Reprimanded (Gently) for Letting My 2-Week-Old Grandson See My Face When Parents Want Him to Go To Sleep

They’re are probably extremely tired. Try not to worry about it.

Many years ago I travelled from Yorkshire to London to see my first grandson and when I reached out to hold him (well swaddled in shawl) I was told to wash my hands first. I was also not allowed to have the light on when the baby was being fed, which meant I could not read or entertain myself while this was going on. This was to create absolute calm and quiet. So not a particularly happy memory for this lovely time. I could go on with all the strange rules that governed that household. No idea where all these ideas came from, the other grandma was a very down to earth lovely woman.

It's their first child let them try what they want, it might work or not,I believe babies only see patterns and colours for the first few weeks.
Don't let it show that you took it personally keep your distance for a few days and see if they call for help'
If you do end up as carer make sure you have a written list of all their rules and patterns they follow.
We all love our grandchildren and want as much contact as possible but they are the family unit.
You never know they might realise that some things it will not work ,others will be completely new to you..
My MIL always insisted on changing my children on the settee "Out of the way of draught dear", with a nappy fastened with two pins on the hips until one rolled off and as she caught it the nappy came off in her hands ,she soon reverted to my kite nappy and a changing mat on the floor.
Go with the flow.

It does sound a bit ott, but as new parents they will be bombarded with the latest new ideas as well as the worry of getting it right, there were things my dil and ds wanted me to do, it was very much baby lead parenting, which was OK until baby no2 came along, they the benifits of routine are suddenly not so bad,

Their rules - but I think it’s bl#*dy ridiculous!

They would be looking for someone else to look after it when they returned to work ,seriously ridiculous

I have been looking online to see if I can find something about this...nothing. There is a lot about how important it is for babies to see faces...they need to connect and feel secure to relax. There was a fad with new mothers a few years ago to just let a baby cry. I worked in a department store on a USAF base...it was horrendous...babies crying continuously. Young mothers got together and obviously exchanged ideas...things they had heard. I suspect that this not looking at the babies face will end up stressing them out so much they will stop doing it. A baby needs to be in the arms of a relaxed person to fall asleep.

I reprimanded my Mum once for giving my 12 month old crisps on his high chair tray at a party I really wish I hadn't as she was only trying to help and the look of hurt and embarrassment on her face still haunts me .
I could have just discreetly picked them up .
I miss her terribly and I understand you must be feeling hurt NewGranny.

What a strange technique to get a baby to sleep! I can't help wondering why he doesn't just fall asleep anyway once he's been fed and changed, mine always did at that age. Have they tried just putting him in his cot and getting on with their usual routine, and not tiptoeing around him. A comfortable, well fed baby will fall asleep when he's ready. Sometimes I think parents try too hard these days. The baby has to fit into their lives not the other way round.

Our children slept through any noise because we never made a special effort to be quiet around them. Our eldest liked to sleep on top of the vacuum cleaner when it was on!

Its all over the top nowadays. As already said i cannot imagine how we survived before. How did people cope with the very large families they had, they had no time for the plethora of "rules" there seems to be now. Will be very interested to see how these children turn out. My own dear mum would have just laughed at it all. But us grandparents often find ourselves in a very unfunny situation. Very unfair as lots of us bend over backwards to help something i never had.

Its a technique which allegedly avoids stimulating the baby when he is supposed to be sleeping. I used it during nightime feeds only, no eye contact, change, feed and back to sleep as they come to realise there is nothing to stay awake for, I might be wrong but I think it was a Gina Ford technique

I was also thinking what eazybee was, it makes more sense, that if they 'don't want him to see faces' then put him away from any faces! Ive had 7 kids, and ive got 9 grandkids.And ive never heard of this idea- it must be new.Cant see it will work though.??

Crazy, if I were you just obey them when they are present, but when you’re in charge it’s your rules . Baby isn’t going to report back to mum and dad

Love “The Yorkshire Farm” top class parenting. I’ve been a primary teacher for thirty years and wish all the children I’ve taught are lucky enough to have parents like Amanda and Clive. Also, as a trained psychologist, I know how important it is to establish eye contact and face recognition early on. My two month old granddaughter falls asleep gazing into my eyes whilst I sing to her, or maybe boring her ?. I really feel for OP, and feel some replies are rather harsh.

They sound totally bonkers to me!!

But if they want to impose rules then that's up to them, but they need to tell other people what the rules are beforehand rather than telling them off when they don't know that they are doing something "wrong".

