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Broken by my adult daughter

(42 Posts)
Elainecoley1957 Tue 12-Jan-21 09:51:54

Hello everyone
I'm searching for advice- can you help?
Long story short- I am 63 years old and working full time as a secondary school teacher- in school every day during lock down.
I had my mother living with me and my family for 5 years before she died in April last year. Despite dying from leukaemia- she was also diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder. I should have gone 'no contact' with her years ago- but her strangle hold was so strong I couldn't- instead I took her in to my home. The effect of her illness on me has been huge- I have had PTSD counselling.....
Since her death, I have struggled to come to terms with self loathing and guilt, but at the same time, I have worked my socks off trying not to be her- with my 5 children- I thought I had succeeded!
In the last 3 years my 25 year old daughter and her boyfriend have lived in my house for 2 years. They are still with us- they have been able to save a lot of money.
My 20 year old daughter has been with me since before Xmas with her boyfriend- both unable to return to Uni.
Just before Xmas, my 31 year old daughter arrived home from Spain. She was unable to return last Sunday.
She found it difficult living in the house hold and decided to move to her fathers until she is able to return to Barcelona.
She felt on the outside of things in my home- with 2 sets of couples etc.....I could only empathise with her and felt I had let her down when she left. We messaged each other about this and I communicated my theory about her 25 year old's behaviour- which at times is very judgemental. She is very arrogant and repeatedly tells me what she thinks of me.....
She went through my phone and read my private messages. She went straight to her father- he generally backs up her against me. I heard her shouting- went into the room. She had my phone in her hand and then started to scream at me. ' you are a F... shit stirrer, you are deluded, what you have said is vile and outrageous......I don't want you in my life anymore.....' it went on. I felt violated. I had no voice- she shouts over me and her father - trying to keep the peace- kept telling I had made a mistake in messaging my other daughter.
My younger daughter- became involved, and both now want nothing to do with me in my own home which I have given over to them for years now.
I spend my time in my bedroom when I come home in the evening. I clean up and do my household chores at 5:00am in the morning when everyone else is asleep.
I am broken by this behaviour- from both girls and from the lack of support from their father.
Please tell me what to do now. I feel like leaving.
Thank you in advance.

Dottynan Sat 16-Jan-21 13:44:07

Having a bullying mum all your life saps your confidence. For years I was not able to answer back to anyone treating me like a doormat. I would disappear off and sob. One day I turned on someone and was shocked to see their reaction. I have done it a few times since and now have confidence to not let anyone tread on me. You are you and your home is yours let them all go. One day they will come back with a different attitude to you.

Namsnanny Sat 16-Jan-21 13:21:51

Elainecoley1957 ... how are you?
I dont think you've written since your first post.
Has anything changed?
Please If you can let us know how you

jaylucy Sat 16-Jan-21 12:29:59

Oh I am so angry !
What right or reason did your daughter have for going through your phone in the first place ? Has she not heard of the word privacy?
You need to gain control, as hard as it will be. Maybe you have a friend that can back you up in this.
Set a few house rules - your home, your rules. If non of your daughters are happy with your thoughts that have been expressed on a PRIVATE conversation over your phone, they need to leave.
IMO, and sorry to be harsh, the daughter and boyfriend that have lived there for years "saving" for a house, really need to seriously start looking for their own home.
The daughter and boyfriend that should be at college -need to understand that they are guests in your home.
The one that started all this - she obviously expected to swan in and be treated like a lost child and when it didn't happen, ran to daddy where she could very well have gone in the firstplace!
When all is said and done, the only one that knows how your mother treated you is actually just you. Please carry on with the counselling. It will take time, but help you put yourself back together.
Oh, as for the ex husband? There is obviously a reason he is an ex and really has no right to have a say in your life.
Go girl ! You got this!

