Boarding Schools

The variability has always been acknowledged and is by Nick Duffell.

Some children did not go to other family members. Some stayed at school through the holidays. Some were put into wardship with "Gaurdians" ...who may or may not have been people known to them. For you it was an aunt who you knew. That is good! Some did not see their parents for several years. Some never really identified a home in England. Some did. Some led quite normal lives. Some did not.

Variability of experience there certainly is! Which in the end does not detract from some common traits often but not always identified in ex boarders, from different backgrounds and experiences of school/holidays/gaurdians/home life etc.

Some will feel it is not relevant to them, which is fine. Others can find some relevance to themselves, which is also fine.

It is interesting reading all the responses to my original question both from ex boarders and parents who chose boarding for their children, and those, like yourself, Monica who have experienced both. It really highlights what a complicated subject this is with lots of differing aspects

It is this variability that I have been trying to emphasise.

When children, and I was one, only went home in the summer, the norm was to spend the other holidays with family members. My sister and I lived with our paternal grandparents and the aunt who was officially our Guardian. We saw that as our home in England. My grandparents had a large family and mixed with all sorts of people in school holidays.

I was at a school close to several army bases, so there were a lot of boarders like me, who only went home in the summer, I cannot think of one who did not spend all the other holidays with other family members. In one case this did go disastrously wrong, but most of us led quite normal lives in the holidays.

Been away a few days so just catching up on the interesting conversation

I see the damage , my DH doesn't!

That is interesting shelflife I have heard others say that. Also, there is some recognition that has been studied, mentioned in Nick Duffell's book, that ex boarders in particular contexts may well not be able to recognise aspects of the impact of that experience because of the nature of their adaptation to school life at a very early age.

I too do not see "sweeping statements". No-one is saying that all identified traits apply to all ex boarders in all circumstances or even that those traits always apply.

There certainly were in the early 1960s. All those working class boys who benefitted from the Butler education reforms of the late 1940s. They were grammar school boys, mainly from from northern towns who came to, what is now, Newcastle University and was then Kings College, Durham

That is interesting Monica; I hadn't really previously considered that context in relation to universities.

Oh, the afraid of boys, do not know how to behave around them myth. Since most of us had homes and parents to go to in the holidays....

For some it is not a myth. A version of that has been identified in some ex boarders, (not ALL ex boarders,) and taking into account the different circumstances of boarding.

It would not surprise me if it is a trait seen in those who did not return home in the holidays or did not see their parents every holidays for whatever reason. And of course it would be understandable and not really surprising if their experience of boarding differed considerably from their peers who did go home/see their parents every holiday.

It is good that it did not apply to you Monica. The school you describe that your son attended, sounds great by the way! You are right when you say it varies from school to school.

It varies from school to school. I was an armed forces boarder, DH was a weekly border. We had been told by his state school teachers and medical staff to send him to a smaller school if possible, we made it possible, we looked at several schools before we were at one accord on the one he chose, Unfortunately it meant weekly boarding.

One of its attractions was the lack of timetabling and regimentation and its laid back atmosphere. He visited other schools with sports teams and used to comment with horror about how rigid these schools were.

From our point of view it turned a rather lost and lonely boy into an assured and confident young man and he made friends that he has to this day (he is 50). Although not a loner, and well-liked, he never made any proper friends at primary school., preferring to retreat to home rather than join other children in any events.

I am not saying we did not have ups and downs, we did, but overall he did better, not bcause classes were smaller, they weren't, but teachers saw solutions to the various problems the children had, rather than saying 'He is a clever boy, he will find a solution to his problems', which was what the teachers at his, actually, very good state primary, always said to us.

People in the armed forces may have no option , I can understand that. But why on earth would anyone send their children away to school!!! They are really ' in care'. I find it a very difficult concept to understand . I am sure many ex boarders have good memories but so many don't!!!! Probably changed as the years have gone by , but even in the most caring school they are not at home. My husband missed out on family occasions because he was in school. Every minute of his day was timetabled , school work , evening prep. , army cadets - no time to develop imagination or persue a chosen hobby. Always having to spend time
'wisely' no opportunity to to simply 'be' . This is not intended to upset anyone , just my view !

