Boarding Schools

To be honest, I don't think I would have chosen to marry my husband if he HADN'T gone to boarding school! What I mean is that it can be the making of some in that they become their own person unencumbered by parental lifestyle choices.

My late husband boarded at prep school from the age of six, even though he live about 15 miles from the school. He just loved it - massive grounds, woods, space to run around. He went on to board at a very prestigious senior school which he also loved. I think it depends on the child. Personally I can't imagine sending a child to board at just 6 but then my mother in law is/was something else!

Sorry Curlywhirly18, I didn't go to boarding school but nearly did, twice. One was a school forty miles away but the other in Switzerland. This wasn't a finishing school but one for children with lung problems. When I heard I would be expected to 'climb' mountains, well, that was the end of it all for me, absolutely not! I had enough breath to shout that I was.not.going! I'm afraid that I put up such a stink against going to either that the idea was abandoned (I was a particularly annoying, quite vocal child!).

Those I know that did board have mixed views, some loved it and the others less so. Surely one had to have the correct mix of school and child for boarding to be successful. One wrong element and an unhappy child was the result but if it worked, people had a great time.

There was no PR in those days whereas now, boarding schools do a great job of advertising their schools.

The only people I knew that went to boarding school as young children are damaged, senior school seems ok but a kid of 6 needs his or her parents in my opinion

I went at 11, hell on earth! Being with a person who bullied you 24/7. Still suffer with low self esteem 50 years later.

Why do people have children then send them off to boarding school?

I understand that diplomats, some military personnel and other ex-patriots feel this is the only option , but why should folk who live in the UK within reach of a day school, send their children away?

I remember seeing a documentary programme involving an exchange between Eton pupils and pupils at an inner city comprehensive. At the end one of the comprehensive pupils said to his Eton partner. "your parents must really hate you to have sent you here"

My Dad was a mining engineer in Fiji. I used to fly off each term with eight Australian children to boarding school in Brisbane from age eight to eleven.
I loved every moment, lots of outdoor activity, fantastic art teacher and really good close friends. Probably made a difference that I went with other children from the same village so like family.
Still in touch with one of them sixty years later.
We came back to U.K. so that I could sit the 11+. Went to school locally then.
I don’t think it did me any harm. More harm could have been done by a not very nice mother. However I am of the mind that we choose our own adulthood. Be victim or victor because of or in spite of our upbringing.

My three cousins went to boarding school from a young age as my uncle was in the army and him and my aunt wanted them to have a settled education.

They loved it and I was always a little envious of them, not sure why but it certainly didn't have a negative impact on any of them.

I went to boarding school at the age of 9. My parents were abroad and I only saw them every eighteen months or so. I coped by closing down my emotions, something that has stayed with me all my life. I think I might have been able to cope if I could have seen my parents during half term or the school holidays but it was very lonely when all the other children were taken out and just a couple of us were left behind. It is not something I would have done to my own children.

Oh Framilode that’s awful. How sad.
At least I was able to fly home for all the holidays, it’s just a short hop Suva to Brisbane.

One of the key things when reading about Boarding School Survivors was that they may well think they loved it etc but have no concept of how the experience impacted on them or how their behaviours link to that experience. Not necessarily bullying or extreme experiences but just the nature of how a young child copes with being left at a young age and the impact that has on them, their behaviours and personalities as they grow to adulthood

Some of the characteristics that MAY be seen in those sent to Boarding School at a young age apparently are:

*struggle with emotional intimacy, causes to feel anxious?
*struggle to switch off. During holidays or down time, tend to need to find something to do
*very controlling or a perfectionist? spouse or children might often point out that they feel like they can't do anything right?
*function well on a career or financial level but not on an emotional plane?
*feel like a failure or at least really scared of being seen as a failure
*find it hard to relax
*feel out of touch withown needs
*happy to give to others but don't spend any time giving to self.
*often feel alone, even when in a group of people
*in intimate relationships find that avoid their partner
*have a deep seated fear that they are unlovable?
*a workaholic and feel much more comfortable working hard
*people react to them as if they are a bully
*struggled with addictions
*a pattern of not committing to relationships, and potential partners say that they blow hot or cold
*when things are not going well in a relationship tend to avoid conflict?
*prefer to be secretive or covert in conflict if it does arise
*always taking care of others but really struggle to take care of self?
*provide for family on a financial level but not on an emotional one?
*find it hard bringing up children?
*try to keep out of trouble, and get scared that you might get caught?
*fear exposure as a fraud or impostor?
*had or still have sleep disorders or sexual problems?
*easily get stressed?
(Nick Duffell)

Apparently a high proportion of people sent to boarding school at a young age exhibit some and often many of these characteristics and behaviours

Framilode I went to boarding school at the age of 9. My parents were abroad and I only saw them every eighteen months or so. I coped by closing down my emotions, something that has stayed with me all my life. I think I might have been able to cope if I could have seen my parents during half term or the school holidays but it was very lonely when all the other children were taken out and just a couple of us were left behind. It is not something I would have done to my own children.

