How can I get over myself..

So basically people think that a person who already owns a property should then be able to benefit financially from another property so that her daughter can continue to live maybe rent-free in the mother's home? And the children of the male partner don't get anything? Maybe calling them avaricious could be translated as seeing that they won't get anything if they aren't careful while the OP's daughter will be sitting pretty? Non-one is asking why she can't buy her own home, or asking about her expectations after her mother dies. It does depend on viewpoint, doesn't it?

Would it help if you were married and entitled to a widow's pension?

I think you have to be completely honest with your OH about this.

Next time he asks your opinion about some of the changes he is making, tell him as kindly as possible, that much as you hate yourself for feeling this way, you cannot have any real feelings for this house, as you know that if he predeceases you, you will be out on your neck.

It is not worth spoiling a good relationship over a house, but unexpressed resentment or anxiety can spoil things too.

You say you can move back to your own house, if the need arises, but can you afford to do so, and can you and your daughter share it amicably?

In your place, I would discuss this whole situation with my daughter, too. It is only right that she knows exactly how you and she will be placed if your OH dies first.

Just having someone to discuss the whole thing with may ease your resentment. I hope it will help.

I doubt that your selling your house and your OH selling his and buying something in common will ease things. I think it will make it potentially even more difficult with your OH's children, as they will feel, justifiably or not, that you have persuaded their father into making a change that will not benefit them.

But please do work out whether you will be able to afford to live in your own house, should the need arise.

I lived this life, despite being married. My husband, now deceased, had two adult children who knew exactly what his net worth was! We courted for 9 years before marrying, but his children were awful to me from the start, and it just got worse! I kept my own house (we were both widowed). I was unable to have children - so no conflict there. Husband had lived in "his" house for perhaps 30 years and his first wife had been dead for more than 20 before we even met. I was nearing retirement when we married, and he had been retired for over 10 years. The adult children had not lived in the house since they were teenagers, and the older "boy" had never lived there at all! Both were over 40 at the time of our marriage. Even so, husband left me the house for my lifetime, and I still own it and rent it out now. I have spent a lot if money modernising it, as you have to do, in order to get and keep good tenants. Shortly after his death from cancer after only six years of marriage, the daughter arrived at the front door with a Removal van and four well built young men, and then proceeded to take everything out of the house that she wanted, leaving an old style TV, an old three piece suite and a bed! She even took the fridge and freezer from the kitchen! I had to ask for my food which was still in there! In fairness, I had said it was my intention to return to my own house, in another County. The daughter later divorced, re-married and moved away. She never spoke to me again, and I have no idea what her married name is or where she lives.! The son has since died and his daughter, the only grandchild, who lives somewhere in London doesn't contact me (or respond to messages/letters/cards) either. Please think very carefully about arrangements for your future OP!

Partner and I are buying a house together. Tenants-in-common with unequal shares. Deal is that when one or other of us dies the house must be sold within two years of probate, and the proceeds distributed accordingly. Our kids are happy with that. If we did marry we'd maintain the same arrangement.

For those of you with mirror wills that you think will protect your children's inheritance rights - they won't. There's no obligation on the survivor to maintain the legacy arrangements. Many children of a first marriage have found themselves disinherited in favour of the children of a subsequent spouse. If you want to protect your children, check with a solicitor. Your partner may trust a second spouse to do the right thing but very often that doesn't happen.

I sympathise with you, I am in a bit of a similar position, though we did buy a house together and that is very definitely in both our names. When one of us dies the other has the right to remain until they die or marry someone else and then the house will be divided between the 2 families. We both have other properties - my OH has 2, I have one, and each will eventually go to our own respective families. However with remaining monies etc my OH hasn’t much, I have much more on paper but it is invested so that I get a small pension from it, I never got a pension through work. We are both fairly independent in our relationship in that we share all household and renovation bills etc. I was upset about not being left anything in his Will, when he is mentioned in mine and I have left him a good chunk of my invested money. I felt we hadn’t discussed it enough even though we’ve been together over 20 years. I didn’t want to seem greedy about it all. However I decided I couldn’t continue to feel resentful and I initiated a serious discussion. He told me that although I’m not actually mentioned in the Will as a beneficiary, I would get a widows pension from his pension when he dies, which is a reasonable amount. His accountant knows all about it, but it’s not in his Will. He doesn’t know whether it should be in his Will and says he will ask the solicitor, but he hasn’t done that yet!!! I shall have to start another discussion! I really feel you should be brave and insist on your OH giving you the right to remain in the house until you either find another home, or for the rest of your life. His children needn’t know if he doesn’t tell them.

