How can I get over myself..

flowerofthewestx2

Right to reside
It is non of his childrens' business at all. It is your partners business. They shouldn't even have access to his will, surely.
I would take him along to a family solicitor and get this mess sorted out. The children sound selfish, self centred and downright greedy

So, you are taking what is being said as absolutely the truth, and you are advocating that the OP 'takes charge'. The choice is the partner having the OP bossing him around or his children bossing him around?
My husband knows the contents of his parents wills as he has a copy so nothing wrong there.
And no-one has answered my query about the OP's daughter being left to sit pretty but all the criticism being for the partners kids.

I was in the same situation. I lived with my partner for 30 years and always knew the house would be left to his son. He gave me right to reside in his will. Over the years I put a lot into the house buying furniture etc and making it a home. I was careful not to put any money into the structure of the house though. After he died I stayed in the house but felt like the lodger as I couldnt do anything to the house as it wasnt mine. As soon as I could I left and bought my own property. It is very difficult because you want it to be your "home" but it isnt. Luckily a lot of what I bought for the house I brought with me.

You are living in the house, it is your home. Why not enjoy helping to improve it. Perhaps you are afraid you will then become attached to it and find it hard to leave something you built together. He is being unrealistic about willing the house to his children without leaving you time to find a new home. He needs to amend his will to give you a years breathing space. After all you will be dealing with the grief of his death. But do enjoy making home together.

I asked if the OP would be prepared to sign over an equal share of her house to her partner.

Although she might feel more engaged if she had a half share in his house, it would leave her in a very advantageous position of having one and a half houses whilst he only had half a house.

Surely people can see that wouldn’t be right.

You could say the present arrangement is benefiting her family unfairly anyway. At the moment, because the OP lives in his house, her daughter doesn’t have to pay rent or mortgage to have a place to live whilst his children do. That’s a substantial gain.

Maybe that seems a bit unfair to them.

I know from experience how hard it is to devise a settlement that is fair to everyone.

Well. I’m astonished at the interest this has generated! Some radical replies. Some made me laugh. Some sad ones. Some good advice and some I would say thanks but no thanks to.

So, we talked. To cut a long story short he completely agreed it was unreasonable to expect me to move out if he dies first. We - I repeat WE - are going to sit with his children and put a plan together re living arrangements. Then, to my astonishment (sorry I’m having an astonished day) he asked how much I would need in order for me to live a decent life!!! We discussed this and I suggested a sum. He said Oh that’s not much!!!! I can sort that out for you. Aargh ???. Am laughing here. Who knew. Just shows what a good talk achieves. All that treading on egg shells got nowhere. Thanks all. Sun is out. Happy days Xx

Lovely to hear that it’s all been discussed and agreed in principle. ?

Brilliant, really good to hear, onwards and upwards from now on?

Your first paragraph said “ you had accepted the situation” as you felt it was either that or not have the relationship go any further...
That should have been the red flag, and the time to question the relationship before you got so involved, but love can be blind no matter how old you are.... but you waved a white flag..... so unfortunately this gave him “control” of the situation.
Moving forward now that 10 years have passed and you have invested a lot of your time and effort into the relationship and maintaining the house and improving it, I would think that by this time any thoughts on how “equal” and valued you feel in this relationship should have been on your OHs mind. There is only one person able to plan in this relationship, and it’s not you. I’m not sure if your “failure to engage in the renovations” is more down to you now looking ahead at your life with him and wondering , is the extension a project or way to make you “feel more included” while at the same time improving his (and his families asset) I’m not sure if his reluctance to include you either by marriage or till you die if he goes before you, is really down to his (bossy kids, who really don’t have a say) or if that gives him an excuse not to share or include you in a way that would give you more security, without it looking like he is the one holding back.
I do totally understand that this is his only home and he does want to do the right thing by his family, but does he not view you as his family after 10 years together?
I don’t agree his family (however bossy they seem) should not benefit, I also feel that the only person currently benefitting in this is your daughter... as it appears to sound like it’s “rent free”. To resolve this you have to firstly have some discussions with your daughter in relation to you returning back to your house without much if any notice ( should the worse happen to your OH) as the last thing you will need then is conflict within your own family. You seem to have accepted his family just want instant access to his entire estate, so you can’t keep going along with this while miscalling them for it, as he is the one who is giving them these assurances, that it’s his wish for this to happen, so obviously unless he lets them know his feelings in the matter have changed and you are important to him and should be given some security, whether they like it or not, then you can’t blame them for trying to protect what “he had worked hard to build”. I wouldn’t go behind their back, I would have a discussion with him about how can “he help you” resolve this, and if he agreed in a way to include you, that you both discuss it upfront with them, so they don’t make bitter accusations towards you if he went first, get it out in the open. Maybe if he sees it gears their tone, it will be the push he needs to do something to protect you.
You on the other hand can’t have half the cake, and another cake in the oven with your own property, so this needs to bring some income into the home you both share, to make everyone feel it’s not “ all take and no give”.
Sounds like you are not as secure in the relationship as each other. Good luck, I don’t mean to be harsh, but with second marriages sometimes someone pays for the exes mistakes.

