Need Advice on how to deal with strange questions from Dad with dementia

My late husband (vascular dementia) used to tell me his late parents had visited. I just used to ask if they were ok. No good telling him they were dead as he would just mourn all over again. His mother "visited" so often I began to think he could see something I couldn't!

Go with it I learned the hard way and started off with my Nan trying to explain why and what it doesn’t work at all go with what he’s asking if he wants his death certificate amended say ok Dad we ll definitely sort that out tonight
My Nan was convinced someone was stealing her money and accused a young lad visiting our house, I took him on one side and assured him not to worry he was fine and understood Next time Nan said it I said to her ‘how can you be sure it’s been stolen’ and she said ‘I saw my bank name on the note it said Bank of England and that’s my bank’ I told her we could put her money in a special place only she knew about and she was satisfied and forgot all about it
She use to keep telling me there was a child stuck under the settee my first thought was don’t be silly there’s no child there but I realised it was real to her so I moved the settee and freed ‘the child and she was happy
It’s a huge learning curve but my one advice would be go along with their thoughts do not challenge them they are VERY, VERY real to them

Lots of good advice on here, the best of which is "live in their world".

When my MIL started believing my husband (her son) was her brother, he "became" her brother whenever we were visiting. It made her very happy and they spent many happy hours "reminiscing about their schooldays".

My deceased husband's pal constantly asked how he was. When I responded with fact he became very sad and sometimes tearful and kept asking me. When I resorted to 'he's fine' all became calm.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sometime it just easier to play along with them , otherwise you just turn yourself in knots . It isn't a easy situation to be in . Keep your chin up .

I asked CPN what I should do about OH's delusions and he said to go along with it - but that was impossible as his delusions were terrifying for him (e.g. that he was being cut up and put down the sewer) so there was not way I was going to reinforce that and increase his terror.

CPN also said that paranoid beliefs are very hard indeed to shift and are held far more firmly than standard beliefs.

I think your response should reflect what is being said or asked. Where it does no harm to go along with it, or gloss it over with no comment, then that is the right route; where letting it pass as real it would be detrimental, then it needs disputing.

My mum was the same dad had been dead for 30 years but each time I visited her she would ask what time dad was come home I found the easiest way to deal with it was to say he was working overtime which she happily accepted but it's a very upsetting situation

Working with the elderly dementia patients is difficult. I found they have a short attention span and are easily distracted. Don't try to argue or correct them they get frustrated then. Try and agree even know if its nonsense and as a previous poster said placate with anything that comes to mind. It doesn't need to be true just keeps them happy that you agree and understand. It is so hard but gets easier with practice. Speaking a load of agreeable rubbish is quite acceptable.

I used to take my Grandad's tea into his room and he would say, "Where's my brother's tea? You do want some, don't you, XXX?" I used to tell him I'd be back in a moment with it and then disappear. Sometimes he'd say, "He doesn't want this muck either!" as he happily tucked into his.
He did this so often that like Blubber I did wonder if he could see something I couldn't.
He did get people muddled up with his dead family. My Mum became his sister who terrified him, was always after money and whom he really resented. He would verbally attack my mother with such venom and I couldn't leave them alone in the same room. My mother has a physical temper that is legendary and couldn't get her head round the fact that he had no idea it was her he was talking too. Honestly, I was like a UN Peace Keeper!

Good advise on here. Aphasia is very common when diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. Where you mix your words up and use the wrong word, but with word association. So as an earlier GN wrote he may mean another document but just calls it by the wrong name The same about your mother, have you had the ashes spread? or something else that has not been done in his mind. Talking to him about it in further details may give you clues as to where his mind is at that very time. Word association is hard because you never know where you are. you will often get a yes for no, a right for left and so on but cannot rely on it every time. I have been there for 8 years. Good luck with sorting these unusual requests. I really emphasise.

I don't know if this is any help to you but my mum had Vascular dementia and we had all these questions and assertions too. She often got upset because her mum (long dead) had phoned and accused us of stealing her money. My point is that as time went on this phase did pass and eventually she became very compliant. Just smiling at everybody. She died a few weeks ago and her last words were what a wonderful day she had had.

My late husband had dementia for five years so I do understand your problem. It is hard having to answer the same question ten times a day but this is what is going to happen and I found the only way was never try to explain because two minutes later he will ask the same question again having forgotten the answer. Above all it is useless to say I told you that already because again they won't remember.

Just reconcile yourself to the fact that this is how dementia works and accept it. The person you knew is still there but altered beyond anything you could have ever anticipated. I used to remind myself "for better for worse, in sickness and
in health" and I knew that if the roles had been reversed my husband would have cared for me.

They say you should never argue with a delusion. When he mentions Mum just say that the doctor will see her later. As for the Death Certificate say that it's being amended and will be in his hands very soon.

It won't always work, of course. Sometimes he'll be angry and remind you that said that last time. They live very much in the moment so a breezy change of subject, "Shall I make a nice pot of tea?" can sometimes take their minds off something that's troubling them for a while.

I understand your difficulty as I've been there, as have many on this board.

