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Overnight Visits

(64 Posts)
Chief14 Fri 26-Feb-21 13:28:38

So our grandson has been staying overnight at least weekly since a month after he was born. He was placed in our care for his first year and then returned to his mom and then we had to "fight" for continued time with him and mom agreed to overnights 2 nights a week. Now she wants to end that. We are willing to give her the space she wants and suggested only once a month for 2 nights and she doesnt like that either and says she only wants him to stay if she stays. Also she doesnt like that when they come to vist he pays more attention to us than her. Does anyone have any experiance like this and what did you do?

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 26-Feb-21 13:35:27

Why cant the Mother stay with you as well?
Maybe she doesn’t want to be apart from her child again as you had him for 12 months?

Chief14 Fri 26-Feb-21 13:42:37

The problem is that when she is here she doesnt want him to interact with us only her so we don't really get to spend time with him. We did have him for 12 months cared for an injury and got him through failure to thrive and have a very close bond with him and she is trying to sever that bond.

Septimia Fri 26-Feb-21 13:46:35

It looks like she's jealous of your relationship with him. Does he have to stay overnight or could he just visit for a day or a few hours? Or you collect him and take him to the park?

As all the relationships settle down over time, he might ask to stay and his mother might feel more confident about letting him.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 26-Feb-21 13:49:05

Maybe she is trying to get him to bond with her?
If he is in your house then you are spending time with him, but they come as a package, she is his mother and I suspect is wary of you .
Your bond is as a Grandparent not his Parent, he will always be special to you and I’m sure you will be special to him, but I think that 2 nights every week is to much for her to cope with, 2 nights per month with her as well is doable.

Chief14 Fri 26-Feb-21 15:00:02

The problem is when she comes here she just tries to start .....problems is the best way to put it I guess. We did feel that every week wasnt exactly fair to her that's why we backed off. The problem is every time we ask if he can stay there is a new excuse the latest was my dad doesn't want to see him after he visits you. She did say she would come with him a couple of times a month for the day and she would call once a week...that never happened and on her last visit he said.." mommy why are you looking at me" her response..."BECAUSE YOU'RE MINE!"Kinda strange

cornishpatsy Fri 26-Feb-21 15:49:46

It is a sad situation for you. You must try to go along with whatever she wants as she has the power to stop contact altogether which would be bad for you and your grandchild.

keepingquiet Fri 26-Feb-21 16:21:07

Chief14 in what way did you have to 'fight' to see your grandchild?
Is this your daughter's child?
How old is your grandchild?
Sorry for being nosy but I may have to negotiate with my son and his partner for access soon and I don't know how it will pan out.
It sounds as if she is still happy for you to see GC but on her terms. I think you may have to concede, or even keep a low profile until she gives in?
I'm interested to find out.

Chief14 Fri 26-Feb-21 16:21:16

Not really because fortunately or unfortunately we have a court order it was the only way to maintain contact.

keepingquiet Fri 26-Feb-21 16:40:11

So you had care of the baby but afterwards had to take out a court order but the baby has been staying with you every week? Forgive me for being a little confused- can you not see GC except in your home?
I'm interested in how the court order process works in case I also have to 'fight' to see my grandchild.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 26-Feb-21 20:05:31

OP is possibly in the US where it seems that GrandParents have rights that we don’t have in the U.K.

Chief14 Fri 26-Feb-21 20:19:40

He was in our care for the first year of his life and as the "policy" is ALWAYS reunification he went home when dad who was the cause of the whole thing was deported. Mom made it clear to us that we would not see him anymore so we were forced by that action to seek legal council. Now we understand that she is mom and he should be with mom the majority of the time and time with us should be visits but it was clear this action was the only way this would happen. We fully expected that our time would be at best maybe a weekend once in a while and were willing to except that. However mom offered weekly visits which of course we were happy with but very soon she didn't want that and began a weekly campaign of harassment about the plan she proposed. I am just wondering if there is anyone on here with a medical background that can offer some input on this situation.

Smileless2012 Fri 26-Feb-21 20:31:07

As you already have a court order Chief have you taken any additional legal advice?