Polarbear2, that is brilliant news. All that walking on eggshells might have got him thinking when he just nodded. I can remember my Mum's late husband making his will so that the house that had been in our family for generations would have had to have been sold to give his half to a daughter he hadn't seen for over 20 years. My Mum was so hurt. However, once she had come down off the ceiling and stopped shouting at him, she was able to explain why she was so upset. When he thought about it, he could see why and altered his intentions.

I understand his need to leave something for his children when he dies but you are his partner in life and he should be equally if not more concerned about your future security. Imo it's not up to his children to refuse to accept the scenario of you keeping the house should he pre decease you and the house passing to them after your demise. I actually think he's being quite selfish, you're putting up with the situation because you love him, what is he doing to show his love for you?

Polarbear
?

I find this very uncomfortable and am going to be a devils advocate here. I'm not married, in my mid 60s and in a longterm relationship (had kids in our 40's). We keep ownership of property as equitable as we can so as to minimise exactly this sort of issue. We own the home we live in jointly, although he has a larger share, and I also have a couple of properties in my name which are rent out because I have a much smaller pension due to working part-time while the children were small (one is disabled.) We have very well drawn up wills to ensure neither of us is disadvantaged and our kids will also be treated fairly.

It seems you have a daughter who lives in your house. Does she pay you rent? Is this a form of income for you? Would you ask her to leave and vacate the house if needs be? If so, then I'd see that as an income and it would also mean that you will have somewhere to live if you are unfortunate enough to lose your partner. If not, if daughter is living there by goodwill, especially if you have given her the legal right to stay (perhaps by not having a formal tenancy in place) - why should his kids not also recieve an inheritance if he passes! I wonder why you expect to have your house and also a share of his? Perhaps the wealth disparity is large or something? If you were both to sell everything and pool resources that might be fairer, but then when one of you passes what happens to the share that would have gone to that persons children - do you think there should be an option for the survivor to stay until their own demise... I wonder if you have asked yourself the sort of difficult questions that might arise if you do get what you want, and potentially cause family rifts and ill feeling, particularly if you make your daughter find somewhere else to live. I totally understand your lack of enthusiasm for spending on, and doing things to, 'his' house but then there are loads of people who rent homes but still feel able to invest their energy in making them nice. Perhaps you are not fully committed to this relationship, and if he senses that why would he want to change anything!

All very interesting reading. Gosh second marriages later in life do create difficulties. I moved into my husband’s house (but kept my flat to rent out). I have no financial stake in his nor he in mine. JHe has 4 adult children. Who will inherit - the Will states I get 3 years before have to move. But I think I would leave sooner. Indeed I would like to sell my place now and buy another as a project - I am appalled to find because we are married I would be financially penalised (2nd home extra stamp duty). Even though that would be my only home if husband predeceases me.

So amazing these things are not always clear - tax wise etc. Agree often difficult conversations needed.