TrendyNannie6 Sat 16-Jan-21 12:13:50

Elaine Elaine Elaine, I would not be putting up with this crap, and nor should you! I’m horrified reading this, who do they think they are! They would be out on their ears if they were ours! You say your daughters very arrogant and tells you repeatedly what she thinks of you! What a charmer and what language to her mum! She saying or I should say shouting she doesn’t want you in her life anymore! Well there’s the door I’d say, I’d have packed her bags there and then, and you having to spend your time in your bedroom, and cleaning up at 5am!!! ( when everyone’s asleep! ) please Elaine just sit and think what you are doing! This is your house and you are pussyfooting around your bullying AC they are showing zero respect to you, obviously you are very worn down by this I am not surprised, please get someone to help you get them out,and you will feel such a weight off your shoulders, also elaine I’m concerned you have put up a lot of personal info on this post I’m hoping your user name is false, please take care of yourself and put yourself first, and stop living in your bedroom, good luck please let us know how you get on, I’d try and help you myself if we weren’t in covid times, and I lived near,

Baggs Sat 16-Jan-21 12:00:33

Sorry to be so blunt, elainec, but why on earth was your 25yo daughter able to look at what should have been private messages on your phone? You have a right to privacy. She is totally out of order but you should guard your privacy more carefully if only to avoid such screaming matches.

You should not leave your own house. Your daughters and their partners should.

Please get help with assertion.

Eviebeanz Sat 16-Jan-21 11:47:51

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child - probably a misquote but very true. Ask them all to leave...

jenpax Sat 16-Jan-21 11:35:45

Everyone deserves respect even if they have low self esteem!

jenpax Sat 16-Jan-21 11:34:55

Franbern Your friend’s son sounds a real arse! How could she deserve less respect due to HIS abuse

Franbern Wed 13-Jan-21 09:06:01

Could I ask how much rent these four people (daughters and their partners) pay to you?

I do know, from experience, how unreasonable some adult daughters can be -however, never would I have permitted such behavior whilst they are living in MY home.

How can anyone get into your phone? Surely you have a security lock on it!!!!

YOU should not be locking yourself away in one room, nor creeping around YOUR house at silly times to avoid them.

Lay down some house rules, YOUR rules, either they obey them or get out, THEIR choice.

One of my friends, used to take all sorts of verbal abuse from her eldest son. The more he gave and she took, the less respect he had for her. In fact, when I was there once and he was ranting and raving and swearing at her, he then turned and apologised TO ME for his language.

If you do not respect yourself then they will not respect you.
I am sure you would not have accepted this behavior from your children when they were small - do not do so now.

nanna8 Wed 13-Jan-21 08:16:01

Out they go. Be firm and strong with them. They are adults and it is time to fly the nest permanently. My eldest was hard work but once she had left we got on really well because she realised all the responsibilities you have as a householder. Eviction eviction eviction. Don’t let them wheedle their way round you they are affecting your health and well being. Get someone to help you evict them if necessary. Preferably someone big strong and unemotional.

Arsenal67 Wed 13-Jan-21 06:06:20

Hello, first post on here. I recently read a quote that said ‘don’t look back, you’re not going that way’. I think it is apt in your case.

So a 25 year old woman went through your phone, checked your personal messages and reported back to your ex? Your daughter has behaved like a 12 year old. Please do not put up with this.
Do not carry this burden.

In this scenario if it was me, I’d tell the lot of them you are moving house & downsizing.

Our daughter lives away from home. Her behaviour if I documented it would shock you. I have now decided that if a friend treated me the way she does then she wouldn’t be my friend. So we are very low contact with her.

nadateturbe Wed 13-Jan-21 05:51:51

My best friend lived like this. The more she let her daughters bully her the worse it got.
I advise you to give them in writing a short time limit to leave. After this time, if they whaven't gone, seek legal advice on how to remove them. And do get some much needed xounselling. Do not hide away. Live as if you are alone. It's your home. Time to assert yourself.

GrannyRose15 Wed 13-Jan-21 01:23:25

Give them an ultimatum - be civil or move out. Their behaviour sounds outrageous and you don't have to put up with it in your own home. i know it will be difficult to do but they are adults and need to know they can't treat anyone, least of all their mother, like they have treated you. Be strong!

welbeck Wed 13-Jan-21 00:30:18

don't ask them to leave. tell them. in writing.
if you make yourself into a doormat, people will walk on you.
stand up to them.
this is a kind of domestic abuse, and you can seek police advice and support. ring 101.
good luck.

Gwyneth Tue 12-Jan-21 23:18:48

Why don’t you ask them to leave? It’s your house. I would set a time limit and if their disgraceful treatment of you continues then they need to find somewhere else to live.