Tjhere certainly were in the early 1960s. All those working class boys who benefitted from the Butler education reforms of the late 1940s. They were grammar school boys, mainly from from northern towns who came to, what is now, Newcastle University and was then Kings College, Durham.

The vast majority were studying engineering and science. The Humanities departments were all quite small.

That was the background of most of my boyfriends and I ended up marrying one, although he was southerner, but working class and passed his 11+ went to grammar school. His closest friend from a similar background became a Naval officer and other of his friends followed similar career trajectories.

Before Mrs Thatcher turned all the Polytechnics into universities, many young men who started at 15 as apprentices, went to Polies to get their Lower National Certificate and Higher National Certificate in their trade and then studied further to get degrees and Chartered Engineer status. I worked with some of these men when they were managers in British Gas, when I worked there.

In the immediate post-war period there was considerable social mobility. Where do you think burgeoning growth in those classified as middle class came from over that period. It wasn't because white collar workers were having lots of children.

Blimey. I had not realised there were working class universities

Neither had I Grangma70

M0nica: ‘A northern industrial, very male and working class university’.

Blimey. I had not realised there were working class universities

I haven't particularly noticed "sweeping statements. More descriptions of people's experiences in response to OPs original question.

I have read the book the OP commented on, that is identifying common characteristics/traits seen in people who went to boarding school, not making sweeping statements as such.

Ofcourse there are so many different boarding schools with so many different styles, approaches etc. And so many different reasons for children going to boarding school. And some who couldn't return home in the holidays. None of that particularly detracts from the common themes/traits found in many boarders that the book refers to.

This is an interesting thread

One of my nieces helped out for several years on summer camp at a well known boarding school, many of the girls were from overseas, learning English. Their wealthy parents put good language above all else, most of the girls only went home once a year, sad really, just dumped.

I think the point is Galaxy that these sweeping statements made about how boarding school damages children are themselves subject to doubt. Some children undoubtedly had negative and unhappy experiences at boarding school and itl eft them with a variety of problems afterwards. On the other hand other children had a perfectly satisfactory time at boarding school and had no residual problems.

I am not suggesting that my experience was the norm, on the other hand little evidence has been offered to say that it was not a common experience. We just do not know.

I am not sure how helpful anecdotal experience is to be honest, so dh attended a single sex school, and his experience was the direct opposite of Monica's in terms of relationships.

Oh, the afraid of boys, do not know how to behave around them myth.

Since most of us had homes and parents to go to in the holidays and quite a number had brothers, I think this side of things was grossly overrated. I didn't have brothers, but, once into my late teens there were handsome young subalterns, always glad of partner at social 'dos'. I had a father, uncles, cousins, and friends with brothers.

I went from a single sex boarding school to a northern industrial, very male and working class university. I cannot remember having any relationship problems that others didn't have and some friends saw me as the best person to turn to for advice when their relationships were in trouble.

My Husband went to a psoh boarding school.
I went to a London comprehensive.
We work well as a team, though I have the upper hand!

My DH went to boarding school from age 8 , did him no good at all - IMO. We have wonderful happy children, and I made it very very clear before we married that any children we had would NEVER ,go to boarding school.
I see the damage , my DH does'nt! However we have been married a long time , he is my rock and only true love.

Monica Yes I can see that. But the single sex aspect and the nature of the school I attended did not develop wider social skills very effectively.

Vetnry Girls as well as boys go to boarding school, although for girls the transfer to secondary boarding school is at 11 not 13.

Madgran I am not sure that your last sentence is entirely true. I think the learning to mix with, and live in a community does a lot to hone ones social skills. I found being at boarding school made the transfer to university much easier, because I was used to being away from home within a supportive community that I had the social skills to deal with the more laissez-faire atmoshere at University. I was used to socialising in a group. making friends in a new group and generally negotiating new corcumstances.

Vetnry I agree that such schools may well provide educational opportunities, to some extent mine did.

In terms of social and emotional skills though they were rather less effective.

Interesting Vetnry. There are advantages and disadvantages to Common Entrance at 13 years. Educationally it means that it is unlikely children in prep schools will have been taught by specialist teachers in years 7 and 8. Especially in the all important Sciences and languages. Moreover, as anyone knows year 6 pupils, they are ready to move on to new challenges and new educational settings, especially as they mature faster these days. On the other hand moving on to board in year 9 does mean that the children have had time to flourish and find themselves in a more "gentle" environment.

