Lockdown video calls

My son brought us a portal for Christmas to speak to the grandchildren. We only speak a couple of times a week over Whatsapp and change our voices/faces and I agree with TillyWiz its alot more fun for the children. Spend ages laughing.

OmaForMaya the bond might not be broken - that does sound a bit dramatic, but what has happened for many of us is we have become less relevant than we were before, if previously we'd been helping with their care or doing things with them. One tends to have reduced interest in interacting with people who are less relevant to us. But it doesn't take long to rebuild relevance.

I know how you feel 2beaut. We FaceTime every 2 weeks with a phone call in between ours are 2 and 5 last week they looked at us and both pulled their tongues out then ran off ! The older one came back for a couple of minutes, then said she was going upstairs to read. The little one, just kept trying to get dads attention in the background. It’s not a natural scenario at all is it, and I don’t feel we have a bond either now, there’s no affection shown towards us at all, we’re normally there would be lots of hugs and kisses.So sad.

We have 2 long distance GC, 5 and 2.5.

I try to call them just after dinner when they are not yet tired, or on a Saturday morning. Catching them at the right time is important. The younger one was getting a bit uninterested in facetime up until Suggly the Bear came to our house! He's a silly bear that sounds almost like Grampa;)

Getting a puppet or a stuffed animal, or singing silly rhymes will get their interest, if even for a few moments. Or make something with lego and show them your creation, and challenge them to make something for next call. I just let them know that the front of my fridge was empty and needed a picture, and could he (the older one) please send one.

The thing that I think is most important is the recognition when we do get to go down for a visit, they run right into our arms because they know the sound of our voice.

Keep trying to engage them in little ways.

Fortunately we’re in a childcare bubble with two of our DGS, so see them every week. Just as well, as none of our grandsons (aged 8, 7, 5, 3 and 1) have taken to video calls. We see them monkeying about in the background and they’ll occasionally zoom in to give us a close up of their tonsils or their left nostril. We might get treated to an impressive belch now and again. I don’t think for one minute they’re missing us as we miss them and I’m equally sure that we’ll pick up just where we left off when we get to the end of the tunnel.

They do engage when we organise a Zoom quiz or treasure hunt for them all to take part in (clues or little prizes hidden round their respective houses by their parents beforehand). Even the three year old joins in with a little help.

2beautbrownies I feel your pain i get stilted video calls bless them only 4 and 6 but tge other granny is in a bubble with them .She sees them 3 ir 4 times a week I can feel our previous closeness slipping away .So sympathise your not alone x

No suggestions about the 2 year old I’m afraid. My 7 year old dgc has an d iPod that has been handed down to her. She loves sending messages on it (contacts are strictly controlled) and then decides she wants a video chat, even if it only lasts a few minutes. Could this work for you?

We use Caribu with the 6 year old, and after a few stories or some colouring in we can get involved in all sorts of chats, she took me (via the ipad) on a tour round her dolls house one day! the 3 year old twins are a different matter, the little boy is very 'in your face' on a zoom call, and shows us all sorts of antics, but his sister doesn't usually say much at all, often refuses to look at us, they are all different! But at the moment the time difference to Aus makes any calls tricky, its 11 hours so when we are getting up they are often in bed already, when the clocks change we can get to do bedtime stories again. In the meantime we chat to our daughter and SIL, the kids show us things. We also send them cards every few weeks, they love getting letters. They sometimes do drawings for us and post them to us. DD sends lots of pictures via Whats App, but we don't have much to take pictures of at the moment!!

It’s so hard isn’t it when you can’t see the children and the younger they are the more difficult it is. I’ve found that it works best when they video call me and we chat about whatever they want to tell me but I also accept that it’s ok to say bye I’ve finished now after a very short time if that’s what they want. My 4 year old quite often calls now for a quick chat, sometimes to tell me what she’s been doing, sometimes to play a game together or sing and sometimes to show me something. She is allowed to take the kindle into her special place in the hall - her choice of place - so that we can talk in private she says! Sometimes she disappears for a bit and says Just talk to yourself until I get back! Her sister who is 13 calls a couple of times a week for a chat. Again her choice and we discuss school, her friends, what to wear etc. I am very grateful but would never take them for granted. Take whatever they are prepared to give is the only advice I can give.

2beautBrownies

Thanks for these responses. I am sure that the only contact with our grandchildren via video calls is causing anxiety in many cases. It is the only contact so of course it creates issues. I ask for a call every fortnight so it is not a case of overload. The children are asked if they want to speak and they say no. The bond of course is broken. I used to ask to see their toys as a topic to gain their interest.Sometimes I merely ask to say hello to them or wish them sweet dreams. The bond of course has diminished so much that I appear like a stranger. If short video calls are not working it is a case of hoping to rebuild a bond hopefully when I can see them outside.

2beautBrownies I think you're being more childish than your 2 year old grandchild. To say that '*the bond is now broken*' is absolutely rediculous. Kids are unpredictable little menaces who ...surprise surprise... don't always conform to our rules. I have a grandchild who was born and raised abroad ...now aged sixteen and it still can be a five minute Skype when her dad is on with me. Notice I say 'her dad' my son. My lovely DIL can be known to come on for a little while and then go off and let me have some time with my son. I take no offence at that because she knows I love her. Any lack of conversation on camera never bothered me when GD was small and we now have a lovely warm and fun relationship mostly by text these days. I cannot wait for safe travel to be allowed again so that I can go and give her a big hug. If you break the bond with your GC now because of your problem you will be a much bigger loser in the future.

