Need Advice on how to deal with strange questions from Dad with dementia

My sister in law always tried to correct him and tell him she was dead, which always upset him.

My sister got quite angry with me at one point because I was lying to Mum about Dad, LadyStardust

He'd died and she had known but clearly forgot. She didn't want to see him particularly. She'd just ask how he was and we told her that he was fine

Sister wanted to be honest but the staff in the home agreed with me so I managed to get her to stop telling Mum that Dad was dead

It seems kinder to me to just accept and not cause any unnecessary upset.

Mind you I remember telling her that Shirley Temple had died. Good grief. I thought she was going to pass out with horror. She clasped her hand to her mouth and her eyes were like saucers.

In fact she was far more upset about Shirley's demise than anything else we discussed in the four years of her vascular dementia.

Speaking from (too much!) experience, just say whatever will keep him happy - it won’t be any good using reason or logic.
Don’t worry if it’s blatantly not true! In dementia carers’ circles they’re called ‘love lies’. So as regards the death certificate., I’d just say e.g., Yes, I sent off for that yesterday - or whatever is appropriate.

If his short term memory is very poor, he’ll probably forget whatever you say very quickly, so you can rinse and repeat.

Among other things, my mother went through a long phase of being convinced that her sister had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house (!) and would get really worked up about it.

Once I’d finally realised that even a signed and sealed guarantee from the Lord Chancellor wouldn’t have convinced her, I just started saying e.g., ‘Dear me, that’s terrible - I had no idea! I’ll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’
It always kept her happy, or at least not fretting about it.

I second a pp’s advice about the Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum. It was a lifeline for me when things were very difficult. There aren’t often any easy answers, but whatever you’re going through, someone will have been there - and at least you can let off steam to others who know exactly what it’s like.
People who haven’t lived with dementia so rarely do. (But all too often they think they do!) ?

Witzend I can remember reading your posts on Talking Point when I was struggling to deal with my mum and vascular dementia, though from my recollection you had a much harder time than me! What we have to remember is that our loved one doesn’t remember so telling them that someone has been dead for ages etc will only cause distress again and again. We have to rely on “love lies” or just evasion. It’s one situation where honesty is definitely not the best policy.

Thanks Grandmafrench sorry Kitty my Mum had vascular dementia for 10 years, she died September 2019, still, occasionally, a bit raw, although a blessing she went.

My mum had dementia too, jaxjacky. I didnt get on with her too well but it was very difficult.

I now volunteer for The Alzheimer's Society helping to facilitate Carer's courses.

And, I really should go on a keyboard course!!

From my experience with my Dad, distraction used to work well and a simple answer. When he ‘lost’ his driving licence he always asked when was he getting it back. I always said we had written to DVLA requesting this. It satisfied him until the next visit. Similarly he always asked me how his mother was and had I seen her recently. I used to say not for a while! To say she had been dead for 40 years would have upset him so much as in his mind he was just living away from her temporarily.
Very difficult for you. I fully understand. Stay strong!?

All forms of dementia seem to pose different problems like this. My parents both had it but with different symptoms. Dad ended up in the room next to Mum's in the care home so they would sit together in the dining room and lounge for the few weeks he was there. When he died we didn't tell her to save her the heartache and she didn't seem to notice - when we took her to the tea after his funeral as all our relatives were there she just thought it was a party and enjoyed all the fuss made of her. However she did say just as she was leaving someone seems to be missing She was very deaf and finding it difficult to talk by then so I often wonder just how much she understood.

I agree to just go along with your father's thoughts day by dad and agree with him and tell him you are sorting it out. The AZ forums are a great place for help and support - I was on it for several years and found it invaluable.

Some good advice here. Never try to correct someone with dementia. Just smile, agree and distract.
Our GP put me in touch with an EMI (elderly mentally ill) nurse and he was wonderful. Maybe they are called someone else now.
When I had a serious problem, I could leave a message for him and he would get back to me quickly.
Social workers were a nightmare.

Re distraction, I must say that it used to drive me mad when undoubtedly well-meant people used to suggest distracting my FiL with ‘a nice cup of tea and a biscuit’.
As if I was too thick to think of anything so simple!

Yes, maybe it would distract him - for maybe a minute - from whichever insistent bee was buzzing in his head. I once counted the same question 35 times in one hour!

The only way I found to cope was to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely, but mechanically. The slightest show of irritation was apt to provoke a furious rage - once so violent that I had to leave the house, and take the terrified dog with me.

Dementing people struggle with language. When he says "death certificate" might he possibly be meaning an advance directive(living will) ?

My DH has Parkinson’s and the associated dementia which is gradually worsening. He gets obsessive about unimportant things and I try to go along with it if I can, but struggle to be patient. I only tell him about forthcoming and events (medical appointments, someone coming for a cup of tea) close to the time in order for him not to want to be up at dawn getting ready - or even the day before. Nothing at all in the diary for the next four weeks, which is in some ways a relief.

Thanks for the information about the Altzheimer’s Society dealing with other forms of dementia. Really useful to know.

Sorry Aldom, you might gather I have had very little experience in this matter!

I agree with all the advice too distract and agree where appropriate Bracken.

