How can I get over myself..

Roxy1195

All very interesting reading. Gosh second marriages later in life do create difficulties. I moved into my husband’s house (but kept my flat to rent out). I have no financial stake in his nor he in mine. JHe has 4 adult children. Who will inherit - the Will states I get 3 years before have to move. But I think I would leave sooner. Indeed I would like to sell my place now and buy another as a project - I am appalled to find because we are married I would be financially penalised (2nd home extra stamp duty). Even though that would be my only home if husband predeceases me.

So amazing these things are not always clear - tax wise etc. Agree often difficult conversations needed.

I’d like that too. My house is an old terrace with loads of steps and no garden. I’ve thought about selling up and buying another, both as a project and more suitable for future. I learnt about CGT recently. I’ll cop for that too. ?‍♀️

Two things... it’s not really about the money it’s about an acknowledgment that my situation isn’t ideal and that he agrees it needs resolution. That’s a massive step forward. Ref my daughter- she pays rent. It gives me a small income and has helped her get on her feet after a bad time. ?

All very interesting reading. Gosh second marriages later in life do create difficulties. I moved into my husband’s house (but kept my flat to rent out). I have no financial stake in his nor he in mine. JHe has 4 adult children. Who will inherit - the Will states I get 3 years before have to move. But I think I would leave sooner. Indeed I would like to sell my place now and buy another as a project - I am appalled to find because we are married I would be financially penalised (2nd home extra stamp duty). Even though that would be my only home if husband predeceases me.

So amazing these things are not always clear - tax wise etc. Agree often difficult conversations needed.

I find this very uncomfortable and am going to be a devils advocate here. I'm not married, in my mid 60s and in a longterm relationship (had kids in our 40's). We keep ownership of property as equitable as we can so as to minimise exactly this sort of issue. We own the home we live in jointly, although he has a larger share, and I also have a couple of properties in my name which are rent out because I have a much smaller pension due to working part-time while the children were small (one is disabled.) We have very well drawn up wills to ensure neither of us is disadvantaged and our kids will also be treated fairly.

It seems you have a daughter who lives in your house. Does she pay you rent? Is this a form of income for you? Would you ask her to leave and vacate the house if needs be? If so, then I'd see that as an income and it would also mean that you will have somewhere to live if you are unfortunate enough to lose your partner. If not, if daughter is living there by goodwill, especially if you have given her the legal right to stay (perhaps by not having a formal tenancy in place) - why should his kids not also recieve an inheritance if he passes! I wonder why you expect to have your house and also a share of his? Perhaps the wealth disparity is large or something? If you were both to sell everything and pool resources that might be fairer, but then when one of you passes what happens to the share that would have gone to that persons children - do you think there should be an option for the survivor to stay until their own demise... I wonder if you have asked yourself the sort of difficult questions that might arise if you do get what you want, and potentially cause family rifts and ill feeling, particularly if you make your daughter find somewhere else to live. I totally understand your lack of enthusiasm for spending on, and doing things to, 'his' house but then there are loads of people who rent homes but still feel able to invest their energy in making them nice. Perhaps you are not fully committed to this relationship, and if he senses that why would he want to change anything!

Polarbear
?

I understand his need to leave something for his children when he dies but you are his partner in life and he should be equally if not more concerned about your future security. Imo it's not up to his children to refuse to accept the scenario of you keeping the house should he pre decease you and the house passing to them after your demise. I actually think he's being quite selfish, you're putting up with the situation because you love him, what is he doing to show his love for you?

Polarbear2, that is brilliant news. All that walking on eggshells might have got him thinking when he just nodded. I can remember my Mum's late husband making his will so that the house that had been in our family for generations would have had to have been sold to give his half to a daughter he hadn't seen for over 20 years. My Mum was so hurt. However, once she had come down off the ceiling and stopped shouting at him, she was able to explain why she was so upset. When he thought about it, he could see why and altered his intentions.

