Overnight Visits

Is this your daughter and do you regard her mainly as your grandson's 'mom'?
If so, can that be changed?

I think mediation is a great idea.

Not sure what country you are in but your post sounds as if the initial placement was done formally so go back to those that did it. I can understand mum being anxious about bonding but, equally, the child should not suddenly be severed from your contact

you need counselling together without rancor or blaming. Talking therapist

Probably best to compromise rather than potentially have a protracted legal battle about the exact terms of your access?

She may be feeling very insecure and wonder whether her son loves his grandparents more than her. She's maybe comparing her situation with that of other parents she's met and feels she falls short - either due to the past circumstances or how her relationship with him is at the moment.

Would it be best to allow her to stay over too or just spend a few hours with them together at the park and praise her for what she does well ( with out being OTT). Maybe saying positive things to your GS about his mother in front of her will build up her confidence and reassure her that you don't want to undermine her or take her son off her again. If she's able to relax with you for a few hours, you can probably get her to leave him with you part of the day while she does something else, then build back up a step at a time to having him overnight on his own again.

It must have been very difficult for everyone involved and, if your daughter agrees to it, maybe mediation/counselling/family therapy/sessions with your church pastor.......... would help everyone.

Anything you can do to build her confidence and show her you love her too, will make her a more confident parent and be good for them both.

Very well done on looking after your GS for a year. I'm exhausted having a wee one for one night these days. It must have been physically and emotionally draining but shows how much you love them.

Blessings and good luck to you all.

Sadly, the Mother seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment. Take it from me..... if this goes wrong and her insecurity worsens for any reason, you could end up like us..grandchildrenless. Be very careful to include the mother in everything, even make a fuss of her, encourage interaction between you all. Give her no reason to feel jealous or insecure of your relationship with the little one. It will pay off in the end as she becomes more secure.

You need to seek legal guidance I'm afraid as this was a 'failure to protect' case. Mum probably feels guilty and your natural instinct is to protect the child. Maybe suggest one night a week sleep over so mum can have a break. You pick child up from school/nursery and they stay over & go back to mum the next day. Once restrictions are lifted, go out as a family and let mum be the mum to the child while you step back. She was lucky you were able to have the child or they would have gone to foster care and maybe even adoption. Mum no doubt realises this although not showing it

Why was the mother unable to look after her child to start with?

I agree with Helen 2020 try and avoid the legal route if possible unless you feel that your Grandson could be in any danger . Hope you can keep lines of communication open and you have my sympathy as you only want to help your Grandchild.

I think your Grandson needs you in his life so I would continue to `fight` to have quality time with him without the mother there. He needs to know he can rely on you, I think a jealous mother must have some other deep rooted issues too.

Are you UK based? I notice you said 'mom'

Your GC has mainly only known you as a carer from a very early age. You don't say how old he is, but the fact that he has been staying overnight for some time means he sees you as the stable part of his life.
You don't say why you won't have his mum stay with you at the same time , but one thing I must say, that both you and daughter seem to be doing, is that your GC is not a possession.
Your job now is to take a step back and act as a support for your daughter, rather than expecting to have 100% notice from your GC.
In the UK we have "supervised visits" where a third party is present , usually away from either home. Is this something that can be arranged? Would it be possible at the very least, for a properly qualified person to be present during visits. someone that your daughter can trust? Someone that can actually teach your daughter how to be a parent?
Don't make it into a war of the child as it is beginning to be, even with your best intentions. There will only be one person damaged ...........

It sounds to an outsider as if you are trying to sever a bond between mother and child. When he's older, he'll see that for himself and you'll be in danger of losing him for ever. If you're looking for advice, mine would be to build bridges with Mum, however hard it seems. If you're looking for approval, I doubt you'll get much here.

I don't have a medical background, but as a teacher I have often been aware of the kind of situation your family is in.

I think for the time being you will have to accept that the child's mother can dictate that he is only with you if she visits as well.

It sounds as if she either is jealous of the child's attachment to you, or insecure and feeling that her son prefers you to her. These feelings are difficult for both you and her.

The only way to cope is to try to make her feel more secure as a mother by trying to do things that include her when you are all together.

Obviously, we don't kno w the whole story - are you living in the UK, or somewhere else?
There has been a very extreme situation for the social authorities to remove a baby from h is mother and place him in care. It is good that the child was placed with his grandparents rather than with strangers, but even so, his mother is probably terrified that he will be taken away from her again.

You say the child's father was the problem and has now been deported, so obviously there was something very unpleasant going on, which I am sure must be difficult for both you and your daughter to get past.

Concentrate right now on improving your relationship with her as the child's mother by making it clear that you are not trying to usurp her position as his mother, nor are you a spy for the social authorities who decided originally to place him in care.

I hope you can reach an agreement so the child still is able to visit, but please, try to include his mother to start with.

