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(108 Posts)
Razzy Sun 03-Jan-21 13:11:31

My DH and I both have birthdays in Jan. I’ve never been bothered by presents, just happy to have enough already. My DH is the opposite and a bit like a 5 year old at birthdays. He has never done anything for my birthday, quite the opposite. He gave me a book for Xmas that I didn’t want, and don’t have time to read. I thanked him of course, even though I asked for no present or a charity donation. I get that he wants to give a present. But he almost always buys what he wants. The book he got me is one he wants to read. He knows I’ve still got books from last year I’ve not read. He got our daughter something he wanted for Xmas. I’ve asked him yet again what he wants for his birthday, and he says he’ll let me know. This means he’ll tell me the day before and complain when I can’t get it in time. He then asked what I want and I told him again. He then threw all his toys out of the pram. I think it is partly because he wants to tell everyone else what he bought me - that’s fine, buy me whatever! A charity donation in my name would be lovely but he refuses.
Anyone else resolve an issue like this?

Chewbacca Sun 03-Jan-21 13:20:46

Gift voucher for Amazon. Let him choose his own.

Jaxjacky Sun 03-Jan-21 13:29:52

I wouldn’t get him anything. He makes nil effort for anyone else, has done in the past and will continue do do so if you pander to him.

Galaxy Sun 03-Jan-21 13:32:15

I think that sounds quite unpleasant flowers

Calendargirl Sun 03-Jan-21 13:33:51

Cannot understand grown adults getting so worked up about a birthday.

We are not 6 years old for goodness sake.

When I was still at work, couldn’t understand why others wanted their birthday as holiday, I was glad if no one knew it was my birthday and it passed off as a normal day.

Daddima Sun 03-Jan-21 13:43:02

I’d say something like, “ You know, at our age, it’s getting more difficult to think of things, so why don’t we just settle for a nice card, and we can buy whatever we want for ourselves”.

Georgesgran Sun 03-Jan-21 13:50:33

Not a birthday person here either. Was mortified when DDs organized a surprise lunch with my girlfriends when I was 60! Got through it, but never again. My friend is obsessed with her birthday - went on a Nile cruise with her when she was 50 and Madeira for 60. DH’s S and BiL always went to Spain for their respective birthdays. She’s on her own now but still has to ‘push the boat out’. Luckily my DH is the same as me - so no hurt feelings here.

B9exchange Sun 03-Jan-21 14:06:16

Humour him. He enjoys birthdays and wants to give you something from him. You must be able to come up with a short list of things you will use during the year? Everyone needs a nice smelling shower gel, how about flowers, a shrub for the garden, a trip out for afternoon tea post vaccinations?

M0nica Mon 04-Jan-21 08:32:45

Sounds a very strange relationship, with a D(?)H who behaves like this. passive aggression. Wht else does he do?

Maidmarion Mon 04-Jan-21 10:10:00

Do what Daddima says... great idea!!!!

Genty Mon 04-Jan-21 10:13:52

Give him an empty box and stick a label on it saying ' To the man who has everything, heres a box to keep it all in'

Aepgirl Mon 04-Jan-21 10:17:59

Some of these suggestions are very negative and likely to cause problems in a marriage.

I think you should just say thank you, and put the book on your bookshelf along with the others.

jaylucy Mon 04-Jan-21 10:18:47

That is a good idea Daddima - shouldn't be too hard for your OH Razzy as he seems to do it already!
Or you and your DD could just wrap up what he gave you and give it to him, saying " saw this and I knew it was something you'd like"!
Or just give him something that you would like in return !

Bernie1964 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:18:54

Wrap up the book he gave you and present he gave daughter as he wanted them so much

Awesomegranny Mon 04-Jan-21 10:19:22

You are lucky he wants to get you something. If I was you I would ask for something he wouldn’t want like a spa day, a bit of pampering is always great or even afternoon tea out. I would love to be spoilt as living with someone who hates Christmas and birthdays so never get anything.

CleoPanda Mon 04-Jan-21 10:21:08

Oh dear! Sounds like a petulant child!
Is he just like this at birthdays?
I reckon it’s 30 years since my husband and I formally exchanged birthday or Christmas gifts. We both agreed that mostly, it was a waste of effort trying to find something for no real reason. Neither of us really needs anything.
What we do now is suggest treats to each other that we can both enjoy - new books, a DVD, a big bunch of seasonal flowers, afternoon tea, a weekend away, a new item of clothing each. We share these at a time close to each occasion. My husband said recently that it was the best decision we could have made. No pressure, no unwanted or unused gifts, just a treat to anticipate.
I know this would not work for everyone, but I love it.

chris8888 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:21:14

I think you are giving in to him for a quiet life not good for you. I would buy him a book by the same author he bought me. Tell him read or donate to charity shop I don`t care strop all you want .

Eve22 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:24:22

You say his gifts to you are what he wants, so the ideal gift for him would be what you want - a charity donation made in his name (or yours!).

RosieJ18 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:25:00

You are enabling this childish selfish behaviour. What’s stopping you buying yourself something or making a donation for your birthday .
He sounds like a spoiled uncaring brat. Why does he continue to do this year after year when he knows how it upsets you !?
Has he no love and respect for you ?
Do something that makes you happy ....... as we see from recent events all around us ....... life’s too short to put up with such nonsense.

Beanie654321 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:28:53

Ask for money then donate to charity. With lockdowns tell he has to give you the answer to what he wants now or he will get nothing. Sorted.

Hemelbelle Mon 04-Jan-21 10:29:32

It sounds sensible on his part to get you something he wants (the book); if you can't come up with options as to what you may like; although don't understand why he won't accept the charity donation in lieu of a present. Likewise, if he can't tell you what he wants, then it is his responsibility if he ends up with nothing or something that you want! What about an IOU for a meal out when covid restrictions reduce? Or luxury food that you know he likes. If all else fails put what you would have spent in an envelope for him to choose at his leisure.

Coconut Mon 04-Jan-21 10:32:19

Genty .... love it ! Brilliant suggestion.
And as RosieJ says, you are enabling this infantile behaviour. How selfish to give gifts that he actually wants anyway. He is not respecting you at all.
Halt the farce now and if he starts stropping, get your phone out and film him !
With all the other heartbreak going on in this world at present you should not be having to deal with this.

kwest Mon 04-Jan-21 10:35:00

A lot of judgement going on this morning. Every story has two sides. That is all I'm saying.

timetogo2016 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:36:13

Give him an empty box and tell him it`s an Action Man deserter,being that you act like a child i will treat you like one.

TrendyNannie6 Mon 04-Jan-21 10:37:15

Sounds all very silly to me