Jealousy over daughter's financial situation

What wise gransnetters ! As others have said, a sound and cheering thread to read.

My first thought was our hope for our two children was that they would do better financially in life than we did. I am happy to say this is the case they both earn a lot more than me or their dad ever have. But I think it’s down to us as they saw us working and providing so they have a wonderful work ethic. Saying that tho our daughter has no idea what it’s like to struggle financially although our son has been thru the mill with finances and is continually chasing the money.
Both their dad and I are very happy they are doing so well but also want them to have a good work/life balance although I know it’s not that easy sometimes. We are very lucky as when we moved house recently both children offered us money to help with renovations etc which we are trying very hard not to accept! Lol x

Thanks again for all the warm and kind replies. I think I did just need a 'hug' and I felt the virtual hugs from all of you. As many of you mentioned, I would agree that it is a generational thing with different ideas of spending than we had 40 years ago. Thanks again to all.

Maybe rejoice that they are not struggling. If they were, you may feel worse that you couldn't help out.

I think if our feelings or thoughts are tending towards the negative, distraction is the thing to find and do. Have you capacity and the energy to do voluntary work? Have you a hobby that could help you take your mind off your lovely DD spending? Have you Eve gone to church/synagogue/chapel, and might they need help there?

Good luck ‘schnackie’

I can understand what you’re saying.
It’s natural to feel a bit of envy and this is all it is.
We are all missing each other at the moment and often a hug just puts things right but we’re denied that.And we have too much time on our own to think.
Once the weather is brighter and we can get out a bit more this won’t be a problem. You’ll have other things to focus on.we all wish we weren’t envious at times, but that’s the thing, it’s only at times,usually when we feel low ourselves,so don’t beat yourself up.Just plod on as best you can.

Schnackie, I don't think anyone should blame you for seeing the disparity between your rather frugal life and your daughter's extravagant one. You are clearly trying not to burden her with your feelings and value the relationship over the money.

I am in a similar position. Nine years after I retired my DD, for whom I paid prep school fees and on whom I spent many tens of thousands for her education, now earns more than twice what I last earned after 34 years in teaching. She splashes the cash extravagently on meals, treats and experiences while I live pared to the bone and choose between heating and eating in winter.

Nevertheless, she is my darling girl and I don't begrudge her her money as she earns it and pays her dues and taxes. She is good and loving and buys me ridiculously lovely presents which I neither need nor deserve.

My own mother was very poor (all the cash in the house was spent on alcohol and cigarettes) and berated me as a 'Tory' because she thought that somehow I was 'rich'.

It's hard. Life isn't fair or equal but I do see the harm jealousy and resentment wreak. You, Schnackie, are neither but, like me, note the differences!

You say you don't want her money; if DD offered to give you money to buy curtains would you accept? My AC earn much more than I could ever dream of, have houses I could never ever aspire to and spend as if there is no tomorrow. I am happy to see how they have flourished and hope they continue to do so. I too have enough to keep me going but without frills. What would you want for your DD, surely what she has.

I can think of a few times in my life, when I have been really glad that a friend or relative is in a good place or appears to have more than me, and I would never want to see it taken away from them, but at the same time I would have liked to have had the same thing too. I am sure I can't be the only one.

Schnackie, it sounded as if you actually needed a hug when you posted. I hope the responses here made you feel as if we were all sending hugs to you. Our minds settle on these kinds of details when we feel a little bit lonely, where we can dismiss them in our usually busy lives. You are a good person and your daughter clearly loves you very much.

Well said URMSTONGRAN.

This young woman is just telling her mother all the exciting and lovely things in her life. Just like when she came home from school with paintings and pottery. She believes and trusts you must be so proud of her. Do you go to her house? Do you visit and say how lovely everything is? Your jealousy will start to show soon and she will be confused and bewildered. I doubt you resent your daughter having a lovely life but are just plain envious and i'm afraid starting to sound embittered. My three daughters are much better off than I ever was and am thankful.

If you can’t chat to your mum about what you’re doing, which includes buying things, who can you chat to?
I think it’s a sign of a lovely relationship. Your daughter tells you about her life without worry. She knows you are never judgemental and that you are delighted she is financially and emotionally secure.
The Lockdowns are doing all kinds of weird things to our thoughts and emotions - even to those who have been apparently handling things well.
Enforced isolation seems to cause extra introspection which results in odd reactions.
Definitely ask for the curtains, or a contribution for a birthday gift. That would be one niggle solved!