I know you say his offspring won't accept anything else but if your partner were to change his will to give you a lifetime right to stay, he wouldn't have to tell them about it. Of course that might make your life afterwards very awkward, depending on how they reacted. However, it might make you feel more involved in house projects which could make your current life, and your partner's) happier as you could plan together.

What a self-made tangle you have got yourself into. So often we are ruled by our hearts, not our heads.
I imagine if it had been the other way round you would have been completely different and imagined he would.
Start to be a bit selfish and look after yourself. Good luck.

Polarbear2

I live with my OH. Have done for 10 years. We’re not married. I own a house where my daughter lives. The house which is now my home will go to my OHs children if my OH passes before me, as it should. I will have to leave and find somewhere else to live or go back to my house.
I had problems accepting this but have decided I’d rather be with my partner than not. I love him and by and large enjoy our time together. It’s not perfect but what is.
My problem is that I can’t get engaged with the house. It’s a big house and I’ve decorated it - my OH wasn’t bothered and it needed refreshing. The garden is large and I enjoy gardening (in fine weather) so I spend time looking after it. My OH pulls his weight with that. But I keep feeling resentful that I’m putting effort into something that I have no ownership of. My OH wants to build an extension and redesign the house. He keeps asking my opinion and I don’t want to engage with it. I don’t really want him to do it as it will eat into our retirement time, but I understand he has this dream so I’ll support him as best I can. I just can’t bring myself to engage with it in terms of choosing flooring etc. I keep saying ‘it’s not my house, it’s your choice’ and he then looks sad and disappointed. I feel I’m being mean and childish. I’d really love us to sell both houses and buy something between us where we both have ownership but while I’ve said this and he has ‘nodded’ I don’t think it will happen. How do I get my head round this and look at this house as my home in the proper sense?? I need to reframe somehow.

No you don’t! He is wrong with this. I agree either sell or get the Will changed. I can’t how you can could get excited about something that won’t be yours. Sounds to me like he has commitment problems. This may not have been what you wanted to hear but just my opinion.

I have no time for adult children who dictate what their parents do with their house after they die - nobody is entitled to anything from their parents - and your partner should stand up to them on this point. His adult children "won't accept" any decision other than leaving you with nothing, he should tell them to bog off! If the relationship is dependent upon them having an inheritance it doesn't sound like a very fruitful relationship anyway and I think you would be better of without any of them in your lives.

Just speaking personally. When I was young I moved into my future husband's house with him. I never felt it was mine, and I would never do it again.
With second marriages - or partnerships - and adult children on both sides it is of course more complicated, but in my opinion the way forward is to sell both houses and buy something jointly. Either party can then decide independently what to do with any surplus money; maybe you would want to help your daughter buy something of her own.
Apologies if this repeats what others have posted already!

And, of course, you would have to decide jointly what happens to the jointly owned property, too.

Another thought. Just getting him to change his Will is no protection, as it can be changed back again at any time!

A friend of mine had a legal battle with her stepmother, who made my friend's father change his will (in stepmother's favour) literally on his deathbed. I hasten to add that he had provided for the stepmother in his will, but she tried to disinherit the daughters.

