Alcoholic Brother

MaryQueen I am having to work my way through this with my older daughter. She has underlying mental health problems which were only recently diagnosed and treated but basically she is a chronic alcoholic which affects the efficacy of the drugs. We've done just about everything we can think of to help her to sobriety including a two month detox and rehab programme but she just started drinking straight away again. She's also lived with us but once her drinking started to escalate I'm afraid her behaviour became increasingly aggressive and chaotic.
Sadly I have had to tell her that she is only welcome now if she is sober and willing to take a breath test as she isn't honest about her drinking. I've found it increasingly stressful but I know I can't control her drinking and basically ATM she doesn't want to stop. It is so tragic, she's an accomplished and talented woman but I think I have almost accepted that she will eventually kill herself. Please be assured there is nothing that you can do until your brother decides to get sober, then you can give support and as much help as he needs. I've had some help from the rehab clinic and their view is that by housing and feeding my daughter I was actually enabling her alcoholism but telling her she needed to find somewhere else to live is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. You are not alone in this. So many families are struggling with family members who are addicts and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

It's a shame isn't it? I'm glad you are engaging with Al anon though for yourself x

Mary, does your brother want to stop drinking when he is sober or reasonably so?

If he doesn't, no amount of interventions or visits to his G.P. AA or any other organization that helps alcoholics stay sober will help.

If in his soberer moments, he does want to stop, he will need a massive amount of help, principally from those trained to help, but also from you, and it is a long, tough road with many landslides back into intoxication along the way.

But, whether he wants to stop drinking or not, you need to set some boundaries for your own sake.

Make it clear to him that he is welcome to phone or visit you when he is moderately sober, but that you will neither allow him into the house, nor take the phone when he is drunk.

I know this sounds harsh, but there is a chance that it will do some good to him. My niece and her husband told both his and her mothers that they were only welcome to visit when they were sober, especially as there were two young children to consider. My sister, after one or two false starts, accepted the rule and was sober when she visited them and until she got back home. Finally she managed to stop drinking entirely.

My niece's mother-in-law couldn't comply and was told by her son not to come visiting when drunk. As far as I know they have not seen her since their now teenage sons were babies.

You will wear yourself to a frazzle if you make yourself listen to maudlin outpourings whenever your brother has consumed a certain amount of alcohol. I know because I have tried being in your shoes.

Neither you nor he will benefit from you wearing yourself out listening to the same old story every single time.

Get yourself another phone with a number that your brother does not have, so your friends can ring you on it, and you know when the other phone rings that it is your brother.

And tell all your friends not to give your new number to your brother.

Answer him once - if he is dead drunk dont't take any subsequent calls from him.

MaryQueen my heart goes out to you. My younger brother was the nicest person in our family, totally unselfish, caring and kind. I still sit and think could I have done more.
All I can say is continue to do what you can but look after yourself. Others have offered advice regarding help. But he has to really want to stop.
It's very sad for you.

MaryQueen I am sure your brother is a lovely man he is not bad but suffering from an illness he himself cannot recognise
My initial contact was with a GP 20 years ago but as I still regularly spend my time in the rooms of AA and meet many new people coming in I not taking my experience from all that time ago
I never actually had any treatment as such that’s really not how AA works
I was referred to the drugs and alcohol team they were lovely but didn’t actually have a Scooby they weren’t alcoholics I think this has now changed to some extent

MaryQueen It is very sad for yourself and your brother, it is a shame that he could not break the cycle of alcoholism which was what he saw growing up and probably put him on the road to his own alcohol problem. Sometimes it is not all the family that succumb to the drink and you broke the cycle and remained teetotal.
The fact your brother got a DUI on his licence and went to court would have put him in the position of being given help, which is what I meant about the referral to the Drug and Alcohol agency although it sounds like he did not make much progress if he was sober only for 2 weeks.

I did say that your brother could go to his G.P although poster Rosie1959 said the GPs have limited knowledge of alcoholism, however that poster said her treatment was over 20 years ago. The G.P can refer the alcoholic to an NHS Drug and Alcohol team which is what happens these days and maybe your brother could have another try. It is surely worth trying rather than give up altogether. I do even wonder how your brothers liver is functioning as it is almost 40 years of drinking that is long time.
Just wish you both well.