Love the idea of suggesting something to go towards a new set of curtains as a birthday gift. Envy even fleeting envy of those we love is an emotion that can creep up on us from time to time (mine slipped in when my lovely sister got her covid vaccine ? I'm over it now!).

schnackie, I've been both rich and poor during my life. I'm 'comfortable' now. The best, most precious times? Those cash-strapped younger family days - with four small kids, good health and loving husband - such a happy family!

Yes, in a way can understand as having brought up our 2 children + paying mortgage and both of us working was always a struggle. My daughter is a big earner but has a very big mortgage being on her own. But she gets the take-away coffee which we never buy for ourselves. Maybe a different generation. As any money we have put away over the years in savings are for things such a home repairs, a new boiler, or holidays which is no a great amount. If she herself ever had a child of her own (without being horrible) she would miss things like this and the high end beauty products + named brand perfumes when I go for the "lookalikes". So funny in a way. They smell just the same. It's life. I am afraid. Having said all this working from home she sometimes is still at desk + computer at 7pm.

I don’t think she sounds like she lives an extravagant lifestyle, yes she seems to be comfortable, but certainly not wasteful.
I think it’s generational, our children think things are essential, when we think they’re luxuries, and I dread to think what my frugal grandparents would have made of my spending habits!

Im sure Op IS proud of her daughter, though Newatthis.

*sense, sorry typo.

My mother-in-law also made nasty comments when we bought something and always 'cried poverty' which wasn't true! However, this is not your situation. My children have done very well and like you, sometimes it surprises me as to how much they spend. However, it is their money. I am so proud of what they have achieved and feel also proud to have been able to afford them a good education (which was very important to me) which has helped, (together with their very hard work also) get them where they are today. So be proud that your daughter is where she is.

Yes was going to say same, about the curtains, ask for them as a birthday treat, if you're asked what you'd particularly like, or if they're on the expensive side, say could be for birthday AND christmas for you perhaps??As for your DD im sure you are pleased for her, but maybe its more the way her dad was, so its 'not how you brought her up' but how he did, put more influence on material things perhaps? (Often,in the U.S, they appear to do that?) and the teens are formative years.But you seem to be fine with her now, so use that to maybe gently steer her away from that, teach in some ways that 'in Europe' (sorry, but i hate how those in U.S always talk like theres only the U.S and then lump all the rest in as 'Europe', not individual countries) we dont 'brag' about what we buy as its a bit rude. (Especially here in Britain) But do it in a way that's not a criticism of her, maybe comment if its someone on tv or in a paper or magazine etc..I'm sure she would then learn to 'tone it down a bit' on the spending/bragging front if she realises its 'not how its done here', hope I'm putting this across right.So you teach her something, but not to criticise her, does that make sence??

Its not her fault. Its understandable you feel hard done by but you worked hard to give her a better life than you had. I was brought up more or less feral due to mums extreme mental health, We didnt have many social workers in the 1950s. But I wanted my children to have a different experience. Both are doing well, they have families, good jobs, a middle class lifestyle, more than I ever had. I'm just glad they are comfortable and can afford things. After a shaky start and disastrous relationships , I got myself into a good job with the NHS and am now retired with a reasonable pension I don't have lots but I take pleasure in my 6 lovely grandchildren. Money isn't everything. You wouldn't want your daughter to lose the comfortable lifestyle she has would you? Best to push the thoughts away and be glad she is going so well.

I so know how you feel. They're all getting on with a different kind of lifestyle to the one I had growing up, and now widow for 31 years getting by. Emotionally I am just about getting by, and financially I know I can pay all my Bill's with a little left over. I try to be happy for them, and I love them all to bits but..... so I do feel for you. Let's take our pleasure in the small things. I go for a brisk walk, and try to focus on what I have, not what I don't have. Sending you my very best wishes.

Apparently we are all only 'five steps' away from having nothing i.e. losing everything. Try to be proud of yourself that, despite, all your struggles you achieved bringing up a DD so successfully and rejoyce in what you managed to do for her. there is no greater gift

I am pleased that both my AC have much more disposable cash than we did at their ages. I wouldn't like them to struggle like we did, however, I am sometimes bothered by how much one of them 'wastes'.