A detective story (wih as many as we can manage)

"Thank goodness it's not Sandy Wilson and the body is just sandy" cried Tosh!
"But why has someone done her in? Did they not get the plum part they wanted?"

"Perhaps it was ....."

. . .. a female body. "I know this one. She's a casting agent for a number of TV companies and someone's done her in!"

"No, I think you're an imposter! You are much older than me!"

Meanwhile DS Alison McIntosh gave DC Tosh Lines a Paddington Bear Stare and said "Call yourself a detective? You can't even see that I'm a woman! Time you retired."

Someone yelled "This body's sandy" whereupon Tosh (Alison) burst into tears and said "not my sidekick Sandy Wilson"

She ran over and found .....

. . . A freckled tall guy held out his hand to say "Weren't we at Hendon together. DCI Jack Meadows - remember me?"

.... ‘No, I’m Tosh and you’re Sergeant Cork’ laughed Tosh,
The man looked befuddled for a moment and then laughed too, ‘Ah, yes, I fell asleep on the sand there for a while, waiting for Marriot to bring us ice creams’.
‘There he is now, I’ve been looking forward to this seaside break all year but have been confined to The Smoke with the Ripper case.’
As the nattily attired Marriot approached.....

Went down to look at the body, but on the way Tosh stumbled over a large man lying recumbent on a towel. "Watch it", he says, and clambered slowly to his feet. When he saw her he held out his hand and said "Call me Tosh, and you are . . . ..

that of a TV producer who keeps making unbelievable police and detective series. Just utter tosh!
"Did you call?" said Tosh who had just arrived from Shetland on her hols.

At that moment JP rushed in to announce that they'd found another body on the beach so they all went off to Catherine's Bar to ponder the situation
After a few rum cocktails they .....

Before Humphrey could say anything a man stepped out of the crowd. He was holding a sketch book and flicking through the pages. "DCI Simon Serralier," he said. "And I can identfy that head. I did this sketch last week on the beach. It's......"

... out of the offending luggage fell a severed head. Then he felt a tap on the shoulder and, swiftly turning, he saw Taggart brandishing his warrant card. “Aye laddie, a mudder. Ye’ve got some explaining to do’.”

"Sorry, Steve, my fingers are frozen in this Godforsaken place, I'll leave the arrests up to you."

And with that, Danno hopped on the ferry and caught a flight to Ste Marie where Humphrey Goodman was anxiously waiting for him

"Er, so good to see you, Danno, we've had our 25th murder in a month on this paradise holiday island and we need your help"

Humphrey then disappeared as he tripped over someone's hand luggage and .....

....a good looking if rather smug man wearing a tropical looking shirt, ‘book ‘em Dano’ he said ‘and confiscate their paddles’

spotted Geordie striding towards them. “Christ on a bike!” exclaimed Geordie. “If it isn’t Vera! Come on pet, we’ve work to do back in that tea shop. I’m sure you could murder a cuppa.” Just as he pulled her, puffing, to her feet, along came ...

Vera!

"See you Jimmy" she shouted as she ran, her hat went flying and she tripped over her mac.

Along comes Tosh to save the day but, just as she reached Vera, saying "we need to get out of here" she .....

Tintin asking for an introduction to Hercule, his fellow countryman. But Topcat pounced upon him, Snowy and . . .

She doesn’t sound French to me said Officer Dibble as he removed the handcuffs from Top Cat.
Curl up in the alley TC and watch for any unusual movement.
Just then a small dog emerged from behind the bins, strapped to his back was a note from …

Where Johnny English was trying to arrest Vera
"Anyone who wears a mac like that must be guilty apart from the accent. Is she French?"

Inspector Tuesday searching for his Monday spam sandwiches which had inadvertently fallen from his grasp at the end of the pier. . Suddenly Chief Inspector Bright appeared on the horizon, rowing a small clinker boat. ‘Problem Tuesday?’ He shouted. ‘Nothing to worry yourself about Sir’ ‘Very well, carry on ….’ And disappeared behind the pier ……

"Aw, pet, not like you to fall at the first hurdle" said Vera
"You can keep yer funny foreign food, I'm off to sup some mussels and oatcakes with Jimmy"

"Zut alors" cried Maigret
"I think zere is another body floating in on ze tide"

But it was .......

“Nil carborundum illegittimi “muttered montalbano “but Ciao tutti I’m off home to my lovely apartment on the seashore and my olives and wine “ I’ll let you lot find that woman with the weird accent”

De temps en temps Callistemon nous sommes un petit peu hors de sink.

Nil desperandum, as some would say.

(I'm such a slow typist, ixion )

Maigret who got to Lerwick before her! Did he take a police helicopter?

Or ....

Vera laughed to herself as she leapt on to the ferry to Shetland.

"That lot couldn't organise a booze-up in a brewery, I'm off to find Jimmy Perez (cor, swoon) and get his take on all this."

As she leapt off the ferry at Lerwick she saw .....

"Prenez un grip" spoke a portly gent from under his bowler whence straw coloured hair rebelled furiously against being thus restrained.

The others began to think that Maigret was not all he first seemed to be...

Moi! Simpered Poirot, j’adore les pulls rose!
Mais revenons à nos moutons….où the hell ‘as Vera gone ?

your jumper in pink angora ain't gonna go down well here, lady.
Hey, you lot, who'd wear this?
Surprisingly, a hand went up. Then a gasp, nervous giggle or smirk. Who'd have thought it?