My daughter advised me not to speak to or look at my baby grandson during his midnight feed when I had him overnight. It seemed to make a lot of sense. However, it was ADVICE and not a reprimand. You sound hurt and I don’t blame you. I’ve heard horror stories from my friend , who often has her grandchildren full time for days, about what she’s been told that she’s doing wrong. She gets very hurt but says nothing. It’s probably best to say nothing but I can imagine how you feel. Take heart, it will pass and they will probably feel embarrassed when they think of it. I still cringe when I think about the step by step instructions I gave my Mum about bottle feeding my first baby. ?X

There is a technique used on children who get up out of bed after they’ve been settled ( we all know children like that I guess!) the adult is encouraged not to talk to or make eye contact with the child, just to gently pick up, carry and place them back into bed. Sometimes the child gets up numerous times but eventually, not getting any conversation or eye contact they give up and go to sleep! I can’t see this would work with a tiny baby. I’ve seen it work with those aged 2+ Who can get out of bed unaided.

Hello there
Who said this to you?Regardless both parents are probably knackered and getting used to having a baby around regardless whether its their first or not...try and let it go for now but perhaps nearer the time you start to look after baby asked them to include you in any ideas of how they would like him/her brought up..

My Daughter will be going back to work at some point although I am unsure if I would like to look after My Grandchild even for one day a week ..our relationship hasnt always been easy so I will be taking My time with this decision for various reasons .

I was/am always interested to hear or read the latest guidelines on baby and childcare and can often ‘suggest’ things to my daughter, which admittedly is quite easy as she is often receptive to many things I come up with. She has a few routines that are different to what I used to do, but I don’t find them odd, just different ! And who knows, they might work! I hope I will be the same with my other daughter and my son/ daughter in law when they (eventually!) become parents but I, of course, will feel my way gently! We tend to be quite outspoken in our family and don’t get’ crushed’ too badly so I don’t anticipate too many problems. In fact, it’s more likely to be my elder daughter, a mum of four, who gets mildly offended if her pearls of wisdom lie unheeded!

I hear you New Granny and can empathise. When normal people become new parents they can temporarily turn into irrational and obsessive people out of fear of 'getting it wrong'. A new baby is a huge responsibility and, of course, there is so much stuff on the internet and endless books about how to be a good parent... often quite overwhelming for new parents in my opinion. These days it's no longer by instinct but by the rules. Don't take it to heart... they will relax. And you must let them do it their way and make their own mistakes, despite all the knowledge you yourself have gained that you might want to pass on. On the rare occasion that I made a suggestion to my daughter I could see that she felt a bit undermined. So just offer lots of encouragement and support and forget your own needs and ideas for just now... it will resolve itself in time. I did find it hurtful and felt quite excluded at first... but it wasn't my baby and they needed to find their own feet, themselves. It's part of their 'growing up' too.

Callestemon when mine were toddlers I attended a course run in London as part of a larger Child Care Initiative.

The light touch application of this method was to not engage eye contact the moment bed time started.

Using it in its fullest sense was to completely resist eye contact with any interaction with the baby until this became the normal way both communicate.

I felt it was counter intuitive, and dangerous emotionally as it seemed to be the opposite of Bowlbys research.

I feel your pain, my three eldest grandkids parents didn't have any specific do's and don'ts but my youngest daughter has loads of rules I can and can't do I look after him while parents at work and I do follow the rules gs is 20 months and he's good as gold and in a set routine with regard to naps and meal times and tbh makes my life easier

This is yet another mad "theory" probably from too much Google or "how to be a parent" searching.

For a start, don't get the child used to drifting off in someone's arms. His parents (or you when they return to work) will end up doing this even when the child is 2 or 3! I know, because I had to do this with our grandson, simply because his parents never put him in his cot to sleep.

How do we think babies learn? As my Nanny used to say, babies are artful little monkeys. They soon get the hang of things like this.

I agree Huguenot
I hadn’t had much hands on experience with babies at all when I had my first, so I had a huge amount to learn.

The one thing which did occur to me very early on though was that it was probably a good idea to put put the baby down to sleep while still awake, so that he learned to settle himself and drop off. I could foresee problems if I always held him and rocked him off.
Inexperienced though I was that was something I stuck to as much as possible and all of mine were very good sleepers.

I’m quite sure I made plenty of other mistakes but naps and bedtime I had sussed!

So how was his dad carrying him - with his face averted? All these new-fangled ideas make me wonder how any one of us ever managed to bring up a family - including the parents of our grandchildren. We had a granny here saying she was reprimanded for allowing the child to watch television - and then there are the "do not feed the child except at 12.00 noon sharp" regulations... The mind boggles.