Your first paragraph said “ you had accepted the situation” as you felt it was either that or not have the relationship go any further...
That should have been the red flag, and the time to question the relationship before you got so involved, but love can be blind no matter how old you are.... but you waved a white flag..... so unfortunately this gave him “control” of the situation.
Moving forward now that 10 years have passed and you have invested a lot of your time and effort into the relationship and maintaining the house and improving it, I would think that by this time any thoughts on how “equal” and valued you feel in this relationship should have been on your OHs mind. There is only one person able to plan in this relationship, and it’s not you. I’m not sure if your “failure to engage in the renovations” is more down to you now looking ahead at your life with him and wondering , is the extension a project or way to make you “feel more included” while at the same time improving his (and his families asset) I’m not sure if his reluctance to include you either by marriage or till you die if he goes before you, is really down to his (bossy kids, who really don’t have a say) or if that gives him an excuse not to share or include you in a way that would give you more security, without it looking like he is the one holding back.
I do totally understand that this is his only home and he does want to do the right thing by his family, but does he not view you as his family after 10 years together?
I don’t agree his family (however bossy they seem) should not benefit, I also feel that the only person currently benefitting in this is your daughter... as it appears to sound like it’s “rent free”. To resolve this you have to firstly have some discussions with your daughter in relation to you returning back to your house without much if any notice ( should the worse happen to your OH) as the last thing you will need then is conflict within your own family. You seem to have accepted his family just want instant access to his entire estate, so you can’t keep going along with this while miscalling them for it, as he is the one who is giving them these assurances, that it’s his wish for this to happen, so obviously unless he lets them know his feelings in the matter have changed and you are important to him and should be given some security, whether they like it or not, then you can’t blame them for trying to protect what “he had worked hard to build”. I wouldn’t go behind their back, I would have a discussion with him about how can “he help you” resolve this, and if he agreed in a way to include you, that you both discuss it upfront with them, so they don’t make bitter accusations towards you if he went first, get it out in the open. Maybe if he sees it gears their tone, it will be the push he needs to do something to protect you.
You on the other hand can’t have half the cake, and another cake in the oven with your own property, so this needs to bring some income into the home you both share, to make everyone feel it’s not “ all take and no give”.
Sounds like you are not as secure in the relationship as each other. Good luck, I don’t mean to be harsh, but with second marriages sometimes someone pays for the exes mistakes.

Brilliant, really good to hear, onwards and upwards from now on?

Lovely to hear that it’s all been discussed and agreed in principle. ?

Well. I’m astonished at the interest this has generated! Some radical replies. Some made me laugh. Some sad ones. Some good advice and some I would say thanks but no thanks to.

So, we talked. To cut a long story short he completely agreed it was unreasonable to expect me to move out if he dies first. We - I repeat WE - are going to sit with his children and put a plan together re living arrangements. Then, to my astonishment (sorry I’m having an astonished day) he asked how much I would need in order for me to live a decent life!!! We discussed this and I suggested a sum. He said Oh that’s not much!!!! I can sort that out for you. Aargh ???. Am laughing here. Who knew. Just shows what a good talk achieves. All that treading on egg shells got nowhere. Thanks all. Sun is out. Happy days Xx

I asked if the OP would be prepared to sign over an equal share of her house to her partner.

Although she might feel more engaged if she had a half share in his house, it would leave her in a very advantageous position of having one and a half houses whilst he only had half a house.

Surely people can see that wouldn’t be right.

You could say the present arrangement is benefiting her family unfairly anyway. At the moment, because the OP lives in his house, her daughter doesn’t have to pay rent or mortgage to have a place to live whilst his children do. That’s a substantial gain.

Maybe that seems a bit unfair to them.

I know from experience how hard it is to devise a settlement that is fair to everyone.

You are living in the house, it is your home. Why not enjoy helping to improve it. Perhaps you are afraid you will then become attached to it and find it hard to leave something you built together. He is being unrealistic about willing the house to his children without leaving you time to find a new home. He needs to amend his will to give you a years breathing space. After all you will be dealing with the grief of his death. But do enjoy making home together.

