Reasonable Behaviour from GC

If I understand you correctly your grandchildren are allowed to behave completely differently in their own home than you allow them to do in yours.

First let us try to be fair here. They comply with the standards you set, when they are in your home, which is fine.

Their parents allow them to behave completely differently at home, which is entirely up to them.

I understand why you feel it is wrong that the children are allowed to completely ignore you when y ou arrive at their home, but unless you want a quarrel with the children's parents, there is nothing you can do about it.

I remember being allowed to do things at home that my mother would have discouraged if I had done them in anyone else's home. I think all children were allowed a more relaxed standard in their own home.

I am far from agreeing with children being allowed completely to ignore visitors or to scream and shout, but I would hestitate to correct such behaviour when they are in their own home and their parents are present.

I am beginning to think that it is the nature of grandparents that we look at "modern" ways and cringe inside! Of course, when you have children for an afternoon, it is easy to stay on top of things and for them to behave appropriately. 24/7 is a different matter. I once said to my son something about his ASD son not doing something at my house and he responded that if he picked his son up on every little detail, they would never get to see his happy side because his meltdowns would increase. The triggers for meltdowns would get more sensitive as my DGS's anxiety increased so it would be self defeating. When I thought about it, I realised that he was right and it is easy to be judgemental when you are a part time carer.
In contrast, my daughter picks my DGD up for every little thing. I often think she says no to everything and yes to nothing. Consequently she has a child who is in permanent fighting mode to get what she wants. My DD looks askance at my DS's parenting but they have a happier child as a consequence who will learn the boundaries at a slightly slower rate.

Whilst I sympathise with your objections to some of their behaviour in their own home I’d be careful how you approach this. My children have always been given enormous leeway by my DH’s parents and consequently as older teens/early 20s have a very close relationship with them - they really can be themselves, they don’t feel judged just loved. With my parents it’s a different story - the children have always felt loved by them but they know they have to walk on eggshells with them so aren’t really themselves. So my parents don’t have the close relationship with them that they say they’d like to have but they have no one to blame but themselves for this.
Decide what matters to you most.

Well…

I assume you brought your daughter up. The fact that she has chosen to raise her family differently suggests that she didn’t find your parenting style ideal. I am inclined to think that “my house, my rules” applies in both directions. When you are in her house, her rules apply.

When your grandchildren visit you in your own home , they should treat you and your home with respect .

My ex-SIL once commented when they brought the 3 grandchildren to our house, 'Why don't they behave like this at home?' The reason - parents aren't able to put all of their time into entertaining the children, as most grandparents are, because they have so many other things to do. However, he also had VERY different ideas on acceptable behaviour to mine, and allowed the girls to get away with a lot of things that I certainly wouldn't accept. I also find that a lot of parents these days are a bit lazy in the way they bring up their children, and don't feel that they need to put any effort in, that it's easier to just let the children do whatever they want. I use to say to my DD that if you want well behaved children, you have to teach them, which means consistency, not telling them something's not acceptable one day and letting them get away with it the next. Sadly my DD and ex-SIL had very different parenting ideas, which ultimately led to their separating.

All children have tantrums.

Mine even had tantrums at my house when they were younger, not when I was in charge, I hasten to add!

They could be quite spectacular.

Exactly right Scentia.

I used to volunteer with a family charity and one family I helped had a toddler who I found climbing up the curtains. I had wondered why the curtains in his room were all ripped. When I asked if the toddler did this his mither just said he does it all the time! She didn't see any problem yet no way could she afford to buy new curtains or poles.

Most children have tantrums sometimes, and you need to be a lot more careful with those who don't. My 8 year old still tantrums. He yells for a minute, gets sent to his room, and that's it. No sulking, no grudges, we know exactly how he feels. Of course, we're working on more appropriate ways to express emotions, but that's an ongoing process. It takes children years to learn how to identify and process emotions appropriately. Earlier methods of childrearing may not have permitted tantrums, but neither did they permit boys to express emotions appropriately, with the result that many men still cannot.

If you don't understand the rationale behind modern childrearing practices, than politely ask. Otherwise, you don't criticise what they do in their own home, if the children are obviously happy and healthy.

I agree with Berylsgranny that the children should acknowledge their grandparents arrival, a simple 'hello granny' is sufficient, she is not expecting them to turn the TV off or stop watching their programme.
Just basic manners, and the fact that they are 'charming and lovely children' at her house shows that they don't resent it.

