To Move or Not to move?

Could you rent for six months at the location you have fallen for? Now might be a good time in that you will get to know the place in the gloomiest months which might prove make or break for both of you. You will also get a better idea of the range of homes available there. I don't think you can really know a place until you have lived there a while and had a chance to get to know people and what there is to do.

We are moving 20 or so miles up the road to a different town. We are both looking forward to it with a great deal of nervousness having lived here for more than 20 years - the longest either of us has lived in one place.
We agreed that this house with three floors is too big and also on a few things we would actively like - more off road parking space, a different gardening challenge.
We also agreed that we will review this move in three years, and be open to moving again then.
Moving house is a hassle for sure, but always worth keeping the spirit of adventure alive. I think that listing pro's and cons and agreeing the ground rules might help.
Having said that I can understand you feeling pretty miffed and I think I would be as well.

Is it that area he is reticent of or moving at all?
Has he expressed his concerns for not wanting to move?

I agree with the idea of renting first, to have a realistic idea of the area.

He is happy with his lot where we are and cannot understand that I am really bored and restless. I have been unhappy here for a few years. His response was that I can move 'once he is gone!' He seems to think that I may not like a new location - but I have carefully selected a new area with everything I am looking for, a good high street, theatres, excellent transport links and a golf course for him!

And you may not however much research you do but you will never know unless you give it a try which I why I suggested renting. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do because you are bored and want a change.

I do think that men and women are fundamentally different when it comes to forming social networks. He may not want to leave his golfing pals and other friendship networks he has whereas you may be confident of making new friends whereever you land.

Can I ask? Are you both retired and if so for how long? What has kept you in the same place for 35 years?

This may sound trite but have you tried drawing up a pros and cons list? Separately, I mean. It might be an interesting exercise.

I suspect your DH thought you were day dreaming and not serious about a move so just went along with it, looking on RightMove etc.

Have the two of you sat down and had a heart to heart talk about this and indeed your whole attitude to age, infirmity and how aand where you live.

I think you need to rein in your bull-in-a-china-shop approach and try and find some common ground. I must saya if my DH did to me, what I suspect you did to your DH, my hackles would be up and I would be digging my toes in.

We had this situation ourselves my husband wanted to move and I did not. After a lot of thinking he accepted it and we are now so pleased we decided to stay as we are. Moving is one of the most stressful times in life and we don’t want stress.

We moved earlier this year after being in our old home for35 years.
My husband had kept saying we needed somewhere smaller,our garden was big, the house was manageable.
We saw the perfect bungaow in a town we liked,and I said, this is perfect and we either go for it or stop talking about moving. We moved.Best thing we did as my husband is now ill and I’d never have managed the garden.
I would also say if you’re bored join the u3a,they have loads of interest groups.
Moving won’t stop boredom.

Could you find out what the obstacle is for him ...the upheaval a move would take, the unfamiliarity if the new place, something / one that he would miss? If you find out what it is specifically, you could reassure him with quotes for moving etc. If not, you could stay a night in a hotel in the new place from time to time, after an evening at the theatre, go for lunch the next day ...try and find a way for it to work for you both.

I agree Sleepygran that moving won't stop boredom.
But moving to a new place means you have to go out and look for what you want to do. It might be a new skill, resurrecting an old hobby etc.

Well, one of you is going to have to give way.

If you are bored you might find things to do in a different town but you will probably be doing it all on your own, and with the cost and upheaval of selling and buying a home, can’t you find interesting things to do where you are?
After all, you are the one who has changed not him and he obviously loves where he lives now, why not find your ‘adventure’ in foreign holidays/ touring, Educational trips ? You could go alone if he prefers to stay at home, but it might be a good compromise once Covid has calmed down.

Could you agree to move somewhere else? Somewhere he might feel had more to offer him?

If you do agree to move, please do take into consideration whether there is suitable public transport in the new place - the day will most likely come when you ought to give up driving.

Or if your husband won't move, could you agree to some other adventure before it is too late? My DH persuaded me to sell up, buy a motor boat and travel the rivers and canals of Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium and France before buying this house.

I didn't like the idea at all to start with, but am glad now that I agreed to the adventure - it was fun.

Every now and again, I would get itchy feet and want to move.
DH would listen carefully, then say "OK then".
I would then hastily pull back and here we still are, happily.

There are some overlaps in my situation, JMcD. You have my sympathy!! Interesting and helpful discussion thread too. Anyway, I do hope you manage to reach some kind of agreement which more or less meets both of your needs/wants. Compromise can become harder with age, so best of luck!! ?.

Another one who sympathises here. I got DH to move but then had to put up with 18 months of sulking. He is happy now and has found activities but I still want adventure and am frustrated by the fact that he is settling into old age even though he's only 69!!
All very well saying go on my own but he doesn't like that and insists he wants to come even though I know he doesn't really. He spoiled a trip to Australia by limiting the time away and the extent of the trip. I'm not surprised at the surge in 60+ divorces. A desire for adventure is a hard one to compromise on.

What exactly are you bored with? You mention that this other place has a good high street, theatres and transport links and a golf course for your husband. Does he actually play golf/want to leave his present club and friends there? You’re not going to go shopping on this wonderful new high street every day, or go to the theatre every night (perhaps your husband doesn’t care much for the theatre anyway?). What else does this other place offer apart from different scenery? Are you just generally fed up and lacking in outside interests which may be available close to where you live if you seek them out? And as others have suggested, holidays abroad or in the UK can provide a lot of different scenery without the hassle and expense of moving.

Perhaps you have some stored up creative energy. Maybe a redecorating project or pursuing a course of interest at a local university may help with the boredom. I can understand that someone who is in their 70s may not want to uproot and if you force the issue and move this may make all of the dreams about a new home become a drag. I wish you well in whatever is decided.

Covid also made me realise that I wanted to move only mines to be closer to family. Just got to find a place to fall in love with first. lol nothing wrong with wanting different things after all your two different ppl. You married to each other not joined at hip. My ex hubby mum and dad are similar ages and she as just decided she wants different to him. So she’s gone to a different area and after 55yrs together she said she is happy she as ever being. He’s still a grumpy. Lol

Thank you all for your responses. It is clear that we are not an isolated case! It is important that we are both happy and eventually one of us must compromise.

JMcD - similar for me. Same age gap too. Our caring son wants us to move nearer him. Half an hour away. Husband can’t do much and I have my problems but manage very well. We both love this house but I’m trying to be practical. Also husband beginning to “ lose” it. Have sold this house in theory but now he is kicking off. Might have to over ride him. Advice welcomed. Hope I am not imposing.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I doubt that he has ‘duped’ you! I suspect he was up for it in theory, but visiting the new area made him realise he didn’t want it. Is it possible that you are feeling restless for something different as many people are due to to frustrations and limitations of the last 2-years. If that is even part of your wish to move, be careful what you wish for. It’s possible that you would regret the move.

Hi, I'm in the same boat! I want to move, husband says it's a waste of money. So sick of the area we live in, been here for 24 years, longest I've lived in one house, I never really liked the area when we first moved. The garden is too big and would love something easier to manage. I feel your pain !

When I met DH 16 years ago he said he wasn’t tied to the area we live in. We are fairly isolated and in a house we are struggling to financially maintain but he announced the other day that we are NOT moving from here. I feel very cheated as, apart from anything else, I moved in with him so we will never choose a home together