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Feeling guilty

(55 Posts)
Thoro Fri 27-Nov-20 20:48:17

I am part of a childcare bubble with my nurse son and heavily pregnant with twins DiL and their two year old.
My husband (we were both widowed and remarried 20 years ago - he is 75 with health conditions) has a daughter with husband and 9 and 12 year old living about 70 miles away. They usually come over at Christmas but this year we felt it would not be a good idea so they are not coming but my son, DiL and GS will be coming as they are local and already part of our bubble. My other two adult children will also not be coming.
I still feel guilty that I can see my family but he can’t see his - even though I know it’s being sensible.

endre123 Sun 29-Nov-20 14:41:04

If some families do meet up( even if it is a picnic in the rain or snow as it will be insanity to be indoors) we will all be paying the price of the few who have spread the virus to over 60s. Most families are having an online Christmas or giving it a miss this year to try and ensure no loved ones are in hospital in the new year, no family visits and maybe for many weeks.
The virus is mostly asymptomatic in children meaning most schools in my area are now infected and spreading it into families. It can be airborne for hours why we must have windowns open if someone out of bubble visits.
We need to protect those who live in our homes this year. And protect those elderly who want to continue shielding but find family pressure becoming unbearable.
My extended family are having Christmas by themselves this year but we will be sharing everything on line as we have for months. We lost a loved one to covid early on and we never want to go through that again. We know how the virus spreads, we know it can kill the elderly and if our hospitals become overwhelmed, we will see many dying in cars outside hospitals, like Italy a couple of weeks ago.

Saxgran Fri 04-Dec-20 23:44:07

I’ve never posted before so may be repeating an old old story. Forgive me if I am. I had 5 kids and gave up a great career as a doctor in my mid forties to be their full time mum. I retrained in my 50s and love my current life. I’m divorced from my adulterous husband. My eldest daughter now has 2 children and is very disappointed in me as an uninvolved grandparent. I see her as a bit of a princess. She has a fabulous well paid career, a great modern, faithful husband who took 6 months paternity leave but she’s always knackered and saying how tough life is with two little children.
I don’t want to look after young children anymore. I want to live my life. I wish she was a bit more robust and energetic. She knows this and it causes us both pain. I think she will eventually do what I had to do -give up her lucrative job to focus on her family. I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to sacrifice my career again so that she can have hers. I am a feminist and it sucks that women have to make these choices. But I can’t be the solution to her problem.
I feel like a rotten mother and grandmother and she certainly implies I am one. She thinks that other grandparents are doing much more for their grandchildren than I am. And some are! But I’m burnt out from a lifetime of caring for other people and I want to care for myself now.
It sucks. She’s just got off the phone all teary-eyed and said she won’t come for Xmas to punish me for not helping her out next week. To be fair, she’s moving house. But I live 2 hours away and she’s got a husband and 4 siblings if she can’t cope.

welbeck Sat 05-Dec-20 03:45:54

Saxgran, if she's got a great career, could she not get some paid help with the children, a nanny or au pair ?
i agree you should certainly not give up your career, she chose to have those children, their upbringing is her and husband's responsibility, not yours.
her comments are unreasonable. don't let her muddled thinking affect you. she's being childish.

Saxgran Mon 07-Dec-20 14:13:06

Thankyou welbeck. I drove up the next day(3hours with London traffic), took her curtains for the new house and took down some shelves and packed boxes, ate humble pie. . She had her SIL there to help her cope (just recovered from Covid). I’m immune suppressed btw but that never seems a consideration for her. Anyway, I tried. We talked about realistic expectations and I think I’m being written off as “uninvolved”. She’d put me down as emergency contact for my grandson’s new nursery when I’m miles away! Honestly.
I will continue to work it through. Two of her siblings are helping with the move. I’d say she’s well supported.