitely not alone. Save your tears for after your visit.

My Mum has dementia, I,ve found it's easier and less upsetting ,for both of us, if I agree with her and humour her. I used to try and reason with her, try and correct her, in the hope that I could bring her back to the Mom I knew but gave in eventually realising it wasn't going to happen. As long as she is happy that's all I can hope for.

My mother was convinced that somebody had stolen her house keys and lock her ou (or in). I found a lot of different old keys, put them on a key ring with a ‘special’ tag and told her to keep them safe in her handbag. It worked and she was very happy to check in her handbag daily to make sure they were there.

I have managed a care home for the last 25 years. Your father is exhibiting exactly the same symptoms of dementia as my current and historic residents have. It is pointless arguing or trying to correct him. Best thing is to go along with what he says, like saying you have sent the certificate off to be amended etc. In a care home staff cope because it’s diluted by the other residents and staff and they go home after a shift. It’s very waring on someone who has it constantly. Just tell yourself that you’re doing a great job. Hopefully this phase will pass, as often the worse they get, the easier it becomes. Each phase has its own issues but some are less mentally draining. The last thing you would want is for him to be medicated. Enjoy still having your dad. I wish I still had mine.

When my mum had dementia and was in a nursing home, she would sometimes ask where my dad was and why he hadn't visited her. (He was dead.) I used to say he had a bad cold and didn't want to give it to her or something similar. It usually worked. Before she went into the home though, she used to get very distressed because she thought people had got into her house and were hiding all over the place - in the fridge etc. And she'd rant on about my dad being there and how he was drunk and bringing lots of young girls into the house to have sex with and she could hear them running about and laughing. It was very upsetting and sad because my dad was 81, never a drinker and he loved her very much, and she was thinking these things. Dementia is a terrible illness.

Great advise here about distraction - that worked for us! ... But you need to make sure that you have support for you too, and your mental health. it’s so hard going through a situation like this with your loved one (who is more like a stranger at times, and your missing of the old them!) luckily I had my sister to talk and share it all with and the ‘trench humour’ got us through. My heart goes out to you, it’s such tough going sometimes. But you sound like you are doing a great job x

I do remember it coming as such a shock when my Fil first asked where MiL (dead over 10 years) was. Fairly new to dementia then, we explained very gently that she’d died years ago.
FiL was terribly upset - he cried.

After that we learned to say that she’d just gone to the shops, or to visit Auntie So and So. That always kept him happy - and by then his short term memory was virtually zero, so he’d forget whatever we said very quickly anyway.

I agree with all the advice too distract and agree where appropriate Bracken.

My step father had vascular dementia and his son was killed in a motor bike accident on his way to see him. We told him what had happened but after that one time, whenever he asked when he was coming, I'd say he'll be here soon and if he said he hadn't seen him for a while I'd tell him he's been on holiday or working away.

It's heartbreaking to realise that even though they're there physically, you're gradually losing someone you love.

Sorry Aldom, you might gather I have had very little experience in this matter!