How can I get over myself..

I think you should both see a solicitor and find out how you can have some protection if he dies first. Just because his children won't like it is no reason to avoid it.

They wouldn’t have a choice, the property is not theirs it is their fathers and he can do whatever he wants to with it, do they have their own homes? If so they are just plain greedy and will have to wait

He really needs to stop pandering to his children. Its not their decision what he does with the house - either now or in his will!!

On the other hand I probably wouldn't want to co own a house with him unless there was rock solid legal protection for my own assets.

But there are couples who are very firmly together and maintain their own houses spending time at each property together or separately.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redhead56

I agree with you that children come first. I would definitely want to protect my children's legacy if I were to have a future relationship. They will always be my priority.
In OP's case, she has her own home so is not vulnerable and I see no reason why he should leave the house to her, even temporarily.
However, his plans to renovate are an issue and unfeeling. It is a large house with only 2 people living there, so an extension seems unnecessary. I do understand why Polarbear2 cannot engage with such a plan. I think I would be saying, let's spend our time in enjoyable, relaxing ways, at least once we are allowed to go on holidays and pursue interests again.

Eight years after our mother passed away, my father started a relationship with another lady. It gave him a new lease of life and we were happy for him. Unfortunately, the relationship ended after a year or so, but if it had continued we would have expected him to include her in his will. Starting a relationship later in life is totally different from when you are in your twenties or thirties. Had they stayed together, she would have ended up caring for him in the last years of his life and therefore taken a lot of the burden off us, his children. In my opinion, she would have been entitled to a share of his estate if they had stayed together. The last couple of years of his life were very stressful trying to be there for him while managing our own full time jobs and families. There was never a day that he was alone, but it was a very difficult time for all of us and if he'd had a partner there, his life would have been so much better and it would have been totally wrong not to include her in his will

Quite a lot of issues here. You are not happy, so you need to do something. I think you DO have some rights and you should consult a solicitor to get a clearer picture of your current rights and the options. Your OH should want to make sure you feel comfortable in your living situation. Is he using his children as an excuse? I can't really understand why he wants to build an extension on what you describe as a large house - what's that all about? I'd have thought buying a joint or pro-rata property, with the proper legal safeguards, would be the best option. The children's attitude is probably to do with what went on between their parents, and their attitude to you is just incidental. Incidentally, is your daughter paying a fair rent for your house? What would happen if you needed to sell your house? All questions you need to sort out before you decide how to move on.

SueDonim

Why do his children have to know what’s in their father’s will? A will can be changed without anyone knowing except the person making the will, the lawyer and the witness.

My thoughts exactly! None of their business especially if they are such an avaricious family. He can do the decent thing and ensure your future security and they won’t know until he’s no longer around to be bullied by them.

The witness doesn’t need to know the contents of the will. They are signing to say that they witnessed the will being signed without coercion.

Be so very careful if he grants you a right of occupation if he dies first. My partner and I were together for 15 years and then last year he died of coronavirus. He had left the house - which he owned solely - in a trust which gave me the right of occupation for life. It would then revert to his children - with whom I had always got in well. However, they have challenged his Will and it has been found to be flawed. They have issued me with a notice to vacate. My legal bills are rising exponentially, I am in poor health, I am alone and I have nowhere to go. I am absolutely in pieces. I repeat - be very careful.

My last relationship ended 9 months ago after 14 years together. He refused to marry me or give me any kind of security because of his adult children. He wouldn't do anything towards making our home nice. If the kettle broke he would go out and buy a Tesco value one. In the meantime he was giving his adult children thousands of pounds most of which was spent on drink and drugs. They hated me because they felt I stood in the way of controlling their father and his finances. I put up with years of misery. They did some awful things to me over the years. I had bailiffs turn up looking for his daughter and police because of his son. Finally I realised I could never win. My adult children and family were so good and kind to him. Last year I decided my peace of mind and self respect were worth more than being with him. Please don't end up unhappy like I did.

Pity you can`t just get married, you obviously love each other as you have been together ten years. You can`t really expect him tot sell his house and buy one together if you don`t want to sell yours. I think I would need more security for my future.

My OH lives with me in my house. He pays an amount each month to me, not specified but it goes towards the bills. He has built an extension and done some refurbishments and we have drawn up a document which states that if I should die before him, my sons will inherit my house but will repay him a fixed amount for what he has spent. If he goes first, I will pay his children that amount. I have a Will in which my sons are beneficiaries. This works for us and whilst I can hear the sharp intake of breath from some of you, we have discussed this and he is happy with it.

