Big weddings versus more intimate ceremonies

At my wedding we had my parents, my brother, the best man and his wife. My husband was Australian so his parents weren’t there, but luckily, like us, they were the sort of people who didn’t think ceremonies were important. We went out to dinner with a few more friends in the evening. It was a lovely, stress-free day.

My son rather shocked me by having quite a big wedding. It was as enjoyable as such an event can be, but it seemed a waste of money to me. Also I bought clothes for it that I have never worn since.

My daughter, after planning her wedding 12 months prior to COVID decided to go ahead as planned with 16 guests at a smaller venue and have the posh reception later in the year. The wedding was the most lovely, loving, intimate one she could have wanted she and her husband were so happy and looking forward to the posh reception later in the new year, but COVID changed that two more times, the posh venue wouldn’t refund the money so now it’s a belated wedding and christening celebration in February,( baby due September) 18 months after the wedding! So, yes I now think a small family wedding is perfect it still brings a tear to my eye.

Sago hope all goes well today and you all have a wonderful day. Congratulations to the happy couple.

I live near the hotel that is constantly voted the best wedding hotel in the world. The hotel posts their own pictures of weddings usually showing bride and groom in one of the numerous locations either within the hotel or grounds as well as some of the settings for the actual ceremony and wedding reception. No idea of what those weddings will cost other than horrendously expensive. I also feel so sad thinking as is so frequent nowadays many of the couples will separate in a couple of years. The wedding business has just gone mad and hopefully recent Covid restrictions will bring some sanity into what a wedding really means.

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Our wedding was quite small and we didn't have a sit down dinner. There were various reasons for this but it suited us. My friends son recently got married and they did the same as your son Sago, just each others parents (no siblings) and they all enjoyed it and met siblings later in the garden. Congratulations to your son and enjoy yourselves x

That sounds like a lovely day ahead that you will all remember forever. I think this a great way to do things , a lovely meal with closest family then a party with others a bit later.

This sounds lovely Sago. How sensible to have it so intimate - I think weddings have got way out of hand now.

Many years ago when my friend wanted to marry it was difficult because her fiancé had social phobias.
So she asked me and my partner to be the only people present.
She only told one other person, her aunt.
We went to the registry office, came home, lifted a glass.
So ( she said) off to tell the parent's ?
When she got to her parents her mum and dad knew what was happening and were ready with the champagne and buffet.
What lovely parents they were to respect what my friend and her husband wanted for their day.

We have often noticed that, as a general rule, the size/cost of the wedding is in inverse proportion to the length of the marriage. Couples have often lived together before the marriage and are paying for their own wedding. Why go into debt to make your vows? The nicest weddings I've been to are the smallest ones.

My daughter and now son in law both who loath being the centre of attention married in Mexico when they were on holiday in a secret wedding just the two of them with 2 witnesses (not related or friends). Both families who adore this couple thought it was very romantic. I have a beautiful photo of them looking georgeous standing newly married on a beach. What they would of spent on a wedding helped them with their new home.

I think small is more special

My husband and I opted for a "weddingmoon" in Jamaica. It was the second marriage for both of us, my mother had died not long before, and neither of us could face a huge fuss. We met up with another couple doing the same, and we were their witnesses, and they were ours. It was very special and intimate, and just about the two of us. When we returned, we had a meal for close family, and a small party for friends. It cost us less than £5000 for all three events, our wedding clothes and cakes (two of which I made myself). So often, it seems like the wedding is more important to the couple than the marriage

I think a big wedding isn't so much a question of guests as of expenditure. I can think of at least half a dozen weddings where numbers were high because the couple marrying were involved in community work and wanted their youth group to be there, or were part of some other wider group and had them all there, but the wedding was simple, everything from the brides dress to the food and decorations being home made, or friends rallied round and gave wedding presents in kind, whether food, decorations, or photography.

All the weddings I have been to that have been rich in friends, but low in everything else have been marriages that have lasting power, some have reached 50 years, some 25 and going strong.

Anniebach

What is a big wedding? how many guests ?