We have this problem in the extended social circle and were told like you by the Social Services that nothing can be done until it is acknowledged by the person. We were all getting multiple phone calls each day and have been told to block those as they need to feel they are getting no response which they see as condoning their behaviour.
I really feel for you it is so difficult to want to help and not be able to give it.

thank you everyone for your replies.
My brother has had many interventions and support from the correct agencies.
The longest he has managed is 2 weeks sober.
He has a DUI on his licence, went to court found guilty and given his 'punishment' and given help.
The poor thing is helpless to this disease.
He is now 52 and has been drinking since 14, having alcoholic parents provided him with plenty of booze growing up.
He is mostly a functioning alcoholic and has had several high profile jobs. When not completely drunk he is the nicest kindest most wonderful person. Thats why I love him cos this is who he truly is, not the incoherent useless drunk

3nanny6 That was Alanon not AA and they were actually spot on
Remember both Alanon and AA have years of experience and they certainly know what they are talking about

Not a lot you can do OP until he has had enough don't bother answering the phone to him if he is drunk you can't talk to the bottle.
Quite honestly the only person that would stand any chance of getting him to listen would ideally be another alcoholic in recovery
He doesn't have to live as he doed but he will have to ask for the help
I didn't actually find the GP much use many have a limited knowledge of alcoholism
You have contacted Alanon so in his sober moments could you get him to call AA the only person that will answer that phone will be an ex drunk who may be able to get over to him the hopeless nature of his situation and there is a solution if he wants it
I did that nearly 20 years ago best thing I ever did

MaryQueen you have not said how old your brother is and how long he has been an alcoholic. I wonder has he ever tried to stop the drink such as seeking outside help and perhaps rehab
or is he happy to continue to perhaps drink himself to death.
Sorry I do not want to upset you as you must be already heartbroken that he has taken that route with his life.

The help is available but your brother must want that help himself, his first point would be the GP and they could refer
him to the Drug and Alcohol Team who would provide support to him with his problems.
Alcoholics Anonymous should not have told you that your brothers drinking is none of your business. The drinking is something your brother is responsible for but you could go to AA with him to offer your support and be there.
It is a long frustrating problem to deal with and only you can decide how much time you can give in supporting him as you must take care of your own mental health and stay strong for you. Take care.

Oh, how I feel for you. My husband became an alcoholic and you have to experience being in your shoes to know what hell it can be. I went to AlAnon and found the people there all accepting of the alcoholic's behaviour and drinking. I wanted some support and a way to get him help not embracing his problem. As you say there is nothing that can be done by anyone. The first step has to be the alcoholic saying they have a problem and wanting to get help. Even then it is a long and lonely road for those around them. Have you spoken about his drinking in his sober and saner moments? His replies will tell you the road he is going down. GP's, counselling sessions, rehab and the like would all need his permission. When he phones constantly I would ignore many of those calls. As you say he is totally out of it and won't remember whether you answered or not. Sometimes your sanity has to come first. Please take care.

I'm so sorry MaryQueen. For many years my lovely brother was a binge drinking functioning alcoholic. He could go for days, even weeks without a drink an then get through a litre of gin in one setting.

He would get angry as well as full of self pity and tears. His life spiralled out of control and he blamed everyone else for his troubles and probably still does.

He moved in with my mum who had her own problems and when she died last year, he got a cousin to 'phone to tell me that not only had she died, but there was no money for her funeral.

Mr. S. and I gave her a lovely farewell with just my cousins attending; he wouldn't come which was for the best I think. We are no longer in contact sadly but I love him very much and have wonderful memories of the big brother he used to be.

My heart goes out to you, it's a very sad situation which unfortunately there's nothing you can do about. All you can do is be there for him for as long as he wants you to be and I hope that unlike my brother, he'll always want you in his life.

Has he tried to engage with the local Drug and Alcohol team? A support worker other than you would be good. I feel for you x

I am an alcoholic in recovery for 30 years and the only thing I can say really is that you are powerless over your brother and he will not stop drinking until he wants to and unfortunately he might never want to stop. I do understand how heartbreaking it is for you to have to witness this behaviour and you do have my sympathy…If and when he does decide to stop there is an enormous amount of help out there for him…?

This must be so difficult for you both.

If he's phoning you all the time it seems like a cry for help? Would a doctor's appointment be a starting point?

Hopefully some more knowledgeable folk will come on with better info.
Surely there has to be a way forward.
Hope today's better for you.

Mary Queen I hear you and I sympathise.