I was in the same situation. I lived with my partner for 30 years and always knew the house would be left to his son. He gave me right to reside in his will. Over the years I put a lot into the house buying furniture etc and making it a home. I was careful not to put any money into the structure of the house though. After he died I stayed in the house but felt like the lodger as I couldnt do anything to the house as it wasnt mine. As soon as I could I left and bought my own property. It is very difficult because you want it to be your "home" but it isnt. Luckily a lot of what I bought for the house I brought with me.

flowerofthewestx2

Right to reside
It is non of his childrens' business at all. It is your partners business. They shouldn't even have access to his will, surely.
I would take him along to a family solicitor and get this mess sorted out. The children sound selfish, self centred and downright greedy

So, you are taking what is being said as absolutely the truth, and you are advocating that the OP 'takes charge'. The choice is the partner having the OP bossing him around or his children bossing him around?
My husband knows the contents of his parents wills as he has a copy so nothing wrong there.
And no-one has answered my query about the OP's daughter being left to sit pretty but all the criticism being for the partners kids.

Right to reside
It is non of his childrens' business at all. It is your partners business. They shouldn't even have access to his will, surely.
I would take him along to a family solicitor and get this mess sorted out. The children sound selfish, self centred and downright greedy

You said your partner built his house, it his baby. Could you perhaps build another one together. This may mean selling both your houses but perhaps you could then pass on some money to the DC which you could enjoy seeing being put to good use. I know a few people who have downsized and been able to share out some of the proceeds to their DC which their DC have then put to good use either by buying their own homes or helping them travel. My friends have said it's been great to see what they've used the money on. You could then make wills stipulating that the surviving partner has the right to the house for life and when they die the house would be split among surviving children.

Could you not come to an agreed whereby you stay in the house for a set period 1, 2, 3 or more years if he dies first which will give you some breathing space.

I'm sorry that's not good advice. She is not his friend, she is a vested love. Completely different.

This sounds like a game he is playing. First, never buy anything together unless you are married. Second, why doesn't he marry you? Third, do not put any money nor effort in the house as it's not your house. He doesn't want it to be your house because if he did he would have made it your house. Try telling him that not only will you have to go through the loss of him (whenever that is) but you will have to go through the loss of your home you shared with him both at the same time. While you are willing to still love him through to his death you are not prepared to love your home and memories you share with that getting ripped out from under you. At this point even a document that allows you to live there until you die will be suspect because he obviously loves you "just enough". I would certainly not invest any money in that house, nor invest any love for it. Now if he would like to marry you and put your name on the house (so he can't take it off without your legal permission) and give you the right to live there till you die, that would be entirely different. This happens all too often. Protect yourself financially and emotionally. You can be loving when you explain that. There's enough pain in life that you don't need that double whammy. Explain that to him. If it rocks your relationship then he has less vested in you than you do in him.

Why do you have to leave if partner predeceased you? Surely he could dictate legally that you are allowed to live in the property until you choose to leave. Your partner is being very selfish expecting you to just pack up and go on his death.

Talk to him over several conversations.

Does the house have to be in your name or be promised to you in a will before you help your partner.
If this was my friend asking for advise on extending and decorating their home, I would be pleased to help.
Surely you are more than his friend, so you should happily help him.

You've been together for 10 years. Surely, this counts for something. If your OH does pass away before you do, wouldn't he leave you something in his will - like you live there until you pass and THEN it passes to his children?
He's trying to include you in decisions and yet you're trying your damnedest to be a martyr. Help him make decisions. If he's asking you, surely he values your input - and maybe he's doing BECAUSE he wants you to feel happier in this house. Stop acting all hard done by and embrace the fact you have a guy who loves you, and wants to include you in important decisions.

I can see his children’s point of view also. Presumably it was the family home where they were brought up? They probably still see it as that and don’t want someone else stepping in and taking their inheritance. Especially as that person already has a house of their own.
It’s a difficult position for you though Polarbear 2 and I can quite understand that you don’t want to give up any time to the house. However you will be living in it for the foreseeable future. Maybe his kids could inherit the house but you a good share of his money??
How have you left your own house in your will?
Hope it all works out.