Two things... it’s not really about the money it’s about an acknowledgment that my situation isn’t ideal and that he agrees it needs resolution. That’s a massive step forward. Ref my daughter- she pays rent. It gives me a small income and has helped her get on her feet after a bad time. ?

Roxy1195

All very interesting reading. Gosh second marriages later in life do create difficulties. I moved into my husband’s house (but kept my flat to rent out). I have no financial stake in his nor he in mine. JHe has 4 adult children. Who will inherit - the Will states I get 3 years before have to move. But I think I would leave sooner. Indeed I would like to sell my place now and buy another as a project - I am appalled to find because we are married I would be financially penalised (2nd home extra stamp duty). Even though that would be my only home if husband predeceases me.

So amazing these things are not always clear - tax wise etc. Agree often difficult conversations needed.

I’d like that too. My house is an old terrace with loads of steps and no garden. I’ve thought about selling up and buying another, both as a project and more suitable for future. I learnt about CGT recently. I’ll cop for that too. ?‍♀️

Ps it’s not because you’re married. It’s because you have stated your OHs house is your main dwelling (or that how i understand it). Your house therefore becomes liable for CGT because you don’t live in it.

It seems then it isn’t really about the house at all but you feeling valued. You seem to have a pretty accurate assessment of the situation but are a bit unsure of your place. Like someone else, I think your OH is trying to give you a chance to make the house your own. Unless he actually wants to build the extension himself it shouldn’t take too long and you would be able to make it feel like your home without having to contribute financially at all - that’s the advantage of it being his home! I agree - with the minority it seems - that any future partner would not get any share of my children’s inheritance. Presumably any subsequent partner would have their own arrangements for their children, just have you have a (second) home which is benefitting your daughter, but there is no question that she is ‘avaricious’. In your place I’d prepare for a stormy discussion with his children, they have a point. No doubt they think your DD will inherit your house so why should they not inherit their DF’s house? You could always move into your home if OH predeceases you and your DD will still inherit it. On the other hand, if you help redesign his house how you want it you might both live there happily for many years. I’d have that financial discussion with OH first - I’d agree to share any costs that you living there increases, eg utilities and food, but nothing else. If you contribute to decorating, gardening etc he should agree that that has a value as, it seems, he is perfectly happy to do. And/or nominate a sum out of his estate in his will for you or to go to your daughter. Maybe you would want to acknowledge him/his children in your will? Perhaps if you feel secure that you’re actually valued as well as loved (he sounds lovely btw) there wouldn’t be any antagonism with his children.

That's great news Polarbear and just goes to show important it is to broach these difficult subjects.

Thanks. Just to be clear. I’ve never said I want his house. It’s his and very right it goes to his children. It’s how I come to terms with living as a ‘lodger’ while still finding some engagement with the upkeep I was struggling with. Some good advice on here has helped greatly and helped clear my mind as to future.

Hello there.
My situation is My partner has his own mortgage home...I own a flat out right after splitting up with Husband.I have moved in and once I sell the flat I will buy into his house although I will own a smaller percentage...we will go to a solicitor ..if either one of us dies the other will stay in the house until they die or go into a home then the house will be sold.We both have children.
You must feel extremely u settled but u h e to take care of you too ?

Sorry...be extremely unsettled but u must take care of u too ..

He should make a will where you can stay in the house till you did and then it goes to the kids otherwise you are not protected and he has a cheek expecting you to maintain a house you are not entitled to. He wants the best of both worlds.

Gosh what dreadful children they sound! I feel any inheritance is a bonus , a gift - not a right. If they’re behaving so greedily and difficult now, just imagine how they’re likely to behave if their father predeceases you. They’ll have the For Sale sign up before the funeral ?.

It may also.not only be a question of who dies first ..imagine if he had to go into a home ..would the children expect you to leave? Could hepay for a professional.interior designer/ decorator ..?.And I' m afraid I personally would be concentrating on refreshing and upgrading my own property rather than one I didn't own.

Can you make a proviso that you live in the house for your lifetime, then it passes to his children?