Face to Face Passive Aggressive Behaviour

I find that in many of these circumstances retorting to Wottevva has a salutary effect.

My late sister was PA. I remember a holiday we were on with our DHs. It was her DH's birthday and we were all ready to go out celebrating for the day. "I just need to do my nails", said she, trying to delay the outing (it would have taken at least an hour). It backfired when the 3 of us said "we'll go ahead, then, catch up with us when you're done". Sounds trivial here, but it was just one of many occasions where she tried to mess things up.
Other people thought she was a lovely person - they didn't know what she could be like to the family.

Sometimes I ignore.
Sometimes I will ask them to explain the joke - it's actually quite hard for them to defend what is funny about it if asked to do so.
Sometimes I deliberately take them at face value when that's not what they want.
Depends on the situation, whatever makes them own and think about what they've said if possible, otherwise whatever works to show I'm not interested in their game.
Great example of how to deal with this stuff nanasam

I always used to comment in a professional setting to anyone who was that way "gosh, aren't you rude?" It was met with stoned silence 100% of the time! I just loved it!?

Perfect example, nanasam. The tricks never seem like a big deal to outsiders, but that's all part of the aggression, as it forces you to either do what they want or look as though you are causing a fuss over nothing.

I find a quick sharp slap around the face causes them so much embarrassment that don't come back a second time

My sister tends to bring up things I did when I was a child, when I was awkward and difficult - we're both in our 60s so she should have got over it by now. She's also well known for being argumentative and will not give up, even if I say we must agree to differ on a topic she has to come back with another comment to have the last word.
Also claims I've always been jealous of her, when we have very different outlooks on what makes a happy life so I would not envy her more materialistic lifestyle.
I don't want to fall out with her but keeping quiet is difficult when she is being so unpleasant.

My husband can have his moments of PA and I take no notice. Very occasionally, I have said that if he has something to say, just say it and, of course, there is usually a back pedalling with him only joking. I just give him "the look!" However, my son who has always been seemingly oblivious to his father's PA (and has a brilliant relationship with him) has started to call him out on it with a, "I don't need the PA comments, thank you." My DH was taken aback the first time but didn't really seem to comprehend what we are talking about. My son is not for turning though and has said that if my DH wants straight, clear communication from him, he expects the same respect. I find it refreshing that at least one of our 6 children feels comfortable enough to make his stance known. The others just accept it with the occasional moan; they obviously take after me.

Thankfully, I'm not sufficiently emotionally aware - or possibly just too thick - to notice most of it!

If this is an issue for you please consider reading this excellent book - it will more than answer all your questions:
"A Woman in Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson. It is widely available and in paperback.

www.annedickson.co.uk/books/a-woman-in-your-own-right

You can say calmly something like "That sounded like a dig, was it?" But read Anne Dickson's book "A woman in your own right"! Much more complete and helpful than the response I am suggesting here.

For 25 years my next door neighbour stalked, harassed, bullied. trespassed and vandalised. If they spoke to us in the garden it was so bad. We did not know their name for months, and only the son's name 25 years later, yet this son had covered up our gas boiler flue numerous times. Each time we called the police and they did nothing. I went to vote one day and the pair of them were sitting in the polling station issuing the voting slips. I got a postal vote after that.
It also told me that they have friends to protect them.

In all this time we never retaliated, never rowed with them, never had any social interaction at all. I have never rowed with anyone. I first bought a house on this estate in 1968. I ran for County Council and increased my majority each time, and I wasn't going to start now. My late husband was a retired Vicar. Neither of us deserved to be treated this way, and George refused to move. He said no one was going to chase him out of the house he saved all his life for. He had been in church property all his life. He also said that if we moved, they would do the same to the new people, and he could not let that happen.

We did as Christ taught and 'turned the other cheek'. It did not stop them, in fact they got worse, thinking that any time we would get fed up and retaliate. We did not. There was no way that we would retaliate, and I think we were right.
NEVER give your bullies any chance they may be in control of you. It does not matter what they do, or what they or other people think. They have started a war, and unless you want it to continue by retaliating, then they have already won.