Alexa Tue 12-Jan-21 23:12:06

Dear Elaine, I do feel for you. You need someone in your home with you who could speak plainly to these horrible relations you have.

I think you don't have the nervous energy to talk at length with these great cuckoos in your nest. Could you possibly just say to whoever is currently bullying you "Bugger off!" ?

Armadillo Tue 12-Jan-21 21:07:15

My mum was very abusive. Sometimes you can pick up some bad things without knowing. One thing I learned is that siblings can end up closer to each other than to their parents and being closer in age share more with each other than they would with parents.
Its a really bad idea to talk about one child to the other but when you have a bad childhood it's hard to get it right sometimes.
Counselling can be so helpful when relationships break down. My mum says my counselling failed. Your mum probably would too which is a good reason to get it and get them out of your head.

Meaux Tue 12-Jan-21 20:40:53

Elaine, I am so sorry for all you are going through. It seems that for the longest time you have forgotten that you belong to yourself, not to everyone else. In order to live authentically you must be clear of your own values and principles and stand firmly on that ground. At the moment you are being tossed to and fro by everyone else’s wishes and demands. Maybe a counsellor will be able to help - it would be good to have someone outside of all of this to talk to.

We all have our paths to walk and, sometimes, the obstacles in our path ARE the path and when you come out of this you will be a much stronger person x

Spidergran3 Tue 12-Jan-21 19:31:07

Elaine, my heart aches for you, I wish I could give you a big hug. There is a lot of excellent advice here and I hope you have the courage to take it. I’m sure that once your daughters have had time to reflect on this time they will ashamed of their behaviour. 💐

V3ra Tue 12-Jan-21 15:54:38

So if the 25 year old daughter doesn't want you in her life any more, why is she still in your house?

"Feel free to leave, anytime soon" is what I'd be saying to her, same to the student daughter if she also thinks you're so awful.

Maybe their doting father would like to offer them both a home, plus the boyfriends of course?
Maybe they could each move in with their boyfriend's parents?
Or maybe not, hmmm?

They're behaving like Cinderella's Ugly Sisters...

Daisymae Tue 12-Jan-21 15:23:10

I think that you have this wrong, if anyone's leaving it should be them. It's high time that they flew the nest. As for reading your phone, that's a gross invasion of your privacy and should not be tolerated. Why are you going to your room? It's your house, if anyone's uncomfortable it should be them. I would stand up to them, if they don't like it point out the location of the door. Okay, so you may not be perfect, none of us reach that standard. We are doing the best we can and that's enough. I would stop being a door mat, time they showed some respect for all you have done for them.

Madgran77 Tue 12-Jan-21 15:21:59

This is so awful for you Elaine I have to ask what your presumably ex husband is doing in all this, seeing you so desperate and unhappy? (I assume ex as you said your eldest daughter went to her fathers). How does he treat you generally? Does he also make you feel small, inadequate etc? I am truly concerned that he is "allowing" you to be treated in such a way by your shared adult children, and not supporting you. Is he an influence on how your adult children treat you? flowers

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 12-Jan-21 13:50:37

I would throw them out first, then get the counselling, they are treating you like s**t and it won’t stop by you ‘having a chat’ with them , if you want to have a relationship with them they have to treat you as an equal, not someone to be taken advantage of.
And TBH you should have thrown out the one who looked at your Private messages on your phone, not let her stay
Time to get your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself, because it doesn’t sound as though anyone else will, except us on GN.

Nanadeeping Tue 12-Jan-21 13:39:31

I feel for you as I have been in a similar position. Please find the strength to put yourself first and put a stop to the abuse that you are receiving. Take counselling if you can. This will help you to collect your thoughts and put your situation into perspective but come what may your children must be made to understand how selfish and hurtful they are being. For your sake and theirs I hope you find a way.

Sickofweddingcake Tue 12-Jan-21 13:33:55

I can sympathise with you, Elaine,being in a similar position. My son is grown up,but was living with me! He was diagnosed with mental health problems and chooses his own medication: drink etc.
I reached a stage whereby I was staying in my bedroom to avoid any 'clashes' with him. The atmosphere at home...only us two in it... was unbearable!
He now has his own accommodation... I have moved to a small property.
It is early days, but the 'peace' is palpable!
I think it is time to fend for you and insist that they move on.
I hope you find some peace with it all. x