How can I get over myself..

Why do his children have to know what’s in their father’s will? A will can be changed without anyone knowing except the person making the will, the lawyer and the witness.

Hmm. These are my thoughts.

Firstly, there’s quite a lot of “he shouldn’t be putting his children before you” thoughts here. Well no, except they are his children and on another thread (about childcare) you’ll see some of the same people saying your partner shouldn’t be dictating how you deal with your family, it’s up to you.

Maybe he is “putting them first”. Ask yourself honestly if you would be prepared to lose your children in order to do what your partner wanted.

From his children’s point of view why should you have shares in a house that their parents worked for together?
If he made over a share to you would you be happy for his children to have an equal share in your house?

A viewpoint depends on where you are standing, doesn’t it?

So assuming you want to stay with him, he wants to stay in the house. Is there a way to be happy?

Maybe not. But many, many people live in a house that they do not own, the bricks and mortar. It’s called renting. They live their all their lives and for them it is home because they have made it home. A place where they belong. Is there any way of belonging?

Can I suggest that wanting to involve you in the extension is his way of getting you to feel that the house is yours, both of you. A project that you are doing together to make a home.

Can you ask yourself why actually owning, having a financial interest, is so important to you?

I am in a similar position to you, actually, and after living independently for some years. I’m having to come to the realisation now that I can no longer have my home (and I do consider it home) just they way I want. I’m having to compromise, live with furniture I don’t like, negotiate changes. It’s tough, but worth it. And probably very good for me?

I hope you can find a way to be happy?

You seem to love each other so can’t you get married? Maybe in his will the house is sold and divided into shares so you get a proportion of the property and his kids get their shares. You need to safeguard your future and what you put into the property towards the extension. If he’s a reasonable chap try and discuss and tell him exactly how you feel or the resentment will build. Good luck.

peasblossom thank you. Yes that’s exactly how I feel. I wouldn’t put him above my children regards my property and I don’t expect him to do the same for me. My issue in my OP was how to get over feeling disengaged/having a sense of no ownership and I think you’ve addressed that. I agree this could be good for me. My inner control freak is having to learn new ways. I think ownership, to me, makes me feel secure? Then again, I know I’m in a precarious situation in some ways but hey, my ex announced he was leaving out of the clear blue one day (after 20+ years) so I’ve done precarious and nailed it ?. Very grateful.
suedonim they ‘helped’ him write it ?

Reading some of the replies, just seems to muddy the water. I agree with Urmstongran, you are bound to feel resentful, I don’t think I could be happy renovating and improving a house which would only benefit people who I don’t have a good relationship with.
But Peasblossom is looking at it from their point of view, and she does have a point.
I guess you just have to decide how much you can put up with, and for how long.

Gosh this is a hard one as I can totally see both side When my last partner moved in (with nothing) there is no way I would have written my children out of having the house if I died first (perhaps that showed I didn’t love him enough, I don’t know, I certainly didn’t love him more than my children, even on a bad day)
I can also see how you cannot get excited about doing up a house you ll never own or have shares in I wouldn’t either
How the heck do you juggle this??
Well all I can think is that as you do love him, you are helping doing it up for him, almost your present to him and a project for you and you have got your own house to do up for you if needed Not ideal by a long long way but I can’t see another way forward
But I do understand fully your feelings

Two control freaks living here??

Who knew there were so many wrong ways to wash up a cup??

Thanks Bluebell. It’s hard yes. And thanks for the support. Makes me feel I’m not being daft.

Wouldn’t half the house be yours in law anyway.
? Common law marriage and all that. It would here, might be worth asking a legal person.

So this man's children would basically disown him if he left you with the right to stay in the home if he dies first?

Charming children.

I'd not be happy with this at all.

I don't even know if I would stay with him.

What would have happened had you not had another house? Would his children see you homeless?

I don't know.

He's chosen to have a life with you. But his children are putting pressure on him that shouldn't be there

You've been together a long time

I think you deserve more

??? oh yes. I recognise that peas.