It’s interesting isn’t it, passive aggressive remarks come from the anxiety and inadequacy of the speaker, they see you as ‘sorted’ in some cases, or unable to manage conversations with you day to day their chosen opportunity is inappropriate.
So, receiving this response in conversation is tricky, it depends on the circumstance.
There is the opportunity for a ‘pregnant’ pause in some cases, just calmly wait for the person to consider their own frustrations. See what happens, if they press their point it’s ok to say something like ‘let’s catch up later about this’.
There is then the opportunity, when the speaker is calm and in a good place to revisit what happened - leaving things unresolved can mean they fester and cause a rift.
Another way is to become ‘non-defensive’ and say something like ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. You are not apologising for yourself, but for the all round conversational situation.
You can of course tell them to ‘F$€¥ off, let’s catch up another time’! In each way you remain in control, non defensive - you haven’t taken the bait.
Very often the ‘thing’ they are talking about isn’t the ‘thing’ they are her up about! It’s a great thing moving towards non-defensiveness - it leaves you feeling so much more in control and not holding on to what just happened too much!

Call it out - always - being PA is a trait that’s unlikely to be seen with just one person so it’s helpful to others if you can identify it and bring it to the person’s attention - let them know you see this as a form of bullying - why do you always want to make people feel small, what are you afraid of etc etc ?

Are narcissists and PAs connected. Can someone be both? I knew a guy who definitely was a narcissist, and would have put him as PA as well.

Yes, I believe so. The motivation may be different for a narcissist, but the behaviour can be the same.

Narcissists come in various guises - some will be out and out aggressive, but others will mask that aggression with PA behaviour.

Always call it out but in a very sweet way that will irritate the hell out of them ? I can think of one inlaw who always does this - we all call her PA comments stingers as in jelly fish!

I have a ‘friend’ like this . I deal with her less and less these days because I just can’t be bothered putting up with it. Life’s too short. She can be lovely and just when I start to get on with her again- bang - out comes a little dig.

I just feel sorry for those that are constantly exhibiting PA behaviour. They usually have an enormous chip on their shoulder and believe that everyone is at fault so to drag everyone else down to their level, they are just constantly making comments, sometimes ending with "joke" or "just joking"
I have often walked away or said nothing and given them what my son calls "the look" usually brings them up short and they very rarely say anything along the same lines, at least in my presence.
I don't see why you shouldn't call them out and point out that they should really stop what they are doing and then decide what to do next according to their reaction.
Walking away is most often the best option!

I used (note past tense) to have a friend who was very PA, I was told that next time she did it, to say “Ouch” very loudly! It worked for a while, but only a while, which is why she’s a friend in the past tense!

I worked with someone who constantly used to quote one of my statements from a previous email in a different font/colour at the beginning of their email to me. It was infuriating until I actually met this individual and realised that this behaviour covered a multitude of shortcomings on his part. He also had a habit of using the phrase " that is all I want to say on this matter." when he was under pressure or when someone got near to the truth of his shortcomings. These people usually end up the worse off, so just act normally, ignore them, you gain, they lose from this type of behaviour.

My children still ‘go on’ about a disastrous nut roast I cooked once.
At the time they were aged 13,11 and 8. They are now 55, 51 and 49. I always respond by asking them to count up how many meals, cakes, etc I have cooked for them before and since that have never been commented on, positively or negatively!

I agree with GoldenAge and I always call it out, whether it's directed at me or someone I'm with.

I have got to the age now, that I just walk away from the area,and say nothing.

A family member's PA behaviour is one of the worst, most frustrating, aspects of their personality. Every time anyone, usually myself, calls them on a snide comment the standard response is always "God, I was joking! You need to get a sense of humour." I usually retort that it's only a joke if someone other than just him finds it funny. He'll walk off sniggering to himself or muttering under his breath. He'll throw in occasional "Tough crowd." Within no time at all this behaviour is repeated. Literally nothing will stop it.