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Own money/pension pot

(31 Posts)
YoungNannie Mon 12-Jul-21 15:39:06

Hi there! First ever post. I am early 50's and husband few years older. I've recently discovered by accident (because he won't have his bank statements lying around the house and shreds them as soon as he receives them) that he has gone through £25k of his pension installment (which I knew he was applying for ) in just under 3 years - that's as well as working decent job full time.

In addition (and not to my knowledge) as the funds were dwindling he has approached his pension provider for another payout letting me believe he still had a lot of his original left.

In addition he has had other small windfalls in the last couple of years.

So when a bank statement arrived I found it - one day alone was £1100 on gambling and he has admitted that he plays on line when he is bored and its never normally that much (just the 3 months I viewed the statement for conveniently!).

He's adamant its his money to do what he wants with even though I stress its our future joint pension money (I work full time too and we have a similar income and future pension pot). We pay everything for the house/holidays etc 50/50.

He says as long as he is paying his share of the house etc its his money to do what he wants with and is none of my business.

How would you react?

cornishpatsy Mon 12-Jul-21 15:42:59

If it is a joint pension how can he access it without you?

To me gambling is a waste of money however if it is his money he can do what he likes with it.

dogsmother Mon 12-Jul-21 15:44:33

He has a problem and if you are relying on a joint financial future you are in trouble sadly.
I feel you need to do something really quickly to protect yourself and your finances. I don’t know where you should start but you must!

JaneJudge Mon 12-Jul-21 15:49:22

Is you marriage otherwise happy?

If it is I suppose you encourage him to seek help for his gambling addiction and if he'll do that you support him.

If not, you need to seek legal advice to freeze your assets as it sounds like he has a very serious problem

Sorry to be so blunt but you go round the houses with this one

travelnan Mon 12-Jul-21 15:55:02

Be very careful Young Nannie. I know of a case where the wife suddenly found out that her husband had taken a second Mortgage on their house. He had forged her signature on the documents. It transpired that this was to cover his gambling debts. I would keep a very strict eye on all the post coming to the house and be very wary of any suspicious phone calls etc.

Daisymae Mon 12-Jul-21 15:56:44

Sounds like you will be the one who is supporting you both in retirement. He has a problem but is refusing to acknowledge it. When funds run out he will in all probability start to look elsewhere to fund his addiction. It is an addiction and an illness. Help is available but only if he asks for it. The only thing you can do is speak to him and let him know that his secret is out and your financial future is at risk. I would also take steps to protect your own finances as much as you can.

Peasblossom Mon 12-Jul-21 16:53:16

When you’re married all debts are joint debts. You could find yourself owing a lot of money. It happened to a friend. The house was sold to pay the debts and on divorce she had to give him almost half of her pension because he only had a small amount left in his pension pot.

You need financial advice now !

YoungNannie Mon 12-Jul-21 16:53:39

Hi Everyone - thanks for your responses. It isnt a joint pension - he has his own works ones as do I but I never ever thought of cashing any in when the time comes.

I have asked him how much he is spending/wasting away and he just says its his money to do what he wants with and as we have our own money thats how it will be with our pensions? I don't want to get too old to be able to do anything about it if I want to?

In other ways he's caring, helpful around the house etc etc.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 12-Jul-21 17:00:16

But it’s not only his money. You’re married, so everything is jointly owned. If he takes this stance, when his runs out, he’ll want yours.
You need to nip this addiction in the bud quickly, before everything is gone.

Redhead56 Mon 12-Jul-21 17:02:31

My ex many years ago was living a double life and got loans on our mortgage without my knowledge.
I think even if your marriage was ok before this it isn’t now the trust will be gone.
You need to protect what finances you have now when his runs out he will drain yours that is what gamblers do.
My friend lost everything because of her husbands gambling and so did my brother.

Barmeyoldbat Mon 12-Jul-21 17:02:34

Get financial help and advice now and put in steps to protect yourself.

FlexibleFriend Mon 12-Jul-21 17:03:58

I'd seriously consider divorce and split before you retire and get a lump sum or that will disappear in the same way. Is he expecting you to pay for all the upkeep of the house on your own because he'll have nothing left. He doesn't seem to care what you think about what he's doing so you might as well go it alone.