Chief14 Fri 26-Feb-21 21:58:16

Not yet as we dont feel we need to just yet but we are trying to work with. We are just trying to apply as much common sense as possible as I have found that it is rare today.

Lesley60 Sun 28-Feb-21 10:37:42

Is this woman your daughter

crazygranny Sun 28-Feb-21 10:39:47

This sounds like a very intense and fraught situation at the centre of which is your love and concern for the little one. This feels like a situation way beyond the scope of general family stresses and strains but I am sure your situation cannot be unique. To a complete layman like myself it sounds as if you could do with help from family mediation. This isn't just a question of defining rights of particular parties you need a workable solution. Could they help you?
Wishing you all the very best and thanking you for your generous support for a vulnerable little boy and his mother.

ayokunmi1 Sun 28-Feb-21 10:42:50

If there are no longer any safeguarding issues.
I would say to harden your hearts and call the bluff.
If there are concerns then contact SS.
Do you really think she can do without your support most likely no.
Do you think she's playing all of you and enjoying all the attention regardless of the emotional stress Its causing the child and family? definately yes.
Decide do you want to continue with this game or give time so she comes to her senses and seeks you.
Sometimes scarcity is a very good thing.

Paperbackwriter Sun 28-Feb-21 10:48:27

She'll be back when she wants a bit of space. I'd back off for now.

Awesomegranny Sun 28-Feb-21 10:48:45

Maybe she feels it’s disrupting routine and it takes your grandson a few days to get back to normal after paying you a visit. No doubt you spoil and give your grandson lots of attention which is only natural, I would but going home to Mum is probably hard as she has to set the daily rules.

Maybe agree for Mum and grandson both to come, hopefully she’ll get fed up with staying with you and prefer weekends to herself once she has a choice. Hope it works out for you amicably.

lemsip Sun 28-Feb-21 10:48:54

you say he was 'placed' in your care. so are the authorities who placed him still involved in the case?

justwokeup Sun 28-Feb-21 11:17:39

I’d do it on her terms while you can bear it. Make a big fuss of her while she’s there and a bit less of your grandson. Let her talk as much as she wants and try to ignore bad behaviour. I guess she suspects you only want to see her for access to GS and maybe she thinks you mistrust her. If you can go there and see both of them for the day that would be good too. I guess both of them need their confidence boosting. If it doesn’t work at least you’ve tried.

4allweknow Sun 28-Feb-21 11:19:28

You have a Court Order applied when GC returned to his mother. Why was this granted, what grounds? Court must have thought you having access as being necessary. If your DD doesn't allow you access to GS is she breaking the law? Is there perhaps another man in your daughter's life and she doesn't feel comfortable with you having access to GS in case he tells what happens at home (not saying anything bad is)but DD may feel guilty that she made a bad choice with the other guy and doesn't want to be scrutinised. Very strange situation you are in, no answers only questions.

Viola Sun 28-Feb-21 11:19:39

I am thinking that if the mother was separated from her child for a year she will be very worried about her bond with her child. You were the primary caregivers during that very important first year of his life. She sounds in a panic that he will love you more than he loves her. Would it be possible to recognise this and let her know that now she is prime caregiver but there is enough love for everyone to benefit from sharing care? Mediation sounds an excellent way forward if she would agree. I do hope the situation improves so you can all enjoy time with this little boy.

CleoPanda Sun 28-Feb-21 11:25:19

It sounds to me more like a possible mental health issue? Is she stressed, pressured or depressed?
She clearly doesn’t want any lone stays and is behaving quite possessively. Maybe she resents the time you had with him and feels you bonded well but she hasn’t? She seems to be worrying that he may be taken from her again?
Any alone time you can get, where you can interact normally would be ideal. Sounds like you may have to involve others in order to get this?
Worrying and upsetting for you. I hope you can come to an amicable arrangement.

SecondhandRose Sun 28-Feb-21 11:36:07

How old is your grandson? He will soon tell his Mum he wants to see you. I would back away from the situation, stay calm and give your daughter time. It wont be long before she wants a night out or weekend off. Bide your time.