I don't know your partner's financial position but has it occurred to anyone that should he become ill and need nursing care he might have to sell the house to pay for care?
This would affect you as well as his children.(This happened with my father whose savings and house were all taken so it was good that I never counted on an inheritance.)
I don't think you are a control freak at all; I think your partner is living very comfortably with someone in a loving relationship, but who also pays her way and maintains the garden, and who he now wants to work on an extension which will ultimately benefit his children. If anything you are too passive, but a difficult situation to resolve.
I think you are feeling understandably resentful, and you are very much being taken for granted; your own daughter is also living off you and should you decide to return home it may not be as simple as you think. Life is unpredictable and you need to take steps to protect yourself; time for your partner to consider you and your needs.
If he wants your co operation for an extension then he must make provision for you in his will, otherwise no deal. No need to inform his children.

I know it’s hard to say what I would do in someone else’s shoes for sure, but I think I would be feeling a bit in second place, like a housekeeper to be honest. If it were me, I would want to talk this through. You could show him this thread. I’m not sure I could live like this, with his children calling the shots. Obviously, they matter, and are important to him, but shouldn’t take priority over you at the moment. You are both still alive. Maybe the choice is, you either get married, or move out, as clearly what you’re doing at the moment isn’t working. Hope it all works out for you?

Polarbear wrote suedonim they ‘helped’ him write it

Crumbs, this sounds rather like coercive control of their father. He can still add something to his will to allow you to say there. They do not need to know.

As you say, though, this is about your comfort and it isn’t hard to see why you’re disengaged with something that’s of no benefit to you, and in fact with the disruption of building work and all the mess is likely to inconvenience you.

Another option. How about renting out the house and using the income to rent a place that you both like?

nanna8

Wouldn’t half the house be yours in law anyway.
? Common law marriage and all that. It would here, might be worth asking a legal person.

There is no such thing under English Law as Common Law Marriage.

It seems you feel resentful because your partner wants to spend time redesigning his house whereas you would rather spend your retirement years together doing something else. He wants your input but you don't want to invest your time and energy in the project. Right Polarbear?
Perhaps you feel the house does not need an extension etc? (If you jointly owned the property would you feel differently I wonder but that's hypothetical).
If your partner wants to, he can always review his will. He could simply ask his solicitor to add a codicil, for example, bequeath you a lump sum specifying it as a recognition that you have been his long term loving partner. Would that work for you? Perhaps with the all the thoughts and advice from gransnetters you can discuss your feelings with your partner and decide what to do together. Good wishes.

if I were in your OH's position what my children will or wont accept wouldn't affect my decision

I agree with Smileless comment above. He needs to think about his priorities in living his life and how that impacts on your life as he is with you.

Polarbear2

H1954

Why couldn't he grant you 'right to reside' so you can remain in the house until you die f he dies before you?

Because his children won’t accept that. They don’t engage with me. I wasn’t the cause of his divorce, and they aren’t unpleasant, but they aren’t friendly either. They are quite an avaricious family.

A solicitor could facilitate 'right to reside' in the will. The AC would have to out up with it and would not be legally able to sell the property until you die or divide yourself to move out.

Does he own his house outright? Are you helping towards bills etc. Why not set up a separate joint account - and he pays a regular amount into that, so that if anything should happen to him, you will have something back - a cushion - that the children don't even need to know about.

“He has a life to lead, not be the custodian of their inheritance. “
Ooh Urmstongran! I like that! Beautifully put. I have a son who thinks just that so I’ve told him I’m leaving his inheritance share to the dogs home! ?‍♀️

Omg. You are Me! I am in EXACTLY the same position except we married. It didn’t make any difference to how I felt about not living in my own home.....after 32 years in my first marriage everything we had we shared. My home has always been crucial to my mental health ... nesting to feel safe and all that...Now I live in his house and I have a little cottage that I rent out to give me some income. We are about to do an extension and he asked me yesterday why don’t you really care ...that’s not like you because you’re so interested in stuff like that.... I did say to him oh it’s just because it’s taking so long but actually it’s because my heart just isn’t in this house, I feel like a tenant and it’s really horrible. If you want to chat on PMPing me a message.

Could he not give you a Life Interest in the house when he passes? That way you have a home for the rest of your life and takes away the need to uproot whoever is in yours or find somewhere else.

So, if you sold both houses and bought another where would your daughter go?

In his Will I mean.

BTW lots of people are tenants and will never own a property, somehow they manage to take in interest in their surroundings.