Gwyneth Mon 12-Jul-21 17:04:29

You really need to seek advice on protecting your own pension pot and finances quickly so that you are not liable for any future debts he might incur or you could have a miserable retirement. It sounds like your husband has a serious gambling addiction and needs help.

Grandmabatty Mon 12-Jul-21 17:07:52

As someone earlier said, you are married so any debt incurred you are equally liable for. He is heavily addicted and will not stop and it will get much worse. If he uses up his pension on gambling then he will be living off your pension only. It doesn't matter that you think he's 'caring'. If he was truly caring he would be trying to get help or stop gambling. I would be giving an ultimatum : hand over all control of moneys to me or I walk. My aunt did this and my uncle stopped so it can be done.

GillT57 Mon 12-Jul-21 17:11:49

Be very careful here, as others have said there is joint liability with debts, and if he is being so secretive about how much he hs squandered, I think you can safely assume that whatever he has told you is nowhere near the reality. If he squanders his lump sum, and is spending chunks of his income too, how do you feel about supporting you both on your pension only? Can you afford to? It may be worth taking legal advice as to ringfencing your own pension and protecting your jointly owned home from borrowing against it.

sodapop Mon 12-Jul-21 17:13:49

I agree with Grandmabatty your husband should be getting help for his gambling addiction. You do need to protect yourself and your finances for your future retirement. Get some professional advice as soon as possible YoungNannie

YoungNannie Mon 12-Jul-21 17:45:40

Thank you so much everyone for taking time to reply.

I think I have 2 issues: as we’ve always had our own accounts but a joint one paid into separate for house/bills/food etc he is classing his pension as his own money….

Also I’m not defending him but I don’t know if the gambling is serious although I guess transfers of 1100 in one day is (he said he won £800 back though)

I really can’t be bothered with the non speaking so far for 2 weeks as he just keeps responding with the same ‘it’s my money and my business’ sorry everyone I’ll leave you in peace now 😔

tanith Mon 12-Jul-21 18:41:10

YoungNannie are you not concerned about your future? This problem isn’t going away if you do nothing. You’re retirement is in jeopardy, you are liable for his debts if you do nothing I hope you come back and take the advice seriously and do something to safeguard yourself.

Grandmabatty Mon 12-Jul-21 19:04:13

You are defending him. "I don't know if the gambling is serious" in your latest post but in your opening post you said he had gone through £25k of his pension and had approached them to get more. You obviously don't like what people say and that's your prerogative but we have given you good advice. This is not going to end well.

Harris27 Mon 12-Jul-21 19:14:33

I would be very worried after reading this.

YoungNannie Mon 12-Jul-21 19:26:33

Sorry I am listening to all advice what I meant was I can’t say for sure what all money has been spent on, there was couple holidays etc during that period (although I paid out of just wages so?)


Oopsadaisy1 Mon 12-Jul-21 19:59:47

Oh dear, you need to sort this out quick as there will be no respite from this, he’s onto a win win situation, you are jointly responsible for His debts and if you split up he will want part of your pension pot in the settlement and he will probably get it too. if he’s gambled your home away then I hope you have family who will take you in.
I know someone who this happened to. (So it isn’t just a worse case scenario) his debts were many and not just online.

Smileless2012 Mon 12-Jul-21 20:30:09

You need to get legal advice asap YoungNannie and take steps to protect yourself financially.

I also suggest you contact your mortgage provider to make sure that he hasn't taken out any loans against your home. I don't mean to frighten you but as Redhead has sadly experienced, it does happen.

Your husband is selfishly and secretively spending his share of what you believed your joint retirement fund. Would he have told you if you hadn't found out by accident?

At the very least I would heed Grandmabatty's advice but TBH if this was me, I'd get out now.

NotAGran55 Mon 12-Jul-21 20:42:15

The OP isn’t responsible for her husband’s debts if they are in his name only .
However , she will be responsible if they are in joint names - she will be
‘ jointly and severally liable’.

kissngate Mon 12-Jul-21 22:11:16

You need to get advice quickly particularly regarding your house and finances. A relative did similar played down his gambling said it was just betting on horses. There was a lot of income coming in from his wifes businesses but she wasnt well so hadnt the energy to do anything about it. Sadly she died and over next four years he gambled everything away. Sold two businesses to pay debts then lost house. He is still gambling but living with someone else. If he says hes spending £1k per day you can treble that. Dont lose everything take steps now to protect your assets.