I went at aged 8 years. The longest gap in seeing my parents was 3 years, the rest of the time 1 year - 18 months gap. You describe exactly what is dawning on me about myself as I read about Boarding School survivors . For some reason I think lockdown has got me thinking about stuff I haven't thought about for very many years

LauraNorder
don’t think it did me any harm. More harm could have been done by a not very nice mother. However I am of the mind that we choose our own adulthood. Be victim or victor because of or in spite of our upbringing.

How I wish that were true!. At age 71, I've been having hypnotherapy to discover the cause of my extreme anxiety and lack of self-esteem. The therapist was absolutely shocked at what came out, in terms of my mother's behaviour towards her three, now very damaged children. We are three highly intelligent, very successful professionals who will never be emotionally stable, sadly. Not our choice-wish it were in my gift to decide otherwise.

The therapist was absolutely shocked at what came out, in terms of my mother's behaviour towards her three, now very damaged children

I am sorry you experienced that Boudicea

I suspect that this thread will be largely judge and jury on boarding schools. At least it looks that way so far.
However I absolutely did love it, they were really good fun years, a good education and plenty of time with family too.
At our occasional reunion we have all discussed how great those years were.
We are all reasonably well adjusted, had pretty good careers, kept long term friends, have happy family life.
Happy in my own skin thanks in spite of the psycho babble.

My DH is the 3rd of 4 boys The older 2 boarded but dh was knocked down by a car and had to relearn to walk etc so he and his younger brother went to a different school as day boys.

The olderc2 are weird!

Psycho babble was a reference to the publication Boarding School Survivors.
If your going to sell a publication the first rule is to find the worst cases.
I do sympathise with those of you who have had bad experiences and find it sad that you are still suffering.

I suspect that this thread will be largely judge and jury on boarding schools. At least it looks that way so far.

Its not about judge and jury. I asked a question, people are answering it from their perspective.

The list I added was from Nick Duffell who has done work looking at boarding schools and the impact, positive and negative,. I am unclear why that is dismissed as psychobabble, its just a list of things he has identified and I am interested whether any feel familiar to others who went to boarding school, both those whose experience felt good and those who felt it was less so.

What age did you go Lauranorder - I wonder if age when one goes makes a difference to how one later feels about the experience

LauraNorder Sorry, posts crossed, I see you have since referred to your psychobabble reference re Nick Duffell.

Age eight to eleven years Curlywurly.
Perhaps I was a bit sensitive when comments like ‘the only people I know who went to boarding school are damaged’ or ‘the two brothers who went to boarding school are weird’, are made by people who didn’t.
Happy days was my experience so I’ll leave it there.

I didn't go to boarding school, although given my fairly horrific childhood, it might have been preferable. I have, however, worked in boarding schools.

Almost all of the children I've worked with have thrived. For some, it was their choice to go, rather than their parents. There have been a few that I have felt were being damaged by it, but they were definitely in the minority. But maybe things have changed in boarding schools today.

I made the comment about DH'sc2 brothers and stand by the comment that they are weird. That doesn't mean all people who went to boarding school were but DH's brothers are.

It somehow seems telling that the thread has become sensitive so quickly. I think Boarding, and going to boarding schools is a sensitive subject both for those who feel it was a positive experience and those who don't.

I also am pondering on the difference when children go home for half terms and holidays and those who, for whatever reason, do not see their parents for a year/2 years or whatever. I suspect that makes a difference to the experience and also how it is perceived as an adult.

Gagajo yes I think boarding schools have changed in recent years

Our two sons (I don't know how to do DS as a plural) went to boarding school from the age of 11, as DH was in the military. They are both well adjusted, happy men with loving family lives. I don't see anything in that list which applies to them. They made great friends at school and still see lots of them frequently, far more than I do. (I wasn't boarding.) They had a very good headteacher and house staff who prioritised happiness and good friendships. We chose a school which wasn't too far away and which had 'down to earth' staff, nothing 'posh. We visited a few and knew when we had found the right one.