A detective story (wih as many as we can manage)

Suddenly Jane and Precious stopped in their tracks. With an unearthly scream -"Eeaaaaaaaaa!!!" - a black shape exploded out of a nearby letterbox. "'Allo, je suis Cato, assistant to the Inspector Clouseau. I 'ave lost my boss and il est due for a good kicking. 'Ave you seen him?"

Big Ger Cafferty who's got him in a stranglehold"

The Third Man. He's been hanging round The 39 steps with ....

Behind Precious staggered another woman, well-dressed in a suit and high heels and carrying a tumbler of whisky. "Don't worry," she said, "I'm Jane Tennison - no don't call me Ma'am, I'm not the bloody Queen - and I have a Prime Suspect. It's......"

But -
everyone stopped in their tracks, despite a mixed bag of good intentions.
For there, coming out from under the pier, like a ship in full sail, was what Montelbano, in his own foreign inimitable way, was calling a vision of loveliness appeared a large and well endowed lady in, er, the brightest of outfits.

Hello, she beamed, I'm Precious.

Blimey, gawped Gene, you can say that again, love.

woman from Botswana here. I saw her down the road. She's At the International Convention of Friendly Ladies!"

It was Inspector Fowler with Constable Goody. "We need to make an arrest tonight Goody or we will be the laughing stock of Gasford station. Get the .....

... who goes by the name of Dixon. He says he a copper from Dock Green area but I doubt it; he looks too shifty to be the fuzz and he keeps rocking backwards and forwards like a bloody rocking horse. Check him out" shouted Montalbano, as he.....

A man in a beige Trench coat, “let me introduce myself” the man said “my name is Corner , of the Yard ,” “Inspector Corner” Montelbano gasped, “did you see what happened” “sadly not “ said Corner “ my pipe went out and I was preoccupied, However I noticed a man in uniform standing under the pier , a shady character” ………

Pier, a man with a JackRussell on a lead emerged into the sunlight, ‘Barnaby’ he smiled in a quizzical way, ‘do you need back up’? Holmes snorted, turned on his heel and walked away, ‘Come Watson, we will learn nothing more here’ and the two of them disappeared in the direction of the tearoom.
Frost lit his pipe and said ‘anyone fancy a fried breakfast?’
Montalbano nodded vigorously, then pointed at....

Caught sight of a dark shadow behind the …

A small teddy bear. Who nicked Huggy Bear shouted Starsky as Hutch pulled the mirror closer to his beautiful face and caugtt he fight of a dark shadow behind the …

A car pulled up by the esplanade and two men emerged slowly, straightening their ties and shooting their cuffs...’what’s happening then?’ Said the curly haired one, ‘ We came to help!’ Added the bald one.’I know you ’ Gene Hunt pushed through to the front of the group and addressed the bald one,
‘Didn’t you used to be Jasper Carrot’ ?
A distant shout made them all look up ‘Who loves ya baby?!’ It was another bald man who appeared to be sucking on a lollipop....and waving a gun at them, whilst tucked under one arm was what looked like....

Carpet BAG

However they were laughing on the other side of their faces when the carpet sprang open and out rolled a severed arm. Just then Lewis returned from helping Vera with that tricky Geordie accent and immediately took charge if the situation. “Right everyone, …..

Startled Dr Watson, who immediately fell over his own carpet bag which gave the detectives the first laugh of the day.

Poor Alan, you’ll be needing a long sleep drawled Philip Marlowe but then he spied Vera sloping off to see her voice coach about improving her faux Geordie accent …Farewell my lovely ! he yelled which completely…..

"Och noo. None of yer posh Edinburgh way round here mon. Ony one way to deal wi this." And Taggart gave the unsuspecting Alan a Glasgow kiss

As the rain fell and the wind whipped his face, Rebus walked straight past DCI Alan Banks, with a more than a sideways glance at Chris and Mary-Beth.
‘Hurry up Siobhan, get this body logged and bagged ...’ he shouted ‘then sod the tea shop, it’s your round at the Oxford Bar’.

No chance of getting Gene to help (perhaps a good thing). He had eyes only for Chris and Mary Beth, over here on an exchange visit to learn Compassionate Policing from our boys in blue.
'Hmm' he mutters, 'over dressed, over paid and over here'.
He only wishes he had a gun like that in his pocket

When they went through, DCI Alan Banks was already kneeling by the body, accompanied of course by Annie Cabbot, who was still alive(as in the books, not the tv series)

"Gawd" said Frost "you lot are bloody useless. How can the body disappear while you are all sitting here?"

"I saw some men carrying a rolled up carpet" said Maigret with his delightful French accent. " should we ask them if they have seen a body?" Frost jumped to his feet.

"Quick you fools let's ........

scoffed the last of the lemon drizzle and Regan announced "It's like I thought all bloody foreigners North of Watford. Sooner we get back to the smoke the better"
Sherlock lit his pipe and settled into a chair. "This needs some thought Watson"
The door opened and in came a woman. "DI Kate Fleming AC12. "Heard from a CHIS that OCG is active here. I'm the SIO with the MIT. Where's the body?
They pointed to the kitchen but....

On the sea shore, a nattily attired old gent approaches, removes his trilby hat and asks ‘ ‘As anyone sen my boy, Terry, he’s supposed to be findin’ out who done in Ari the Bubble?’
George Carter looks up in a troubled way ‘ that could be me I suppose, the name Terry seems to fit me somehow, also’ he added ‘I think I’m working on a cold case, and having an existential crisis’... ‘Shut it’ yelled Regan, ‘you big girls blouse’
And with that they....

Montalbano peered around the door ‘Not to worry’ he murmured ‘all isn’t lost, there is a large Sicilian lemon cake on the counter, so we can eat before we go!’