I’d say 50 max is fine. My dad was terminally ill when I got married 40 years ago. We reduced numbers to relieve the stress in him and it was a lovely day. Everyone commented on how nice it was.

I had about 20 guests at mine (and most of these were my mums friends). Sandwiches and sausage rolls in the back garden, simple no frills wedding.

Given everything is so much bigger than it was then I would say up to 80-100 is a big wedding. I am sure others will disagree.

I like the idea of smaller ones as there is a fighting chance you might actually be able to have a conversation with all the guests.

Someone’s mum said the more that people spend on that one day the shorter the marriage. Our simple wedding has lasted 52 years. Not sure how sometimes, but that is another story.

What is a big wedding? how many guests ?

I wasn’t saying that you had said it specifically Monica, sorry if you got that impression, a number of posters had said things, about brides trying to outdo each other, more money being spent meaning the wedding wouldn’t last, them showing off etc. - I just think everybody should do it their own way, but not be critical of the way other people choose to do it if it’s different to their own choice, and I think as you said that’s what you were saying too.

I think the past 18 months has changed some perspectives. I work with several young people; two young women that had wedding plans last year. The plans had to be changed several times, but they did indeed get married with long white gown, dinner and dancing. They had to adjust their guest lists and venues several times.

I felt bad for them, and there was a lot of stress because of the changes, but they agreed that the weddings were lovely and much less expensive than originally planned. Did they really need their 3rd cousins to be in attendance? Not really, they found.

I think smaller, more intimate weddings may be the trend for the near future. I hope so, since I believe wedding planning has gone over the top in the last while. We will have some weddings in our family next year, and I do hope they are smaller.

Well, I did make that distinction in my post, complete with capital letters for the showy kind of Big Wedding, the kind, that so often do not last and also described a big wedding (lower case) ie,lots of people present but in an unshowy way, where my experience is a 100% success rate.

You and I are saying exactly the same thing.

It’s not been my experience at all Monica, I’m from a large and close family, and all our weddings have been large when you add in spouses’ families and friends. I think there’s a big difference between large because you have a large group of family and friends, and large because you want a big showy wedding so invite people you don’t know we’ll just to show off - I haven’t been to any of those weddings I’m glad to say.

Sorry, Casdon, but that has been my experience.

We got married in May this year - should have been last but we all know what happened there. We went to Gretna Green with our children and partners and two close friends. We were a party of 11 - including our almost 2 year old granddaughter who was my flower girl. It was just what we wanted - obviously a second time for us both and we wouldn't have changed a thing - it was perfect. I'm sure it's probably not to everyone's taste and each to their own ?

I hope your son and his new wife will be very happy Sago.

I do think that it’s ridiculous to suggest as some have done that those who choose to have bigger weddings do so to ‘show off’, or that their marriages won’t last though. As long as it’s the couple themselves that choose who they want to be there, there’s every chance that they will be as happy as any other couple - and actually, some people have many friends and big families, so why not? Where it goes wrong is when families interfere and insist that certain guests are present, because families like that are also more likely to interfere with the newlyweds’ lives too.

I don’t think Covid will have an impact, people have been apart for so long that now they are able to, many will go all out to celebrate their marriages, it’s something to look forward to in these bleak times.

I have never been a big wedding enthusiast, my ideal wedding is me, my spouse-to-be and two witnesses. Didn't quite achieve that but got close.

Having said that, I have enjoyed weddings with lots of people there, but they are very distinct from Big Weddings. The nicest one was in France, when DS's best friend married a French woman. Church wedding, reception, (salad and a slice of gateau) in the school dining hall, long formica topped tables and benches. Those coming from England stayed with different members of the French family. Under 25s were told to bring a sleeping bag and were bedded down in an old barn with lots of hay where they could be as noisly and get as drunk as they liked without disturbing anyone. On the Sunday there was a big family and guests barbecue, before we all set off home.

I have been to similar weddings, including DS's and loved them, but my experience is thatt the Bigger the Wedding the faster the divorce, the marriage destroyed by the debts stacked up having the Big Wedding.

Congrats to you Sago and your family.
Hope you all have a lovely, special day