OK - boarding isn’t for everyone - but most of us ( ex public schoolboy boarders ) would feel our experiences were on balance educationally advantageous and enabled the majority
of us to get the very best out of our subsequent university education. Additionally there are the lifetime friendships we acquire.
I feel starting them as boarders at prep school age is a step too far but Common Entry Exam age (12-13) is about right.
There will be a bit of a shake out of those unsuited to boarding school in the first couple of terms - but that is normal and shouldn’t deter even the most nervous of parents from giving their boys such an advantage in life

Sounds like boarding school was a generally positive experience for you janash. Lifelong school friends can be a great support.

I went to boarding school at 11 and left when I was 18.
I sobbed uncontrollably for my first week there - and cried far far longer when I left age 18!
I made some lifelong friends, whose friendship I still value 50 years on. I was paralysed 16 years ago, learned to walk agin with difficulty - but it was one of the men I knew at school who has supported me through my recovery, despite me being married, he understands the difficultiess I go through far better than my husband!
On Tuesday a group of us who were at school together will be attending the funeral of one of our teachers, We held our teachers in high regard, and are all proud to go and support their families when they sadly lose their family members.

Josianne I agree that there is possibly more awareness of pastoral care these days. In my time, pastoral care rather depended on the nature, personality and interest of the staff at the time

Gagajo I am sure your presence made a huge difference to the girls in your care. There was one particular housemistress at my school for a time, who was very popular and loved precisely because she provided an understanding listening ear and had a realistic approach towards teenage girls. There was also a young Norwegian woman who came to work at the Junior boarding house for a year who we all adored. She treated us like the children we were, recognised what we were dealing with with our parents abroad and long gaps between seeing them, gave us all individual time to chat etc. Spot on. We all missed her when she left.

Monica
So he was able to be himself and flourished because of this.

That is good Monica Nothing I have said suggests that boarding is not right per se, or wrong, for everyone. Clearly you made the right decision as parents for your son

To say boarding school does not suit some children means you are saying that it is the child's fault for not conforming is a wilful misinterpretation of what I said

It was not a wilful misinterpretation of what you said. I acknowledged and said "unless I have misunderstood"! I am not trying to have an argument here, I simply said that the sense of it being something about the child that makes it not work is a theme identified by some ex boarders. I am sorry that my comment appears to have annoyed you, that was not the intention

I think the boarding v day school is a lot more complicated than this book would suggest. There are far too many variables and just because someone blames some aspect of their life on a particular experience doesn't always mean they are right

The book is NOT about "Boarding" v "Day School". As you have not read it, only read about it, the articles you read may have given an incorrect impression. It is about common themes identified in ex boarders, some of which MAY cause them difficulties they may need to work through or whatever.

How many GN threads have their been, when an OP talks about a problem in their life and its cause, only for it to become clear as the thread develops, that the problem and its cause is not as the OP sees it. There is one such thread running at the moment.

My original OP asked if anyone had been to Boarding School and followed with:

"If so, do you feel it has impacted on you all your life? Do you have reactions/behavioural patterns etc that you can see link to those early experiences. I have just been reading about "Boarding School Survivors" - the main focus is on boys/men but there are some references to the impact on women and I have been surprised by some of the things that I can identify in myself. Just interested in whether anyone else feels the same way?"

It has created an interesting discussion on different people's experiences and views as ex boarders and as parents of children who boarded. It is not an attempt to "prove" or "disprove" whether they are right or wrong in those views of their experiences, nor is it an attempt to upset anyone or make them feel angry.

I hope the thread can continue in that vein, many have said they are finding it interesting.

That's lovely GagaJo. They will remember you for your support and kindness as much as your fabulous lessons in the classroom. It is so important when they are away from home, just being there for them, even at midnight when they can't get to sleep for worries!
In prep boarding schools I notice the housemasters and house mistresses often achieve this by being fun -silly- with the kids after school and at weekends, but still maintain that all important respect during lessons. Quite a difficult task, but the young teachers are very enthusiastic.