My step father had vascular dementia and his son was killed in a motor bike accident on his way to see him. We told him what had happened but after that one time, whenever he asked when he was coming, I'd say he'll be here soon and if he said he hadn't seen him for a while I'd tell him he's been on holiday or working away.

It's heartbreaking to realise that even though they're there physically, you're gradually losing someone you love.

I do remember it coming as such a shock when my Fil first asked where MiL (dead over 10 years) was. Fairly new to dementia then, we explained very gently that she’d died years ago.
FiL was terribly upset - he cried.

After that we learned to say that she’d just gone to the shops, or to visit Auntie So and So. That always kept him happy - and by then his short term memory was virtually zero, so he’d forget whatever we said very quickly anyway.

Great advise here about distraction - that worked for us! ... But you need to make sure that you have support for you too, and your mental health. it’s so hard going through a situation like this with your loved one (who is more like a stranger at times, and your missing of the old them!) luckily I had my sister to talk and share it all with and the ‘trench humour’ got us through. My heart goes out to you, it’s such tough going sometimes. But you sound like you are doing a great job x

When my mum had dementia and was in a nursing home, she would sometimes ask where my dad was and why he hadn't visited her. (He was dead.) I used to say he had a bad cold and didn't want to give it to her or something similar. It usually worked. Before she went into the home though, she used to get very distressed because she thought people had got into her house and were hiding all over the place - in the fridge etc. And she'd rant on about my dad being there and how he was drunk and bringing lots of young girls into the house to have sex with and she could hear them running about and laughing. It was very upsetting and sad because my dad was 81, never a drinker and he loved her very much, and she was thinking these things. Dementia is a terrible illness.

I have managed a care home for the last 25 years. Your father is exhibiting exactly the same symptoms of dementia as my current and historic residents have. It is pointless arguing or trying to correct him. Best thing is to go along with what he says, like saying you have sent the certificate off to be amended etc. In a care home staff cope because it’s diluted by the other residents and staff and they go home after a shift. It’s very waring on someone who has it constantly. Just tell yourself that you’re doing a great job. Hopefully this phase will pass, as often the worse they get, the easier it becomes. Each phase has its own issues but some are less mentally draining. The last thing you would want is for him to be medicated. Enjoy still having your dad. I wish I still had mine.

My mother was convinced that somebody had stolen her house keys and lock her ou (or in). I found a lot of different old keys, put them on a key ring with a ‘special’ tag and told her to keep them safe in her handbag. It worked and she was very happy to check in her handbag daily to make sure they were there.

My Mum has dementia, I,ve found it's easier and less upsetting ,for both of us, if I agree with her and humour her. I used to try and reason with her, try and correct her, in the hope that I could bring her back to the Mom I knew but gave in eventually realising it wasn't going to happen. As long as she is happy that's all I can hope for.

I understand your dilemma, my father has Alzheimers and the things he comes out with are quite outrageous sometimes. He has conversations with my mum, who passed away several years ago, while I was with him. He doesn't recognise me when i go to visit and tells me to "f* off, I don't know you" I haven't been able to see him this year because of restrictions, plus he is 125 miles away. I would just go along with what he says, or he will be even more confused. I know it isn't easy, but you are definitely not alone. Save your tears for after your visit.

It’s not easy that’s for sure. Lots of good advice on here. You do have to become like a record and repeat the same things over and over again - eventually you do it automatically.
For distraction taking in an old photo album for them to look at sometimes works as they can have a relatively normal conversation about the photos.

My mother had Alzheimer’s and I realised I had lost my mum long before she actually died.
With mil we just tried to give her happy times. Although we knew she would forget something instantly just those few moments of happiness release endorphins which I felt had to make a difference to her whole person.

The Altzheimers Website has a forum which I highly recommend. I found it a great help when looking after my father who suffered from fronto temporal Altzheimers. I cared for him until February this year when he became violent and hit me and he went into care. He passed away in August.

In the 9years of decline he went through all the stages,
paranoia, losing things, accusing people of stealing, shouting at the neighbours, hiding hearing aids, wandering, forgot my mother had died, convinced that people were in the attic searching for his will, waiting for a legacy from his mother, distrustful, taking his food outside and burying it, getting up in the night thinking it was daytime.............constantly asking the same questions.

You cannot reason with someone who has lost the capacity to remember, Hetty58 wrote “Dads working late....”, use that technique it diffuses the situation and is less stress for you.

It’s hard, it doesn’t get better, it changes.
I do recommend the Altzheimers website for support and explanation of stages of decline.

Bracken28 welcome. I found that things became easier with my mom when I followed the advice not to challenge and to ''Live in the world your loved one is living in'. She no longer got upset and I was more relaxed. We had lots and lots of bizarre conversations - from my perspective - but she enjoyed them and that was all that mattered. Be kind to yourself. It's hard losing your father this way.

My elderly father-in-law was in a care home.
One day my husband took our adult daughter to visit her grandad. He was delighted to see her, and asked if her parents were still alive!
Husband and daughter were confused and upset, but I could recognise that father-in-law had "looked" at my daughter but "seen" me.
He was asking about my parents.