In total shock!

That’s awful poor woman you’ve done the right thing for now.

Dragonfly so sorry to hear your shocking news after reading your earlier post on GM thread. It always seems as though these tragedies happen to other people or in TV dramas, not to someone close to you in real life. I suppose it is how we protect ourselves from worrying even more than we already do, about family and friends.

If you are into cooking or baking, a meal or cake/biscuits to offer visitors might be appreciated. Or shopping for extra milk, bread etc so that family members can concentrate on supporting your friend and making ask the necessary phone calls.

Thinking of your friend and of you ??

This is a time when texting is the best option. So much easier for her to ignore if she does not want to talk.

In my experience it is later that she will need support, this is a time of shock and practicalities to sort out.

You have also had a shock so take care of yourself and talk when you need to.

Remember you were going to meet her for a walk? Perhaps you could offer to do that too?

It seems like such a lovely idea to send flowers to the bereaved person but when my brother-in-law died his wife had so many bunches of flowers given to her that she was quite overwhelmed. She ran out of vases and had to resort to putting them in any container she could find and eventually giving them away.

I’m so sorry, what a terrible shock.

I think what you’ve done already is lovely. Staying in touch is the important thing, texts to let her know you’re there, especially when everyone else apart from family has returned to their old life.

A homemade meal that can be shared by your friend and family will be gratefully received. Flowers whilst being lovely need looking after when there is so much else to be done. I've gone through two recent tragedies and I found the gift of food so welcome each time.

what a horrible shock drop some flowers round and a card saying you are there for her if she needs you and then just keep checking in xx

I think as others have said some food like a casserole. Last thing anyone wants to be doing is catering. Sad sad times.

I agree with the no flowers, I was upset when the DPD man nearly hammered the door down to deliver more flowers, I had already had many flowers and didn't have any vases left. Lovely thought but I found they added to my heightened stress.

Just sending you love, dragonfly. You must be shocked! A cake or biscuits are what I'd really appreciate.

well for me, this is where being a Christian or believer helps, as I can pray ...

my dh been dead 16 months now, and still crying,, for the world I think

my worst problem is I can`t ask for help, wish I could overcome it...

as someone has said , we are all different,,, and yes, we can all hurt for our friends and loved ones.

That poor lady. A very sharp reminder to all of us to take nothing and no one for granted. Because you are close she will probably contact you if she is in need. I think a card reiterating that you are there to help if needed may be enough for now.

I think you will be able to do more in weeks to come . There seemed to be a flurry of too many people at once after my husband died. After a few weeks, when people have stopped calling, was when i felt I needed support. My thoughts are with her.

Make a meal and take it over, along with some fruit.

His soul flies free. You have done what you can. She knows you are there if needed. She will need time now...

My best friend’s husband died in September and I regularly stop at her house for a chat when I am out for a walk. I have taken her meals and when I bake I take some fresh baked bread or some home made mushroom pate. I ring her every day, often in the evening when I think other people won’t be phoning. I don’t think people always feel comfortable about asking for help and support. My own experience is that it’s better to offer something concrete.

a card through her letterbox - telling her that you will always be there, to listen, to talk, to walk, just to sit. The 'always' is important because grief has no timetable and as a bereavement counsellor I know that friends and neighbours tend to stop being emotionally available after a few months - yes they are physically present but they no longer ask how a person is feeling about their loss.

Concrete suggestions are more effective than a generalised offer to help. Take a meal round, or a cake. Ring and say you’re going for a walk, would she like to come/ going to the garden centre etc etc. If her family are with her, then these offers will be doubly welcome when she is on her own. Sadly, I speak from experience. Keep being there for her x

What did people do in these circumstances before mobile phones? Of course we actually spoke with people either on the phone, in person or by letter. I would go and see your friend. Wouldn't bother with flowers etc at this stage. Just visit to express your condolences and to offer help of any kind. Perhaps the daughter would need a break and would appreciate you being there for her Mum. Such a sad time them.

I'm another in the 'not flowers' brigade. The inflow for me was just another problem. Ended up looking like a florists. Quite awful (in the nicest possible way). You're already her friend. She knows. Just a brief 'how're y' doin' call will be sufficient. Perhaps even a brief chat with one of the children who will give you a clue as to where you might helpfully fit into the situation. Not easy but sit back, wait and be available for anything. It all comes under the heading of friend. Good ones are invaluable.

I agree with the concrete suggestions. I couldn't drive, or eat when my husband died. My friend made me a huge batch of her 'Mum's recipe' soup that I had enjoyed previously at her house. Was all I could swallow for weeks, I couldn't eat solid food, my throat seemed closed.

I'm another who was overwhelmed with massive bouquets. 7 in all, each one too big for one vase. I ended up having to empty my storage jars to accommodate them. Worse, the flowers triggered hay-fever, especially the ones with big peace lilies. Then I had to watch them fade and die. I would have appreciated a planter or pot plant, which would still be comforting 6 months on.

My father died suddenly of a heart attack, a fit, active, youthful 65. I remember the shock on hearing the news from my distressed poor old mother. But he always said that was what he wanted, quick and clean, and he got his wish. The downside is obviously the shock for those left. Good practical suggestions from other posters on what to do or what to avoid.

My friend to whom something horribly similar happened had trouble getting funds as they did not have equal access to their accounts. Do you know if your friend has access to day to day money? Friend was supported by a work colleague who just said I'll give you (xx) and we can sort it out later. Got her through the first month.

Put a note in your diary and send flowers in a month or six weeks time. The bouquets originally received and which could overwhelmed your friend after her bereavement will have withered and new flowers could be cheerful.

I have done this and recipients seem very pleased.

Meanwhile, as others have said, send a card, take meals but most of all ensure you continue to make contact but be guided by her needs. I usually ask if I can ring again and try to judge the enthusiasm of the reply.