Women mourn, men replace

A lot of men and women seem to move on within 12 months. Sometimes , probably most often, it is just for companionship and they keep separate houses. We see this all the time in the clubs we are in. Any single man is ‘snapped up’ very quickly. The age range is 65-90.

Moving on too quickly with no regard for the feelings of your children or friends, definitely depends on the character and personality type of the man (or woman).

Narcissism sadly doesn’t typically lessen with aging, and there are plenty out there that are just looking for a new ‘supply/replacement.’

My husband and I sadly experienced this when he lost his dear mother a few years ago to cancer. She was a very kind person. She was married to my father in law 42 years. He’s always been a more selfish type, but his behavior after she passed was downright disgusting. He started acting shifty as soon as she passed. Grief is different for all of us, though there are certain behaviors that clearly show a persons true colors.

He was all smiles and laughs at the funeral which was incredibly off putting. Turns out he’d joined an online dating site, and some believe he may have done so before she even passed. Just awful.

To make matters worse, he called my parents on my mother’s last birthday, when she was terminal with Leukemia. She didn’t know he’d been in a new relationship. We didn’t tell her because she was very ill and knew it would upset her. He proceeded to brag about his new girlfriend and what a great cook she was. It was terrible. It upset my mom and worried her that even after 55 years of a loving marriage to my dad, that he might do the same. He hasn’t. She’s been gone nearly three years and my dad is still speaking kindly of her every day. It’s so sweet. He is a handsome senior man and every time we’re out he has ladies flirting with him and he says ‘no way, my heart is your mom’s forever.’ Even if he did find someone at this point, he’s handled everything so well and respectfully during his and our grief that we’d be accepting of it (as long as she was a genuine good person).

Sadly, we have a very diminished relationship with my husband’s dad now. His selfish and clueless behavior affected everyone. Many psychologists say there’s no ‘too soon’ timeline with moving on, but that’s simply not true. There will be a falling out with those close to you if you have empathy deficits and only put your interests first, especially while those who truly care are suffering through deep loss.

Re Hunter Davies. I used to love his colum in the newspaper some years ago. Very funny with his dry humour. But since his wife died he comes across as you say. My thoughts are that he was always like that but his strong wife gave the impression he was a strong personality to but since she sadly died there’s no one carrying him?

My friend lost her husband at 63. She was devastated. Shortly afterwards she was approached by a widower who asked her if she was interested in him bringing a chicken round and all the trimmings for her to cook as he missed his wife’s roast.
What she said began with F and the second word began with O.
She didn’t really say that as she was a lady…but she thought it.
I would never marry again. I might have separate homes and visitation rights, but I am not cleaning, cooking and washing again.
Has anyone read the piece in Saga magazine by Hunter Davies . His wife died and he has met someone else and writes about their relationship every week. I don’t think he has any idea that he comes over as a entitled prick. What is Claire doing with him, beats me.

My husband died 44 years ago, on his grave stone

‘I Shall Not Look Upon His Like Again’

I was criticised and told ‘rubbish ,you will marry again within 2
years’.

*hollysteers, thank you for going to the trouble of posting that source.
At first glance that looks like a foregone conclusion but those statistics are quite outdated and quite limited in looking at circumstances.
I suspect that in this country with the Widow's Allowance having been radically overhauled and limited, there will be a movement in the statistics. Similarly with the "clean break" marriage settlements where women can't rely on maintenance for the rest of their lives. I know that sounds cynical but if you've been burned and your income is going to disappear the moment you remarry, that is a big step to take.

Susysue thank you so much x

Socksandsocks01 I wish you well. You deserve all the happiness x

I was divorced at 24. After a brief but horrific marriage stayed single for 37 years. Didn't want another man. Now I have a boyfriend and it is lovely to have the warm and love of another man. Different if your partner dies I think. But some women also cannot live alone without a man.

I don’t think you can tar everyone with the same brush. My parents were absolutely devoted to each other. Dad was 8 years older than Mum so they (and we) had an expectation that Dad would go first. Mum died in May 2012, Dad died in October last year. Dad never showed the slightest sign of seeking female companionship or beginning a relationship. We would have supported him had that been his choice, but he remained as devoted to her in death as in life ❤️❤️❤️

Haydnpat

A friend of mine died, her husband waited 6 months, went on a cruise met a divorcee remarried with the year. He lost a lot of friends

If his ‘friends’ sat in judgement he’s probably better off without them. I’ve been in this position - met the man who is now my husband within 12 months of losing my husband of 40 years. You don’t plan moving on, you certainly don’t ‘replace’ the person you’ve lost (a very insulting term) and it’s definitely not the easy transition that some on this thread appear to think. I lost friends - they made it clear they couldn’t accept me with a new partner and I was shocked at the realisation that I was expected to spend the rest of my life alone to avoid causing them ‘offence’. Some of these people were the same female halves of couples who viewed me with suspicion because I was now a woman alone, and presumably they thought I’d come after their own partners. They backed away from me at a time when I probably needed support the most, and yet were aghast when I moved on. You can’t win.