I had this with my uncle years ago. My mum was still with us then and she found it very hard watching her little brother with dimensia. He used to think she was his mum and I was his sister. My mum and him used to argue terribly because my mum kept telling him everything he was saying was wrong. I told her just to agree and go with the flow, that he wasn't realising what he was talking about, but she found it very hard. The worst thing was he started to swear a lot and my mum could not handle that at all, she was totally ashamed of him. He never swore in his life til that disease got the hold of him. Just go along with everything he says and if it was me, I'm probably being daft here, I'd type some kind of letter and pretend it's his death certificate just to keep him happy.

My Father has Dementia..we have been told to go along with what he says...not to correct him....that will confuse him more. You yourself could speak to the 'Admiral Nurses' they provide specialist dementia support, guidance and practical solutions for Families 0800 888 6678 they work 09.00 am to 21.00 pm Mon-Fri and 09.00 am to 17.00 pm during the weekend. Or you can send an email to [email protected]

Jaxjacky My late father used to get very mad when my mum came out with crazy questions or statements. He was angry about her dementia, almost as if she was doing it deliberately and he was grieving for his lost companion! I noticed a big change in him when he finally accepted the situation and agreed with her, as you suggested further up this thread, instead of arguing. He began playing her favourite Nat King Cole albums for her and singing along. It helped and relaxed him to some extent.

If possible just say that you have seen to his death certificate for him.

I don't think you will get anywhere with the common-sense approach.

Telling him all his papers are in order might just help. Otherwise tell him you are waiting for the registrar to get round to sending it back.

It is difficult, especially if you are dealing with this on your own, I hope you can get some help.

You do learn to talk 'love lies' My mum had Vascular dementia and I was forever making up 'lies' about various different things. She was always asking for her Uncle, who was like her Dad, and I would just say he had gone fishing (he had died many many years ago) and when she had her 'tea parties' and no one turned up I would suggest they had been round the day before and had got the dates muddled up. She forgot that my Dad, who had passed away was her husband and when she looked at his picture said what a nice kind man he was and couldn't believe she married him. She knew I was her daughter though. It was so hard but it kept her happy.
Talking Point in brilliant and there are many on there who are in a similar situation to yourself.

Sometimes its better to go along with things saying things like “ we will sort it out on Monday “ He will have forgotten the conversation by then ..seem willing to deal with the problem , just agree with things it will be less stressful for you. Trying to make people understand they are wrong it bad for you and the person who has this awful illness,
let it go over your head.
My Mum was the same xxx

My MiL had dementia and I would go along with her esp when it was possibly a childhood experience. I would ask her open questions frequently about an orchard. Meanwhile my husband and his sister would correct their mother. After her death going though photos I recognised a few things she has spoken about. Go along with ‘situation’,reassure and some days some real gems maybe revealed.

Bracken28

Oh how I feel for you!
I had this with my mother.
Eventually I came to the realisation that I would have to enter her world and even though I have a strong belief honesty it no longer served her as she did no live in our reality.
With questions about those who had died, usually her mother in my mother's case, I was able to say "She just popped int XX(local town) on the bus" my mum would never remember later to see if she were back. Similarly with quite illogical demands I would create a scenario that kept her happy. I might say to your dad for example about his death certificate "Oh I dropped it in at the Doctor's because it's not ready yet. He'll talk to you about it when he sees you."
I did not feel guilty about these lies because my poor mum could not live in our reality any more and it was more important to keep her from becoming anxious as she so readily did.

The Alzheimer's Society can be found on www.alzheimers.org.uk
I would definitely get in touch and see if you have a local group for Carers. I think they are wonderful.

God bless you and all who care for people with brain illnesses. I know how hard it is to see the person you know and love strangely changing and becoming distant. Try to be as accepting as you can. If our other organs can become ill such as heart or kidneys, then so can our brain. The brain is like the transmitter of the radio, receiving and sending out signals. Our loved ones are there somewhere but unable to make sense of the incoming signals or send out messages that express themselves as they did before. But we do what is best and right for them of course because we love them.

As most people say, go along with whatever is being said. My mother had two types of dementia, double the joy, and towards the end of her life got very distressed wanting to go home to her mummy and daddy. I used to tell her I'd be taking her home very soon. If she persisted asking why not now, I'd tell her the car was being fixed and as soon as it was ready we'd go. Sometimes I'd say we'd leave after a cup of tea. When her dementia was less bad we could have a laugh about how her parents would be over 130years old now, but that facility for humour disappeared eventually. She died a few weeks ago and I miss her.

My mum died of dementia. I know just what you mean.
Don't try to put him right over questions. Just agree with whatever he says.
It's far far less stressful . Believe me.

Aneeba, my mother was the same, wanting to go home to parents who’d been dead 30 odd and 50 odd years - the house didn’t even exist any more. She’d say, ‘They must be getting old and could do with some help.’

By then I was very adept at ‘love lies’! I used to say I couldn’t take her today, because the roads were very icy/closed because of a bad accident/my car was being serviced/you name it, ‘But maybe we could go tomorrow?’
That always kept her happy, or at least reasonably contented.

Now and then I’d even add that I’d give them a ring later to make sure they’d be in, because, ‘We wouldn’t want to go all that way and find them out, would we?’

It was a bit scary how I could trot this sort of thing out, ad lib!