How difficult for you. What will happen when you get to the stage where you haven’t the physical resources to care for your partner’s big house? I’m in a kind of similar situation as I decided to stay married after my husband had an affair but didn’t want to live with him. He was obsessed with having his dream house built and I told him I wanted to move to the south coast. He wouldn’t give up his dream but he scraped up enough cash to take out a mortgage on a house for me, where I live permanently & he visited every couple of months. I helped him plan the new house, which is lovely, but I don’t want to live in it as too many unhappy memories in that village. Now he’s 82, incapable of keeping that place clean and won’t employ a cleaner or a gardener. These old men are so stubborn & resist change. Now I have become ill and can’t really cope on my own, so he has been here looking after me. He’ll want us to sell this small house & me to move to his large one, which just doesn’t feel like my home. I can’t imagine your partner seeing your point of view ever, children can be very controlling in their parents’ old age and it’s not fair that your partner’s children cannot recognise the quality of life you have brought to their father. Sorry I can’t be more positive but I’m with you all the way.

It's a horrible situation to be in. But you know the worst thing? There is no real commitment in your relationship. You are living together but that's all. Commitment means making vows in public to say that you 'forsake all others'. You might love each other but there is no security for either of you. In spite of the years you have spent together, you might decide you prefer your own home, so might he. A very wise man was once asked for relationship advice by a couple who were living together. Having listened to their problems, he asked the man "Why haven't you got married? Are you waiting for someone better to come along?" That's a question that needs to be asked.

I can see his children’s point of view also. Presumably it was the family home where they were brought up? They probably still see it as that and don’t want someone else stepping in and taking their inheritance. Especially as that person already has a house of their own.
It’s a difficult position for you though Polarbear 2 and I can quite understand that you don’t want to give up any time to the house. However you will be living in it for the foreseeable future. Maybe his kids could inherit the house but you a good share of his money??
How have you left your own house in your will?
Hope it all works out.

You've been together for 10 years. Surely, this counts for something. If your OH does pass away before you do, wouldn't he leave you something in his will - like you live there until you pass and THEN it passes to his children?
He's trying to include you in decisions and yet you're trying your damnedest to be a martyr. Help him make decisions. If he's asking you, surely he values your input - and maybe he's doing BECAUSE he wants you to feel happier in this house. Stop acting all hard done by and embrace the fact you have a guy who loves you, and wants to include you in important decisions.

Does the house have to be in your name or be promised to you in a will before you help your partner.
If this was my friend asking for advise on extending and decorating their home, I would be pleased to help.
Surely you are more than his friend, so you should happily help him.

Talk to him over several conversations.

Why do you have to leave if partner predeceased you? Surely he could dictate legally that you are allowed to live in the property until you choose to leave. Your partner is being very selfish expecting you to just pack up and go on his death.

This sounds like a game he is playing. First, never buy anything together unless you are married. Second, why doesn't he marry you? Third, do not put any money nor effort in the house as it's not your house. He doesn't want it to be your house because if he did he would have made it your house. Try telling him that not only will you have to go through the loss of him (whenever that is) but you will have to go through the loss of your home you shared with him both at the same time. While you are willing to still love him through to his death you are not prepared to love your home and memories you share with that getting ripped out from under you. At this point even a document that allows you to live there until you die will be suspect because he obviously loves you "just enough". I would certainly not invest any money in that house, nor invest any love for it. Now if he would like to marry you and put your name on the house (so he can't take it off without your legal permission) and give you the right to live there till you die, that would be entirely different. This happens all too often. Protect yourself financially and emotionally. You can be loving when you explain that. There's enough pain in life that you don't need that double whammy. Explain that to him. If it rocks your relationship then he has less vested in you than you do in him.

I'm sorry that's not good advice. She is not his friend, she is a vested love. Completely different.

Could you not come to an agreed whereby you stay in the house for a set period 1, 2, 3 or more years if he dies first which will give you some breathing space.

You said your partner built his house, it his baby. Could you perhaps build another one together. This may mean selling both your houses but perhaps you could then pass on some money to the DC which you could enjoy seeing being put to good use. I know a few people who have downsized and been able to share out some of the proceeds to their DC which their DC have then put to good use either by buying their own homes or helping them travel. My friends have said it's been great to see what they've used the money on. You could then make wills stipulating that the surviving partner has the right to the house for life and when they die the house would be split among surviving children.

Right to reside
It is non of his childrens' business at all. It is your partners business. They shouldn't even have access to his will, surely.
I would take him along to a family solicitor and get this mess sorted out. The children sound selfish, self centred and downright greedy