A friend of mine died, her husband waited 6 months, went on a cruise met a divorcee remarried with the year. He lost a lot of friends

My mum died when she was 57 , very sudden she had a stroke while out shopping was dead within two weeks. My dad never ever thought about remarriage mourned her until he died himself aged 82.
He was very able to fend for himself and was a better cook than her ( bless her) his Fry ups were legendary in our family we all still miss them.
My dil’s parents were of a similar situation her mum dying and her dad not contemplating remarriage.
My neighbor and friend lost her husband very suddenly to a heart attack which was very traumatic but within a year to 18 months she was in a relationship had moved on.
I don’t agree with the title of the post at all, and some of the judgmental posts : like a few poster have said never judge until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes.

icanhandthemback
“By 25 months after the spouses death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or in a new relationship” D.S.Schneider.
There’s lots of information if you google the question.

my sentiments exactly, my husband died 6 years ago life is just great, living happily alone with my dog, wish I had stayed a happy free as a bird gal.

hollysteers, can you quote a source for your statistics please?

I think widowers will often be better trained, they will often have been caring for their wife for some time gradually doing more of the house and garden work. Also as other have said they have done much of their grieving already, and look for a new companion quickly.
That was the case for me, he had been caring for his wife for 3 yrs, so can cook, clean and look after the garden. He even does his own washing, so I have a very easy time although I do try to do at least half the cooking. It was companionship he wanted, someone to travel with, to socialize with, certainly not to keep house for him. I wanted someone to cuddle and care for me, although we did know each other quite well I was so surprised when he asked me for a date.
You never know what the future will bring!.

Mapleleaf it’s an interesting thread and few thoughts occur.
Firstly, if someone has been caring for a sick partner for a long time and ‘suddenly’ forms a relationship and marries after the partner’s death, it has probably been going on for quite some time and is understandable.
Secondly, the statistics still prove men are more likely to remarry and in a shorter time span than women.
Thirdly, there are lots of women therefore marrying these widowers, so it takes two to tango?
Fourthly, I have a close male friend for trips, gallery going and the odd weekend, but that is enough for me now.

The victorians said one son to inherit, one son for the church, one son for the army and one daughter to look after you in your old age. This is exactly what happened in my father's family. His mother was the spare daughter who just went off and married someone her family did not approve of. The inheritor was killed in WW1.

I divorced my first husband at 32,I had two small children.
At 36 I met a man 15 years older than myself and married him nine months later. We were both very happy but sadly he died of cancer two weeks before our first wedding anniversary. We had met at a singles club where I had made many friends,mainly couples,who persuaded me to return after nine months.
Within a few weeks, I met a lovely man similar in age to me.We married nine months later and were happy for 37 years before he sadly died ,( two years ago tomorrow).
I would never marry again ,it was definitely third time lucky for me .

Well, you’ve had lots of responses now, hollysteers, with different thoughts and opinions. Do any of them resonate with you?

Wow what a statement - it’s not something I’ve found . Three of my friends whose husbands died have found NP’s . Two about 3 years since their husbands died.
They didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives by themselves. Fair enough I say.
Also my husband can clean / cook / iron and shop / so if he found someone if I go first it wouldn’t be because he couldn’t look after himself

Calendargirl

Perhaps sex is more important to men than women as they age.

I’m thinking of an uncle of mine who married the bridesmaid from his marriage to his deceased wife, she had been dead less than a year. (Mature couple, in their 50’s)

It didn’t work out as it was the sex he missed, she was also a widow and physical side of marriage was not what she wanted.

Funny you should say that, I know a couple in their 70's where the wife has the drive of a woman in her 30's. You'd think that they were newish weds the way he looks at her and caters to her every whim. I think it's delightful - bless 'em!

Greciangirl

Basically, men are just little boys.
And they need looking after. I guess.

Really ? That may be your experience Greciangirl it's certainly not mine.

My step mother met a new man 2 months after my dad died!!
Whilst I understood she was still young (early 40s) I was a bit taken aback. She cut contact with me and my dd (who loved her to bits, called her nanna) shortly after.
Sad really. I had met the new guy, liked him, hadn't passed any judgement. Each to their own I suppose ??‍♀️