Such a awful situation to be in. All very well for people to say back off but that eould be terribly hard to do as obviously you really love your gc. I have a gc and daughter. I find daughter and sil so very jealous. Daughter was spoilt and thinks this should carry on for ever. Seperated from gc as I am now with covid. I am really struggling, she is really all I have. I hope you get it sorted. Maybe you can try patting the daughter on the back all the time. I find I have yo rediculous I know but if it means I see gc I will do anything.

My son is going through trying to get a court order to see his son who he has shared 50% of the time for 2 years until November when his ex stopped all contact when he got a new girlfriend. I've not seen my grandson since November either. I've sent him presents and cards, asked the ex if I can speak to him to which she said to wait til court and so I sent him a letter. I have sought advice and as my son is trying to get a court order and I will then see him if hes successful there is no more I can do at the moment. I would probably have said once give her some time but not now. Its sad that people have to go down the legal route and some can't put their children first. It's not your fault you have built up a bond with him and why should you give up your time with him. He obviously loves spending time with you and by the sound of her I wouldn't want her staying in my home. Agree one night a week and if she is still awkward take it further.

I'm very confused with this posting. Not clear who is who.
Daughter
DiL
Who was deported ?

I presume shes your daughter- maybe at the crux of it is that SHE wants your attention now as well, and does not know how else to get it but by demanding she comes too?I am a bit worried/mystified about her comment "because you're mine!" to the child, but it depends i guess, on if she has 'possessive' tendencies/thoughts,or if she's always felt unwanted by you, -or if any of that was one of reasons he was placed with you- any mental health reasons on her part i mean?- you could go back to court over the court order- or contact where they issued it i suppose? But that might make it worse- how about making it ONE night once a month- then telling her in no uncertain terms that THIS is your GS's visit- that you need to use it to give his time to you, and vice versa- as she has his time& attention ALL the rest of the month- POINT THAT OUT TO HER- as frankly, up to now you have not done? No more pussy- footing around her, tell her straight.Then when he's in bed, give HER some of YOUR attention too, as HER parents?! Ask how she really is, how she's coping, managing etc, if she gets out & about, has time for herself, etc etc, or just wait on her a bit, cook a meal for you all, that kind of thing- like you care about HER as not just a means to have her child to see you? Maybe that's what she wants/needs but can't ask for it?Try it and see.If not, you have no option left but go back to court & get them to lay down in law EXACTLY what she needs to do to comply with that order- if she's to LEAVE child alone,without her, at your home, then so be it.She must then comply with it.But try the 'be nice to her too' method first.You might get to enjoy time with her in the end.?

I think if I had taken my DD to court to get a visit from my GC, she wouldn’t want to see me any time soon.
My GCs are lovely but I still want to spend time with my DD.
I think that your daughter has a lot of making up to do with her child, you have had him for a year and I’m sure she is grateful for all you have done, but now is her time to care for him, it doesn’t sound as though you want her around which is sad.

Speaking also from 'other side' (as a parent, whose in laws tried to 'possess' my sons time& attention &visits by demand for years)! if you try get ALL his attention and cut her out it WILL get her back up.And then shes less likely to want you to have time with him.Also GC will slowly turn away from you & support his mum more.Its a natural thing.

Im glad someone else noticed this was very confusing. I haven't see my grand children for 14 months and unlikely to see them until after this Summer when everyone is vaccinated. Where I am it's illegal to have people in your house that don't live there and although small children are back in school if grand patrents meet them in a park they are risking to be filmed and on evening tv that night!
The virus is 75% more infectious than it was last September, 35% more deadly, why we are in lockdown. We are seeing some very stupid people out and about without good reason, they are putting themselves and their families at risk.

As she seems to have had a traumatic time since the birth of your Grandchild she sounds like she is craving some attention for herself. Maybe when they both come over you could leave the child with her Granddad while you have quality time with her and then vice versa.

You can’t force her about this situation after all she is the mother and what she says goes. Back off and see what happens then. She’ll probably be contacting you when she wants time to herself.

It could be that she is afraid that having him 2 days a week, you are in a position to get access/custody again. You maybe need to be reassuring.

Also if her DH has been deported, she may have extra time on her hands. It might ease up if she finds something to do during the day. She will possibly meet people locally and make friends.

Good luck ?

Having him 2 days a week could be confusing for him. He needs to transfer his primary attachment to her. You and your partner aren't second and third parents. Once a month should really be sufficient.

At the end of the day this is your grandson and a he's too young for his opinions to be taken account of, his mum gets to set the rules around who sees her child and when unless there is a court order in place but as things stand right now grandparent DON'T have RIGHTS over seeing their grandchildren and in my opinion, rightly so. In autistics where parents are estranged, the absent parent doesn't have any rights either, it's the child that has the right to say yes or no ultimately which is why courts get involved when the children are too young to legally have a say.

You're going to have to advise by your daughter's 'rules' and bide your time until she either changes her mind or a court overrules her but be very careful about alienating her further by going to court, I can almost guarantee she'll pull even further away and the only way you'll be able to get the courts to rule in your favour is if you're prepared to REALLY slag her off, which her child will eventually find out about and may even pull away from you themselves if you bad mouth their mum!