I married my widower husband 4 years ago. It was hard being in another woman’s house, where his children had grown up, and they loved the house. However I suggested we sell it to free up money, and then he could give his children a decent amount of money from the sale, which he did, and we bought a bungalow with a smaller more manageable garden. It belongs to him, and I have always known it will go to his children if he dies first. (I have a flat to move to) I made sure I befriended his children and though it was a while before they totally accepted me, we all get on now. (My ex is in a relationship, and if I thought he would favour her over our own children with regard to the family home, I would be rather upset, so I can see both sides!)

I would like to know more about how the partner came to own his house. Was it purchased with a, now deceased, partner? Was there an agreement with her that no matter what their kids would get the house? And how would anyone feel if step-children, who were adults when the parents got together benefitted if the second wife got everything? (If you see what I mean?)

I don't blame you at all. I would not have the motivation. Yes ypu should buy a house between you, if he died first you would obviously not be homeless. That sounds a terrible position to be in.

I’m not surprised you feel detached from home improvements. You could marry, without telling them, which I think, would invalidate the will. Nothing like money to cause dissent in families. I’m sorry you are so torn, it must be a cloud over your retirement.
I have visions of his children turning up on the day after his death and evicting you onto the street and would you have to then make your daughter homeless.

BTW I would be very unhappy if I died and my husband then married another woman and my kids lost out on their inheritance, the things I have worked for as well. I've told my husband if he didn't see my kids right I'll come back to haunt him!

Definately it would be in your best interests as others have said review the whole situation of your financial security again in this relationship. You may not need to leave but it would be better for you to be in a more financial situation. Go me right to reside may be one of those options.

His children wouldn’t accept it !!! What right do they have to accept or not it sounds to me that their father is allowing them to manipulate him.
They would get the house at the end of your days I would want him to change his will so it included this clause.

I owned my house and partner inherited his from parents! We decided to buy together as tenants in common ! If I die my daughter cannot kick him out unless he lives with someone else or marries ! Same if he dies, his sons cannot kick me out!! You do heed some sort of discussion about security for the future! At least you have a property to fall back on if necessary! Have you made wills?? Very important in these circumstances ?

I think you should just enjoy the here and now. I don't think you can change his mind or if you do he will come to resent you. You love him because he is who he is. His children accept you now because they know the house will come to them as soon as he dies. Any change will make them hostile to you. If he wants to restyle the property then great encourage him but you do not have to take any responsibility if you don't want to. You said he built this house so he must be more than capable. My cousin was married to a much older widower for over 30 years the house they lived in was his and the moment he died (in fact the week of his funeral) the adult children asked her to move out and they took possession of the house. If he dies first can you make sure you have funds in place to buy somewhere else or you can go back and live in your own house (where your daughter is living).

It may not be your house but It is your home, your chosen safe sanctuary you share and live in with the man you love. If you can’t be happy and accept that for what it is, maybe you are In a wrong place? Sorry if that sounds brutal, but I cannot relate to, or understand your feelings, sorry. If I could have the love of my life back, I swear I could live in a tent, even if it were borrowed lol!

Why don't u both move into your house and sell his house and give the kids the money?

Consider going together to a solicitor to review options? A dear friend had to deal with avaricious children when her husband died and her solicitor has had to fight tooth and claw to enforce her rights. Your situation is more precarious (not married) so I’d want both you and your partner (and the legal situation) to be quite clear about rights.

My Mum's partner and, now her carer, is in much the same position. He has his own house which he rents out at very preferable rates to a friend and he lives at my Mum's house. Over the years, I have been encouraging her to accept that it might be her house but it is his home. When it has come to her Will, she has been torn as to what to do but mainly because she wants her grandkids to benefit earlier rather than later. I have had talks with her partner and he has no desire to stay in the fading mausoleum that he can't cope with now, let alone when he gets older. However, he was worried that he wouldn't be able to move quickly and would like to sell his house to move nearer his son when the time comes. We have come to an agreement that he will get 2 years to find somewhere new. I think if we left it any longer, he would not be of an age to either manage the house or manage to move. To be honest, I'd like them to buy somewhere together now and give him a life time home before splitting it between his son and the grandchildren. However, my Mum is not for moving.
Could your partner at least give you time to get sorted so you are not at the mercy of his children. They don't need to know what his will contains until he dies so he is being a bit lily livered to panda to their avarice.