Ditto - time with our grandchildren is precious and it's grandparents privilege to spoil them.

When my 2 children were small everywhere they went, school, friends, grandparent etc everyone said how well behaved polite children they were. We could take them to restaurants, cinemas theatres and they behaved really well. We were always very proud of them. At home they were vile, tantrums, fights, answering back, untidy. In some ways we just accepted this, it seemed they needed a an escape from good behaviour. I will say they have both grown to be wonderful, well adjusted, kind and polite adults. So we must have done something right.

If you are visiting them in their own home then they behave as their parents let them. BUT you can go home when you have had enough. Remember it is them that have to deal with them long term. Just be careful what you say as you could alienate yourself from your children and grand children.

In your home, your rules.
In their home, their rules.
Simple!

"Reasonable" ie a very subjective concept

I wonder sometimes if some grandparents deem something as rude or unacceptable because it doesnt follow their philosophy and are not happy with the real grandparenting experience vs the idea they had in their heads.

It is very well known kids are angels in daycare, at friends house, etc but in their own home... very different story.

Op's gc seem to behave like kids their age, playing with curtains is very vague - if they are climbing them like monkeys for example, yes, it is worrisome and dangerous.

If not, OP is catastrophising.

Maybe only tangentially related to the OP, but in response to the comment about modern parents being 'lazy' in their child-rearing methods, I'd like to put a different view. At both ends of the spectrum it is 'easy' to bring up children. A word out of line, or any 'bad behaviour' can be dealt with by a slap or a similar zero tolerance approach, or at the other end children can be allowed to behave as they wish with no sanctions. IMO both of those approaches could be described as 'lazy' if someone wanted to be judgemental.

It is much more difficult to explain your reasons over and over again, and to keep adjusting your explanations to make them relevant to the age of the child, and to lead by example and not scream with frustration when the message has been forgotten ten minutes later because the child is just a child. The results may not be immediate in the way that children who fear their parents might stop what they are doing to avoid a slap, but that doesn't mean that the children learning to think for themselves and understand why it is good or not good to do things. It is not lazy parenting, either.

icanhandthemback

I am beginning to think that it is the nature of grandparents that we look at "modern" ways and cringe inside! Of course, when you have children for an afternoon, it is easy to stay on top of things and for them to behave appropriately. 24/7 is a different matter. I once said to my son something about his ASD son not doing something at my house and he responded that if he picked his son up on every little detail, they would never get to see his happy side because his meltdowns would increase. The triggers for meltdowns would get more sensitive as my DGS's anxiety increased so it would be self defeating. When I thought about it, I realised that he was right and it is easy to be judgemental when you are a part time carer.
In contrast, my daughter picks my DGD up for every little thing. I often think she says no to everything and yes to nothing. Consequently she has a child who is in permanent fighting mode to get what she wants. My DD looks askance at my DS's parenting but they have a happier child as a consequence who will learn the boundaries at a slightly slower rate.

Socrates said it a loooong time ago. i think he is the first so far recorded but I bet cave grandparents said it too.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”

1 point for doodledog

I don’t think modern parents are lazy, I think they pick and chose their battles with their children.

One day, if there are a lot of “big things”, parents will focus on those and let the “little things” go. They will deal with the “little things” on days where there have been no “big things” to tackle. Otherwise, they are constantly picking at their children. That doesn’t make for a happy childhood. They are only children, after all. They don’t learn overnight.

Children remember these things as adults.

Go easy
As long as they behave in your home nothing to do with you really what they do in theirs whether you are visiting or not
Obviously the parents are more relaxed with their behaviour than you and the children can keep it together in your house so all is good
No idea what you are worrying about

They obviously accept your rules in your house so I'm afraid you will have to accept theirs in their home. It is their home and you are guests, where as in your home they are guests and act accordingly. Sorry fact of life.

As a parent, I look at patterns of behaviour, not the actions that are the result.

I address why the child is having a tantrum/not saying hi/doing the homework.

Their parents must be doing something right if they know how to behave away from home. That's what's always seems most important to me. Home is where I would expect children to be challenging. Our son was often described by others as well behaved and well mannered. We sometimes wondered who they were talking about!

you sound a bit self-important.