We have two sets of grandchildren we don't see due to lockdowns. Two boys aged 11 and 8, and a 6 year old girl, 3 year old boy and a 5 month old baby we've never met. Normally we see the two boys weekly and they both missed us during the first lockdown, but now the oldest waves "hello" (they are both autistic) and that's it. None of the others are keen to speak for more than 2 minutes. I think it's normal. The 5 year old and the 3 year old sometimes say they want to come and see us but they're not interested in talking. The 3 year old will occasionally sing us a nursery rhyme. It's nothing personal they just like to play. I try and send a little letter every few weeks, or a card with a picture they might like, a flower or a dinosaur, occasionally a book or a few sweets, or some felt tips. I think the odd "bribe" reminds them of you and previously good times together. Try not to get upset. Good luck.

You should try having a video conversation with my five year old grandson.
It’s impossible as he won’t sit still. I sometimes get a call to watch him teasing the cat, or building a den - which is lovely, but generally, he’s too hyper to sit and talk.
I think expecting a two year old to engage in conversation is unrealistic.

Children are as fed up without physical contact as we are, so I can understand why they don’t want to talk to a screen. My grandson just says ‘Hello Nannie’ then carries on with what he was doing. Fine by me.

Oh dear, I do feel for you! The thing is, at 2 and 7, they just aren't equipped to understand that Nana misses them and may be very lonely. I keep in touch with some of my family via video calls. But not every day. If they do something special I love to hear about it, but even when they visited me at home I didn't expect them to engage with me every minute!
My son and daughter in law have their single-parent friend and her six month old son in their support bubble, so he's there a lot and is always the one most excited to see my face on the screen! We've never even met in the flesh but the way he interacts with me is wonderful! You just can't fathom children! Just let them do their own thing and they'll soon want to tell you all their news!
You may be a bit miffed too, that their other Nana sees more of them but they may ignore her most of the time too! Could you maybe make contact with her, tell her how much you miss them, maybe that you feel you're losing touch and can she think of something you could maybe send them that they'd appreciate? Contact with anyone is so important these days...

There is a wonderful website called TheLongDistanceGrandparent.com. She has all sorts of tips and tricks to engage your grands on video calls! Do check it out--it's made such a difference in my calls with my grandchildren.

Another big fan of Caribu here.

Seems to be the norm. Children don't sit down for conversations normally why would they do it for a Zoom call. A couple of minutes if you are lucky or a wave and a 'hello in the passing is enough for them. Don't stress, you are not alone.

We use CARIBU to interact with our 4yr old GS. It’s a phone/IPad App that allows him to choose a book from the online library... we are then both looking at the same book ... he swipes and turns the page and I read ... our faces are also on the screen so it’s a fully interactive experience and we talk about the story and illustrations ... there are also puzzles. He loves it and always asks for more whereas before he was very restless and barely engaged. The App is free at a certain level but we have registered fully which is about $9 a month... we were then able to also invite our son and family. It has completely transformed our FaceTime chats. So worth it .. it covers ages 4 -7+ and they can also use it alone... we find it excellent.

Your grand daughter at 2 is a little young to understand the situation. She is used to seeing you in person and perhaps can't see why all she's got is a talking photograph. It can be frightening. Just leave her to watch eventually she will want to say something. The 7 year old might just be bored with the whole thing. It's not you. Just speak to your daughter and leave them alone they'll soon have something to say.

My gc are 2 and 5. The 2 year old pops in and out when he feels like it. We never have made regular calls and I am fine with that. My son calls when the 5year old wants too. Most calls involve her drawing, we take it in turns to suggest what she can draw. It works better this way as she only gets involved when she wants too. Their parents are very good and speak to us regularly , send us photos and videos. I miss them terribly but we will get together and I will make up for the missed times. They won't stop loving you just because they don't want to always do video calls.

You have to understand that children have no concept of hurting adults until the are much, much older. I have always taken the view that I would rather have contact with children and adults when they want to see/talk to me than to know they are there under sufferance.

Have been running a Brownie Pack, and while Zoom meetings work for some, my lot didn’t want to know. Needed something specific to do eg sock puppets. Needs a lot of support from someone over 18 in the same room.

I spoke to my DiL about this just yesterday, we decided that she would give me a list of books that they have at home that my GD likes (she is 3) and I will get the same ones here, and we will arrange for me to read her a story and my GD willhelp her to follow along in the same book. We also researched a calling app called Caribu that has books on it that she can see and we can read to her as well as games we can play together. Havent tried it yet but will do. Talk to the parents and ask how a call could become fun.

2beautBrownies

Thanks for these responses. I am sure that the only contact with our grandchildren via video calls is causing anxiety in many cases. It is the only contact so of course it creates issues. I ask for a call every fortnight so it is not a case of overload. The children are asked if they want to speak and they say no. The bond of course is broken. I used to ask to see their toys as a topic to gain their interest.Sometimes I merely ask to say hello to them or wish them sweet dreams. The bond of course has diminished so much that I appear like a stranger. If short video calls are not working it is a case of hoping to rebuild a bond hopefully when I can see them outside.

The bond is not broken.
But children have so much screen time now for schooling, that something that was once a treat is now a chore.

This has nothing to do with how they feel about you. Honestly it doesn’t.

Just roll with the punches and remember they are adapting differently than we do. Don’t make it dramatic.

I gave up trying to video call my 2 GDs in NZ as they never really wanted to talk and ended up fighting or going off. In the end it was more upsetting than never seeing them?